[jaenelle]

DH and I are CC. We plan to put, on our adoption application/preference form, that we are open to any race/ethnic background of baby. We are doing a domestic infant adoption. My mother has known this for at least 2 weeks -- I know I told her the night we talked to the agency which was 3-31. Last night, she and I were talking and she wanted to know, pretty much out of the blue, if we would "try to get a white baby first" -- the implication being that if we couldn't get a white baby, then and only then would we move to considering other races. I asked if she had a problem with that. She said she didn't think an AA baby/child would fit in very well around here, and I assume part of it is *her* problem as well, or she wouldn't even have brought it up. She mentioned that children from Guatemala are "very cute" and wondered why we weren't adopting from there. My answer was: partly cost, partly red tape, partly travel, partly a lot of things. It just doesn't feel right to us at this time. But the overall gist of this is that now I feel she may not support us or love our child if it isn't lighter skinned. And she seems to be putting a kind of "scale" of value, based on skin color, with AA at the "bad" end and white at the "good" end and things like Hispanic and Asian in the "middle". Any advice? Did anyone have family members who were less than thrilled with your decision to be open to AA? We are not changing our application -- we still plan to remain open to all races and see what happens. I guess I just wanted to vent and ask what everyone thought -- sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense; I'm still fairly upset about the whole thing.

[mamabee]

Jaenelle, I know how you feel. I have posted before on another thread on this very issue to help someone else. We are CC and we adopted a bi-racial son and everyone in my family was very supportive but my Dad. He said he couldn't handle it...he went on to explain his reasons but I wouldn't hear it. My husband and I stood our ground and we were even willing to lose contact with my Dad over this subject because we do not support racism in any fashion. However, after we got our son things began to change....my Dad came around and now he and my son are so very close. Not to say this will always happen, but there are people out there, unfortunately, who will always have a problem with a different race, but you stand your ground. Tell your Mom how you feel and why you feel she is wrong...let her know you respect her right to her own opinions but you do not feel the same.

[Yash]

I agree with mamabee, you have to stand your ground. This is your life and your husband's, not your mother's. With that said, you should think carefully over this, if your mother is unwilling to accept your child, if you do adopt a child that is "too dark", are you willing to distance yourself from her? Possibly even cut off contact with her?

Best of luck,

Yash

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by Yash

I agree with mamabee, you have to stand your ground. This is your life and your husband's, not your mother's. With that said, you should think carefully over this, if your mother is unwilling to accept your child, if you do adopt a child that is "too dark", are you willing to distance yourself from her? Possibly even cut off contact with her?

Best of luck,

Yash

Well, that is a very difficult question to answer, because I work with my mom in a job that I love, and we also live in the same town as her. There is no way with my education I could find a job that was anywhere near as good as this one (I have worked my way up here and if I went anywhere else I would have to go right back to the bottom again.) I guess if that happened we would just have to do it, but it would be very difficult emotionally and financially. I just can't believe that she won't accept our child -- I just really can't. She and I have had serious problems before where I had to consider what I would do if she hadn't been okay with things, but everything worked out in those cases. I guess I'm just going to have to hope that it will work out in this case too.

[mamabee]

Jaenelle---I may be wrong but I sensed in your previous post that if you did not get your Mother's approval that you probably would not be willing to go through with the adoption of another race. Then again, I hear you wondering why your mother doesn't understand. Tell us what she is saying and maybe we can help....and/or please make sure within yourself you are up to the challenge before you involve an innocent child. We are here for you.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by mamabee

Jaenelle---I may be wrong but I sensed in your previous post that if you did not get your Mother's approval that you probably would not be willing to go through with the adoption of another race. Then again, I hear you wondering why your mother doesn't understand. Tell us what she is saying and maybe we can help....and/or please make sure within yourself you are up to the challenge before you involve an innocent child. We are here for you.

I am absolutely committed to going through with this adoption, and to being open to any race. That is not something I am willing to compromise on. Either my mother will have to accept and love our child, or will we certainly minimize our contact with her. I was simply saying that while we could do things like move and change jobs if necessary, obviously it would be better if she would just be completely accepting so we didn't have to do those things. I *like* my job, and I *like* where I live. Would I give that up if my child was unhappy? Absolutely. Do I want to? No.

Thanks for replying.

[mamabee]

Jaenelle----Just checking with you!!! I am proud of you and I will be praying that things change for you with your Mother. Please keep us posted.

