[JenC]

Yesterday I was insulted by a good friend. I know she didn't mean anything by it. Problem is, I don't know if I read too much into what she said. Since we are about to become a transracial family, I've become very sensitive to racial comments and issues.

So anyway, this friend was showing me pics of the baby her daughter and son-in-law are hoping to adopt through foster care. They're CC, baby is AA/CC. She commented that the baby shouldn't grow up to be (and I quote) "too dark" based on his current skin tone.

Ok, I know that isn't necessarily true. I've heard a lot of AP's say that their kids' skin tone does and can change as they grow.

It stings because our child will be very obviously AA. I know and am 100% sure that she wasn't trying to be hurtful in any way. She's like a 2nd mom to me. We are very close to their family - their kids are our best friends.

DH thinks I just read too much into it. I don't think I'm going to say anything to her... I just want to know what y'all think. I guess I'm finally starting to realize that our babe won't be known as "their son" but most likely as "their black son". That really bothers me.

Ug.

[loveajax]

JenC, obviously I don't know this woman but I have learned to give people the benefit of the doubt. I mean if she said, "OH I HOPE he doesn't get too dark" that may be one thing, but it may have been an innocuous (though silly) comment.

I am the mom of a biracial DD. I am proud of all that she is. I honestly don't think anyone views her as my "black" or "biracial" child. She is simply my daughter. One of my best friends is also the adoptive mom of an AA child and I honestly don't even "see" it, kwim?

I really see that this country is changing and people are more accepting of "alternative" families, etc. (at least where I am in the northeast). Sure, there will be people that look askance or ask stupid questions, etc., but for the most part I think people are really supportive.

I think one of the "keys" is learning to roll with the punches and also "kindly" educating people if they say something stupid. My dad is so in love with my daughter and he actually asked me not to tell her either that she was adopted or black (!!!!!). Now, is that offensive? Sure. But I honestly know that the comment was motivated out of his desire (loving, though misguided) for her not to feel "different."

I know others may feel differently but I really believe that the way you carry yourself/handle things influences how your child will as well. I try to do it with humour, etc. I don't know -- hopefully, it will work for my DD!

Good luck to you.

[enerad]

We're a older parent, transracial family formed by adoption. Comments... that's our life. When I found this thread I thought... wow someone else going through these issues as well.

I have had a similiar comment made by a close friend of mine as well. "Make sure you put sunscreen on them so they don't get too dark". (I have identical girl twins who are Micronesian).

My favorite comments we've had:
One friend of mine on a cell phone call: "We're with our friends, they adopted two orphens (My daughters were born domestically, and I was in the deliveryroom, feed them most of their beginning bottles, and took them home from the hospital. DOyou think they were orphens?)

Where are your children from? (Don't people realize you can have brown skin and be born in the USA)

Your grandchildren are so cute. ( I'm the MOTHER!!!)

Cashier at the store: "How could someone given up those cute little girls", loud enough for everyone to hear.

I could go one with many more....

Our adoption agency did an excellent job of educating us that these issues will arise. The reality(which I hate) is that most people are ignorate of adoption and they only know what they've experience which is minimal. I often find myself smiling and nod and trying to keep my conversation to a minimum when comments arise. Only if it's an important person in my life do I do some "EDUCATION". ie... my mom commented one time, "Wow what little blackies" (My daughters have pitch black hair and very black eyes) and calls them little monkies (because they are silly). Then...when the time was right I let her know that in public both of these comments could be taken wrong by outside people. Additionally, I told her on the monkey comment... say wow you've acting like a little monkey and not make a reference to beng a monkey.

I would love to hear other ways people respond. It helps me to pre-plan good language to respond back to people. I want my daughers (they are going to begin understanding these comment people ask) to feel good about our family make up, not to be rude, but able to kindly respond with our giving out too much info, and to perhaps educate when the right moments arise.

