[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by nickchris

Thank you, see as a black person, even though my children are American, as other ethnicities, we have a link to our Ancestors (despite how we were brought here) To understand the factors of racism in the US? overt, and covert? being brought over as a commodity and not pure immigration has its factors as well, so did Jim Crow. All of those components add to the general American ways culture wise, as certain components did for the Irish, Russians, etc; In addition, add in class, educational differences, the variety (as with other groups) and there you go. Do not take the easy route. I do not see how a parent can raise a black child, and say all is the same, culture, or skin. A child shoud not be an experiment, or a way to prove diversity in a small isolated pocket. Nor is diversity defined, with how the majority is comfy with the definition of diversity. Read about the history, ask questions, read about currents events, and how minorites are affected. Speak to blacks, about it, speak to other minorities. Speak to minorities AA, who grew up as the only or one of the few minority in a community. Until the world is perfect, no it is not easy raising a child of color.

I totally agree with this and JPDakota. You will have issues that you have to face that you won't with your other children. You AND YOUR other kids will have some pretty hard facts to face about the world and people, including your family. Are you prepared to never talk to a lifelong friend because they put down AA people (even if they "aren't referring to your child, just all the other people")? Are you prepared to teach your kids now and your new child about racism and how to deal with it (believe me, it's not as simple as "ignoring" it or even "educating" all the time...it can be pretty tough).

My sister is AA and we are all CC, she has cerebal palsy also so we got some pretty tough racist and just biggoted comments from people growing up. I do think it can be done and healthy. But, in order to do this we must realize that it's a complete 100% change in your everyday family dynamic.

I think the hardest thing is realizing that your child WILL have a hard time growing up AA with CC parents. Wether that time lasts about 5 minutes or 5 years, it's all about how you handle it but also your specific child, different children handle things differently.



That being said I DO think it's possible and I LOVED growing up with my sister. I am grateful everyday to have grown up in the family I have grown up with, it has shaped me into who I am.

[nickchris]

Yes, and with the immigration issues of late, folks who say nasty comments about "Mexicans" as I have heard that term spat out. If they feel that way about another person, how do they feel about a minority child of color, a CC parent does not wash their minority child's race away, especially later on when they are older. Would you give them space, if they do not cease such talk, even of they are a family member, or a childhood friend? Really all of that should be pondered over.

[JPDakota]

This is a little diversion of topic, but its true. I was at a business dinner one night recently. It was a good group of highly productive sales reps and a few managers. A young man sitting next to me managed, with no apparent attempt at decorum, to slam adopted people as not real, AA people as lazy and stupid, Jewish people as dishonest, Latinos as thieves and liars, people of Irish decent as drunks and women as slightly less capable, all in the course of about 5 minutes. I said, "My goodness, young man, I have never heard such a diatribe out of someone so young." Everybody laughed. I made his life miserable the rest of the evening. He came to the gun fight with a pocket knife.
The only reason this story is germane is that these attitudes are not so much fading away as one might like to believe. Food for thought for perspective adoptive parents.

[BethanyB]

I am a CC single mom to two black children. I went through the foster care system and got both of my kids as infants. I was totally open to race. I was hoping to get an AA child because I felt as though I understood many issues in the AA community. I had worked in an all back urban elementary school and learned a lot about race, poverty and the inequalities for minority people in the US. I have people in my family from differrent cultures and felt I could provide a good home for my kids.

And even after knowing all of that, I was still not totally aware of the things I would encounter due to their race. Life kinda changes for you in a really deep way after you hear people around make statements that border on outright racism. People you thought were friends. People you respected in the workplace. And you know, people I thought understood me before don't really understand me now.

You may see or hear something really offensive and other people will think it's all in your head. I can't tell you how hard that is.

I am thankful for the AA friends I have made on these adoption boards, for they have been able to educate me well past all of the things I thought I knew. They have been able to help me, give me advice, and just listen when I needed to vent.

Being black in the US is not the same as being white. If you have black kids and you don't see that yet, trust that it's coming.

Sometimes black children of white parents get a little pass when they are young and cute. But when your black teenager goes out by himself with his black friends, you are not there to protect him.

