[timni]

Wow this is a heated debate. i hesitate to give my two cents but I guess I am jumping in the fire. My grandparents are racist, I ignore it. My parents however are not and they taught us about the evils of stereotyping early on. I believe that classifying people as a race is of itself racist. Interesting point but true.

I did not adopt a child of another race because I am selfish. I didn't want to be a visually adoptive family. My cousins are a different race then my Aunt and Uncle and I have watched that affect them all along. I just didn't feel up to the challenge of that lifelong situation. So I accept that I am selfish on this point and that I guess a little racist too. But I am a good person who is always striving to improve myself and how I treat others. In the end isn't that all we can ask of eachother? Please do your best towards others and hope they do likewise regardless of race sex or financial status.

so there you go my 2 cents for whatever they are worth.

[awaitingagirl]

Well it deosnt seem like everyone will ever agree on this. Everyone has their own degree of fear and education (or thier lackof).
We have opened up to all races and it is a jump for us. Our first was cc only because we were simply uneducated about it and actually scared of what family members would think. We did talk to them, but still scared us.
Now, we are open and yes it will be an adjustment. especially if the mix has AA in it. I only say this because there is a lot to learn about the care of an aa or aa/mix child. That is my only fear. May be unfounded, but its mine
Happily there are a few aa/cc and aa families in our neighborhood who have gladly offered thier services in helping me learn about it.

[BrandyHagz]

Hi everyone, I wanted to step in for a second and post a gentle reminder for all of you.

There is no ‘right or wrong’ when it comes to deciding how we will build our families. Everyone has to evaluate their circumstances, their abilities and their desires and set out on a path that works best for them. What is right for you is not necessarily right for others and while everyone is free to share their opinions and how it relates to the decision they made as an adoptive parent or hopeful adoptive parent – no one should ever sit in judgment of someone else’s decision regarding their path to parenthood.

Adoption is a very emotional topic for everyone – we all feel passionate about our decisions and those can sometimes be misunderstood or relayed in a way that makes others feel uncomfortable because they didn’t choose that same path.

Please remember, when it comes to personal decisions like adoption, the only right decision is a fully informed and educated one. No one should ever be pushed into or made to feel guilty about making a decision they aren’t full prepared to deal with, be it domestic infant CC, International, transracial or waiting child adoption…we all know what we can and can’t handle…those decisions should be respected!

[wishing4more]

I have no doubt that we all agree that someone who is uncomfortable with AA "culture" has no business adopting a AA or AA/whatever child. It is just so hard for those of us who have beautiful AA children to see how they are anything other that "desirable." They are after all just kids, and our feelings for them are no different then if they were Caucasian, Asian, or Hispanic.

I understand that it is not that easy for everyone to just let go of the issue of skin color, eye color, and hair texture. I understand that we all come to adoption with different needs and desires. I do have a hard time with families who are open to only certain "combinations" and really wonder if they have what it takes to become an interracial family.

[JPDakota]

As all of you know, when you as a couple make the decision to adopt it feels like there are seven million decisions to make. Of course, everyone has an opinion and sometimes it feels like you're expected to justify everything to everyone. Just look at the whole open/closed adoption topic, or special needs issues, or foster care or private, or age of the child. Co-sleep or baby has their own room, nurse or not, international or domestic? Stay at home Mom or Dad? Agency or attorney? And, yes, race.
I understand this forum to be about opinions and ideas, not about consensus. The original question was "Is being more selective about race sometimes okay or is it always a cop-out?" My answer, which is an opinion? Weltanshaung.

[Forever_family]

Maybe off subject (sorry if it is) but how to you feel about a CC family who ONLY want to adopt an AA or biracial infant? We are not "open" to any other race. We have two CC daughters and plan on eventually adopting 2 AA or Biracial children. We have a lot of reasons for this, most personal/spiritual, but we also feel there are many CC families who only want CC infants, let them have them is sort of how we feel, these babies are who we are dreaming about and praying for. Does anyone see anything wrong with this?