Darene

[mom2tara]

I think your friend will grow with your mature and loving example. I used to get hurt when people commented about our daughter's skin color. A couple people seemed to think my husband abducted her (and she is our biological daughter). I guess what I've learned is that everyone is foolish sometimes; we all need patience and gentle correction some times.

[Vogi2002]

Funny....I have had the "Where is he from" and the "too dark" comments. I think SOME people are just talking just as they would about the color of hair or what not...but others act like it's a good thing that they aren't that dark. I personally comment back saying that I LOVE how dark my boy is getting, he's like a dark milk chocolate, just beautiful color. They usually smile and agree or what not.

Racism isn't something that can be shut off overnight, and if we don't GENTLY lead people the right way they will become defensive and not learn. Of course there are the people that are outright rude, and then YES put them in thier place, but if you value the relationship, and they are willing to learn, try to say something in a very nice way.


I totally know what you mean though about being sensitive....I tend to become very defensive and sensitive when out with him....although I noticed that as he gets older I notice people less and less.

I had to talk to my sister about stereotypical comments (rap music, gangsta, Cooper being a running back in football, etc etc) she didn't mean them as derogatory but still, stereotypes are stereotypes and I want my son to know that the color of his skin determines NOTHING about his future, that only HE gets to decide that....KWIM?

[joskids]

"Racism isn't something that can be shut off overnight, and if we don't GENTLY lead people the right way they will become defensive and not learn"

Very wise words, Natalie. If each of us with multiracial families "gently leads" just a few people toward understanding, then I think that's something we can all feel very good about.

[gabesmom04]

yes i love the comment is that your grandson (i am 36) thats the comment that gets them the if looks could kill look

when we took my son home to north LA to visit grandparents (louisiana not L.A.) we were strolling through the mall with my mother a little girl came up to me and asked me why my baby was black...(her father hid in the clothes rack) then some little old lady came up to me and told me that even if i was married to a black man that i would be welcome at her church. i should have told her that Derick had a baseball game that sunday !! (derick jeter LOL) (what about the rest of us are they welcome ) i just laughed i was taken off gaurd. but then i thought to myself about all the years i lived in that place probably just like them ignorant, oblivious and probably hurtful and my heart broke. because there was the truth right in my face. RACISM. some people don't have the benefit of education and experiences to learn that there is a better way of life. education is the key. there are all kinds of beautiful people no matter what color their skin.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Racism isn't something that can be shut off overnight, and if we don't GENTLY lead people the right way they will become defensive and not learn. Of course there are the people that are outright rude, and then YES put them in thier place, but if you value the relationship, and they are willing to learn, try to say something in a very nice way.

THis is a very thoughtful and compassionate way of looking at this. Both my kids are part Metis (Cree and European) and although they are not obviously "transethnic" (in other words, they look CC) their First Families are and we choose to celebrate all their heritage, even if you can't see it in their faces. So we are very sensitive to negative comments about Native heritage. Here in Canada, aboriginal people are the ones most often stereotyped so it's a struggle. I find that people are curious for the most part, but I do work to gently speak to the stereotypes as they come out, esp if they are people of possible influence in my children's lives.

[musemoon]

I had a "fun" comment yesterday. I was with my AA friend whose adopted son is Latino/CC and I was with my daughter AA/Latino/CC and we were told by a group of AA people that my daughter looked like my AA friend's child and her son looked like he was mine. We kindly corrected them and I stated that my daugher was mine with a smile. They continued by suggesting we switch kids. We laughed, but that was not really a funny comment.

They continued to marvel at us having the "wrong" kids and my friend heard one of them say under their breath that my daughter "KNOWS SHE'S BLACK"....so we will continue to face racism with a smile....God willing, but I am going to have to create an arsonal of good loving, teaching comebacks that support my daughter who will eventually know what they are saying and educate at the same...I will probably need them and yet know they may or may not be affective. Let's hope that they are in the long run.