[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by hotspice58

Fran: why would an AA child be grateful about being stopped?
CC's who live in certain areas don't see people of other races and cultures. YOU might depending on where you live and work but trust me, not all CC's do. Hence, the "I don't feel comfortable adopting an AA baby".
I'm very open-minded with my kids. I expose them to all races and ethnicities so they'll be able to interact in a positive way with people.
I would hope that if you do adopt, you would expose your kids to other races and ethnicities.

Gees Hotspice - nice generalization with the "uncomfortable to adopt a AA baby" line. I guess everyone who is uncomfortable is because they don't interact with people of other races?? There is a lot MORE to becoming a transracial family than that, and NO NOT everyone is equipped to handle the unique challenges that transracial families will have. They will have DIFFERENT challenges than even a minority family will.

I'm starting to think that people who have a problem with other people's decision ONLY based on what thier decision is are the narrow minded ones.

Natalie

Lisa- GREAt post!!

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by awaitingagirl

OR maybe you both could accept that you have different views and let it be? lol

No, that would be WAY too easy. No one on this board likes easy -- they mostly just like to argue.

[JPDakota]

I really don't think anyone's arguing because they like to, but that's just my opinion.

[Vogi2002]

I think its more like debating. I don't get upset from anyone's comments, mainly curious. I don't think it's getting out of hand...i guess if you don't like the debate/conversation the "participating" part is optional....

[awaitingagirl]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

I really don't think anyone's arguing because they like to, but that's just my opinion.

LOL...Right. I think they do
Oh I enjoy it. Just think that people should agree to disagree instead of continuing to argue the same point.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by hotspice58

Fran: why would an AA child be grateful about being stopped?
.

She's being sarcastic

[taramayrn]

K folks just a reminder to play nice. Let's try and keep this debate a debate not a bunch of flying insults. Okay? I don't really want to shut this thread down. I can just see this getting out of hand, so let's just all remember to play nice.

[tinatyme]

Originally Posted by traceyk

But my point being is that some people say they can't raise a child to be "black" or raise them right because they are CC, but what does raising a child to be "black" mean? And some say I need to becareful not to raise Drihan "white" well, what does that mean? I will raise Drihan with the same values I raised my older children with, but with the exception of making her more aware of her heritage.

I totally agree. I think that people perpetuate the stereotypes and encourage racism and discrimination when they buy into the belief that there is a certain way to raise your child "black" or "white". Because when you do ask what does that mean, the conversation suddenly becomes uncomfortable. What would be different about raising a black child from a white child? This is where the heart of the discussion lies (IMHO) and where do bi or multi racial children fit in. Especially those that are missing the parent of the minority group in their life. Does their quality of life suddenly decline? Are they doomed to be the outcasts of their neighborhoods and families because they aren't "black enough" or "white enough"? What does this say about our race relations in this country?

I'm sorry this is so long. It is my attempt to put some order to my thoughts about this board. I think it has been great.

People have been honest with their feelings and that has lead to heated debate. I don't think it has gotten out of hand, but I will leave that judgement to the moderator.

The original question was: Is being more selective about race sometimes okay or is it always a cop out?

Personally when thinking about this question I had to take it out of the realm of adoption and think about it in terms of other areas of my life. Is being selective about race (when choosing friends) sometimes okay or is it always a cop-out? Always a cop-out

Is being selective about race (when choosing a spouse) sometimes okay or is it always a cop-out? Always a cop-out

Is being selective about race (when choosing social settings) sometimes okay or is it always a cop-out? Always a cop-out

You get my drift. This is just my humble opinion, but I think that people should ask themselves whether they would feel comfortable being so selective/and using race as a basis in other areas of their life.

Tina

[Linny]

Tina:
My computer has been in the shop, so I haven't been able to read all of the recent postings. But, just wanted to say again:
I surely appreciate your insight and opinion! Still, I have to say, that for whatever reason someone chooses NOT to adopt transracially.........if they can't handle it....they shouldn't do it. While I might not agree with their reasonings at all......for the sake of the way they would view the baby, I believe they shouldn't do it at all.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[lisa in venice]

Originally Posted by tinatyme

Personally when thinking about this question I had to take it out of the realm of adoption and think about it in terms of other areas of my life. Is being selective about race (when choosing friends) sometimes okay or is it always a cop-out? Always a cop-out

Is being selective about race (when choosing a spouse) sometimes okay or is it always a cop-out? Always a cop-out

Is being selective about race (when choosing social settings) sometimes okay or is it always a cop-out? Always a cop-out

You get my drift. This is just my humble opinion, but I think that people should ask themselves whether they would feel comfortable being so selective/and using race as a basis in other areas of their life.

Tina

Well as an AA women raised half in an very urban innner city neighborhood and half in the Deep South who majored in design and married a German/American, Geophyicist dh from the Mountain West I can say I didn't really consider race in choosing a spouse. My best friends who I spend the most time with include a motercyle ridin', Rottweiler breedin', hockey addicted Asian women who is a Project Engineer, a LA native Jewish Lawyer with kids the same age as my big ones who is a major mover and shaker in local educaional politics, an Argentine Architect who moved here 30 years ago when her friends started disappearing during the "Dirty War" and a another AA women who is a family therapist who makes a mean margurita and has kids the same ages of my little ones. Come to think of it half of them are married to or dating men who are of different races or religions. So I guess I didn't really consider race when deciding who to hang out with. I like interesting people who have things in common with me, who are adventurous, who like to eat and laugh and fight about politics. I care that someone is open hearted and fun, those things are deeper then skin color or culture.

lisa

[aspenhall]

I wanted to clarfy, that I didn't classify too white too black in my own life.

