[ThenTheyDo]

Does anyone have suggestions for how to respond to rude/ unthinking/ prying comments? I know some folks launch into explanations to educate the questioner, but I don't think that's me. I'd rather just have a few pat answers that I could give to end the conversation (without alarming my son, or making him feel awkward).

I'm interested in hearing how you respond to casual observers (someone in line at the supermarket) as well as closer relationships (we keep trying to explain to our family, but some of them just keep barrelling into what we feel are hurtful or nosy questions or comments).

Bonus points for re-telling obnoxious questions and comments, to make the rest of us feel like we're not the only ones getting this... I could use a chuckle!

Thanks! (cross-posted)

[DianeScraps]

I have heard of some people having business cards that bascially explain that the child is adopted and give some resources about adoption.

Personally the 'public' comments haven't really bothered me.

We did have a cashier this week say that my 6 yr old got her wavy hair from me. My dtr and I got a good chuckle out of that, and then my dtr said, "no my hair is like my birthmom's, I am adopted".

My daughters are also bi-racial, so 90% of them time in public is it just me and them and no one questions a thing. Now when I run into some friends and acquatances that I haven't seen for awhile, they are ALL over the questions.

[rastachris]

One of the best responses is "Why do you ask?" It puts it right back on them.

The most important thing, regardless of the question or intrusion and when your children are present, is to be friendly with your response. That doesn't mean you have to answer questions, it just means that you need to show your children that they and their adoption are a happy topic and that they are loved and respected. However, outright rudeness or meanness from strangers should not be tolerated.

If questions persist or are too personal, say something like, "I love to talk about adoption but our child's adoption story is personal information. Is there something else about adoption you'd like to know?"

The business card idea is a great one - you can make them at home using store-bought perforated cards you can put through your printer. Give them the Website of your adoption agency or other adoption-related Websites, or the names of some good adoption books. On the backside, you could list some adoption-appropriate terms.

Hope this helps!

[mimosasprings]

Yeah, don't you just cringe when they rush up and say: "Do you mind if I ask a personal question?" I have actually said, "well a personal question is OK but a stupid one is not!" That was when my son Isaiah was smaller, though. Now that he is older and understanding the nature of these interactions I have committed to being as gracious and polite as possible to strangers, but I keep the power over the interaction by not really answering their question. When someone asks, "Is he adopted?" I answer, "He's my son!" and I give Isaiah a big kiss. This was recommended to me by a friend who is a transracial adoptee. She thinks that it keeps the emphasis on the fact that we ARE a family rather than HOW we got this way. I am a stay-at home Dad, CC. My son is AA, so we really stand out in a crowd and we get a lot of people who want to be in our business. I am trying to show him how to be gracious when someone is really p---ing you off. I have learned a lot about self-control myself in the process.

[kdb2007]

I loved these answers. I always say yes when asked if this is your daughter...then IF I get a rude comment or perplexed stare- I reply " she looks just like me too" and walk off.

Those people asking those types of questions mean nothing to me. I don't make it my mission to "teach" them anything and I certainly don't owe any explainations- but boy do I love making them even more confused! hehe

[noelani2]

I have six adopted kids. The first, second and fourth (Stephen, Allan and Julia) are white, the third (Thomas) is black/white, fifth (Joseph) is "full" AA and sixth (Joanna) is Haitian/Filipino. Thomas will be 18 soon, so we have had lots of experience with transracial issues! I don't mind reasonable questions from strangers, and I have mostly had fun with the goofy questions/responses!

We were transferred to Las Vegas when Thomas was 17 months old, and adopted Julia, who was six months old, about nine months later. Having one biracial child in the middle of three white ones seemed to set people's minds running. Once, a little girl came up to me, at a park, and asked, "Have you been married THREE times!?". The funniest one, though, was when we were at a park eating dinner. I noticed that two women sitting on a nearby park bench were taking quite an interest in my family, but wasn't too concerned about it. After a while, my husband took the kids over to the swingset, while I cleared the picnic table. The two women were watching intently and talking to each other. I didn't hear much of what they were saying, but I guess the wind just happened to blow the sound over to me when one of them said, "You would think that guy would know that one wasn't his!". I guess they thought I had gotten Thomas from an affair with a black man and my husband had been to dumb to notice that Thomas wasn't white! I could have been offended, but I decided just to laugh at it, instead!

I like how one mom here said that she always gives her child a big hug and kiss when someone has a question. I think it is extremely important, in dealing with questions and interest from other people, to immediately establish the fact that you are extremely proud of your child and that the two of you have a mother-child bond. That speaks volumes! IME, no one who has any less than positive opinions about your situation is likely to say much after that! Also, anyone whose intentions are admirable will likely be set at ease, and you will have an opportunity to brag about your children!