You need to be able to look to black role models in your community in order to really understand a fraction of what it is like to be black in America. Your child needs someone there to validate their feelings when they feel they are being discriminated against. Be prepared to hear, "How do YOU know what it's like?"

Having said all of that, skin color does matter. Don't adopt a black child to save money. How will that look to your child? If I had more money I would have went with a CC adoption program? (Not that you would say this but imagine that in your mind.)

I say none of this to discourage you but only to let you know some of what you would be getting into.

As for me and my kids? I LOVE my family with all of my heart and I would have made the same choice all over again. My kids are the love of my life. My family adores them and they are a gift from God.

Jut think about everything and do what you feel is right for everyone.

And an FYI about family...Be ready to cut people out of your life if they do not agree with this and you do decide to bring an AA child into your home. You cannot have people saying things in front of your kids. I was willing to do this and do not talk to one family member because of it.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[Hollygirl]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

Having said all of that, skin color does matter. Don't adopt a black child to save money. How will that look to your child? If I had more money I would have went with a CC adoption program? (Not that you would say this but imagine that in your mind.)

What if a person is not making the choice to "save" money? What if it is the only choice if they hope to adopt at all? Would your opinion be that I shouldn't have adopted at all. We first looked at a cc program and the fees were ridiculous. We decided to look at all the options and we found a program better suited for our financial situation.

You know, I find it so interesting that not many people will talk about the cost when they are discussing their reasons for adopting transracially. Of course, I am not saying anyone here is lying about their true motives. Everyone has their own set of motivations for making a choice and I think the diversity is inspiring. I do believe that it can be a calling or that someone felt in their heart that it was the right choice. That being said, though, I don't understand why others should be made to feel badly for having a different journey to their decision. In hindsight, the decision to adopt transracially was the best decision that DH and I have ever made. Besides, who would even talk to their child about the cost of their adoption? Do biological parents sit down with their kids and say "I am sorry you were born at that county hospital. I know they didn't have all the great technology but we just couldn't afford the big fancy hospital." Everything about the adoptions of my boys will be available for them when they are old enough, however, they won't know the cost. Therefore, there will never be an issue.

I have to say, sometimes I feel so out of place on this forum. There is so much talk about how special people are because they adopted. However, so much of the time, there is nothing but negative things. Everyday, I read things about how a person's neighborhood isn't diverse enough, or about how someone made a rude comment to them. I am completely with you about taking a stand against people and things who out and out disrespect you and your family. If someone makes a racist comments about my child, I will fight to the death. If they make a racist comment in general, I don't waste my breath. They are obviously ignorant and nothing I say will change that. I refuse to let my boys see me as defensive at all times. What does that teach a child? That mommy is so uptight about the fact that I am a different race that she jumps at everything? I want my boys to grow to be strong men. It is unfortunate that it will be difficult for them. My heart breaks at the thought of all the obsticles they will face.

I do have a sincere question for you all, though. This is my plea to be educated since I am clearly in the minority on this issue. (and I am not being a jerk) What are the details of AA culture that I should be aware of? What are the things (beyond skin color and the way some AA people are treated because of it) that I should know?

[CubanaYogini]

Originally Posted by Hollygirl

What are the things (beyond skin color and the way some AA people are treated because of it) that I should know?

Have you asked your black friends? Cuz you do have black friends or are developing some now that you are parenting black children, right?

[Hollygirl]

Yes I do and yes I have...thanks for asking!! I have even approached total strangers at the grocery store, at restaurants and at the finalization of our adoption. I have spoken with our SW who is black and I have talked to parents of other bi-racial children. I am a person who researches EVERYTHING.

Let me explain myself a little better.....I completely understand the hardships of being AA in this country. And when I say understand, I mean that I know that there are hardships and unfairness and hatred. I do not and will not try to say that I know how it feels, however. What I am trying to understand from the people here is what they mean by learning of the culture. (I know what my friends mean, so that's not the issue here) Like everyone else here (I assume) I had the counseling sessions at our agency about adopting transracially. I had the continuing education and I read the books. I still read them. You answered my question with a question which felt to me like you were blowing me off. It was a sincere question.