I was referring to OTHERS who DO make that classification. Since I really have a tendancy to be colorblind...in all sincerety. In my own little circle in my own little town, in my own little life race would not matter much, neither would culture....BUT I cannot keep my child within my own little circle their whole lives...I am saying that raising a happy, well adjusted child takes tremendous skill and effort anyway regardless of any other challenge...some people simply may not wish to take on the additional challenges of making sure their child can fit in 2 cultures equally well.

I myself, wouldn't single out any situation as a definate NO, except perhaps extreme FAS...And as with all my decisions, in parenting, it is based on my perceptions of my capabilities, NOT BASED ON a percieved deficit in the child itself...

BTW, I never set out to adopt a blonde haired blue eyed CC child ....but that's what I ended up with...I actually never thought I would end up with a blonde CC child.....but I hate to think that because we adopted her, that could PROVE someones idea that we were race-selective in our adoption.

[phatpony]

This is an interesting thread. When we started the adoption process, I felt extreme guilt in saying that we were not interested in AA's at all, we would consider any other biracial mix. It is sad, but that is the way it came down. I feel that the fit just would not work very well in our area, but that is just my ignorance showing through. That being said, we are awaiting placement on Friday of a wonderful 8 year old Mexican girl, not bi-racial, but full blooded Mexican. Goes to show ya that regardless of race, a fit can be made, but you have to be adult enough to make the decisions that are right for YOU and the CHILD.

I'm sure that if the right AA child was to come along, there would be no question as to whether or not we would adopt. Love is color blind. I am convinced of that now. I have grown through this process.

Glenn

[tinatyme]

Originally Posted by Linny

Tina:
Still, I have to say, that for whatever reason someone chooses NOT to adopt transracially.........if they can't handle it....they shouldn't do it. While I might not agree with their reasonings at all......for the sake of the way they would view the baby, I believe they shouldn't do it at all.

I totally agree. I think I said that somewhere before. A child should be the center of their parent's world. They should be a first choice and desperately wanted. If you don't think that you can do that, then don't adopt a child that is AA or biracial or whatever category you and your family have decided not to embrace. I just hope that there are those families out there that maybe don't have a lot of experience with other cultures/ethnicities that are willing to stretch a little and think about it and truly examine why they might be open to this and not open to that. In the long run it is a family's choice and a private decision. I just know that there are a lot of AA and biracial babies, toddlers, and children waiting for loving homes and getting older everyday.

Tina

[loveajax]

Instead of working today (as I should be), I just read through all the posts here. Fascinating.

I am the adoptive mom of a beautiful (of course!) biracial (AA/CC) DD (15 mos old). When DH and I started the process, we had very long discussions about what we thought that we would be open to/preferred. Frankly, I think I initially preferred to have a cauc child (we are caucasian), but also decided to be open racially, except to full AA. As I say that now and as I read the discussion here, I feel "guilty." I'd like to say that I have a great explanation for it, but I do think it is a product of "racism" somewhat (I don't think of myself as racist, by the way, and think it is a loaded term). I think I explained it away somewhat more in the sense that I think a child that is "fully" AA may want to be placed in a home with AA parents (and, in fact, I think, at least for a while, that was the "stance" of the American Assoc of Black Social Workers (prob not the exact name).

In any event, now that we have our DD, I think I would prefer to adopt another biracial child as well. I also do think that there is a difference between being biracial and being AA....We are in an open relationship with DD's birth parents, and I think somehow it may be "less complicated" for DD (or maybe "less complicated" for me?) that her two moms are cauc (in fact, we share very similar ethnic b/gs ironically and sort of look alike). It is important to me that DD also know her BF, know that he is biracial, know what struggles he has faced as a biracial man, what his history has been, etc. That said, I also know (which I didn't understand BEFORE adopting) that any child that I adopt will fully be mine so if I adopt again I will be open to children of all races, though I guess it would be nice to adopt another biracial kid (in the right situation).

When we went to visit bps recently, we went to a playground in their city (they live in a very racially integrated place). We had such a great day and DD played with kids of all cultures. It has me thinking about whether we should move from our lily white suburb. I can say things (truthfully) like, "My best friend is biracial," yada yada, but I do worry about DD being one of the few kids of color in her school, etc. My other sort of worry is that my DD is very light-skinned and I don't want her to "forget" that she is AA. (My mother always says, "I would love her if she was green," and I have to say, "but she isn't green, she's AA, mom!")

I don't believe people who have struggled with IF, etc., should feel bad about the choices that they make in an adoption plan. I think everyone agrees that a person should not adopt a child if they are not comfortable (for whatever reason) with raising a child of a certain race, ethnicity, etc.

Finally, while I think it all makes for interesting discussion, I frankly don't expect to be doing that much "differently" in raising her vs. how I would raise a cauc child. Yeah, I want to teach her about the wonderful contributions AAs have made to our culture, want her to deplore prejudice, etc. But I don't particularly embrace ethnic or racial "pride" as a rule (e.g., I am Irish-American and hate when people identify themselves as being more "irish" than "american") so I don't think it will be much of an emphasis in my child-rearing (I know there is a lot of debate about this, I am just being honest here). In the end, you parent your child as you see fit.

Anyway, a lot of food for thought...I appreciate all the comments.

[bluedaisy]

Glenn, I'm thinking you already know this, but I want to make sure that it's out there that being "Mexican" doesn't tell you anything about someone's race. Mexican is a nationality. People who are Mexican can be indigineous Native American (think of Mayan people in southern Mexico who have features that seem almost Asian); of African descent; or caucasian.