[jaenelle]

Are there legitimate reasons for only being open to CC children, or is it always just an excuse because you're bigoted?

Please discuss.

[Linny]

Here's my take on this.....and we're just the opposite:

We're both CC...well, as I always say, 'We're seemingly CC, because we all know there is no pure race of anything anymore!"
That said--Our first two babies were adopted overseas and are Asian. They're grown. The middle three (two disrupted, one in residential----all three were older kid adoptions)....are mainly CC descent. This is what the agency chose for us......we had little choice in the matter as they believed more in 'color matching' than anything else, I think. (Grrrrrrr)
So, in going back into private adoption again (long story).....we chose to be presented to only AA situations. We would consider multi-racial (which every situation is multi-racial, come to think of it)......or rather, 'bi-racial'......but only consider this.
Our reasoning is that we started out as a transracial family....we chose this route; and we've deliberately turned down CC situations, in order to remain a transracial family. Let those who feel they cannot parent a child of a different race, apply for the CC babies. We do not feel it's our place to apply for them too.

While it bothers me, personally, when people feel they can not parent an AA baby....I also feel a sense of relief in that they are not trying to parent an AA baby when, in their heart, they really don't want to. I've personally seen too many CC people 'parent' AA children with total disregard to their skin/ hair care (because they CHOOSE not to deal with it, not because they're learning), and who talk as if the child is 'less than' because they don't 'match' their child. (Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

I've heard of agencies who try to coax their CC couples into taking AA babies, when there were no other families who were looking to adopt an AA baby. (another Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

And, I've actually heard of an agency that speaks of having a couple who are 'OPEN" to an AA baby...rather than making this their first choice. (That 'open' thing stinks (vs the 'we're open to any race'), as far as I'm concerned! Saying, "open" sounds like they really didn't want to deal with AA babies, but rather they're saying, "Hey, if that's all you've got......")
(yet another Grrrrrrrrrrr).

And then, there's the couple who will not adopt an AA baby, because of their family ties. While this would not be an issue in our home--because we wouldn't associate with family who might feel this way.......I understand not everyone is like us. So, that's another reason.
I've been told we're rather predjudiced ourselves, by not wanting to adopt a CC baby. Maybe so....but we know that---in our hearts---we would not be comfortable with a CC baby, and it would not be fair to the baby, or to us.

Whether you call any of this bigotry or not, is your call.

Sincerely,

Linny

[ocracoke]

I think that some people do have legitimate reasons for considering some nationalities and not others. I am white. I know when I was trying to get pregnant through artificial insemination I would not look at anything by cc donors because I didn't think my family would be accepting of a different race. If they would not accept a different race was it fair of me to bring that child into the family - for the child's sake. I know that some people won't pick a certain race because they live in an area where there is a very low population of that particular race. Is it fair to bring a child into an area will they will have nobody there that looks like them? I know that some people don't pick a certain culture because they have no interest in learning about that culture and believe that it is their responsibility to teach their child of the culture that they were born into. I know for me the hispanic culture would have worked because I love it, I knew Russia would work because most of my family is from Russia, and I knew Africa would work because I live in an area with a large population, I knew the Asian cultures had not fascinated me in the ways that other cultures did. I had 9 years of infertility and adoption tribulation so it gave me an opportunity to educate my family on those things that would allow me to create my family. Just last week I was matched with a little girl from Ethiopia and she should be home sometime in August. Not willing to adopt certain nationalities may be a sign of bigotry but it may also be that these parents have thought through the process and decided that certain things just would not work for them.

Samantha

[Vogi2002]

I think that, like it or not, there is racism in this country. I think that you have to be fully prepared for this and able to deal with all the factors involved. It's not just about racism, but it's also about the fact that, no, they don't "look" like you. While those of us who are from a transracial family know that this makes very little difference, it does to some people and can be really scary. Also, it's a whole different culture (same as adopting internationally), and different hair, skin, etc. This can also be scary for people who are CC. Finally, I think it's about the fact that you would not be able to go anywhere and not get noticed. There will be staring. Not all bad, mostly curious, but you can definetely not blend in!! This can also be scary!!

