[shifty]

My DH and I filled out an application went to the info seminar and also are awaiting our classes. We were devasted by the news in our information seminar. They told us there is a chance that the birthmom will back out last minute and we are stuck paying the hospital fees and the pregnancy visites and we lost out all that money. I guess there are quite a few bnirthmoms out there that are so poor and dont have any insurance and this is the way they get their birth paid for. I couldnt beleive it. Now my DH is scared to death about getting taken advantage of. We just refinanced our home to pay for this child and we couldnt afford that to happen to us. I dont know which way to turn now? Anybody out there that can offer us some advice? It would be greatly appreciated!

[BrandyHagz]

Shifty,

A couple of words of advice, if I could.

A woman who scams adoptive couples out of money with no intention of placing their child for adoption is NOT a birthmother. Calling a scammer a birthmother is insulting to the countless numbers of us who actually *are* birthmothers.

Any agency that tells you that you are responsible for medical bills of a baby not placed with you, is not the kind of agency I’d want to work with.

Don’t be scared of adoption – be scared of bad adoption professionals who 1. Don’t shield you from the scammers (who the other agency seems to be calling birthmothers, for whatever reason) and 2. Offer you no financial or emotional protection from scammers and/or actual ‘failed placements’.

Adoption CAN be scary – but that fear can be put to rest by using a highly ethical agency who addresses your fears as well as the parents needs and act in the best interest of everyone involved.

There are agencies out there who charge ‘flat fees’ – which means, you pay the same as everyone else and there are no ‘expenses’ involved.

I would like to also add, as a birthmother myself (and knowing a number of birthmothers personally) many of us don’t seek financial support or expenses at all…even though that appears to be one of the biggest ‘marketing’ angles used by agencies these days.

[lonni]

Originally Posted by shifty

My DH and I filled out an application went to the info seminar and also are awaiting our classes. We were devasted by the news in our information seminar. They told us there is a chance that the birthmom will back out last minute and we are stuck paying the hospital fees and the pregnancy visites and we lost out all that money. I guess there are quite a few bnirthmoms out there that are so poor and dont have any insurance and this is the way they get their birth paid for. I couldnt beleive it. Now my DH is scared to death about getting taken advantage of. We just refinanced our home to pay for this child and we couldnt afford that to happen to us. I dont know which way to turn now? Anybody out there that can offer us some advice? It would be greatly appreciated!

This information was NOT about birthmoms,as Brandy said. It was about scams.Shame on that agency for reporting these falacies. I personally would walk (or run) away from that one.

[tobeafamily]

Hi & Welcome,

First, not every situation you encounter will involve the payment of medical, legal or living expenses. In most cases, the expectant parent either has medical insurance privately or through Medicaid.

Second, you are not 'required' to pay anything - the payment of expenses is considered an act of charity. I always offer this guidance - if you would have helped this expectant parent regardless of whether they were considering placement, then do so. If though you're only helping in the hopes that they will place with you, or on the promise of this, don't.

What I think you are uncomfortable with are the risks involved with domestic parental placement adoption: namely the risk that an expectant parent may not go through with their plan to place. That is a real risk.

The thing is, there is no risk-free way to become a parent. Even being pregnant and giving birth carries risk. You have to balance the benefits against the risks. For us, the possibility that an eparent could change their mind was less terrifying than being in a hotel room in a foreign country with a child. For others, the equation is different.

Remember though that there's also no one best way to adopt - just a best way for you. Keep your head in check with your heart - don't let the fear that this may be YOUR ONLY CHANCE drive you, understand what your tolerances are and be honest with all and you'll come out just fine.

HTH

Best

Regina

[Linny]

There are agencies that don't operate this way; that will only charge big monies at the time of placement---and that is only after the birthparents have relinquished their rights. There are agencies that don't charge an arm and a leg for adoption--although, sadly, most adoption fees are incredibly high for what they should be these days.

What your agency says about scammers, CAN be true.......but the thing is, to make sure that you only put yourself into a situation you feel comfortable with. I've known people who have paid a lot of money ahead of time, realizing there is a substantial risk of people changing their minds. We certainly couldn't have afforded to do this; but they did. Some have ended up with new babies; some have ended up with a lot of financial loss.
If you can't do this (and many cannot), then don't put yourself into that position, and only deal with agencies who have the flat-fee basis, or tell your agency that you only want to be considered for babies that have already been born with relinquishments signed. (This happens more often than you think: birthmother decides to choose a family---or asks the agency to choose--once her baby is born.)

If you are at a loss as to what/which agency to use at this point, a good starting place is to Google " (your state and/or any other states you might want to use) adoption agencies"...and an entire list of agencies will be available.

In all honesty, I simply printed off that list, sat down with a pad of paper, pencil and started phoning agencies asking a list of questions ranging from 'how much are your fees/ estimate of wait time/ how many adoptions do they do each year/what kind of fees do they charge to apply/ any up front 'matching fees' (which personally, we don't agree with)/ and a list of any/all things I thought of as I went along.
Each agency/attorney I called, I made a note of, keeping a journal of who I spoke with, their attitude, their fees, etc.
And even if I didn't want to use them---didn't agree with their policies, I ended up learning more about adoption and adoption practices each time.

