[hopefully4]

I have followed this thread for a few days, and I've had a lot of gut reactions that I have sat on for a few days while I gathered my thoughts. I agree with all the PP that said, "if you don't feel comfortable, don't adopt transracially"
I was reading the transracial adoption blog and the author talked about being a highly visible family, and being a transracial family makes you highly visible. You must be prepared for questions, comments, and stares because that will happen. If you do not think you would do well with that, perhaps transracial adoption is not for you.
I think when people make their decision to accept one race, but not another based on misinformation or stereotypes, they are in for a world of hurt. To say that Asian culture is appealing is almost offensive to me, because there is no such thing as Asian culture. Asia is comprised of so many countries and so many completely different cultures, many of which have no ties at all. I always wonder in the back of my mind if people are thinking of that "Time" article from about 10 years about Asians being a model minority.
We decided to adopt from Ethiopia, and in our family, our son is simply our son. My mother tried to explain to me how she doesn't see him as being black, just as being her grandson. While I understand that, I felt obligated to explain to her that no matter how colorblind we can claim to be, he is a black child and people may look at him and decide that they understand who he is based on the color of his skin.
I think that my son will be seen as an African-American, although he is an Ethiopian American. I'm trying to explain this further and the hand gestures I am using don't seem very effective since you can't see them. I think that the term African-American has more to do with a shared past than anything else. To use the term African American rather than simply American is important because African Americans had a different experience in the formation of our country and its policies and still have repercussions from those policies in a way that CC people do not. While my son may face some of those repercussions, he does not have the shared history.
I guess my point is that African American, to me, does not mean baggy clothes, rap music and brand names, and I think it does a disservice to assume that African American culture is formed by those trivial things.
Sorry for the novel.
Katie

[gobaby]

well said Katie, your son is very lucky to have you, and you him.

[DreamingAzure]

Originally Posted by hopefully4

I think when people make their decision to accept one race, but not another based on misinformation or stereotypes, they are in for a world of hurt. To say that Asian culture is appealing is almost offensive to me, because there is no such thing as Asian culture. Asia is comprised of so many countries and so many completely different cultures, many of which have no ties at all. I always wonder in the back of my mind if people are thinking of that "Time" article from about 10 years about Asians being a model minority.

Originally Posted by Fran27

Something else that occured to me is about the generalization people do about Asian culture... I think that between Vietnam, China and Japan there are very different cultures, and going for a China adoption because you like Japan culture seems really weird to me. I think it's one of those cases where people should really research more, IMO...

Your right there is no "Asian" culture, BUT you will find that there are LOTS of ties between most of them, at one point China has occupied most of them and left it's thumbprint on many.

My love of Japanese culture kicked of my love of Asia and I decided to expand my knowledge base and learn more about the various countries of Asia, including Vietnam & China, Laos, Korea, etc etc. When I got to Vietnam I fell in love, and all these years later I still feel the same way.

I'm getting defensive, and I'm trying not...everyone's path is different and we have to walk the path we have picked. Each path has hills and valleys, and nothing makes one path better then another, it's all a journey that we hopefully learn from.

[nickchris]

Wow!! no this needs to be said....I think you hit all the nails on the head..believe me a lot of AA would feel much more comfortable with a person who "gets it" adopting an black or biracial child.
My asian friend would probally say the same, like Africa, there are so many dialects..etc; hard to pinpoint it down to a generalization of a people. Also there was a lot of "conquering going on too...would cause some issues IMO.

Originally Posted by hopefully4

I have followed this thread for a few days, and I've had a lot of gut reactions that I have sat on for a few days while I gathered my thoughts. I agree with all the PP that said, "if you don't feel comfortable, don't adopt transracially"
I was reading the transracial adoption blog and the author talked about being a highly visible family, and being a transracial family makes you highly visible. You must be prepared for questions, comments, and stares because that will happen. If you do not think you would do well with that, perhaps transracial adoption is not for you.
I think when people make their decision to accept one race, but not another based on misinformation or stereotypes, they are in for a world of hurt. To say that Asian culture is appealing is almost offensive to me, because there is no such thing as Asian culture. Asia is comprised of so many countries and so many completely different cultures, many of which have no ties at all. I always wonder in the back of my mind if people are thinking of that "Time" article from about 10 years about Asians being a model minority.
We decided to adopt from Ethiopia, and in our family, our son is simply our son. My mother tried to explain to me how she doesn't see him as being black, just as being her grandson. While I understand that, I felt obligated to explain to her that no matter how colorblind we can claim to be, he is a black child and people may look at him and decide that they understand who he is based on the color of his skin.
I think that my son will be seen as an African-American, although he is an Ethiopian American. I'm trying to explain this further and the hand gestures I am using don't seem very effective since you can't see them. I think that the term African-American has more to do with a shared past than anything else. To use the term African American rather than simply American is important because African Americans had a different experience in the formation of our country and its policies and still have repercussions from those policies in a way that CC people do not. While my son may face some of those repercussions, he does not have the shared history.
I guess my point is that African American, to me, does not mean baggy clothes, rap music and brand names, and I think it does a disservice to assume that African American culture is formed by those trivial things.
Sorry for the novel.
Katie

