[BethanyB]

I understand what a lot of you are trying to say when you make statements such as..."Color doesn't matter" or "I will love my child no matter what color the child is" and I think it's great but what some of us are trying to get across here is that YOU may feel that way but the world doesn't so you can't have that attitude when adopting a child of a different race. MANY people in this world DO care about race and skin color so you really have to be prepared to deal with that and LEARN how to teach your kids to deal with it in a good way.

No one is against transracial adoption as long as the parents are able to see what they are up against and are commited and willing to do whatever they can to provide a good environment for an AA child especially.

I have heard of some white adoptive parents not ever wanting to talk about AA issues with their adopted AA child. I have heard stories about an adopted AA child going home to tell their parent about an incident that happened at school or at the store only to be told that the person "probably didn't mean it that way" or that "it probably didn't happen like they thought it did." When racism is not "up front rascism" some people want to try to convince you that it really didn't happen. That is one of the most frustrating things in the world to hear.

These are just a few of the things that we don't want happening. This is why color does matter in what our kids will deal with and how we need to help them.

I learn more and more each day and that is my job for my kids.

[vegangoddess]

this is an awsome post....i have an AA child who is 5 and a biracial child who is 19mos. and i always think of racism and how to prepare my child...... a hard task.... i do have AA friends but i dont think we spend enough time together to have a strong influence on my children.
i am terrified of my children growing up and facing the world when i am not there.......... i think that the world is getting better about squashing racism....and then i hear another horrible news cast......... raising children today period is scarry...... raising children of color and arming them with confidence and strength and an awareness of racism poses obstacles for cc parents who dont do their homework..........

[CubanaYogini]

Such a good point that one of the things that AA parents can offer an AA child that a non-AA parent can't is first-hand experience with racism. (And I don't think this only applies to parents of AA children, by the way. Include any child of another race in my comments here).

This is where it is essential for those of us involved in transracial parenting to provide our children with role models of their same race. It is an absolute necessity for us to have people in our lives who can be the go-to folks for our children when it comes to something that we haven't directly experienced.

Thank you so much to those of you on this thread who are willing to be honest and confrontative about these serious issues.

[Hollygirl]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

I can see if you said you were open to race and all of the adoption programs and then found out how much an infant CC adoption was and then realized you could not afford that route. It sounds to me, someone who is just reading your words, that you would have adopted a white child had it not been too expensive and that just makes me angry.

BethanyB, thanks for your post in response to my question. I have a question for you, does it also make you angry to think that the reason we decided to adopt at all is because my husband and I are both infertile. We tried to get pregnant for many years and finally came to a very signifigant crossroads....IVF or adoption. We chose adoption because it was more of a "sure thing". Should I be ashamed of myself because I didn't choose to adopt before finding out that I can't have biological children. Should I feel guilty about my decisions?

Look, I am not participating in this thread because I feel that I have to defend myself. I am very confident in my life and decisions and I am very consious of the things that are best for me and my family. The thoughts, opinions and convictions of others very rarely sway me. However, the reason I continue to post is that I think it is so wrong that anyone (me included) be made to feel bad for the path they personally choose.

I understand that you (and many, many, many more people) think that it is wrong for the adoption of an AA or bi-racial child to be less expensive. Heck, I agree with you there. But why shouldn't people feel comfortable with taking advantage of it.

Instead of looking at my situation like you do...why can't you just look at it and not analyze it? Think about it this way.....I battled infertility for years. I was poked, prodded and violated in ways that I think to be very unfair. I wondered why I had to endure such a painful path. Why me? It takes time to switch gears and start the process to adopt (as a lot of you know). I went from my perfect idea of being pregnant and giving birth to my husband's child, to knowing that I would mother a child who was born to another woman. Of course, in my pain, I automatically gravitated towards the family that would still be "normal". Does that make me an awful person, heck no, it makes me human. It didn't take long for me to realize that it would never be normal for me. I found it offensive when I first found out the cost of any adoption. What a slap in the face to know that my dreams of being a mommy could come true for the price of $25,000+. That is when I walked away for a full year. I had to gather my thoughts and decide how I felt about it. That's when I found out about the AA/bi-racial program...with a grand total of $13,500. Wow, I thought, I can still be a mom AND be able to afford to feed my child after he or she was born. Here's the kicker, though, the thing for others to think about before they judge my decisions....
My DH and I couldn't afford $13,500 either.....

My very generous grandfather offered us ANY amount of money that we needed. We could have gone either way.

You see, the decision was more than one layer deep. First was the aspect of money, the AA/bi-racial progam really had that going for it. But then we dug further and realized how wrong it was for these kids to not have anybody to adopt them. Too many people can't see past the color of their skin. We could, so we chose to pursue a transracial adoption.