I have an AA sister (CC family) who is 14 and has quadraplegic cerebal palsy (she's in a wheelchair, severly handicapped). I love her and she is the light of our lives but I have seen the ugly side of America. Not just from CC people either. AA people can be just as cruel. One actually told my mother that "she had no right" to adopt her. Now, my mother said "well she was availble for 9 months before we found her, I guess you needed more time?". It's sickening really, mainly it's the little actions, no one helping you by opening the door when you are pushing her, stuff like that.

Now, that being said I would adopt an AA child in a heartbeat. I actually remember all the positives about being a transracial family. I remember the life lessons it taught us growing up. I am now comfortable with people from all races! BUT my dh is not as comfortable. He didn't grow up with many AA people (from small town in KS). I think he is more afraid of the unknown, and that's okay. I have to respect that. We are open to Asian, hispanic, and CC children. It's taken me a lot to say that, I have a lot of guilt (feel like in a way I'm completetly rejecting my little sister). But again, I have learned that his feelings ARE valid, and not everyone is able to deal with the challenges being a transracial family can bring.

I hope this makes sense. Basically, I don't like it when people judge other people for their decisions when adopting because everyone has their reasons, boundaries, etc. I don't think it's about being bigoted for the most part (although I am sure there are PLENTY that are), it's more about the unknown...

hope that made a little sense!!

Natalie

[Fran27]

I agree with everyone here.

There's fear of the unknown, the fact that you might not feel adequate raising a child of a different race. I would not feel comfortable raising an AA child frankly, because I know nothing about their culture.

Plus there is neighborhood/area issues. In a caucasian area, I don't think it would be fair to have a child from another race - for the child. I can't imagine how hard it is for a child to grow up in an area where nobody is like you. Plus there is bond to be comments about his difference. It wouldn't matter in a more diversified area of course.

Family, too. Linny, you say you wouldn't associate with people who would have problems with it... but how fair would it be for a child never to see his/fer family because people have a problem with it? I've heard people say that family gets over it. Well, I'm not going to use my child as a guinea pig to find out. I'm not saying that family is necessarily racist, but to me parents just thinking it's a bad idea would be a good enough reason not to be open to race - I can't imagine telling my children 'no sorry you can't meet your grandmother because she has a problem with your race'. Sure, some family members will get over it, but some might still hold back because of the race... not going to take the chance.

Bottom line, we're going for a CC baby. *I* would not have cared that much about race (except AA, because I strongly feel that an AA child, even mixed, should grow up knowing about their culture), but you can't just do what you want in those situations, you have to think about what it will be like for the child, too.

[ManyTimesBlessed]

To give you background for those of you who don't know me, my husband and I are both CC and we are in the process of adopting a Hispanic child and an an African child. For us, race wasn't a concern. I kind of like the idea of having a multiracial family from around the globe.

Here's my opinion, though:

I would say that if someone honestly is not comfortable with adopting a child of another race, then they should not do it. That person may want to take time for self reflection and decide if they have a racist attitude, but what it comes down to is that it is not best for the child if they are raised by a parent who is not comfortable with their race.

I think that people have a natural desire for their child to look like them. I think that often even though they know the child will not have their features, some parents still want to hold onto that desire by adopting a child who is their race and who may potentially have some of the same features or the same "look". People also have the desire to be a "normal" family. If you adopt transracially then you are going to stand out and no matter how hard you try, some people will never think of you as a normal family. Personally, that doesn't matter to me, but for some people that is a big deal.

I think it is best for adoptive parents to be open to all races and if they find that they have a predjudice against a certain race then they should deal with that issue in their own mind and heart. However, when it comes down to it, each person needs to be honest with themselves about what type of child they feel they can parent. I don't think it is necessarily racism to want to adopt a child who is the same race as you.

Food for thought: we don't criticise an AA couple that wants to adopt an AA baby, so in the same way I don't think that we should be too hard on a CC couple who wants to adopt a CC baby.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by WhitmireFamily

Food for thought: we don't criticise an AA couple that wants to adopt an AA baby, so in the same way I don't think that we should be too hard on a CC couple who wants to adopt a CC baby.

I was just thinking the same thing!

Natalie

[transracialadoptblog]

I am going to address this on my blog (I write the transracial adoption blog for Adoption.com) http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/

but I just want to say...

An Asian child or an Hispanic child is not less "different" than a black child, and anyone who is open to some races and not others, has some serious soul-searching to do.

People who say they are open to other races but not AA because "those kids need to know their culture" are fooling themselves. Asian children, Native American children and Hispanic children need to know their culture just as much, and those cultures are just as different as African American culture is.