[hopefully4]

After thinking about my e-mail, I wanted to clarify that I think the way you come to your child is a personal decision, and it is not my place to legitimize that. Specifically, Shana, if you feel as though your children are waiting in Viet Nam, then I have nothing but good wishes to you on your journey. I am not trying to tell anyone that his decision is the wrong one, I just want to clarify some of the reasoning.
Katie

[kidmd2b]

I agree. With all of this debate on what we feel on the issues, it should in no way make people feel that we don't respect their right to choose. Everyone has the right to decide what is best for their family and everyone is allowed to have preferences. Whether it be a choice between domestic or international or which country internationally or even a gender preference, we all have to make the decision as to what is best for our circumstance. If someone is intrigued by Asian culture or nuances of all cultures in the asian region, that is okay. I think that what has inflamed many, misinterpreted or not, is the perception that people feel that hispanic or AA culture is less desirable or not as good as the asian cultures. I could be wrong, but I think that people wouldn't have gotten so upset if the thought was just that someone was choosing a child from an asian culture because they already knew a lot about the culture, had most of their social contacts as that nationality and thought it would be an easier transition for a child of that race. No one thinks that asian children shouldn't be chosen for adoption. I think what gets people so inflamed is that people qualify or explain their choice with negative comments about other races instead of accentuating the positive reasons why they chose what they did.
Cindy C

[wlbooklady]

Well, as the mom to 2 bi-racial sons, this has been a very helpful, interesting post. I admit, when we decided to adopt transracially, we were pretty naive about the responsibilities involved. Because we had a bi-racial family in our immediate family and were open-minded, we thought that would be enough. Also, we chose to adopt transracially because we saw the need (it bothered me in my initial adoption research that there were so many more waiting children of color) and, I'm now embarrassed to say, because it was less expensive and faster. Our first agency had one of those policies to encourage PAP to adopt transracially where the Minority adoptions were cheaper; at the time I thought it was a good way to get more Minority kids adopted. Now that I'm a bit more educated, I don't think it's such a good idea, and our second agency charges one fee for all adoptions (they're also one-fifth as expensive as our first agency, but that's another gripe!).
Because my older son's adoption is open and we're in contact with his birthmother, who is biracial and AA herself, and he has a full bio bother who lives with her, I see firsthand what he is missing out on. His brother is being raised in AA culture; our son is not. We are doing what we can to raise him with a sense of his culture -- having diverse friends; attending cultural events; being in Mocha Moms, a mom's group for women of color, etc. But I'm not fooling myself -- it's not the same. When he's older, I'm thinking it'd be great to get him into Cub Scouts or something like that with an AA leader who can be a role model for him. There are some things we just aren't going to be able to teach him, never having experienced them ourselves.
Having said that, I do think there are times when it's not being racist to choose to adopt in your races or certain races, but that there probably is racism behind many people's choices. However, I wholly agree with other posters that if you do feel uncomfortable with adopting a cetain race, you probably shouldn't be. I also think, re people's comments on "What is AA culture?", that economics plays a big role. Middle-class people of different races probably have more in common than people of the same race in different economic groups. Most APs are middle-class because unfortunately in our country, adoption costs $. Also, I think there are some very deep-rooted prejudices in our culture about what is beautiful, etc., that I don't know a lot about as a white woman. My mom's club book group just read The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison, which I highly recommend. It's a lyrically written but disturbing book (Morrsion's first, published in 1970) about a poor, AA girl who wants to have blue eyes so that she'll be loved and accepted, and it's stark depiction of what our society teaches about beauty and value. I had to make myself keep reading it, because it was so sad, but I feel that's part of my job as the CC mom to biracial children (and as a librarian!). It's not the same as first-hand experience, but I do think reading books that deal with this issue does help. I also find these message boards are great for that, too. Even though sometimes it's uncomfortable or confrontational, it helps us deal with the complex issues of adopting outside of our race. I think it's great that so many PAPs are here and thinking about these tough issues before the adoption. I would've still made the decidion to adopt transracially if I'd been more knowledgeable, I think, but it would've been very helpful to have considered all of these questions before the adoption.

