[craftymommy]

This is a very interesting discussion.

I am mixed, my father is Caucasian and my mother is Asian. My husband is Caucasian and Latino. We have one bio daughter and are currently researching domestic adoption.

Because of my life and issues of living as a biracial woman, as an Asian American woman - I spend a lot of my time considering how my daughter is raised in regards to her growing up to be a secure and self-confident Asian and Latino woman. We live in a very diverse area where she will have peers who are Latino, who are Asian, who are mixed. I provide adult mentors who can guide her, who are wonderful people and understand life as Asian Americans and Latinos. I read about and research raising children in a multicultural household as well as race issues in America.

My preference is to adopt an Asian or Latino or biracial child because I know that I can provide the family, the neighborhood, the peers, the mentors that can contribute to raising a secure and self-confident Asian, Latino or biracial child. I provide that for my daughter.

My husband and I have discussed being open to adopting an African American child. I would love to and so would my husband. We are open to the idea, especially because we are already a multicultural family. I personally hesitate because I would want to provide the same resources for our AA child as we do our daughter or would an Asian or Latino child. I know that if we raised an AA child I would need to step it up in terms of having AA peers and mentors and living in an area where there are more African Americans.

I don't think it is impossible, and I certainly think a multicultural family is a beautiful thing, but I know through living it that a multicultural family has extra work and extra things to provide their children. I have always been a firm believer that while love is spectacular and wonderful, it is not enough. I have to provide more than love to my children. I have to provide a stable home, food, clothing, and the tools they will need to grow into a responsible and secure adult.

[BethanyB]

I also believe that there is a real danger to thinking that you "get it" and others don't. I mean I also worked for a long time in the black community in my city and I don't pretend to "get it."

Loveajax, that is an interesting quote. What is worse than that is not letting others have an opinion. Is this the happy, happy board or this a place where we can give our opinions and talk about real stuff in a manner that is truthful and honest?

We can all pretend that color does not matter and as long as we love our kids they will be fine. We don't ever have to bring up skin color or culture or any of that stuff. They will just live like we live even though we look nothing alike and society sees us differently.

I just disagree. Loving our kids is the first and easiest step. To say that is enough, in MY opinion, is ignoring the truth.

I was stating MY opinion based on what I KNOW.

As far as the inner city thing. I DO know what I am talking about because I listened MORE than I talked. I tried to understand where the people were coming from. I TRIED to put myself in their shoes. And low and behold I gained their trust and learned more by talking than just teaching. Most of the teachers there did not listen or try to learn. They made judgements and assumptions and therefore learned nothing. Two different things? Yes. Trust that I when I say something I mean it.

The funny thing about this discussion is that so many choose to ignore what so many of us are saying. There are black people on this board giving advice yet many want to ignore it. Why? It makes no sense to me.

Why not learn from grown people who are the same race as your child? I know I have. Thanks Nick and others for helping me to learn each day.

No one is doubting that a CC person can be a good mom to a child of color. But what some of us are trying to say is that there are things you need to do to ensure that your child grows up with the best outlook on life. That is the fair thing to do.

Hollygirl,

As far as infertility. No I do not know what it is like even though I probably will not be able to give birth to a child. I do know that I too wanted to adopt through a private agency (any race or gender) but could not even afford the low fees. I went through the foster care system and brought home two kids without paying a dime.

What I do know is that people who choose to be "normal" (your quote not mine) and adopt a child of their own race are cool with me. I understand if you don't want to stick out or feel you can't parent a child of color. What I do not get is someone feeling that way and then adopting an AA child because of the low cost. If there are other reasons on top of that...fine. That is not what you origonally said though. Just to clarify. I am not judging you. You asked specific questions and I tried to give my opinion on them.

[CubanaYogini]

This type of discussion is exactly why I sought out this board. If I wanted to ignore the color of my child's skin and pretend that there wouldn't be issues associated with it, I would have stuck to just a general adoption board.

[loveajax]

Bethany, I am happy. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say about that.

I also NEVER said or implied that I am not aware that my daughter is black or that I ignore it. I think I have posted several times about the things I am doing to try to make sure she knows that she is black and is proud that she is black. My best friend is biracial and we just went out with the kids on Saturday and saw an exhibit on local black culture at our children's museum. Doing those kinds of things are important to me as the mom of a black child. I still don't think I get what it's like to be black in this country just because I, like you, have black friends or have worked in the black community. I also don't presume to tell other people how to parent their chldren....I think everyone has the right to parent their children as they see fit. I frankly thought your original post to Kristin was really condescending because essentially it was like you were trying to prove that you are a "better parent" than she is for whatever reason.

I believe, as Jadasfostermom wrote (and I meant to say that I think was the best post on this thread), it's all about balance.

[adopt2010]

Originally Posted by craftymommy

This is a very interesting discussion.

