[Wait4Spencer]

Any ideas on how to educate a family on transracial adoption? My brother-in-law has been saying some pretty ignorant things. I have one child from Guatemala and am planning on adopting a AA child. Also, any book ideas for family to open their minds a little?

[LisaCA]

I'm not so sure that books work for most folks when it comes to educating them about race issues -jmho. Usually you have to be open to thinking about things differently. What type of things has he been saying?

[Wait4Spencer]

Spencer was born in Guatemala. The transracial adoption course I attended informed me that most people will think he is Mexican. When I was with my brother-in-law in AZ this week, he made several deragatory remarks (typical stereotype stuff) about Mexicans. It was catching me off guard. Luckily, Spencer wasn't with me... I want to encourage growth within my relatives as my next child will be aa... I don't want to lose them, but I will not tolerate those types of remarks in my prescence or in my childs.

*His daughter was there. What is he teaching his own child??*

[LadyBugz]

Did you call him on it? Say that you won't tolerate him stereotyping a minority group, and, you feel obligated to point out, his nephew is a minority as well? That you have a vested interest in making sure he doesn't grow up hearing entire civilizations pigeonholed into some broad generalization? That your obligation is to your child and you will *not* continue to subject him to such talk?

Then you aren't arguing the actual point he made but the idea of him making it.

[joskimo]

you have to determine was is ignorant out of lack of exposure and what is just mean. If you beleive your brother-in-law to have the capacity to understand your decision and learn from you boundaries that are accepted, then I think you should just be honest and at least start with using proper terms and hope that he picks up on it and mirrors that back, if he's unable or unwilling to understand then you have to make a decision on how much exposure you want your child to have with that person.

My dh's parents are quite elderly - same age as my grandparents and when we told them about our impending adoption we had to educate them some. They are loving people who adopted 4 children outside their race, they were kind people and would never knowingly be hurtful - but we did have to tell them that they couldnt' use the terms negro or colored anymore. Now my sister-in-law is another story altogether. We have little to do with each other anyways. She's your basic substance abusing person who couldn't raise her own children so the rest of us did it for her with nothing but grief from her. When she found out about our adoption, she refered to our unborn baby as the n-word. Needless to say she's been cut from our lives.

[alwaysus]

I agree wholeheartedly with Jo. Even before we adopted Elijah, we allowed no biggoted hateful comments about other races/religons. I warned everyone in my family that we would have a ZERO tolerance policy when it came to ugly words or stereotypes.. I guess I never should have worried, they all adore him, but still, I won't allow it from anyone.
As a matter of fact, my sons best friend has been banned because of things he said. ( It was a mircle my son didn't deck him....) We explained ONCE that we didn't allow those things to be said, he pushed the envelope and he no longer is welcome in our home.
Good Luck.....

[mallory4]

Every family is different, and the kind of relationship you have with an individual person may determine how you approach the issue and how they respond. I found that my attempts to educate my family were treated as humorous, and not taken seriously, and I had to resort to threats.

In my family, race was not the issue, I had no fear that my family would say anything derogatory about black people to or in front of my kids, but I still had to deliver a stern warning to my family members, especially my mom, about the language they use about WEIGHT!

Like many women of her generation, my mom basically starved herself on crazy diets for most of my life and chatted away at me continuously about weight --my weight, her weight, other people's weight-- the whole time I was growing up. I was not remotely fat, and there was no reason for the constant pressure other than her own insecurities.

All through my college years, I argued and tried to educate her and others in my family and they just would not stop the self-loathing or judging of others. There was NO way I was going to have her subject my kids to the same critical tirade.

So, I told her, my siblings, and my inlaws that the first time they mentioned my child's size, shape, or weight would be the last time they saw my child. Apparently, they took me seriously because it was at least ten years before my mom said "I know I am not supposed to talk about weight, but..." and said something to me about my kids' weight. My kids were not in the room, and what she was saying was not a criticism, so I let her go with a warning.

So, if educating them fails, I say draw that line in the sand--you may be surprised how well it works, and if it doesn't, at least you know where you stand with that person.

[alwaysus]

Mallory,
BOY can I relate. My husbands family is horrible when it comes to weight. I have NEVER been small and I never will be and hubbys family pointed it out at every turn. ( but never in front of DH) One day at a birthday party, IN MY home, my husbands grandmother made a horrible comment about my weight. ( I am a size 16 jeans, not that it matters...)My husband heard it and kicked everyone out. He told them they had been warned multiple times and he was sick of the abuse. He told them they couldn't come back until they learned how to be nice. I received an apology letter and things were good for awhile, until one day my husbands grandmother asked my(then) 10 year old son "Jordan, are you getting FAT?" That was it, I told her she was rude and I told her to go home. Extreme, maybe, but I remember as a child crying many nights because of mean comments and I won't allow my kids to go through that.( And for the record, Jordan was a perfectly normal healthy weight, so I have NO clue why she felt the need to say it in the first place) Everyone now KNOWS not to mention weight, ANYONES weight around us, because quite frankly, it is no ones business.

[alwaysus]

We fired our pine straw guy because he said "your kids are home schooled? Good that keeps them away from(aaarrgghh) colored people" We axed him right there and then and told him why.

[LisaCA]

ugh. we have this problem around my inlaws (I've spoken of them often, lol). I've put my foot down about what fil is allowed to say in front of dd. Amazing what his other son lets him say in front of his son, but I guess that's his problem. anyway, I call him on it when he says ignorant stuff and will continue to. Horrible to say but fil is in his late 70s and can't last forever. Of course he'll be around to do some damage I suspect. He likes to put people down about any number of things including weight, gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. I won't have that in my house and i call him on it in his house (not that we'll be there much in the future).

you can try and educate, but then again, once your child is old enough to understand, the damage is done. I think they learn something from you when you stand up to folks and say "that comment is the most ignorant thing I've heard all week". They learn to stand up to people rather than go along to not make waves.

I know folks in the border areas feel it's their god-given right to make comments about mexicans (ironic given these lands were once mexico's). I grew up in San diego and live now in Los angeles. we have the same ignorant comments here, by people who just lump all latinos into one category "mexicans". What you don't want is your brotherinlaw making an "exception" out of your child. that stinks too. If he can't change, then limit the exposure, pointing out why. maybe once he has a name and face to the pain he's causing he might change. maybe having your spouse do the confronting might make it go down easier?