Hey, in my last post, I will admit that my intention was to state my opinion about how people feel when discussing the topic of AA and Bi-racial adoptions being cheaper. I let my mind ramble on to other things and then asked a sincere question. All I ever read on here is that people have intentions to or already are instilling the basis of their child's culture. I never have seen how they are doing it, though (although, I am sure it's there). I have read about people moving to more diverse communities but that's not an option for us. There is a specific part of our town that is mostly populated by black people but not the kind of people I would want my family to be around. That's not a racist statement, by the way. We wouldn't live in the neighborhood with all the white people who cook meth, either.

Do you think I would go into all this if I truly didn't want to learn more? I don't have problems now, my children are 8 months old but I could have them in the future.

There are some things that SOME black people do differently than white people. I am not saying bad things...just things. I am just trying to fully understand the difference (and similarities) between true culture and the social practices of people.

[CubanaYogini]

I wasn't blowing you off. It was a legitimate question. As is this one: What did your black friends, perfect strangers, and black SW share with you about their culture and how you could incorporate that into your children's lives?

If you asked me about my culture (latina from the carribean) I could tell you that we celebrate the day of the Magi instead of Christmas as the day that the children get presents. I could tell you that on Christmas Eve it is traditional for us to eat black beans, rice, and a roast suckling pig before we go to midnight mass. I could tell you that it is traditional for the family to stay up all night with the body the night before a burial. Among many other things.

[loveajax]

Holly, it sounds to me like you are doing a great job parenting your boys. I hate that you are being made to feel "defensive." This isn't a parenting contest.

My best friend is biracial. She makes fun of me because she says that I will show up at my DD's high school graduation in a daishiki (sp?) and DD will be mortified. I mean I am white. I only know what it means to be white. I try to learn as much as I can too, but for me, it's like focusing on adoption issues or any other issues...it's a part of who DD is but for now (she is 2!), it's really not a big "part" of our lives if that makes sense.

I like your question about culture. I try to think about how DD would be parented if she were with her birth parents. The answer is really that "nothing" would really be different (of course, her dad is black but he goes to work like my husband, takes his kids to the park, they celebrate the same holidays, watch the same TV shows, etc. etc.). Do I think my DD may face some things that she wouldn't if she were white....sure...I am cringing now thinking about maybe the dating years, comments she may hear from people....but it's like I can only "tackle" things as they come along....

I know as parents we all do the best we can....I don't think we should "judge" others, I truly don't. What works in one family may not work in another yada yada.

[BethanyB]

Hollygirl I am going to address some of the things you asked about in your post. But please be sure that I did not say anthing negative about your post. I stated how I felt about adopting an AA child for the reason of fianances. I think it is dead wrong. No one is being mean. It actually hurts me deeply to hear that someone signed up for a CC infant adoption and then changed to AA just because of the fees. It kinda makes it seem as though AA children are second best and the price proves it.

I can see if you said you were open to race and all of the adoption programs and then found out how much an infant CC adoption was and then realized you could not afford that route. It sounds to me, someone who is just reading your words, that you would have adopted a white child had it not been too expensive and that just makes me angry.

There are tons of things in the AA culture and households that we as white people don't know about. There are cultural foods, a shared history in this country where black families share with each other and learn with each other how to live in a world of racism.

When I worked in an all black school I heard words and phrases that I never heard before. I was shocked at the distrust that many of the black parents had towards the white teachers. Many of the teachers were angry at the lack of trust. They did not understand it at all. But you know I listened and I learned. Maybe that is why so many parents opened up to me and trusted me in the end. I learned about the inequalities in the black (and other minority) communties. I understood the mistrust and sometimes anger that came from years of bad experiences and feeling like there is no way out.

I have overhead a cashier call a black woman "Aunt Jamima" I have had friends make reference to black people being the majority at amusment parks and not wanting to go back because of that. I have heard coworkers make comments that they would not consider racist but really are. Wait until you want to talk about it and your friends tell you that it's all in your head and that the people probably didn't mean it that way.