I have had only had one real negative experience. I was visiting a friend in Berkeley, California. We had gone to the Whole Foods Market near his house every day. I loved it there because it was such a melting pot of people from a wide variety of backgrounds. I had Joanna with me on the trip. She was not quite two and all kinds of people at the market had stopped to say how beautiful she was, ask how old she was, etc.. This one day, I noticed a woman walking toward us, looking at Joanna, who was sitting in the stroller. I expected her to just want to comment on how cute Joanna was, or something to that effect. I was totally floored by what she really said! She bent over and told Joanna, "Don't you worry, baby, we are going to get you out of here and send you home where you belong!". She then proceeded to scream at me, saying that for me to have Joanna was no different than slavery and telling me, over and over, that she was going to find a way to get Joanna away from me! I was so shocked that I couldn't speak! My friend advised me to just try to walk away, saying that he didn't think the woman was real sane. She followed us for a little while, still promising me that she was going to find a way to get Joanna away from me. Fortunately, Joanna didn't seem to be worried about it, probably because I wasn't saying anything back to the woman. I was actually pretty shook up, but tried not to show it. We just went on with what we were doing. Had we not been leaving to come home, just a couple hours later, I think I would have called the police and told them that someone had threatened to take my baby, just in case the woman might follow us to my friend's apartment and try to grab Joanna. AS it was, I was happy to get on the plane!

Looking back, I still can't think of anything else that I could have done that would have been likely to have a positive result. I really felt sorry for the woman. I can't imagine why she would have thought that my adopting black/biracial children had any resemblance to slavery, except maybe that she had been treated very badly because of being black, herself. That was a very vivid example of what prejudice is. She knew only one thing about me, that I was white, yet she felt that was all she needed to know to judge me as an unfit mother for Joanna!

Sometimes even that negative experience has provided some amusement! Not long after that, on a saturday, Joseph had gotten up and gone into the bathroom, as he always did, but had come back into my room after just a few seconds. He said, "Mom, the toilet seat's too cold! Will you please come and sit on it and warm it up for me?". I thought "Oh yes, my having these kids is like slavery, but I am the one who is the slave!"

[bethy724]

There are crazy people everywhere-an AA drunk man on a bicycle said with a smile "hey little n*****" to my 5 month old bi-racial foster son (now adopted) It hurt me so much to hear that word-it does not matter wht color the person is who is saying it-I hope to never hear it again.

[loveajax]

Then,

I read a great book about transracial families, etc. called, "Does Anyone Else Look Like Me?" It game me some GREAT insights and hints in terms of dealing with rude or unthinking comments. I frankly have only had to deal with a couple (and the people seemed more curious than rude). One important thing that I learned from the book is always PROTECT your child and think of your child's privacy first -- you don't owe ANYTHING to strangers (I know for me this is hard since I will blab blab blab away to anyone who will listen to me!). GOOD LUCK.

[GeeGeeTaylor]

My 4 natural children all have friends they call their foster or adopted friends.

There seem to be alot here in this school. With that in mind we had a sleep over party. And many of these children were invited. They are all wonderful children.

One young lady who is in Highschool. She is a beautiful dark complection young lady and from Guatamola? spelling.

She deals with it all the time, this is a VERY small town, and mostly retired. So I load up all these kids and go to buy suicide soda mix.... what is this?? I must tell you, everyone picks a different kind of soda, and then you come home pour it all together and ewww... ya they drank all 10 liters, and were up ALL NIGHT LONG!

So point is... this little old lady comes over and as sweet as pie to her, says... oh honey your so pretty and so dark, where are you from....

without missing a beat this young lady says... lady I'm native american, so get off my land and stop eating my corn. I was way to dumb founded to say much at the t moment, but she appologized to me later for doing that under my care.

She explained she just gets so tired of being so noticably different and people asking her all the time. Later that night the topic came up of her response, and she went on with about 15 different cultures and responses. Everything from AA, Hispanic, Oriental, and she has a response that sounded perfect in every language.

I am not sure it's the right way for her to respond to folks, but I can imagine as she was questioned 2 more times before I made it back home with this gaggle of teens. That was just going to the grocery store and the video store.

The folks asking for the most part here aren't asking to be mean, more out of age, lack of cooth and curiosity.

But she has become such a warm and wonderful young lady with all she has been through. With a wonderful bubbly personality and heart.

So I thought maybe you would appricate the little story, I hope it offends no one, as it is so not ment to.