[moe331]

Congradulations about getting thru the homestudy process. My husband and I have been waiting over a year for a domestic infant. We struggled with the racial issues as well especially since we live in a more rural setting. Personally, I don't think its a cop- out to be selective. You need to do what will feel most comfortable for your family and community. In our case we decided that we weren't comfortable adopting a full african american child but that a bi-racial white/africian american would be okay. In part of our rural setting and also that we didn't have any close friends who were african american to be immediate role models. Hope this helped.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by moe331

In our case we decided that we weren't comfortable adopting a full african american child but that a bi-racial white/africian american would be okay. In part of our rural setting and also that we didn't have any close friends who were african american to be immediate role models. Hope this helped.

But why would a biracial child be in less need of an AA role model than a full AA child? In an orientation for an agency (i went with a different agency), there was a white couple there. When asked what type of children they were looking for, it was almost like they felt ashamed to say "white" (they lived in a rural, white area), and then said "Biracial would be ok too, we have a friend who has biracial kids, they're just beautiful."

I dont get that...if due to your area, you wouldnt adopt a black child, would a 1/2 black child really be seen any differently? I have *no problem* with choosing not to adopt outside your race, but i think before you accept a biracial child you should do alot more soul-searching about whether thats a decision you should make.

This isnt directed at you at all, but i think there is a tendancy amongst some white people to view biracial children as better (more beautiful, more desirable, more *white*)than full AA children. I was speaking to a friend about her friend's foster child (she might not adopt the child so i wanted her to know i was interested)...the child's half siblings are biracial, but this child is full AA...she made a point of saying she was "light skinned"...i dont know if she was just trying to be descriptive or if she was trying to "sell" me on the child.

I dunno...if you do adopt a biracial child, just be aware that biracial kids (like all kids) come in a rainbow of colors. A child on our local photolisting (hopefully i'll be able to put my homestudy in for him) is biracial, and appears to have blond hair and blue eyes, some biracial children look more AA.


Katherine

[JayBon]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

...of course by far the white race has been MORE racist, but AA are not free of this either....
Natalie

I do not agree with this statement. We are a transracial family with adopted children, that are now in their mid to late 20's. They were adopted as infants. We have actually seen much more negative reactions from AA's regarding transracial adoption than we have from any other race. And 26+ years ago, it was even worse.

[tinatyme]

Wow! I have been both appalled and heartened by some of the things I have read in this thread. I am a biracial adult who looks very CC. There are many biracial children and adults in my family as well as CC men and women and AA men and women.

When I was born, my mother's family (CC) disowned her and her children because of the husband that she had chosen and the children that she had. It is nice to say that you are colorblind or that you don't see color but the reality is that even if that is true you will still have to deal with the consequences of others seeing color and perceived racial differences. For those that have said that they would not adopt an AA child because of their neighborhood, school, family, partners, etc. and that they don't see why that's a problem, I would say there is probably a lot about diversity that you miss and that you shouldn't adopt ANY child that differs from you.

Just be careful because someday your CC child might bring home a AA partner or (gasp) decide to have children with them (biologically or through adoption) and then you will be forced to deal with the racism that is all around and your perceptions. Your children (whether they are CC or AA or anything else) will have to deal with racism. I would hope that even if your family makes the choice not to adopt an AA child that all these CC children are not being sheltered to the point that they don't interact with children of other backgrounds and beliefs. If there is no diversity in your neighborhood and schools, why aren't you asking why and being part of the solution?

I have one adopted biracial daughter, one foster biracial son, and one AA foster son. Whether I "introduce" them to their culture (and can somebody give me the manual on how this is done appropriately) or not they will be black in America. I can take them to all the cultural festivals I want (and we do value education in our family) and talk about both AA and biracial pioneers in history, but the reality is that they will need me to be culturally sensitive and AWARE when they are dealing with the blows that the world deals to them; when they are followed by security or called slurs or can't find a black barbie doll among the sea of white ones. It is my responsibility, therefore, as their mother to have dealt with my issues around race and privilege and to know what prejudices I have (and we all have them).

For me this is why it is so important to have the conversations about race and privilege in your home (whether you are CC/AA/Latino/Asian). My children need to know where I stand and have my actions toward all people be reflected in my words. That is what will make a lasting impression; not the color of my skin or that of my neighbors or whether they originally come from Ethiopia or Mexico. We can all find common ground if we try hard enough, but some people are not willing to try and some are not comfortable with the messiness that it would introduce into their lives and that's okay. There are parents out there that are willing to step out of their comfort zone and into the unknown and welcome the messiness.

Sorry if I have offended some, just keepin it real! This is solely my opinion and you are free to disagree.

