[srusse24]

Let me start by saying that it is 2:30 in the morning here, and I cannot sleep (waiting for the call that baby #2 is on her way-EDD is very soon), so I will apologize in advance for offending anyone as I get a little testy when I can't sleep at night.

So tell us what you really think... How does it make you feel to hear/read someone who is adopting say "We are only open to a healthy Caucasian infant"?

I have to admit that it gets my blood boiling. I get the "healthy" thing. I know that we were limited on the special need situations we would except, mostly because financially, I have to work, and I believe a severe special needs child needs a parent at home with him/her.

That said, I don't get the "I must adopt a Caucasian child" thing. I get irritated when I read a sob story about how long potential adoptive parents have waited when they limit the races/ethnicities they are open to.

Why, in this day, in this year, are more people not open to adopting outside of thier own race? They say they deperately want to be parents... but only to a CC child?

For our family, the decision was relatively easy. We wanted to be parents, period... not to only specific races. Granted, we had a preference this time around to be matched with a biracial/AA child because we thought it would be better for DS to not be the only "non CC" person in the house, but the agency was clear that we would accept a match with a child of any race.

Sorry for the rant. I just read a post that got me fired up about this. I'm curious what your take is on it?

[mommamarci]

It gets me slightly fired up as well. However I do understand that some people live in areas or have family members who are not conducive to certain races. I would rather they realize that and not adopt transracially than have the child suffer. (Dh and I decided we would never live in a place like that and would cut any family or friends from our lives if they expressed racist views.)

What really makes my blood boil is when people are open to anything but AA. I don't get it. If you adopt a Hispanic or Asian child, you are still adopting transracially and get everything that goes along with it. It just makes me SO MAD!

I do get the same feelings you do though when I hear people complain about their long wait if they are being very specific. I want to yell at them that it does not have to take so long to adopt. Oh well. What are we to do? After all, it is better for the kids not to be adopted by those people in the end...

[atouchofheaven]

i have a perfect story to go with this. we have a friend of the family that was unable to get pregnant and decided on adoption. they were licensed with the state foster care system but were only willing to take a healthy (and when i say healthy, i mean they wanted nothing in the parent's health history that could be a problem in the future), and they wanted the same race as they were (1/2 hispanic, 1/2 caucasion), and they wanted straight from the hospital. for me, i was shocked. i am also adopting through state foster care and didn't think you could adopt straight from the hospital as usually they were placed in foster care first.

but, the miracle is, they got exactly what they wanted. it ended up being more like a domestic situation because they were able to meet the birthparents and they signed over right away and everything. but, they took their daughter home 3 days after birth and now she's four and doing great. but it took them 2 years of waiting AND they turned down a lot of children!

but the thing that gets me, is a few months ago when we got the call for our son, i expressed my excitement to them (thinking they've been through this and would know what to say) and they told me not to take him! i did give them some information about him, the same that i got over the phone, and he does not have a perfect medical history and does have some special needs although minor. at least, i wouldn't say he is a healthy white infant. he is biracial, special needs, and 14 months old at the time of placement. but i was shocked that he told me that. he actually said to wait for a "better" baby!

i know i wouldn't have known what i missed out on if i had said no to my son. but i am so glad i didn't! he is the light of my life and a wonderful little boy! there could not have been a "better" baby for us! and it makes me wonder all the wonderful kids they said "no" to and the blessings they have missed because they were waiting for the "perfect" child. i hope people understand that every child is "perfectly" created by God to be just who they are supposed to be.

i guess my point is, follow your heart, and certainly not what everyone else thinks!

mammamarci - it is sad to have to cut people from your lives because they don't share the same views on human life as you do. we have already had our share of discussions with friends about what is inappropriate to say in front of our son. and hopefully it doesn't get to the point where we have to cut people off. but i will do it if necessary.

[bajj]

Honestly, I think if a person feels they can not adopt a child outside of their race for whatever reason, then it is good that they can admit it.

I have a close friend who would only adopt cc and not because of her or her husband, but because of the area they live in. She said it is like going back several years as far as race is concerned and she could not see herself raising a child who would constantly be ridiculued for her behavior. She felt non-CC kids should go to families who can handle that, or live in a diverse area.

It doesn't make me mad. I get more upset when I'm told, "It's so nice of you to take them in like that."

Just my $.02

[blessedbybug]

It doesn't get me particularly fired up, mostly because I realize that not every family (including extended) is ready to consider transethnic placements. I would rather someone admit this upfront than not be prepared to have transracial/ethnic family once the child has arrived in their home. For whatever their reasons, they are their reasons.

When we were considering adoption, Hubby and I had long discussions about this very issue, and it wasn't because we were struggling with the idea for ourselves but mostly, it had to do with how our families would feel and make the child/ren feel and whether or not we had considerable healthy influences of the same race in our circle of friends who could be a part of the life of our child. Not only that, but at the time, we had to consider small town life and our desire to live in a small town when possible and how a child might feel if they were the only one in their community (or of a small few) who looked like they did. All legitimate concerns as well IMO. But that said, none of those things in the end kept us from considering a child from any ethnic background. But I can see how someone might feel that way.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by mommamarci

What really makes my blood boil is when people are open to anything but AA. I don't get it. If you adopt a Hispanic or Asian child, you are still adopting transracially and get everything that goes along with it. It just makes me SO MAD!