Don't be afraid. Just be knowledgable about adoption in general; and don't be afraid to specify what you want to do in regards to budget, etc. There's nothing wrong with this. Most ethical agencies will respect this and deal politely with you. If not, you really don't want to deal with them in the first place.

It's not all doom and gloom. Education is the key; and not feeling pressured to spend or do something you don't want to. There are many ways to adopt (agency/attorney) that can be done ethically and within a budget. The key is knowing who you're dealing with to begin with.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[shifty]

Thank you can you please PM me some names of some agencies that do this???

[shifty]

You guys first off thanks so much for the support. You guys are awesome! I was up crying last night for 4 hours because I thought there was no hope. I understand there are risks I dont mind paying the flat fee and thats it. But we just dont have the money to pay for this. My husband and I have 16,000 and we would love to have a AA or BR baby. But we dont want to put us in financial debt over our heads that we cant give him or her the life that we think they need for education and extra curricular activities. I have done so much research on how to take care of a child with that ethnic background and now just recently bought some books. I just dont want this road to end yet. I am from Minnesota if any of you guys out there can please let me know of any good agencies I would really appreciate it!!

[tobeafamily]

I can't recommend any agencies but I can tell you from lots of experience that you have enough to do this - don't believe all the "Domestic Adoption Costs $30K" stories because it can and does cost much less - especially if you are careful! I know - our total costs were $14K and we've had many friends in the past five years since we adopted complete adoptions for under $10K. I'd give you our agency but they work with Virginia families only .

First, I'd head to the library and read everything I could on domestic adoption - a good one is "Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year" by Randall Hicks. Another is "The Open Adoption Experience" By Lois Molina.

Then, once you're done your homestudy, NETWORK. Tell everyone you know, and ask them to tell everyone they know. Your hair stylist. OB/GYN. Neigbors. Deli counter people. Your pastor/religous community (we put a free notice in the Sunday circular). Grocery checkout people. Waitstaff at restaurants. If they'll talk to you, tell them (and yeah, this was really HARD at first for us but got easier with time). Heck, we walked up to radio promo booths at fairs and stuff and told the radio people - hoped they'd put us on the air (never did, but one did give us a lead later on someone @ the station who was unexpectedly pregnant....). We held garage sales and told everyone who came that we were saving for an adoption. We asked friends & family to give us donations to our baby fund in lieu of gifts at Christmas and birthdays.

Put an 'ad' in your email signature. Put a flyer up in your car window. Get cheap business cards made and leave them everywhere. Keep reminding everyone you've told that you're looking. Heck, we told the letter carrier and newspaper delivery man. Everyone knows six people, and many are just thrilled to help. These things cost nothing but time and maybe a few dollars here or there. No expensive advertising or fees for 'networking services'. We were amazed. AND it's how we met our son's bfamily - work friend from previous job (we traded jokes on email) introduced us. They wanted NOTHING from us - no money for living, medical, legal, zip. We could barely buy lunch, they were so adamant that they would not 'sell' their child. Seriously. And they're not the only expectant parents I have seen who were this way.

Hang in there.

Regina

[HCsMom]

Hey,
I understand the concerns over adoption expenses. Don't forget that you get a $10,600 tax CREDIT from the federal government once the adoption is complete/tax year. Also, some states give reimbursement for expenses. SC gives $1500. Also, there is an additional tax deduction for "special needs" children through age 18- yes my beautiful perfectly healthy black child is considered special needs because she is black! There is HOPE as far as finances are concerned.

One way to avoid your fears of being scammed is to adopt a child whose birth mother has already signed away her rights to the child. We got a call when our daughter was a few days old. The Bmother had already signed away her rights and after she selected us as the family we were able to pick her up several weeks later. We did pay a little bit in Bmom expenses, but it was only 1,300. I have no clue what it was used for as there was little to no prenatal care, but I really don't care. I'd give our Bmom anything she needed. I love her with all my heart. It's hard to explain the intensity of feelings that I have for her. Were it not for her, we would not have the opportunity to have our lives forever enriched by the presence of the child she choose to carry.

Best wishes to you!!!

[traceyk]

Our agency has a flat rate and if b-mom backs out you lose nothing. They eat the costs and any money you put down rolls over to the next match.

[smooty]

this is one of the biggest reasons we chose international adoption. not just so much from the money aspect (which believe me, we don't have any of that to throw around) but from the thought of thinking we are matched, driving to the hospital, and coming home empty handed.

my MIL had to drive home from the hospital with an empty car seat before she was finally match with DH. i don't think i could bare that pain. with international, most of the children have already been turned over to the caretakers and you have less chance of a failed adoption.

that was important to us. you will know what is right for you. just keep an open heart and an open mind and you will be fine.

best of luck to you.

[loveajax]

Shifty, a couple of ways I can think of to avoid losing expenses:

1. Sign up with an agency that has a flat fee and if a match falls through will continue to work for you without added costs. (Btw, there are agencies that have "reduced fees" for AA or biracial adoptions).

2. Sign up for a situation where the baby has already been born or the expecting mom is v. close to delivery.

It is SCARY, I know. Even without the expense issue, the emotional issue is tough too.

Good luck to you!