[September4]

My husband and I adopted our daughter 3 years ago, we are all cc. We have the opportunity to adopt an AA/CC baby girl as long as the birthmom chooses not to parent her. Question? Are we being selfish? We could care less what other people think if they don't like mixed race families. Ignorant comments made to us, will be fluffed off. Black and white is just a color to us. It's not what makes you a person. Our family will be made thru the wonderful gift of adoption, and so our children are not going to look like us, we dont care. We are proud to say that we have adopted our child(ren) We love adoption. Now obviously we don't always introduce our daughter as our adopted daughter, but being that she is CC we don't have too. Questions will be made though introducing our AA/CC baby as our daughter, and i don't want to always say she's adopted either. Our immediate family is CC, however thruout our extended family we have hispanic people, AA people, so race is not an issue for us. However..we live in an all white community. Now who's to say in 5 years what our community will be like, but generally for the past 20 years, its mainly CC. How will this child feel maybe being the only AA girl in the school? How will she feel being adopted AND AA. (Whereas her background might be CC/AA,people will see her as AA) Where we hope to be able to raise our family against racism and such is it possible by adopting this little girl we might cause her more stress and unfair feelings as she grows? It seems all to easy not to adopt her for just those reasons but are hearts are just aching for this little girl. We feel she was lead to us and we should raise her.
Does this make sense? I was hoping for some general feedback.. Any thoughts? Thanks

[Linny]

This is a copy of a post I made on one of the other forums some time ago. It was for a couple that were considering adopting an AA baby. While I know there is some reference to 'bi-racial babies'..... I think the majority of this post is relavant to your situation now; and I hope it helps in some way.

Sincerely,

Linny

Now I'll go out on a limb here.......

While I think it's important for you to consider how this child will grow up.......it is more important (IMO).....for you to recognize how you both will feel about this child.

Situations change. Neighborhoods change. (We live in a very rural area...predominately white......10 miles from the nearest college town that is more diverse.)......but, I can tell you that---for most of their years---we raised our first two within this environment, very successfully.....and they are Asian. Our youngest two are AA, and still toddlers.

Yes, there are concerns. Yes, there will be some hurdles to overcome...but the bottom line in everything I have read is 'how will you deal with forever being a family of color?'


Are you both prepared to cry, laugh and discuss with your child about this hard world of racism? Is there a chance that you will continually wish you had a bi-racial child, or CC baby instead? And....given that this baby might be AA......will you be disappointed that s/he might not have a lighter complexion, or more CC features?

One of the saddest things I have seen...is when adoptive parents go into transracial adoption.....and continually try to make the child/baby seem 'lighter'.....try to 'play down' the darker complexion'........or read about the parents talking about 'how this baby just doesn't seem to be like ours......'

These are the things I find more important. You can always find more people to be with, a new neighborhood, a different church, it's true. But, if there is even a twinge of 'gee, I wish s/he were lighter, or really CC'......then I think there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed before taking in any child of color.

Please understand, I do not mean to offend you. I can appreciate that you're asking questions because you and your husband are taking this move seriously. (And this is good, because I don't think a lot of people do...)

But, it's the 'gut-level' feeling I would be paying more attention to. After all......regardless of color, this baby/child/teen and adult will be depending on you to steer them through life, love them and be by their side. At the end of the day, it's that relationship that will be paramount in the scheme of things, I think.

My best to you in whatever you decide....

Sincerely,

Linny

[Quesita]

It sounds like you and your husband are comfortable with the idea of becoming a multi-racial family! You already have a multi-racial extended family, which is wonderful. I think you are asking many of the right questions. You are aware of the fact that when someone looks at your current family, they do not necessarily assume that your first daughter is adopted, but if you adopt a mixed race child, all of a sudden your entire family will be viewed differently... not just you and your husband but also your first daughter. You have thought this through, and are aware of the issues you may face. I think you are probably well-prepared to face them. http://forums.adoption.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Perhaps the most difficult question you ask is "How will this child feel maybe being the only AA girl in the school?" My guess is that she will not feel comfortable. You also say that your neighborhood may change in the future, and it might. So let me ask you a question. I am not asking because I expect an answer, but I am just throwing this out there for you to think about, along with all of the other complex issues you are considering. If your neighborhood does not change when your child is ready to enter school, would you be willing or able to consider moving to a more diverse neighborhood?

You have said that your heart is aching for her. You know that you want her in your family. I do not think it is selfish. Your heart is open, and you want to welcome this child into your home. But most of all, you want what is best for her. "What is best for her" may well be becoming part of your family. But the nature of your family and the directions that your family will take on your journey through life together may change drastically as a result.

I wish you and your family the strength and wisdom to make the right decision, and the comfort of knowing that whichever decision you make is the right one. Good luck on the journey!

[loveajax]

I am the parent of a biracial DD (we are cauc). Frankly, I did not expect her to look anything like us. She looks so much like us, so you may be "surprised" that you will STILL not get adoption related questions. You really never know.

I was reading a good book the other day, "Does Anyone Else Look Like Me?" about parenting multiracial children. I would really recommend it. One of the author's points (which frankly has my head spinning as I am trying to decide whether to adopt again/go through IF treatments, etc.) is that it would be beneficial for a biracial child to have ANOTHER biracial child in the family to share experiences with, etc. But I think you are lucky in the sense that you have other extended family members to look to, etc.

I wish you a lot of luck. I think you will know the right decision for you!!