[DreamingAzure]

Originally Posted by Forever_family

Maybe off subject (sorry if it is) but how to you feel about a CC family who ONLY want to adopt an AA or biracial infant? We are not "open" to any other race. We have two CC daughters and plan on eventually adopting 2 AA or Biracial children. We have a lot of reasons for this, most personal/spiritual, but we also feel there are many CC families who only want CC infants, let them have them is sort of how we feel, these babies are who we are dreaming about and praying for. Does anyone see anything wrong with this?

I most decidedly find it interesting...but not horribly wrong. UNLESS you are doing it out of some sense of guilt or to make up for your ancestor's evil ways. Then I think there is a problem....I mention these things because they are reasons that I have seen given , and those situations did NOT end happily.

Interesting...but not wrong

[Forever_family]

No, its more of certain events that have happened in our lives, a "feeling" if you will, that I'm guessing most wouldn't understand, that this is the baby and eventually babies meant for our family and that they are AA or Biracial. I just know that my babies are either AA or Biracial...don't know if anyone can understand that? I also wouldn't want a future adopted AA or Bircacial baby to EVER think that they were not our first and only choice. No guilty reasons for adoption just our first choice. I'm assuming we can't be the only ones as there are many adoption agencies geared strictly for AA and AA/CC infants and many CC families choose those agencies knowing they will not be adopting a CC infant. Also countries in African and Haiti where adoptive parents are CC and choose African/Haitian children. I just wonder if we are strange to use a domestic agency...anyway.

As foster parents we accepted any child regardless of race but most of our foster babies have been biracial and AA because the SW who placed knew we have strong ties to the AA community.

[traceyk]

We too ONLY put in for bi-racial or full AA even though we and our two teenage daughters were CC. I felt the same way, let them fight over the CC ones and I am SOOO glad I did because my daughter is one of the most special things that has ever happened to us To us, having another baby was our goal. In fact we were open to AA embryo adoption as well. I have AA people come up to me all the time and say how happy they are that I have opened my heart and home to her when most wouldn't. I tell them we actually are the lucky ones because she has made our life so complete and my older daughters love her with no hesitation, just as we raised them

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by traceyk

We too ONLY put in for bi-racial or full AA even though we and our two teenage daughters were CC. I felt the same way, let them fight over the CC ones and I am SOOO glad I did because my daughter is one of the most special things that has ever happened to us To us, having another baby was our goal. In fact we were open to AA embryo adoption as well. I have AA people come up to me all the time and say how happy they are that I have opened my heart and home to her when most wouldn't. I tell them we actually are the lucky ones because she has made our life so complete and my older daughters love her with no hesitation, just as we raised them

We are doing the same program as Tracey -- same agency, actually. We said only AA or biracial, because it's just something we feel we are meant to do. I figure the ones that feel strongly about wanting a white baby can go ahead and wait the long waits and pay the big bucks, and while they're still waiting and still forking out money, we'll be enjoying being parents to our son or daughter.

[awaitingagirl]

Yes, this time around, I feel it in me and feel its what we're, as a family, being called to do. I feel very strongly in fact. Some may not "get" it, but thats fine. They dont have too. But I think we should all quit worrying about why people do and dont. Its really not any of ours' business.

[aspenhall]

I really want to explain myself a little better. BTW, The words I have in quotations are not my words/descriptions, but ones I have heard in the situation I am describing.

When I discribed the overall idea of *strict culture* I meant the attitude of *outsiders NOT WELCOME*, I have never seen a hispanic or asian being "called out" by those in their community for acting "too white" however, I see AA people ALL THE TIME who are being "called out" made fun of, dissed, by the AA community for being "too white". Hence, the pressure to raise them with the appropriate level of "black -ness" (to avoid that situation) is simply a challenge that I feel is quite difficult for me/us....however if presented with an AA child that feels right to me then I would proceed with the adoption and trust in God to help me meet the challenge that *I percieve* to be there. I do not feel the same pressure to raise a child with the appropriate level of "hispanic-ness" or "asian-ness" it would just be teaching of that culture, while raising them in mine. Because my experiences point that differences are more readily welcomed in those communities on a whole.

