[wannabamom]

Hi all,

I'm a hopeful adoptive parent and of late (last 2 weeks) I've been thru' so much stress- DH's project got over and he had to be out of town for a while, - Home visit was done- stress, stress, more stress, DH had interviews, my job is moving to another place in the same area, but we don't know when and my boss has been cranky (when not????)... well, anyways, I'm feeling very depressed and down because there's a big dilemma in front of me- DH says he wants to change countries, right now we're signed up for an International country, but DH wants to do domestic or another country (where there're no babies available from and the wait is more than 2 years...) DH is from there, but I'm so confused!!!!!!!! I can't take this stress anymore!!!!!!! [img]/images/smilies/wallmad.gif[/img][img]/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] Agreed that he feels close to his origin, and if we adopt a kid from another country (totally difft. race, etc... than both of us), there may be a lot more problems, well, I'm going through mixed, confused emotions. I've always wanted to be a MOM for so long now - 10+ years, and after so many years of IF Tx, (unexplained), we were so glad to adopt and I was so happy, until recently when we're going through so many changes!!!!!! Thanks for letting me vent, but I don't want to wait for 2 more years and get an older child (with DH's country choice), but I'm in conflict about adopting and doing justice to a child from difft. race???????? Am I alone in these feelings??? Please offer any suggestions or words - I'll be grateful!!!!!

Thanks for hearing me out,

[traceyk]

I posted in response to this on the General Boards but am reposting it here for you!

I am sorry you are feeling stressed. Dh,me and our two bio daughters are CC and our baby is full AA from a domestic adoption. I feel we are doing her a world of good being a part of this family, she is what makes us complete. We make sure we do include her culture into our family as well. I guess you might want to read up on raising a child from a different race/culture. The question I have though, is are you concerned about how/if you could do it, or are you concerned because you don't want to do it and you are only considering it for your DH? If you have concernes after talking to others and educating yourself more, I would say you should pass on it because raising a child from a different race/culture needs to have everyone on board. If you have questions I would be happy to help as would many others here on the board.

[megsveils]

Yes, it's scary adopting a child of a different race. Yes, you will have some issues helping the child understand why each of you are two different colors. But.... it is an awesome experience for you, your family, your friends, etc. to not see color as a scary thing anymore. A lot of neat experiences happen where you have will have the opportunity to help people not be so ignorant. You will have issues no matter what child you raise it's just that these issues will be a little different!
Meg

[wannabamom]

Hi,
Okay, here is the deal: Some people in my family and friends circle voiced their own concerns and I too felt a little scared. Their main concern is that while, we all tell our adopted children of their adoption, their culture, etc.... I spoke to a few adopted children who have now grown up, and they do want to go back to their roots...... Their country, their heritage, etc..... i.e. most of them... some don't but some do..... and I felt they were hurting because though they were accepted by their adoptive families, they still were not accepted by outside world. And I don't know whether I am strong enough to face a situation like this in the future???????? I don't have siblings, and not too many close family members, and if at any time, I have to be alone in the future, what if the adopted child leaves me because of it's original roots, heritage, etc........ I'm so confused........

[sneezyone]

Wannabe -

If you're not scared about becoming a mom, to any child, I'd be shocked. It's an increibly daunting thing. Adding a transracial element adds yet another layer of complexity but not one that can't be overcome. Yes, there are transracial and/or international adoptees who grow up to feel very angry at having been removed/isolated from their cultures of birth. There are also those that don't feel that way (for a variety of reasons). There are things that you can do to try to ensure that your child is not among them (I say try b/c no matter what we do our children will probably do/say/think what they want anyway). I think it takes an extra specially committed person to raise a child of another race or ethnicity to not only be proud of him/herself as an individual but also of their ethnic group. You're miles ahead of many in that your considering the long-term ramifications so early on in the process. Best wishes!!

http://www.nysccc.org/T-Rarts/T-Rarts.html is a great resource. The ask the experts feature also gives you access to some great minds.

Pact also has some great resources: http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/index.shtml

[celebratewewill]

while friends and family can be helpful, don't let them doubt your strength. i too had concerns about my ability to do a good job, not only as a mother, but to my child who would be adopted and probably from another race/culture. it is more work, and i was at times doubting myself. but i knew i would do anything for my child, and if it wasn't good enough, i'd just try harder, research more, pray harder. and learn from here as well as others. even one time here i felt i got shut down when i mentioned i was scared, but i didn't let that person's thoughts pervade my mind.

and our baby found us. we couldn't be more in love, and we couldn't care less that she looks different than we do (she was going to anyways!). i do live in the south and while that worries me some, we couldn't stand those moronic racists anyways--all the more reason to avoid them. and anyone who we feel is toxic to our family will not be part of our lives.

i think it's normal to question our limits, what we feel we can and can't do. and just b/c you are questioning, it does not mean you cannot do it. shoot, there are days where i wonder what i was thinking when i for years wanted to be a mom! doubts are normal, and allow you to look inside yourself.

good luck! and keep us posted on your journey.

[megsveils]

Don't let you family and friends make you doubt! My dh's parents told us all the reasons why we shouldn't adopt AA children. You know what? They love and accept them now and sometimes I wonder if they love their other grandchildren as much as ours! If you and your husband feel right about adopting a child from a different race, go for it!! You will be given the strength to do it, if it's what you feel is right.
Meg