[musemoon]

I am CC and I my daughter is AA/Latino, most people think that she's mine. I have to tell them she is adopted, sometimes. I had a parent go into a long birth experience story, then asked me mine, wasn't sure if I was being tested or what, but I finally told her I have never given birth to a child.

I think if you love a child you can parent them, period. However, that being said, I think it would be hard to be the only child of color in school. I am moving to a diverse community so that my daughter will feel comfortable and I will adopt another AA/CC/Latino kid in the future. Yet I cannot protect her from everything and I think the only thing we can really do for our kids is give them love and support, cause they will always face something.

Sounds like you would be great parents for this child.

[srusse24]

Originally Posted by loveajax

I was reading a good book the other day, "Does Anyone Else Look Like Me?" about parenting multiracial children. I would really recommend it.

I was going to recommend this book. It gives great advice on how to handle situations.

DH and I are CC and our son is biracial (with pretty dark skin). I just get a kick out of people's stares. I always wonder what they are thinking.

[SHD]

I too would like to recommend the same book, "Does anyone look like Me?" Excellent! I would also like to recommend the magazine "Adoptive Families." This month's issue, October 2006, was written just for you!

You are correct about your neighborhood changing. I have lived in my house for eight years and have watched houses bought and sold and noticed the change. Unfortunately these days with schedules the way they are neighbors aren't what they use to be. I am only close to my next door neighbor while everyone else pretty much keeps to themselves.

You sound like you have already made this little girl a part of your family so if it works out that you do officially become her parents there are things you will want to consider. Since you live in a small cc town, do you live near any bigger cities that you can travel to give her the experience that she needs? Are you willing to step outside of yourself to let her see that you are the minority? Ex: church, hair salon, museum? Are there possibilities of having friends that are aa? I don't mean walking up to total strangers and asking if they will be friends just because of their skin color. When you seek out different arenas find someone who has similar interests, kids the same age, jobs, movies. Anything. Also hair will be a big thing. There is an abundance of help out there. Perhaps go to a beauty school and have the students help you out with what products to use.

You sound like you will make great parents for this little girl since you have already been asking yourself the tough questions. Love is definitely all you will need but realize that unfortunately there is ignorance out there so get ready for a bunch of silly, intrusive questions and thicken up your skin.

I wish you all the best.

[rredhead]

I think that everyone else has made all the points I would have, so I'll just agree with them.

My one new comment is that there is another book that discusses teaching children about race, racism, and how to deal with them: I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla. I just finished it, and I'm so glad that we bought it instead of checking it out from the library.

Good luck and God bless,
R

[September4]

Thanks to all of you for your wise words of wisdom! I will definitely check out all the books each mentioned. We went last week to meet the baby and birthmom and we hope this works out. Both mom and baby are perfect. We will find out, come next week, if mom chooses to parent or place. Keep your fingers crossed!!!!
Thanks again

[NovasMom]

One thing that I think is really funny is that a lot of people are afraid to adopt kids that are other races because they won't look like them. I think it's kid of funny, because if you adopt a white kid, he or she may not look a thing like you either, and truth be told, your biological kids might not look like you either! What if you and your spouse were both blond haired and blue eyed, and you adopted a white baby with dark brown hair and brown eyes? You'd still get people commenting that they don't look like you. As for me, I think it will be a blessing for my kids not to look like me, or at least I would NOT be crushed if they didn't! I never much cared for my stocky build and my short legs and my utter lack of athletic ability, and I am rediculously nearsighted, practically to the point of being legally blind! So it would be no shame not to pass all of those traits on! I already have on biological daughter, and she is the spitting image of her dad, but not me. Lots of people look at her when she is with me and say, "you must look like your daddy." That is fine with me. I just DON'T get why everyone wants a little clone of themselves! Even your bio kids may look and act nothing like you!

[queenjane]

[quote=NovasMom] I think it's kid of funny, because if you adopt a white kid, he or she may not look a thing like you either, and truth be told, your biological kids might not look like you either! [quote]

My bio son has red hair and tons of freckles....he looks nothing like me OR his father OR anyone else in the family. Every time we go out he gets asked some variation of "Where'd ya get that red hair???" or (to me)"Does his father have red hair?" or "where'd ya get all those freckles?!?" I would imagine if he were adopted i would freak out and consider it an intrusive adoption-related question. As it is, its just something we deal with. I am surprised though, that more people don't stop themselves from commenting, or assume that maybe he is adopted or something. But nope. And the questioning has increased as he's gotten older, i don't remember much of it when he was a baby (then again, he had alot less hair!)


Katherine

[agvelas]

We became parents to one AA three day old baby girl and 6 months later Adopted our second baby girl at 4hours old one was a foster child and one was a safe haven adoption. Both are AA our foster child that we adopted her birth family wanted use to adoped her because they said that we will give her a good home I feel that if there is love and good parents a a safe home that is all you need.


April

[joskimo]

I think you've gotten soem good advice here from people I've gotten great advice from, but the only thing I want to add is that yo've been "flying under the radar" with your present child, what I wasn't prepared for was all the stares. I'm cc, dh is cc/na, bio daughter cc/na and adopted daughter is aa. I wouldn't decide to not adopt because of becoming a conspicious family but it did catch me off guard and that won't go away.

Also you will need to accept that you have to really embrace the AA part of your daughter, meaning she needs to learn about her culture. We live ina very CC community (75%) so we go out of our way to try to encorporate her culture and heritage into our lives as best we can. We are not a caucasion family with an aa daughter, we are a multiracial family - you really have to be ready to redefine yourself and your family.