I am mixed, my father is Caucasian and my mother is Asian. My husband is Caucasian and Latino. We have one bio daughter and are currently researching domestic adoption.

Because of my life and issues of living as a biracial woman, as an Asian American woman - I spend a lot of my time considering how my daughter is raised in regards to her growing up to be a secure and self-confident Asian and Latino woman. We live in a very diverse area where she will have peers who are Latino, who are Asian, who are mixed. I provide adult mentors who can guide her, who are wonderful people and understand life as Asian Americans and Latinos. I read about and research raising children in a multicultural household as well as race issues in America.

My preference is to adopt an Asian or Latino or biracial child because I know that I can provide the family, the neighborhood, the peers, the mentors that can contribute to raising a secure and self-confident Asian, Latino or biracial child. I provide that for my daughter.

My husband and I have discussed being open to adopting an African American child. I would love to and so would my husband. We are open to the idea, especially because we are already a multicultural family. I personally hesitate because I would want to provide the same resources for our AA child as we do our daughter or would an Asian or Latino child. I know that if we raised an AA child I would need to step it up in terms of having AA peers and mentors and living in an area where there are more African Americans.

I don't think it is impossible, and I certainly think a multicultural family is a beautiful thing, but I know through living it that a multicultural family has extra work and extra things to provide their children. I have always been a firm believer that while love is spectacular and wonderful, it is not enough. I have to provide more than love to my children. I have to provide a stable home, food, clothing, and the tools they will need to grow into a responsible and secure adult.

When you say biracial do you mean AA/CC or CC/and any race. Because if you mean biracial as in AA/CC, I would think you would still need to provide some exposure to both cultures.

[craftymommy]

Originally Posted by adopt2010

When you say biracial do you mean AA/CC or CC/and any race. Because if you mean biracial as in AA/CC, I would think you would still need to provide some exposure to both cultures.

I actually meant biracial latino/asian or CC/latino or CC/asian. I know from personal experience that we need to provide exposure to all the cultures that are in our child's background. Thanks, I guess I wasn't clear.

[joskids]

I think we deny a very important factor when we lump people together in any way, for any issue, at any time. Each of us are individuals, raising our children in the ways we have grown to believe are the best ways possible to raise OUR children. Race is an issue, obviously, and I doubt that anyone on this board would deny it. Yet to assume that a caucasian family cannot provide a child of color with a secure and very strong sense of who he is, would be a problem for me. We are an interracial couple (AA daddy, CC mommy) and belong to a group of interracial families that are mostly CC parents of AA children. I don't know of any of these families that are in denial about the race of their children being "different" from themselves. Yet they all do an outstanding job of parenting their children and by providing them with a strong sense of their history, their culture and just plain excellent parenting. My husband and I do think that children of color are best raised in a culturally diverse environment and are very blessed to be raising our children in a very diverse blend of folks who are not in denial but open to all famillies from all religions, all races, are ethnicities.

[vegangoddess]

thank you......... i have been reading the forum and just when i think i am doing a great job..... as i read on..... i felt in some way i was not doing my children justice......my kids will know who they are and have a strong sence of them selves..... and no i wont be able to first hand prepare them for the predjudices that are out there....... i will however surround them by people who can.....my job as a parent is to raise strong young men who know right from wrong and how to appreciate the diversity of this country....... and how that makes our country great and to arm them with the tools they need to function in life.......

[nickchris]

Hmm, diversity rules, yet the concept is based on whose rules?? each person in the diversity circle, still needs a strong sense of who they are, I agree. I love such discussions, but, any parenting related topic is a sensitive subject. As strong minded as I am, I have learned every message has something I can take, and use, I just may not admit it right then, lol. I have read 100% negative stuff, as well as pure fluff posts; and do not find this thread to be of such. Great point Jadafostermom. Bethany, I am learning as my children grows, thus I like to share my observations, and as any parent want the utmost best for them, so I wish you the best. :-)
Happy Turkey day...

[BethanyB]

Loveajax, this is pathetic. Please stop trying to make it sound as if I said I KNOW what it is like to be black. NEVER, EVER have I said anything like that. I said that when I taught in an environment where black people were the majority, I learned things about issues in the black community that I had never even thought of before. I learned what makes so many AA people frustrated with the school system, with politics, with the inequalities. I learned that there is more to being black than I had thought before. Issues that I may have never even known about living in a diverse neighborhood. And that is because I really listened to people.

How you equated that with me knowing what it is like to be black is insane. I learned more about issues in the black community and therefore learned more about the world around me and the state our country is in.

THIS helped me to understand the challenges that MY kids may face one day. I KNOW that the color of someone's skin can determine where they live, what type of education they receive, how they are viewed by society at large and THAT has helped me to understand that I need to prepare my kids with skills to protect themselves in a cruel world.