THis is the thing that probably gets me going more than anything. Here, it is more about considering a child of Native/First Nations heritage more than AA. I was shocked by how few families are willing to consider all ethnic backgrounds but Native Canadian.

[sbaglio]

I have a question to pose - does it also get you upset when a couple is only open to a healthy AA infant? Or only to a healthy Hispanic infant? If not, why not?

[Hollygirl]

It does not upset me at all. I think that every person or couple who adopts has the right to pursue whatever they feel comfortable with. I think it's best for everyone involved if potential a-parents are honest with themselves. I don't have the right to judge anyone else's decisions. To be honest, though, I do get a little irritated with people who adopt internationally but won't adopt domestic AA kids. I don't understand that at all. However, I do understand that a person who makes that choice might have a good, signifigant reason for making that choice and I would always be open to hearing about it, kwim?

[bajj]

Originally Posted by bajj

Honestly, I think if a person feels they can not adopt a child outside of their race for whatever reason, then it is good that they can admit it.

I have a close friend who would only adopt cc and not because of her or her husband, but because of the area they live in. She said it is like going back several years as far as race is concerned and she could not see herself raising a child who would constantly be ridiculued for her behavior. She felt non-CC kids should go to families who can handle that, or live in a diverse area.

It doesn't make me mad. I get more upset when I'm told, "It's so nice of you to take them in like that."

Just my $.02

I do hope you guys realize I meant ridiculed for his/her skin color.

[loveajax]

Honestly, it doesn't bother me. Many people do not want to adopt transracially (because for those of us who have, we know it is sometimes complicated)....even people who do adopt transracially may feel "compelled" to adopt from another country because they have a specific connection to that country, etc. I know a lot of my friends who adopted internationally said they did not want to deal with "failed matches" (some also said they did not want to deal with birth mothers...of course, I had to point out to them that all children have birth mothers..DOH!).

I really believe adoption is an extremely personal decision and process and everyone should feel comfortable with their choices (as long as they don't believe certain kids are "better" than others).

[bajj]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Honestly, it doesn't bother me. Many people do not want to adopt transracially (because for those of us who have, we know it is sometimes complicated)....even people who do adopt transracially may feel "compelled" to adopt from another country because they have a specific connection to that country, etc. I know a lot of my friends who adopted internationally said they did not want to deal with "failed matches" (some also said they did not want to deal with birth mothers...of course, I had to point out to them that all children have birth mothers..DOH!).

I really believe adoption is an extremely personal decision and process and everyone should feel comfortable with their choices (as long as they don't believe certain kids are "better" than others).

Well said, love.

I know people who adopt from other countries for a lot of reasons. Just as I don't particularly care for people asking me how I could adopt a hispanic and a biracial child, I don't want to ask them how come they can't or won't, or what have you!

[musemoon]

It does bother me a bit when the perspective a-parents are in the foster adoption program, yeah. Cause almost all of the kids in fost adopt are not "healty" and "not white"....so it makes me feel like why are you here then? Not cause I judge their choice, this is their child, I understand. I don't often (or um, never) hear pregnant friends say, boy I hope my kid has a different skin color and has learning disabilities....so it is natural. What makes me sad is, there are a lot of babies in the fost/adopt world that are "not healthy" and "not white" who eventually overcome their birth problems and become amazing people, my daughter is one of them. And sadly those kids (at least in Los Angeles) sometimes have to wait a long time for forever families....even newborns....boy that breaks my heart.

[joskids]

It doesn't upset me. It makes me feel sorry for them. Because my adopted children are AA and biracial and I think they're the most perfect, cutest, loving, respectful and wonderful children in the entire world. So let them adopt whatever child they feel fits with their family. As far as I'm concerned, no one's children could be as perfect as mine are.

[srusse24]

I truly believe that the excuses people make for not being open to any race (i.e. "I live in a small town" or "My family may not accept the child") are just that, excuses.

For heaven's sake, I live in Kentucky. Granted, I live in the largest city in the state, but I am still in KY. This is not the most open place to raise AA children, especially in home with CC parents. DH's family as well as my own certainly had their reservations about us adopting outside of our race. I guess I am just a strong minded person though, and their opinions would never effect our decision. We would have cut them out of our lives if thought this was the best decision for our family. I will say though that once my son was born, those reservations disappeared. He was our son and their grandson, regardless of what he looked like or how he came to be a part of our family. I would hope that this would be the same for any family.

Not to disregard my son's culture, or any culture for that matter, but is it a matter of the child's skin not matching your own? I understand that adopting transracially does make our family stand out, but it was never my intent to "blend in". My son's adoption was never to be a secret. I am okay with being out and people looking at us, dying to know the story of our family.

I understand that adoption is a personal decision and each family should do what is right for them. I guess I just don't get it. If you so desperately want to be a parent, why not parent a child of any race? Like I said before, I can understand the issues with a special needs child. I can even buy the arguments about wanting to adopt an infant. But I have yet to hear a good argument for not being open to any race.

Oh and BTW,
sbaglio- Yes, it does upset me when people are only open to a particular race, any race. Though, there are far more AA children in need of forever families than CC children.

[Hollygirl]

Loveajax-

I never thought about the "no failed matches" aspect to international adoption. I can totally see how that would be a very important desire in some people.