[Forever_family]

Tinatyme,

Thank you for your post-very articulate, I agree. I read with great interest because as a CC family wanting to adopt AA or Biracial children I sometimes feel very inadequate. Prior to wanting to adopt we've done our best to have our children surrounded by many cultures and religions. As you said so well, this is important for ANY child, no matter their race. We have lived internationally and were able to attend a private school that was multicultural, families from Africa, Egypt, Caribbean, England, America... It was wonderful. Now we are in the US. It is harder (I feel almost impossible) to duplicate that experience. Makes me want to move to NYC, if dh could stand it. To be multicultural feels almost impossible. I know you are going to wonder if I am being silly. Our church is diverse...our school is relatively diverse. Unfortunately in our area socio economically there is such a divide and I am trying to cross that divide. Many of my CC associates won't go into the neighborhoods I feel very comfortable in. CC people (okay don't blast me on this) I'm one of them, I do feel we like to not be the "only ones" anyway I am skirting a fine line. I have been the "only" CC in many neighborhoods, in the country we lived in, at the market, walking alone...I got over it. But I remember how it felt and I have to worry that my future adopted sensitive (as teenagers can me) son or daughter will feel this in our family. It hurts to my core thinking about this, that in adopting I would be also causing hurt unintentionally.

I am also a foster parent of an AA toddler. I do my best but his mother noticed he was afraid of AA men. I already knew this about him but hadn't wanted to say anything because I was embarrassed. He has sickle cell and is afraid of everyone (due to hospital/Doctor visits) he is not intimately familiar with but he is especially afraid of AA men. I've done my best to be around as many AA men as possible but to no avail, he needs one in our family, living with us to get that kind of comfort and over his fear. Sometimes as CC families we have to accept our limitations. I think some CC families who want to adopt are afraid they will never be able to do what the AA community can do because we are limited.

I know I am afraid...however, that won't stop me from adopting. It makes me more aware. In some ways very insecure. When I see AA families while I have my AA foster son I feel the stares and I feel like they are telling us we aren't good enough. Okay so I've had comments from the AA community (unsoliceted) someone outright told me "he belongs with his people." I'm learning how to deal with this, what to say, how to say it, how to have confidence in my parenting of our AA foster son, but I can see how as a CC family you would feel inadequate, insecure, scared...the list could go on.




Lori

[adoptethiopiablog]

Thanks 4 the thoughtful post, Tina!

[tinatyme]

Forever_family thank you so much for the kind words. In response to your post, I think it is alright to feel insecure especially around race/culture issues. Actually, I think all adoptive parents feel some insecurity. My children and I do not have a biological connection and I'm always watching out for the comments, looks, rude questions. Sometimes I feel like I have to put on a shield (or in my case paste on a fake smile) to make it through the day without screaming. For me, it is not just skin color that is involved in the insecurity but the totality of our adoption experience.

It sounds like you are making an effort however to be aware of your prejudices and to expose your children to as much diversity as you can. As for being the "only one" or singled out as a teenager, that is generally how most teenagers feel. Whether it is about your skin color, how much you weigh, your sexual orientation, how tall you are etc. most teens feel different and have a rough time dealing with puberty. I had some issues around being biracial as a teenager and it was difficult because often I felt like I wasn't white enough for the white crowd and I wasn't black enough for the black but I was able, with the guidance of some wonderful adults, make it through those years. Now, I'm in a position to be a role model for my younger brothers and sisters and an advocate in the larger community. Should my parents have said before I was born "No, let's not have children because we live in a predominantly white neighborhood and there is not much diversity in the schools and our families might have a problem with it." Thank God they didn't and unfortunately there are many children of all colors out there waiting for a family. It makes me sad that so many wonderful people are cutting themselves off from this experience because they are afraid they won't be enough. For that child, you will be the world!

Anyway, I facilitate diversity education workshops and I'm very passionate about it in my own life (as you can probably tell). Sorry if I have blabbered on. Thanks for the response to my original post.

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by tinatyme

Should my parents have said before I was born "No, let's not have children because we live in a predominantly white neighborhood and there is not much diversity in the schools and our families might have a problem with it."

No offense, but I think it's quite different when one of your parents isn't the same race to start with...

Originally Posted by tinatyme

Just be careful because someday your CC child might bring home a AA partner or (gasp) decide to have children with them (biologically or through adoption) and then you will be forced to deal with the racism that is all around and your perceptions. Your children (whether they are CC or AA or anything else) will have to deal with racism. I would hope that even if your family makes the choice not to adopt an AA child that all these CC children are not being sheltered to the point that they don't interact with children of other backgrounds and beliefs. If there is no diversity in your neighborhood and schools, why aren't you asking why and being part of the solution?

Wow, where did the part about respecting other people's decision go? That's very insulting to insinuate that because someone doesn't want to adopt a child of another race they are racist... which is really what you are doing. Maybe if my children marry someone of another race, their spouse will have more experience than I about dealing with racism? You seem to totally overlook that issue... And excuse me, but I will *not* use my children as a guinea pig to educate other families about diversity...

To each their own, but please don't come here to say that people who are not open to race are racists