It is essential that all adoptive parents, who adopt a child of a different race, even if it is "only" Asian or Hispanic, to educate themselves about that child's culture and to teach that child about their culture, and to take pride in who they are and where they are from.

I actually respect people more that say they will only accept a child that is of the same race as themselves, than I do someone who is open to "some" races but not others.

Best,
Erin
Mom to 9, soon to be 10,
some white, some black, some Asian, all loved, cherished and spoiled rotten.

[lisa in venice]

I think not wanting to have a your chidlren's adopted status obvious to the world is a VERY legitimate reason to only consider chidren of your own race. I never think twice about that but do get uncomfortable with people only adopting SOME children of other races but not others. I have a hard time accepting that one because adoption is goning to be obvious if you are CC and have Asian children why are they more "acceptable" to family and neighbors? I think that is racist in a very patronizing way, you know some minorities are close enough to CC to be sort of OK.

lisa

[4baby02]

Originally Posted by WhitmireFamily

Food for thought: we don't criticise an AA couple that wants to adopt an AA baby, so in the same way I don't think that we should be too hard on a CC couple who wants to adopt a CC baby.

Excellent point!

[Linny]

Point well said, Erin. We have never understood this ourselves; and yet there are agencies who perpetuate this myth just as much! None of our children have been raised with what some of society would call, 'THEIR culture'.
Our first two babies were Asian.....we lived a small portion of their lives within the Air Force; and the rest of their childhood in a VERY rural area, on a farm, with only a couple of Asian kids around---who were very seldom seen, except at certain events.
Ask them (the kids) now what they thought of this (both are in their mid-twenties)...and they'll tell you that the experiences were good. That they learned a lot about life, and seldom thought about these 'differences'. Did we try to instill stuff about Japan and Korea to them? Yes. In fact, we lived in Okinawa, Japan for three years---brought a bunch of stuff we just KNEW they'd want to have around during their childhood, encouraged going to different Asian events, even had Japanese kids come live with us for two weeks; and to our surprise, they thought we were NUTS to think that we needed to expose them to more! In fact, they have both said to us "We were adopted as INFANTS........we are American!"
I know each child is different, differences in ethnicity need to be encouraged and explored.....but there is also a lot of undue pressure and hoopla associated with this too. Bottom line on this: Be prepared, but don't be surprised if your child turns out to be more like 'you', than the 'culture' of which everyone else thinks they should follow. There are a lot of smiliarities in values, beliefs and customs we all share, regardless of ethnicity.

In response to Fran's comments about family?

Family, too. Linny, you say you wouldn't associate with people who would have problems with it... but how fair would it be for a child never to see his/fer family because people have a problem with it? I've heard people say that family gets over it. Well, I'm not going to use my child as a guinea pig to find out. I'm not saying that family is necessarily racist, but to me parents just thinking it's a bad idea would be a good enough reason not to be open to race - I can't imagine telling my children 'no sorry you can't meet your grandmother because she has a problem with your race'. Fran

The point is, Fran....that if we had family members who didn't feel comfortable with a transracial family.........WE wouldn't associate with them....LONG before the child was placed with us, you see.
We'd/ We have no time for bigots--family or otherwise, and so they would have been 'crossed off of the family reunion list' long before we'd have brought a child home!!!

In terms of being a 'guinea pig'....I completely agree with you. No family member would be so important to us that we would dare bring a child into this unit without knowing what to expect....yet, I've seen this happen, and it's sad.

And......we have learned the art of having others fill in as grandparents to our children, simply because my mother is already passed away, and almost all of our family lives a very long way from us now. The grandparents of my children have their faults, but they accept our children. They'd have been 'dropped' long ago, if this were not the case. No biological tie is that important to us. (Never was in the first place! We chose to adopt rather than give birth to begin with.)

A few others have made comments that adoptive couples/people need to think through their preferences before deciding. I think this is very good advice. I've actually heard of couples who 'brought the baby back to the agency because---once they got home--- they felt the child was too dark'
While this kind of action disgusts me to no end; I also think that the child is much better off without these bigoted parents; and certainly a better qualified parent was thrilled to have the baby!!!!