I did not say all AA's feel this way, and I did not mean the whole AA community feels this way, all I am saying is what I was told by *SEVERAL* AA Adopted adults... That they had no place. Both in the AA community because of being raised in a "white culture" and in a CC community because of their skin color. ALSO, I've witnessed that in the AA community, the more you appear to be CC (bi-racial), the easier it is accepted by the AA community that you weren't raised fully in an AA culture....

I'm not saying my views should be anyone elses views and I really can't understand my DH's views sometimes, but I wanted to put our experience/reasons out there.

To me, Racism is "Rating a person's Social standing based on the color of their skin".

I personally, would put "open to all" on my application. AND isn't it REALLY Racist of the agencies to even HAVE that question?

I mean if you are not a match with a potential situation for ANY reason you decline it. Why not eliminate the question all together, and rely on a situation specific decision??

Or make the question more like.....Do you have a race preference?.....simple yes or no answer that the CW can discuss further if the answer is yes.

I hope I made a bit more sense. I want to point out that I am trying to describe my personal experiences with the average overall situations/communities and that obviously there are exceptions to EVERYTHING.

[JPDakota]

You know, my husband was pretty adamant that he would not be comfortable with a physically handicapped, FAS or Down Syndrom child, and I went along with that. That's another example of the questions on the application form and the discussions they foster about constucting your family. Right or wrong? I don't know.

[More2Love]

I haven't posted before but I felt compelled to throw in my two cents as far as Aspenhall's statement that she had "never seen a hispanic or asian being "called out" by those in their community for acting "too white".

Maybe she hasn't, but I have.

I have a very close friend who is Hispanic, who was often bullied and ridiculed by other Hispanic people for being "too white" because he lived in a predominately white area, had no discernable accent, and went to a private school.

My 15 year-old nephew who is Hispanic and who was adopted by my sister, who is Caucasian, at 3 days old, is very resentful of being "raised white" as he perceives it and is now associating only with other Hispanic people, is always upset that his home is not more "Hispanic" as far as the food not being "authentic", and plans to change his last name, when he turns 18, from my sister's German surname to a Hispanic name. This has hurt my sister deeply, as she did her best, as a single parent, to be as culturally sensitive to his ethic origins as possible.

In addition, I had two friends in college, a man who was Chinese and a women who was Vietnamese, who were both given a lot of negative feedback from the general Asian community for being "too white" due to the area they grew up in, certain mannerisms, etc. My female friend was also teased and taunted by other Asians (kids and adults!) for the fact that she was adopted by CC parents.

I fully support and embrace transcultural adoption, and believe it is an overwhelmingly positive experience, but to say that CC parents would not have to face cultural issues with adopting from another race, as long as it wasn't African American, is, IMHO, extremely naive.

[nickchris]

Amen, well said (from an Aquarian BTW )

Originally Posted by More2Love

I haven't posted before but I felt compelled to throw in my two cents as far as Aspenhall's statement that she had "never seen a hispanic or asian being "called out" by those in their community for acting "too white".

Maybe she hasn't, but I have.

I have a very close friend who is Hispanic, who was often bullied and ridiculed by other Hispanic people for being "too white" because he lived in a predominately white area, had no discernable accent, and went to a private school.

My 15 year-old nephew who is Hispanic and who was adopted by my sister, who is Caucasian, at 3 days old, is very resentful of being "raised white" as he perceives it and is now associating only with other Hispanic people, is always upset that his home is not more "Hispanic" as far as the food not being "authentic", and plans to change his last name, when he turns 18, from my sister's German surname to a Hispanic name. This has hurt my sister deeply, as she did her best, as a single parent, to be as culturally sensitive to his ethic origins as possible.

In addition, I had two friends in college, a man who was Chinese and a women who was Vietnamese, who were both given a lot of negative feedback from the general Asian community for being "too white" due to the area they grew up in, certain mannerisms, etc. My female friend was also teased and taunted by other Asians (kids and adults!) for the fact that she was adopted by CC parents.

I fully support and embrace transcultural adoption, and believe it is an overwhelmingly positive experience, but to say that CC parents would not have to face cultural issues with adopting from another race, as long as it wasn't African American, is, IMHO, extremely naive.