[bug'smom]

I know the birthmom. She is 17 and pregnant to a 22 year old AA man who is in jail. I have talked a couple times to family members of the young woman and they would be thrilled to have my husband and I adopt the baby but, of course, it is ultimately the girl's decision.

My favor of you while we contemplate/start this process is to give me advice of things to expect in a transracial adoption. My husband and I are open to this but are wary of his parents' opinion. My mother is open and can love any child no matter color, appearance, etc.

Thank you so much. I hope the journey will be positive.

[kelceesmom]

Can't give you much advice. We are CC and adopted a hispanice baby. I believe if your heart is telling you it is right for you then follow it. I also believe most people today are better at handling something a little "different". Others who can't are sometimes just a little ignorant. Good luck in your journey.

[ajrl]

I think the main question is can you handle it? If your area is biracially friendly, and what type of self esteem are you going to instil in this child to overcome his/her possible attempt to "wash" the color off of him/her.

***Before we start out a big debate, I married interracially and have a multiracial birthdaughter. She has great self esteem but a very close friend of hers has tried for years to "wash" the color off of her. It has been very hard for her to deal w/ the complexities of being biracial and it has taken her the past 5 years to see that she is beautiful. She will always have issues and I do feel for her. My daughter is well rounded and very culturally aware of her background and we do not have any racial issues with her.

If your husband's parents are going to be a problem then for that you all will have to sit down with them and help them realize that this is what you are planning on doing and get out the grievances now before they say something infront of your child that would be very uncalled for.

AJ

[jennmomtothree]

We've adopted transracially three times in the last three years. And we've been delighted with how well things have gone for us so far. I have to tell you, you may well be surprised just how well family can accept the fact that you're making what you believe to be the right decision for you (not that they'll necessarily agree with it or would have wanted to do it themselves).

We know that both sides of our family can be at least somewhat racist. My husband's uncle, in particular, can be ridiculously overt about his racism. Anyway, last Christmas, we were visiting, and he commented to us about how genuinely happy our kids seemed. Clearly, this uncle wouldn't have wanted to adopt our kids (we know we're not bringing miracles about!), but it was a really remarkable thing for him to say. And we felt we at least made a little difference in the way he perceives people of color.

But, you also have to seriously consider whether you're comfortable immediately becoming a conspicuous family. (For more information, see Adoption Learning Partners) Are you ok with the idea that people will always know that you adopted because your child looks nothing like you? Are you willing to accept the additional responsibility of raising a child whose ethnic background you don't share? For us, these were challenges we felt comfortable taking on. But the fact is, we're raising children who will be viewed in society in a different way than we are...and we've got to prepare them for that.

Ok. I've probably already written too much...but these were just some of the first thoughts that popped into my mind.

Good luck! I hope that this is the start of a journey that will bring about much happiness for all of you...

[bug'smom]

We have an 8 year old bio son already. Will this be difficult for him? Or should I say more difficult that adding any child would be???

[loveajax]

Good luck, Bug'sMom. I have a biracial daughter who is the love and light of my life. My parents are a little archie bunker-ish, but of course now she is the apple of their eye. There is a great book called, "Does Anyone Else Look Like Me?" and it is about raising multiracial children. It is a "challenge" to raise a child to be proud of their racial heritage if you don't share it personally, but I truly think it can be done well! Re: your son, she is my only child, so I can't help you there. You may need to educate him if, e.g., he gets "teased" or asked questions by schoolmates (why doesn't your sis look like you, etc.). But I bet he will be thrilled!

[traceyk]

I would assume you have been raising your son to be culturally aware and have tought him tolerance so talk to him about it and see what he says. I would also talk to DH's family rather than second guess. That way you know exactly what page they are on. We were a CC family until we adopted our AA "princess" and everything has been great. However she is still young and I am sure there will be obstacles, but we take it one day at a time. And read, read, read about transracial adoptions. I know a lot of people have great book suggestions on here. Good luck!

[Linny]

I am going to post a copy of a post (yes, that's what I said...LOL) that I made several months ago on another forum at this site.
Some of the info might not be so pertinent, in that you already know the baby will be multiracial, and there is no chance of the baby being CC (which was a possibility for the previous thread). But, the main info remains my opinion of what is most important when adopting across racial lines.
Other posters here, have stated the importance of talking to your dh's family about this beforehand. Even though they may seem 'closed' about this, at least you can know the extent of their racism; and realize that any racism is too much.
And.....if you decide to consider this, keep in mind that you may find yourself excluding family members from your get-togethers. While this may seem a drastic measure to some, it could also be detrimental to have people like this around your child as s/he grows up.
At any rate, I hope this 'previous post' is helpful in some way.

Now I'll go out on a limb here.......

While I think it's important for you to consider how this child will grow up.......it is more important (IMO).....for you to recognize how you both will feel about this child.

Situations change. Neighborhoods change. (We live in a very rural area...predominately white......10 miles from the nearest college town that is more diverse.)......but, I can tell you that---for most of their years---we raised our first two within this environment, very successfully.....and they are Asian (now grown and on their own). Our youngest two are AA, and still toddlers.

Yes, there are concerns. Yes, there will be some hurdles to overcome...but the bottom line in everything I have read is 'how will you deal with forever being a family of color?'

Are you both prepared to cry, laugh and discuss with your child about this hard world of racism? Is there a chance that you will continually wish you had a bi-racial child, or CC baby instead? And....given that this baby might be AA......will you be disappointed that s/he might not have a lighter complexion, or more CC features?

One of the saddest things I have seen...is when adoptive parents go into transracial adoption.....and continually try to make the child/baby seem 'lighter'.....try to 'play down' the darker complexion'........or read about the parents talking about 'how this baby just doesn't seem to be like ours......'

These are the things I find more important. You can always find more people to be with, a new neighborhood, a different church, it's true. But, if there is even a twinge of 'gee, I wish s/he were lighter, or really CC'......then I think there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed before taking in any child of color.

Please understand, I do not mean to offend you. I can appreciate that you're asking questions because you and your husband are taking this move seriously. (And this is good, because I don't think a lot of people do...)

But, it's the 'gut-level' feeling I would be paying more attention to. After all......regardless of color, this baby/child/teen and adult will be depending on you to steer them through life, love them and be by their side. At the end of the day, it's that relationship that will be paramount in the scheme of things, I think.

My best to you in whatever you decide....

Sincerely,

Linny