I thank God everyday for the circumstances that led to me being a mommy. Everything that happened to me and every decision that DH and I made led me to my beautiful boys. I would not change one single thing.

Every person on this earth has a path that they are meant to follow. The details should not play such an important role.

My sole intent is to just let other people know that NO MATTER what your reason for adopting transracially...please, please, please don't let others discourage you. All you can do is the best thing for YOUR family, just like everyone else in this world.

One more thing before I step down off my soapbox...my questions about culture were very sincere. However, I would like to finally make my point....

Racism and the unfair way that black people are treated is not because of their culture. I live in the deep south. I live among some of the most ignorant country-bumpkins on God's green earth. Do you think that some true racist idiot had prejudice against a black person because they don't agree with the culture. No, it's because all they see is skin. That's what most people see. That's why I have heard racist comments from black people, too. THAT is why I am raising my boys to not focus on differences like that. THAT is why we don't make a huge consious effort to make the point that they are bi-racial. Instead, we make a huge consious effort to make the point that they are our children and that we love them and that we will always stand behind them and protect them for as long as they need protecting. But, we are not going to protect them because of their race, we are going to protect them because they are our children...

[JPDakota]

Some cultural differences we have identified include language (especially idioms), hair and skin care practices, mores, folkways and taboo's. The man's role in the household and the woman's role differ. The ways of showing respect differ. Am I talking about the CC community vs. the AA community? No. I was raised in a very German household. We often even spoke German with my Grandmothers. My husband is Japanese, born on Okinawa. Big differences in how we were raised and how we are viewed by others. Our DD is AA. It's not that we don't see the differences in our family. We enjoy the differences. To tell DH that I don't see his race, skin color, hair, etc. is an insult to him, because it is a big part of who he is. Our approach to DD is along the same lines, and it is out of that same respect.
But at the end of the day, to Kristin's point, that is our way with our family. I believe being Black in this country is very different than being CC or Asian. I just hope folks that adopt trans-racially get that, for the sake of the children.

[nickchris]

Yep, even with my husband and I we are from 2 different cultural background, despite our race. How my folks are, was/is different than how his folks are/was. Black or AA culture is not compromised of the "hood" or hip-hop, and such, all of those is a part of the variety that follows all races. No it is not the foremost aspect of our culture, look around you and see the educated, working class, middle class, etc; etc; In general a black person of a similar socio-economical background will have similarities with another race of a similar background, for sure.. but as JP said there are some cultural connections, my husband, and I have that connection, despite our different cultural upbringing.
The key is to be open minded to become sensitive to what those differences are. We all need to deal with this as parents, if we speak of full diversity. How will our children view others like themselves, other races? how comfortable will they be with other children who look like them. How will they feel about their looks, hair, and skin color? How will they deal with being the one and only or one of the few? Will they feel out of sorts?
How will they deal with the event, where, someone treats them differently in a blatant manner, how about bias treatment in a subtle manner? will they be able to handle it? after all mom and dad said I should try my best, and that is enough, or I am just like everyone else. Should he or she carry around anger, defeat, at this new found experience, how do they deal with that, after all they have a GPA of 4.00 and is a model student, and such a great person. What about the teen years with dating, what about serious dating? how do they feel dating someone that looks like them? How do you feel if they brought home another black person as a possible spouse, and your grandchildren are now different than you envisioned? other folks may feel the same way if your child want to date their child in a serious manner. What if? Is it okay to *always* be the residential spokesperson for their race? How to deal with racism if it occurs, should you or they over react, when should you speak up, and when should you let it slide, what is needed to make it in school, the corporate world, or everyday life?
Even Halle Berry speaks of the dificulties she has/still face as a woman of color, the CC side does not erase the AA side which garners the issues that others may have.
How do we build up a child's inner core of self esteem and strength, if we do not face the good with the bad, if we are afraid to face it, what will our child pick up from that? (and kids are very astute). Step into a minority shoes for your kid's sake, and put away your shoes. Layers of everyday life for a minority.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Hollygirl

THAT is why I am raising my boys to not focus on differences like that. THAT is why we don't make a huge consious effort to make the point that they are bi-racial. Instead, we make a huge consious effort to make the point that they are our children and that we love them and that we will always stand behind them and protect them for as long as they need protecting. But, we are not going to protect them because of their race, we are going to protect them because they are our children...

The fact is that you are not going to be there to protect them when they are out on their own and people are not looking at the kind of people they are, but the color of their skin. You are not going to be there when they ask the girl to the prom and she can't go because her father does not approve of your son's skin color. You are not going to be there when they are in college and trying to come to terms withtheir racial identity, not really sure where they fit in.

The bottom line is that the world is not color blind and children of color need to be raised in a way that helps them cope with that awful truth. Most transracially adopted adults I know say that their teen-age years were the toughest for them, especially those who grew up in families that tried to pretend that the color of their skin did not matter.

