[NovasMom]

Hello all,

I am new to this forum and have a serious question to ask to other families who have adopted AA or biracial kids. My husband and I have one bio daughter, age 19 months, and we want to add another child to our family very much. We have been strongly considering adopting an AA or biracial child. Race is really not an issue to us, but there is one big problem; my husband's father is very racist. He says he does not have a problem with Asian or Hispanic people, just black people. He is seriously racist against any black person, and it makes the rest of our family sick. No one else thinks like he does, and we have ALL (including my husband's siblings) tried to show him the error of his ways and tell him that his opinions on the subject are not shared or appreciated, but he maintains that he dislikes all black people.

We are not that close to him (for obvious reasons), and my husband is extremely embarassed by this, but he does live in town, and we inevitably see him every few months at family dinners (my husband is close to the rest of his family). No one else feels this way, but I am really concerned about the long-term issues that might arise if we did adopt an AA or biracial child. I hate to think that one person's biggotry could prevent our family from welcoming a child into our home, but I am sure that my father-in-law would end up making his opinions known at some point, or excluding our adopted child. Should we pursue our plans and simply cut my f-i-l out of our lives, or what? Should we forget our plans because this prejudice could cause pain to an adopted child, or how should we handle this? The man is totally unreasonable, and I really dislike him, but I don't know how to avoid him without avoiding the entire family. ANY honest advice would be appreciated.

Again, I want to reiterate that we just want a child to love, no matter his or her ethnic origins, and that we see all children as equally precious. I am only concerned that the child might someday hear one of his or her "grandpa's" statements...this is so HARD! Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[mig42]

Novasmom,

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that myself and my husband are in the same boat. His mom is the racist one in our situation. She doesn't know our plans yet to adopt, let alone adopt an AA or bi-racial child. Anyway just wanted to say that you're not alone and that we too would love some advice too on the subject.

[DebCsMom]

We have 5 children. Two biologocal & 3 adopted. The adopted children are Bi-Racial & AA. When we adopted our DD who is Biracial, my Mother In Law thought it would be alright because she looked "white". DUHHHHH, she didn't realize that they get darker as they get older. She has come to "accept" her. Then we adopted our next DD who is full AA & very dark. In fact, she got her color in VERY early. Before we adopted her, this extremely Christian woman told us how rong adoption is & that women should be forced to keep their children. If God wanted us to have a Black child, we would have been born Black!, etc. We let her know at that time she was not welcome in our family with her attitude. When we brought her home my MIL came around but it was OVERKILL niceness. It made me SICK! Everything was "Cirrah, Cirrah Cirrah", (our AA daughter). She wass "DECENT" until we told her we were adopting again & AA. She REALLY let her feelings known then. As far as she was concerned, she only had 2 Grandchildren, our bio children! We told her that she was no longer welcome in our home or to be involved with our family. It was either ALL of them or NONE of them! When our AA son was about 4 months old or so, she came to my husbands office. My husband has TONS of pictures of the kids all around his office. I'm alittle photo happy! She picked up a picture of my son, who in that particular picture, was still light in color. She said, "Aww, who is this cute baby!?" My Husband sarcastically said, "He's your GRANDSON!!". She put the picture down & huffed out!

That was 3 years ago. She has not seen any of the children since then. My husband calls her on Christmas, her birthday & Mother's Day but it always ends up in a fight because she very deliberately asks about her "Two precious Grandchildren" as she ALWAYS puts it!

Adopting a child out of your race is something you have to be very comfortable with. All of your family should know ahead of time to aviod any probelms down the road, if any. You need to know that it won't always be a piece of cake. It isn't just racist relatives you need to consider. It's society, too. You need to prepare your children early about racism. It's ugly but it's life. I am guilty at not talking about it more often with our children. I honestly am sheltering them from it right now because I don't want them to know how terrible it is.

My children are 6, 4 & 3. I read a book to them recently about racism. As I was reading I explained to them how long ago white people didn't think black people were equal. The black people had to use separate bathromms, restraunts, etc. I was put to tears when my 3 year old looked up at me quickly with stunned eyes and said,"But Mommy, you love me right?" The look in her eyes made me so sad. I then realized I needed to talk about this to them more.

Anyway, I went WAY beyond your queston! LOL Sorry.

Think out your decsion carefully. Consider the child you would adopt & your bio child. It WILL affect them as well. You will be in a WHOLE NEW WORLD!!

Be strong & teach your children to be strong as well.

GOOD LUCK!

[joskids]

OK, guys, here's my 2 cents. I'm white. DH is black. We have 4 adopted children, black and biracial. We "crossed the racial bridge" when we married and I had to consider these same issues then, even before we adopted. His family is wonderful -- color was never an issue -- they accepted me because I made their son happy. His family is very racially mixed and very well educated. My mother was "nervous" about how others would view our marriage, whether we would encounter problems in our marriage, added to the every day problems of married couples. I have to say, we've had almost none and those issues that have come up (ugly looks, stupid folks), we pass over with little consideration of the lack of sense some folks seem to possess by keeping themselves in their little closed worlds. But even if I had a family member who had an issue with our marriage or our children, I would do what was right for myself, my marriage, my life. I would distance myself apart from the relative, friend, whatever, with the ignorant attitude. Sorry that I use the word "ignorant" but that's how I see it. We are a beautiful family. Our children go to very diverse schools with children of many colors and cultures and we feel privileged to raise them this way. You have to decide what's most important to you -- adopting a child of color or a relationship with your FIL. For you that may not be easy. For me it would have been a snap. I would not want to be around someone who thinks that way, let alone have ANY of my children, regardless of color, be influenced by that kind of attitude. Take some time to discuss with your husband. I feel for him, having had to deal with that issue in his own father. Sounds like he's come out of it a very strong and wonderful man. Best wishes.

Josie

[jaenelle]

My mom was initially unsure about us adopting AA (we specifically asked for an AA baby) but now that I see her with Yuna she is SO in love with this little girl.

That said, my mom was never more than "unsure" about it -- she never made any actively racist comments or anything, so it sounds like quite a different situation than the others mentioned.

I believe you have to live your own life and make your own choices. Consider what is best for you and best for this child and then just... do that.

Good luck.