So as much as it didn't matter to ME that my kids are a different color...I understand that it matters to others and that talking about it, raising my kids to be proud of the AA features, and doing all I can to raise my kids around people that look like them and can help to be role models in their life.

Does this take thought? YES!!! Which is ALL I was trying to say!!!

I am the happiest person alive right now because I have the most gorgeous kids living with me and calling me mommy. I AM so happy and proud and I could shout it to the world.

BUT saying love is all that matters in MY opinion is ignoring all of the above.

I just think it's funny that people like me who are just trying to be helpful in preparing families for transracial adoptions are told we are negative or against transracial adoption. That is so far from the truth. I am white and my kids are black. Why would I be against it? I'm all for it but want the best for the children.

Sometimes I even wonder why I get into these conversations at all.

[loveajax]

Bethany, I could write the same exact post as you just did.....really. I know you are really committed to learning and doing what you think is best for your children, and I am positive you are doing a really great job at it. I think everyone here is trying or else they wouldn't be here...we just may approach things differently. I also have not seen anyone say "oh, love is enough!" (though, imo, it IS the most important thing). They may have different ways of preparing their children for some of the things they may encounter, but I don't see anyone here with blinders on.

I just think the danger is when you write something like, "I want what's best for the children." Some of the things you have written imply that you think you know what is "best" for children other than your own. You said that you are a single mom....think about if someone said, "I really think it's BEST if children are raised in two parent families." Wouldn't that annoy the you know what out of you because you know you are the BEST parent for your children (btw, I don't believe the two parent thing, I'm just using an example of what people say under the rubric of "best interests of the children."). It's also like the SAHM/working mother debate.....people end up telling each other what is "best" when to me it's like do what's best for your family.

I am sorry if I have gotten "defensive" here.....NickChris, I am like you in that i tend to "dig my heels in" but it doesn't mean that I haven't thought a lot about what has been posted and learned from it.

Karen

[nickchris]

Hey its okay, Karen. I just see you as stating your point of view, as Bethany did , and the rest of us. You can remind me the next time I dig in my heels. :-)

[BethanyB]

Loveajax, don't all people with an opinion believe their opinion to be right. Isn't it the same as you saying love is the most important thing? That is your opinion of what is most important for children. Just like my opinion is that children (not just mine) that are being raised by parents not of their own race, should be raised by loving parents who go out of their way to make their child feel comfortable in their skin. Who adopt them because they want them for who they are. Who adopt them and love them enough to discuss the tough stuff and talk to people who know what it is like to be their race or their skin color.

I have heard the argument about two parent families being better for a child and I disagree by stating my reasons why in arguments like that. I don't feel that by those people differing in opinion that they think they know it all. Which is how I feel you labeled me.

Sometimes I feel as if some people just want to talk about how love is enough and a baby is a baby is a baby. I think one thing is true. ALL babies are gorgeous, beautiful and they just make you totally happy. I just think (my opinion just like you have yours)that particular attention should be paid to raising a child of a different race because of their needs.

We are not making our kids feel different. (They will feel that all on their own if they are the only ones in their town or school who are black.) We are preparing them to see that the world has all different colors and that they are gorgeous for who they are but that some people with serious problems may not think they same.

I have spoken to an adopted person who was adopted by a white family and they avoided talking about race. They avoided making that connection that the child very much needed. That is what I get concerned about.

I think transracial adoption is great but I think people should be prepared to do a lot and learn a lot in order to be all they can for their kids.

That is pretty much all I have to say.

[rraiford]

I just want to say I really applaud this thread. So often people shy away from discussing the deeper issues of race and culture or minimize race and culture by saying "love is colorblind." I am not about judging people or making parents feel bad. As an African American woman it simply breaks my heart when I hear the parent of a AA child say "race is just a color." Once my father-in-law who is CC said to my husband, "I never see Regina as Black." My husband replied, "Did you not notice she was a woman either." I believe (I know not everyone agrees with me) that ignoring my race/culture negates a part of who I am and is a form of subtle racism. I believe discussing subtle racism and prejudice is difficult and especially important as a parent. My CC husband jokes that parenting a biracial child has made him a honorary Black man. We both had to learn each other's cultures. Sometimes my husband inadverently says things that make my relatives uncomfortable and instead of running away from race discussions our family has to talk it out. Sometimes I have to educate my husband's family about my family's culture. I am rambling here, but I am grateful this thread is willing to talk about race even when the conversation makes people feel threaten and uncomfortable.

[nickchris]

That's a good point Regina, I hear all this talk about diversity (in general) not seeing color etc; etc; I am like, who made up these diversity rules!? real diversity is to see the different color because it is different, accept, the sameness, and differences, not be uncomfortable.. and still get along.