[bohtieque]

Jaenelle-

My husband and I are also going through a domestic adoption--we're enrolled in a program for AA/BR children, exclusively. I spoke to my parents about our decision early in the game and did get feedback from my father about the child fitting in well. I probed a little farther and he told me he just didn't want my child or me going through the pain that he did when I got off the bus in the afternoons crying because someone had picked on me. I understood his point and explained to him that I knew there would be some issues, but that lots of kids--including kids like me--go through rough times in school and out. I think he understood and hasn't brought it up again; in fact, he's been asking questions here and there to try to make sure he's using the right terms for race and adoption.

Is it possible that your mother is just concerned about you and your expected child in a similar sort of way?

Good Luck Julie

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by bohtieque

Jaenelle-

Is it possible that your mother is just concerned about you and your expected child in a similar sort of way?

Good Luck Julie

I honestly don't know for sure, Julie. She did definitely bring up those "fitting in" issues, yes. I wish I had had a tape recorder or something because I honestly was so unnerved by the conversation that I don't have anything more than a general recollection of what was even said.

I just want to do my child justice and be the best parent that I can to him or her. And I would really like my mother's support and help in that. I honestly don't believe she won't be loving and accepting once she meets the child, but I still have to worry a bit, because for me it will be such a hard thing if by some small chance she doesn't.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by jaenelle

She mentioned that children from Guatemala are "very cute" and wondered why we weren't adopting from there. .

You could also mention to her that Guatemalan babies become Guatemalan adults. All babies are cute. And people who adopt from Guatemala face the same issues with race as their families take shape. Hispanic people face discrimination, too.

And even if you decided on adopting a white baby, the baby is still adopted and won't look just like cousin Johnny.

I think a lot of people choose China and Guatemala because the babies are "cute" and forget that cute babies grow up fast. They somehow think that race won't play as big of an issue as it would if the child was black or bi-racial. But when these kids get to school, they are faced with the same questions that point out how different they are from their birth family. ("Why is your Mom white?" "Why don't you eat Chinese food?" "How come you don't speak Spanish?" )

It's not easier to raise an asian or latino infant. They end up facing the same issues that black/bi-racial children face when adopted by white parents

[sgtfirstwife]

I just wanted to chime in on this issue. We have a daughter adopted from Asia. When we were going through our homestudy something our social worker said really stuck with me. She told us that if anyone in our family had any kind of race issue that we would have to be willing to cut them off. No if, buts or maybes. Back then I did not think it would be an issue for me. Though I was raised in the south and some my family were pretty racist, most have passed away. Besides, we don't live near any of our family.

Well to make a long story short. My daughter is now 5. My mother loves her dearly and treats her likes she is a princess, but my MIL is another story. From the very beginning she has always introduced our daughter as the "adopted" child. Drove me nuts when she was a baby, so I said something about it to her. She stopped saying it. Still to this day you can tell she treats our daughter in a different matter than her other grand daughter. She gets gifts late, if at all. She is ignored when we go home. The only saving grace is we live quite a ways away from our family, so we see very little of her. Unfortunately, her and my mother live in the same small town. Now that my daughter is at an age where she can understand that she is being treated differently, it is time for me to have the talk with her. My husband does not seem to see the problem. I don't think he wants to confront his mom. Too bad, cause I am going to protect my babies!!!
Now we are in the process of adopting two more children. There is a good chance they will be african ameican, or biracial, latino or whatever, we could care less. I am sure unless I put my foot down this will continue. If it does then Grandma will be cut out of the picture once and for all. The moral to this story is simple. You have to stand up for you children. There is enough for them to face this world without having there own relatives treat them coldly.

Good Luck and I wish you well
Sgtfirstwife
Proud Army Wife
DD 5 adopted from Asia
In the process of adopting two more

[mamabee]

Sgtfirstwife---You are my hero!! I wish there were more people like you in this big old world. I feel the same way and I would do it in a heartbeat if anyone....ANYONE...tried to hurt/harm my son in any fashion.

[tobemoms]

Hi Folks~
Im new to this group because I will be fost/adopting a biracial or full AA child and your thread peaked my interest mostly because of how my family is viewing the potentially new addition to the family. My dad's response was "Youre not Angelina Jolie. Rich people can associate in circles where race isn't an issue and if they don't they can pay for the bubble to raise their family in." This stung. But I went to a support group for transracial adoption and interracial families and I left with the notion of "You don't have to agree but you have to respect me and if you or others don't then I will take the steps necessary to protect myself and my family." I don't live in a bubble therefore I will arm my children with the means necessary to grow up well-adjusted regardless.

[Casey677]

We adopted an AA/CC baby girl. We were worried about some family members accpeting her, but all it took is one look at her and everyone was smitten I would worry if your mom doesn't accept your baby once he/she is home.... but a little anxiety about it now is fairly normal. You have to make the decision to put your baby first though... no matter how hard it may be living/working closely with your mom.

[jaenelle]

Thank you for all the responses!