See as a white person who is in her thirties, I am just learning how to deal with this now. When I speak to black friends they tell me that they have grown up dealing with it and can do so, so much beter now. It is easier to learn how to deal with something like this if you grow up learning about it from your family.

Things are different being black in America. Imagine for a moment that the world is made up with the majority being black people. That you are the only white person in your class, at your school. Imagine that you go to the toy store and most of the dolls are black. All of the action figures and action heros are black. You get a coloring page at the local Friendlys restaurant and the people are all black. Then imagine you go to your all black school and they make fun of your straight hair and thin lips so you go home to your black adoptive parents who look nothing like you for advice and understanding. And I'm sure they would be great but your a kid and don't understand all of this stuff yet. It can be hard right?

So, I'm not trying to be mean and I'm certainly not against transracial adoption. I'm all for it as long as it's for the right reasons. And I think kids can make out great in life in a transracial family as long as the family acknowledges the challenges that come with raising a child from a culture who is discriminated against largely by society and how it may feel from a child's perspective if we don't think more into it.

As far as what you should do if you can't afford adoption...you can do what I did and adopt from the foster care system. They have white babies too. It may take a little longer but if that is what you truly want than I guess it's worth it. I was open to race but wanted an infant and I brought home my 2 week old son four days after I was certified. Good things happen in the foster care system too.

In the end I think your probably a great mom. I have no doubt that you love your son and cherish and would do anything to stand up for him. I just don't think it's good to advise someone to adopt a child of a differnt race just because you can't afford the CC program. We don't have to agree on it but that was just my opinion. I think your child and other children can and are doing well in transracial families. After all, my family is one of them. I just think that lots of thought needs to go into it and you need to continually learn more about the AA community and incorporate black artwork, role modesl, friends and more into their daily lives.

I hope I shed some light onto the situation. I am typing really fast right now and probably made a million spelling mistakes. My two year old is getting into trouble!

[nickchris]

Good points Bethany.

[adoptionislove3]

I think is sad that AA adoptions are less, society has made this happen. We have two full hispanic children. We adopted from Texas 11 yrs ago. We dreamed of finding a way to financially be able to have a family. When we found an agency we liked we where told that Hispainc infants where less becuse so many people looked down on them for comming over the border. Immediately we knew that is what we wanted. We knew that we did not have a single bone in our body that would look at a Hispainc child differently. It made us sad to imagine them being hard to place and we knew that we had enough love to take on what ever came with that and the love we had for our children would give us strength to learn about culture and any issues that came up later in life. I guess our decision at first was because of the reduced fees, but that is why they reduce the fees to get adoptive families thinking so these precious babies can have a home. It saddens me that these kids can all have different fees based on color . We are now wanting to adopt again and unfortunately the money is a huge issue so I am researching AA culture and bi-racial culture. My thoughts are that we will take any child that we can afford no matter what color , if its healthy and it fits into our line of credit check book then I Know the love we have in our hearts will give us the power to learn and deal with culture and just do the best that we can. Chances are ,most of the trans-racial children will end up in white homes as there are more whites wanting to adopt, that is what every agency has told me. So I figure all we can do is our best in raisig our children and love them no matter what with all we have in us.

[nickchris]

I have come across many blacks who have adopted, or are willing to adopt..if they were aware of access to adopting outside of fostering etc; I have 5 adoptees in my family, 6 if I count the one who is deceased. I have given information to a few folks myself who are considering adoption. I think a lot of AA folks should personally look a little harder, on the other hand I believe the agencies are lazy, and do not market as extensively as they should to folks of color. They prefer to take the easy route.
in addition, if a person is willing to open their heart to a child of color, they should be aware that it will not be any easier for them to parent, than a parent of color.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

I made his life miserable the rest of the evening. He came to the gun fight with a pocket knife.

He probably never knew what hit him.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by adoptionislove3

So I figure all we can do is our best in raisig our children and love them no matter what with all we have in us.

Sadly, sometimes love is not enough. Educate yourself now. Seek out transracially adopted adults and talk to them about what it is like.