[anivan]

I had my first n-word comment and it hurt me so deeply I almost couldn't breathe. I was on break with a bunch of co-workers and one of my collegues was eating from a large can of mixed nuts. She looks in the can and says "Oh, someone already ate all the (N-word) Toes" I looked at her and said her name in a warning tone and she went ahead and repreated the phrase two more times. I was just paralized and I turned my back on her and changed the subject. I was SO angry at myself for not saying something that I hardly slept last night. So, this morning I approached the colleague and met with her in a empty conference room. I brought a picture of Sydney with me, put it on the table and said "I can't look at this little face every day unless I say this to you" I just told her that it was very hurtful what she said and that I didn't want her to ever say it in front of me again. Do you think this was handled correctly? I was so mad at myself for not saying something immediately....

[joskids]

I think you handled it EXACTLY right. I KNOW I would not have maintained your composure. I would hope your co-worker is sufficiently moved by your way with words . . . but I doubt it.

[joelynn]

I think you handled it well. Now the true test will be if this co-worker continues the behavior or apologizes and never says anything in front of you again.

[anivan]

I'd love it if she banished the word from her thoughts and vocabulary, but that may be just a little unrealistic.

This was just my first moment of "Oh my, this is going to be much harder than I thought." It has always been so positive with everyone so that comment just blindsided me. It was so painful and the thought that I didn't stand up for Sydney made me ill. I am just VERY non-confrontational so that was hard, but I am glad I did it.

[gdaisy]

As a mom to a 1 year old AA boy, I would be very upset. I think that you handled it the right way, although I do have to remember that my grandfather use to call those same nuts by that terminology. Although it didn't excuse the comment I have to remember that he did grow up in a different time era.

[anivan]

I'm sure I have used that terminology in ther past also. Now we call them Brazil Nuts.

[AudreyE]

Originally Posted by anivan

Do you think this was handled correctly? I was so mad at myself for not saying something immediately....

I'm glad you said something.. whether right away or waiting, at least you responded.

I've figured out over the past several years that people don't even realize they are saying it half the time... phrases like n*gger-toes for nuts or "Jewing" someone down or sand-n*gger for Indians or whatever... oftentimes when I point it out, they apologize and say it never occured to them it was a racial thing....

Audrey

[anivan]

That, to me, is unacceptable. Of course it's a racial thing! There is no excuse for using that word in 2007. Everyone knows it's wrong and I think sometimes people use it to see if they can get away with it. I am not going to let anyone get away with it around me. Sydney doesn't understand the words now, but someday she will. I just want everyone in my life to be put on notice that we will NOT tolerate it in any form.

[KarynB]

I think you handled it beautifully!!!! Far better to give a thoughtful response like you did than to blow up at her on the spot - way to go!!!! And don't worry - we have all had moments where we feel like we didn't stand up for our kids, or answered a question we shouldn't have, it comes with the learning process...

Sydney is so lucky to have a wonderful mommy who stays up at night to figure out a way to stand up for her - and then actually does it!

[bethy724]

You handeled it well. My bi-racial son was called that word at 5 months old by a drunk black man on a bike while we were walking. He said "hey little n***" "smiling. I looked shocked & was hurt so deeply that it had to start at 5 months old (he's 3 1/2 now) We've seen the guy since & he just says "Hi" now.

People should not say the word because it's a disgusting word - period-not because we are part of multi racial families, but maybe they'll think before they speak in the future.

[jaenelle]

I think you did just fine. You shouldn't tolerate things like that, and even if she doesn't get wise, at least you tried.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by anivan

I approached the colleague and met with her in a empty conference room. I brought a picture of Sydney with me, put it on the table and said "I can't look at this little face every day unless I say this to you" I just told her that it was very hurtful what she said and that I didn't want her to ever say it in front of me again. Do you think this was handled correctly? I was so mad at myself for not saying something immediately....

I think your co-worker got off easy. If it happened at my office, she'd be looking for a new job. Our office has a zero tolerance policy for racial slurs.

[anivan]

Thanks all! I sure feel better now that I said what was on my mind. Anyone ever see Fried Green Tomatoes? As I walked away from her, I felt like yelling "Towanda!!"

You could tell she felt like a jerk & I'm glad she did. Anyone using that terminolgy in this day and age is a jerk. Like I said before, I am SO non-confrontational, but I guess my love for my child makes me do things that I would never have done before. I think great love transforms us and changes who we are forever.

Thanks again from Sydney's warrior mama!

[anivan]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

I think your co-worker got off easy. If it happened at my office, she'd be looking for a new job. Our office has a zero tolerance policy for racial slurs.

I work for the state I live in at a university and you can bet we have a zero tolerance policy like that too. I thought about bringing it to Human Resources, but I decided to give her one warning. She says it again or anything else, she's toast.

[Linny]

Ani, you did well, and I daresay better than me in that same situation. (I'll call on your attitude and words next time. (((HUGS)) ). I especially like the part that you said 'I couldn't look at this little girl every day if I didn't....'
THAT, to me, says more than the rest of it!!! And, it was bad enough that this person made the comment as she did------perhaps she wasn't thinking (and that's a poor excuse in this day and age too)....but to SAY IT AGAIN A COUPLE OF MORE TIMES!?!?!!? ....that, to me says, 'I don't care what you say or feel, I'm gonna say it again just to say it!!!' (KWIM?)

You're good Ani.......very good.

Sincerely,

Linny