So, it's a matter of personal preference...and certainly not one to take lightly. As I said before, all of these reasons are valid, certainly. Each must think these things through. It is up to others to decide if these reasons are those of predjudice or not; but in the long run, if someone feels they 'can't love a child of a race different than themselves', then they should not adopt transracially. (And I guess we're just weird, because there is no way we ever wished or fantasized to have a baby/child that looked like us! LOL!)

Sincerely,

Linny

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by transracialadoptblog

but I just want to say...

An Asian child or an Hispanic child is not less "different" than a black child, and anyone who is open to some races and not others, has some serious soul-searching to do.

People who say they are open to other races but not AA because "those kids need to know their culture" are fooling themselves. Asian children, Native American children and Hispanic children need to know their culture just as much, and those cultures are just as different as African American culture is.

It is essential that all adoptive parents, who adopt a child of a different race, even if it is "only" Asian or Hispanic, to educate themselves about that child's culture and to teach that child about their culture, and to take pride in who they are and where they are from.

I actually respect people more that say they will only accept a child that is of the same race as themselves, than I do someone who is open to "some" races but not others.

I think you should probably not put everyone in the same basket, and realize that lots of people who are open to hispanic but not AA babies might just know much more about the hispanic culture than the AA one. You can't generalize this way... Just IMO.

Otherwise, I totally agree.

Originally Posted by Linny

The point is, Fran....that if we had family members who didn't feel comfortable with a transracial family.........WE wouldn't associate with them....LONG before the child was placed with us, you see.
We'd/ We have no time for bigots--family or otherwise, and so they would have been 'crossed off of the family reunion list' long before we'd have brought a child home!!!

Whether it's before or after the adoption, I think it's the same issues though... I couldn't imagine bringing up my children without them knowing their grandparents. Not saying my parents nor dh's are racists, but they might be uncomfortable if we adopted a child from another race. For my child's sake, I don't want to take this risk.

I understand that for you family doesn't matter... but for others, it does. I grew up with a pretty scattered family and I'm not so happy about it, so I don't want to push my children into the same problem (most live pretty far though).

Again though, because someone chooses not to adopt transracially, doesn't necessarily mean that they couldn't love a child of another race as much... Because again, it's not just about us, but about how the world around perceives it... and you can't just 'drop' the whole world.

I realize it's a tough subject and it's extremely easy to misunderstand or feel offended when reading a post... but I think it would be better if people would just post their opinion and not try to second-guess other people's motives. In the end, we all have our reasons and they are all valid.

[lisa in venice]

Originally Posted by Fran27

I think you should probably not put everyone in the same basket, and realize that lots of people who are open to hispanic but not AA babies might just know much more about the hispanic culture than the AA one. You can't generalize this way... Just IMO.

Otherwise, I totally agree.

That is another totally valid reason for picking one race over another HOWEVER how many times have we seen padoptive parents list EVERY race or combination of races except AA. What these people are experts on every other culture? I don't think so.

lisa

[lisa in venice]

Originally Posted by Fran27

Whether it's before or after the adoption, I think it's the same issues though... I couldn't imagine bringing up my children without them knowing their grandparents. Not saying my parents nor dh's are racists, but they might be uncomfortable if we adopted a child from another race. For my child's sake, I don't want to take this risk.

Totally to change the subject. It really saddens me that people never think twice about associating with people who ARE racist just because they are family. How are we ever going to change the world if we keep accepting bigoted behavior as if it is ok? We have family members who are biogted (sexual orientatio issues) and you can bet your bottom dollar that my kids aren't going to spend time with them. I don't spend time with them and I really believe that people would be a whole lot less "free" with their cruel remarks and flagrant ignorance if we were not as a society so tolerant of it.

lisa

[Linny]

I understand that for you family doesn't matter... but for others, it does.--Fran

Now come on, Fran. I didn't say that 'family doesn't matter'! I said that family who would not accept my children of another race would not matter. There is a difference. We just wouldn't let the preferences of our parents dictate what we would do, that's all.
I'm not saying you are wrong in your beliefs; I'm merely saying that this is not what we would do, okay?
And, I'll add again...that I would rather a couple realize what they will/won't do....could/ couldn't do before that baby was available, than adopt a child they couldn't feel comfortable with (now or later)---whatever their reasonings.

Like I said, there is no way we would feel comfortable parenting a CC baby. Lots of reasons here, but we just couldn't, and it wouldn't be fair to the baby, or to other couples who feel they could only parent a CC baby.

Sincerely,

Linny