[loveajax]

Although I think (personally, as a parent) it is important for my DD to be friends with others of her same race, to be prepared for racism (especially covert racism) she likely will encounter, to be educated as best I can, etc., I also believe that there is a real danger to thinking that you "get it" and others don't. I mean I also worked for a long time in the black community in my city and I don't pretend to "get it."

I also don't know what it's like to parent a child in any other community but my own and the challenges there, etc.

I also think that there is a lot of "guilt" that goes along with adoptive parenting, and probably more so with parenting outside your race (can I ever be good enough? I will never have to face the struggles my kid may face, etc. etc.). But we have to realize that these children's birth parents obviously had confidence in us (collectively) that we could parent and parent well, despite our racial differences.

I know I am a pollyanna-ish type person at heart, but I just think by emphasizing how "hard" it all is, we are probably not emphasizing enough how BEAUTIFUL it all is. I mean the fact that I can truly be the mother of my DD despite all our supposed "differences" is amazing to me. I would love for others who may be "hesitant" about adopting transracially to know about the beauty as well as the challenges.

[JPDakota]

loveajax,
You're right, there's tons of wondeful things! Our little darling is the love of our lives and my Mother thinks the sun rises and sets with her.

[loveajax]

JP, well she better talk to my mother who is convinced only DD makes the world go round!

[Hollygirl]

Loveajax....

Beautifully said!!!!!

[nickchris]

Is this the uplifting part? gotta be uplifting. All types of parenting carries the burden of guilt, etc; did I cause that? what if I did it differently? I think we can all do a good job of being happy to have our children, that's the easy part.

[DebCsMom]

You all brought up very good points.

It's tough raising a child of an different race. When we were going through the homestudy process our initial SW told us to MOVE!!! I couldn't believe she was actually serious!! She suggested a more racially diverse city, ours is a small city, mostly caucasian.

I am not blind or ignorant in thinking that I can raise my AA & Biracial children the same as our Bio/CC children. Being a parent is tough work even without throwing adifferent race child in the mix, so to speak. I'd like to think that I can, but I know I can't. Wouldn't be fair to anyone to ignore that they are different!

We adopt our AA & Biracial children & say we are only different on the outside. We are ALL the same race, the HUMAN RACE. well we are & we aren't. I have to learn a WHOLE NEW way of parenting our adopted children! It's alot of research, reading talking with others, talking to my Black friends & family. Just having Black friends & family doesn't mean I will get all the answers either. I DON'T LIVE IT LIKE THEY DO!!!!!

But as a parent, I will do my very best to prepare our children for the WORLD. The good, the bad AND THE UGLY!!

We as a family have taken people out of our lives because of their lack of respect for our children. My Mother In Law being one of them. We have not said a single word to her in over 4 years because of her comments about Black people. I have said so many times, unless MY child did or said something to you specifically, don't judge them or put them in a "catagory". You know what I mean??

As others have also stated, being a parent is THE GREATEST joy I have in my life!! Don't know what I would have done without them. I also feel blessed that I have open adoptions. I can have the Birth Families help me as well with culture, hair, values, etc.

Good Luck in your adoption journey!!

Deb

[jadasfostermom]

This thread has struck a chord with me. I too believe transracial adoption/parenting can be a beautiful thing. As a AA female, it is of utmost importance to me that AA children have stable loving homes. Heck it's important to me that any child have that. And if that happens via transracial parenting, then great.

There have been very good points made on this thread. I don't doubt that there are any of us who don't love our children regardless to how they came to us or the type of family we have. Very rare is the true parent who doesn't love their child.
I think what others that have posted have been trying to convey though is that transracial parenting requires more than the love will conqer all mentality. That is in no way discouraging CC parents from adopting AA or biracial children. I view it as more of reinforcement of reality.

Maybe that is seen as emphasizing how hard transracial parenting is.....but those that are new and just considering if they can be a transracial family need to hear the truths, hard as they may be. But then there are the positives that are also mentioned. It's all about balance. You have all the information you need to make a educated decision beforehand. And really isn't that the best for the child?

Hollygirl, I wanted to address your question regarding the details of AA culture that you should be aware of. It's not as easy as listing those in a thread. You gain that knowledge from surrounding yourself with AA people. Getting to know us(really know us, not that surface stuff), real life conversations with us, associating with us outside of casual acquaintences, etc. You mentioned that you are doing that....continue to do it and soak up the information provided. Because those cute 8 month old babies are going to grow into middle school and high school aged children with tough issues to face. It will be hard for them, but you will have done the work and will be able to better relate to them on those issues and help them feel good about who they are.

[Kelli]

Beautifully said jadasfostermom.