[anarchamama]

I'm looking to hear some stories of parents who's kids are adults now, it sems to me that teens, early adulthood are a time of struggle, and I'de be interested in hearing how the issues of transracial adoption evolved in your family. In retrospect what would you do differently or the same? Now that your kids are older what do they feel about the experience?

Heather

[Linny]

Our first two children were adopted as infants internationally. We lived overseas when they were adopted. The oldest is now 26; the younger is now almost 25yrs old.

We went to a lot of effort in exposing them to 'their homeland culture'. We brought a lot of things back with us when we eventually moved from the Asian atmosphere all of us had lived in. Because my dh was in the Air Force, we moved once again before leaving the military to move to our rural area so that the kids would grow up knowing most of their immediate relatives during their childhood. We've never regretted this; and I daresay, they feel they had a wonderful childhood growing up on a farm, yet being within a 20 mile radius to two college towns.

They have told us these things:

That we spent too much effort trying to expose them to their supposed culture! They have said time and again, 'You know, we came as INFANTS......we were raised Americans, and we ARE Americans!!!' (The inflection of words is theirs, not mine. )

2. They are VERY happy that we did not venture into continued contact with the birthfamilies. They have said that they do not believe continued contact is a good thing, making the point of: "If you had sent letters/photos for 18yrs....how would WE know where those things ended up???!!! We feel it is an invasion of privacy to do this!"

We talked 'adoption' since the day they came to be ours. We were always very open about how they came. One has very detailed info about extended family members and addresses--which we were given upon the adoption; and literally, with the touch of a computer button, I know that the kid could find where everyone resided now. The other has the means and ways to travel to the 'homeland' and yet, chooses not to.

Any issues that either had, I can tell you that one had some, the other had none. And, of those issues, I can assure you that none of them pertained to being adopted....as spoken in their own words. There were times when I was much more upset over comments that anyone might have said about them being Asian; but they seemed to handle it better!

Again, we always talked about adoption. Spoke about how it was never second best to us; and frankly, as we continue to preach now...that 'adoption is as special....if NOT MORE SO, than being birthed'. In their early teens, we spoke more of some of the details of their birth; and they took it well.

What I'm trying to say is similar to what Lincoln said: "People are about as happy as they make themselves out to be." Their growing up was no more different than any other kid---and I think a lot of that had to deal with how dh and I presented and viewed adoption.

In fact, to date...and someone please present some evidence to me if they find something differently....but I have read and found that any adoptee who is unhappy about their being adopted, is due to at least one of the following:

1. Their adoptive family did not tell them they were adopted. OR they did not tell them they were adopted UNTIL they were much older.

2. Their adoptive family gave false information about their adoption status. Often telling of a glorified scenario about their birth details; and frankly lying about significant parts surrounding their adoption.

3. The adoptive family chose adoption as a last choice----and emotionally felt that way, after the child/baby was placed. In this way, the child was always considered 'second best' and never felt as though s/he was accepted as their child.

4. The adoptive family went on to conceive a biological baby, and forever gave preference to the biological child over the adopted child.


And that's basically all I can tell you. Both of the kids are independent and successful and seemingly happy. I mean, if I found that they weren't, it would be a surprise. One is getting married to a wonderful girl next month. The other travels all over the world with any spare time from her job that she has.

Sincerely,

Linny

[CalandraLark]

Thanks Linny, I appriciated hearing that too.

I've loved what I've heard about your kids (all four) in other posts, and it's been very nice for me to have an adoptive mom with adult asian kids around as I've been researching and preparing myself.

[teranga]

"That we spent too much effort trying to expose them to their supposed culture! They have said time and again, 'You know, we came as INFANTS......we were raised Americans, and we ARE Americans!!!' (The inflection of words is theirs, not mine. )"

This, to me, is very interesting. I've thought about starting a thread on this very topic. I read so much about how much adoptive parents do to keep their children's culture "alive" and I wonder if this is a good thing. I'm not saying it should be totally ignored, but no one seems to put forth any alternative ideas to the "as much involvement and exposure as possible" theory.

I am not adopted, so this is not a direct parallel, however... My parents are not American, and I was born in the U.S. I went back and forth as a child between the UK and US. When in the US, of course the UK was talked about a lot--it was my parents' experience. We ate the food, I heard how wonderful it was, the culture was part of my life, I went back a lot...and what I found was that I did not feel "American." I felt like an outsider in the U.S. When I went to the UK, however, I did not feel "English/Scottish" (mother/father). When I went over, I realized I was American. But still...didn't quite feel it. I felt like I didn't belong in either place, and I struggled with this as a young adult.

There's more to it, but the jist of it is taht I wonder whether bringing a child's birth culture too much into focus would ultimately make the child feel he didn't fit in here; that he's not "American." That he doesn't belong here or there...

Our adopted son is from Ethiopia and we talk about that, but I don't think I want to spend too much time focusing on the culture he did not know yet has lost. We will go back when he's older, but the day to day involvement of the culture...I'm not sure too much of it is a good idea, though this is only based on my personal experience. Of course, figuring out what "too much" is, is the key!!

Thanks for your response on this thread--I was hoping to hear from people on this great question. I appreciate your insight.

Teranga

mom to 2 bio kids and one adopted from Ethiopia

[Linny]

Teranga:
Based on what we've gone through, I can tell you that I completely agree with your thinking that it can be focused on too much. Somewhere, there's a happy medium...and personally, I think it has to be led by the child as s/he grows, KWIM?

We personally feel that some caseworkers (especially when you speak to those dealing with 'the system'....sigh....) can harp on this SO much----but they've not even had children---let alone adopted any from another ethnicity. Book knowledge is fine to a point, but usually---unless you've had some up close and personal dealings with something, it's often not a true perspective of what really 'is'.

Thanks for your input. I appreciated reading about your life experience, and I think it could only serve you well when dealing with your little one!

Sincerely,

Linny