[Marie8888]

Hey,
We got a call early this morning for a baby boy born today in Texas. We ran around all day taking care of paperwork and when we getting ready to leave got a call that she changed her mind. She really wanted to place the baby for adoption but her family talked her out of it. Any chance she might change her mind? It doesn't sound like they are much of a support system for her or that they have a relationship at all. I know I shouldn't hope, but I keep thinking that maybe when they leave tonight she will think it over and decide to call our agency back. Or if not tonight when it is time to leave the hospital Monday morning if her family hasn't come through for her maybe she will change her mind then. Am I crazy to hope this? She didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 8 months along so there has to be some denial there. Does she really want to keep the baby or is it just presure and when it comes down to it she will change her mind again. My sister was in a semilar situation but she never went so far as to call an agency, my mom had to end up quiting her job and giving up her reterment and all her savings to be there for my sister, so if her parents are super supportive I don't see how it could work out.

[punchkin]

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know that i'll be praying for you and your family. SENDING YOU CYBER HUGS

[Marie8888]

Thank you for your kindness and have been appauled with how I have been responded to in other forums on this site when I posted the same message. I can't tell you how much your kindness means to me.

[traceyk]

That is EXACTLY what happened to us, same state too *LOL* She didn't change her mind back, but we got a call that following Monday (it happened on a Friday) to tell us there was a different baby girl born that same Friday and she was already TPR'd if we wanted to come get her. Needless to say we did and she is my beautiful baby girl now I found that it didn't affect me much since we didn't have time to get attached. But I hope it works out well for you too!

[jheald]

We had this happen to us twice. The first I was actually taking care of the baby and when her 72 hours was up to sign the papers she just couldn't do it. The second was closer to what you are enduring. The family pushed her to parent because "we will help." It happens and you just have to keep moving on waiting for that one special baby that will be yours. Hang in there! It's very hard to be on this roller-coaster.

Janet

[Marie8888]

Thanks for the sympothy and hope guys. Well I am doing so much better today. I know she isn't going to change her mind, well not at least in time for me to be a mom to that baby. I know it was only a few hours that we had a maybe son but I got attached, I am doing better now that I have some time to process it all. After all I made my posts Saturday after only a few hours of being told you are a mom oh wait never mind, and was crying uncontrollable the whole time. Thank you for understanding the grieving process and my frustration.
We are going to talk to our agency today. I would sure love a situation like , oh darn I can't remeber your name but you have the most beautiful little girl ever, where we got another placement quickly. We just stopped infertility treatments back in October so this whole adoption experinence has been pretty exciting, but hard. We have had some counceling and it has been over three years since our miscarriage but I don't think I was prepared for a failed placement, no matter how short the time.
Hopefully we will get another match soon. I know there aren't as many couples as open as we are with what we will accept, even with the couples who are doing African American adoptions. I figured that to be the case on family history and drug exposure but I had no idea so many people didn't want boys, but I got the distinct impression that we were one of the only couples who didn't care what sex our baby is who were looking to adopt fully african american infants at least with our agency. Is that normal, or is it just our agency or do you think I misunderstood the Adoption Professional I talked too?
Marie

[happygmom]

Dear Marie,

It is so good to hear from you and that you are doing a little better. Please keep us up to date on your progress.

More

Happy G'Ma

[traceyk]

I read the posts to you from the birthparent section. In a way they are right, it is not your child until the TPR is signed. I went in with this in my head to keep me from being hurt by a potential situation. But, you could always tell your agency you will only accept a child that has had the TPR signed. That was what we did and sure enough, the TPR was already signed when they called us that Monday. I have two bio daughters as well as 3 years of infertility with treatments and a MC. And in their defense, I could NEVER sign over any of my daughters. It is a very unselfish and courageous thing a birthmother does when they do that. I think you should focus on what comes next, not what happened. You can't change it and you are only beating yourself up over this which is healthy for you.

[Kindreds]

I don't think she will change her mind. I think any words of encouragement to this young mother by her family was all that she needed to give her the impetus to listen to her heart. I think it is so sad that this is how things are done in the good old USA. It must have been heartbreaking for you, I wish it wasn't done this way - hopes dashed in many instances, and sometimes young women relinquish when they really do not want to. I think a more humane way would be to hold off anything for at least 6 weeks to let the hormones calm down and thoughts can be more sensible. But I do know that agencies would like to have newborns available to waiting parents, just moments after birth so placements are pushed to happen very rapidly. It just does not seem very humane to me at all on both sides

[Marie8888]

I am doing much better, I think I just needed time to heal, I am ready to get back out there and try again. I only hope that next time I get a chance to get to know the birthmother, I really do want a relationship with her. For those of you who have successful adopted do you have any advice for how to relate to a birthmother, I know I can never understand what she is going through, just like people who haven't gone through infertility can never understand what it is like. But I don't want to hurt her during this difficult time for her, because I know how easy a well meaning commit can come out so bad.

Thanks,
Marie

[traceyk]

I wish I could help, but we never met b-mom and never will. The agency can't even find her. She didn't give any address and refuses to pick up our letters and pictures. But i am sure there are plenty of people who can help you! GOOD LUCK!!!

[joskids]

If I can just give you a bit of hope . . . if you hang in there and find a way to live with the emotional roller coaster (always in adoption), you will have a placement. It doesn't always work on OUR time frame but with your commitment and understanding of the needs of a birthmother (and, honestly, I don't think a birthmother ever truly WANTS to place her child for adoption), you will find a way to make adoption work for your child. And that's what it IS all about, always . . . the child. Best wishes. PM me any time. We have adopted our 4th child recently and have experienced many difficult days wanting to parent again (and again and again and again) but we have been blessed beyond words. I hope the same for you. Best wishes and big hugs!

Josie

[hotspice58]

Sending you hugs!!!

[rredhead]

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. You asked about why people didn't want boys. If you're not yet subscribed to Adoptive Families magazine, I highly recommend it. In their latest issue, they published the article: Daughters in Demand. It's a great story about how girls are placed more easily than boys.
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/table_of_contents.php

We have a beautiful baby boy, and were open to either sex. Next time, we'll want a girl to balance our family.

Either way, good luck and God bless!

-Robyn

[ethans mom]

just wanted to add my hug in....I was actually in another state for 3 weeks with a little baby boy and birth dad refused to sign ....long story ** ended up taking baby back...came home thought i would die...got up the next morning and something told me to try again I thought if I had had a miscarriage we would try again..needless to say w/i 6 days of coming home we were holding Ethan that was almost 5 yrs ago....

thing will work out

w/love

nani