[BethanyB]

I am the proud Mommy of a four month old fost/adopt AA boy. (He may be biracial due to his blue eyes and very light skin.) I love him SO much and was open to any race or gender. I have always dated whoever I wanted to and race never mattered to me. I have always been sensitive to racial comments from the people around me but now I seem to be hyper sensitive to it and I don't quite know if it's just me or not. But so many things bother me now. The biggest thing that hurts me is when I hear of people who say they are open to any race except AA. I have heard this a LOT and I can't for the life of me understand why. The other day at school (I'm a teacher) a fellow teacher and friend was telling me about a friend of hers who is facing infertility issues. They want to try IVF but if they do it and don't get pregnant - they won't be able to afford adoption. They want to adopt from China because they are afraid in the US that a law would come into effect where a birthparent could get their child back after a year or more. (Those crazy TV movies). I told her that each state has their own time limits but after that there is no legal recourse. I then was trying to be helpful but telling her about me story. Knowing that DYFS fost/adopt is risky I told her that there are many AA children out there who need homes and due to the overwhelming need for families sometimes the cost is lower. She then told me that her friend was not comfortable with Black people's culture. (What does that mean?) I'm not going to lie. I was angry! I then acted like a total child and said, "Yeah, most people aren't because we live in a racist society!" She said, "Actually, my friend is the most open minded person I know." Whatever! She had told me prior to this that her friend had looked into Russia and Guatamala but China was the least expensive, so I know they would take any race BUT AA. If you are going to adopt cross culturally, why not be open to AA? It's like saying my son is less than an asian, or hispanic child. It's like they wouldn't want MY son. I don't get it. Am I being too sensitive or am I just in my outrage? And how do I control my anger to this issue???? Help!!!

BTW- I totally understand if someone is of one race and wants to adopt a child of that race. But when people say they will accept anything BUT an AA child I get so hurt and angry.

[roxanna425]

I see lots of people look at the post but no one has replied.

I think White parents are suprised when people are racist and this is one of the things that people who are against transracial adoptions often speak of....the fact that if you grew up AA or AI (American Indian) you KNOW people are racist. There's no epiphany. This is how the world is and this is the world you have to raise your children to function in. As a person of color - feeling devalued, hearing unintentinally racist comments, that's a part of every day life and by the time you are an adult you just deal with it.

I am sure you will be a good mom. I am not knocking you. I just wanted to mention it.

[BethanyB]

I have never been unsure about being able to raise a child who is not of my own race, and have always known that racism is out there. I live in a very diverse area and have grown up with AA, Hispanic and Asian cousins. I have taught in an all black elementary school and have dated people outside my race. So I have always been super sensitive and know racist comments when I hear them, and know that racists are out there. I believe that all children need a loving home nomatter what the race of the person adopting them, and I know my children will have black neighbors, friends, family members and classmates. I feel secure that my child will grow up feeling that they know who they are.

What I am wondering is, am I being too harsh on people? Do these people have racist thoughts or is it just me making it into that? Again, I understand if people have a preference to adopt a child of the same race as themselves or if they have a preference to adopt from Asia for a certain reason. But when I hear people say they are willing to accept anything but AA that gets under my skin. And when people say it to me knowing that my child is AA? I just don't get it. But like the situation with my friend at work...Now I'm angry at her. Should I be? Am I being overly sensitive and overthinking things? I also don't want to offend anyone on this site, which is why I posted on the transracial page and thought someone may be able to relate. Just my feelings.

[Cobb]

Originally posted by BethanyB
She then told me that her friend was not comfortable with Black people's culture.

This statement sounds pretty racist to me. Not only is she lumping people together, but she's also giving it a negative slant. It's an us vs. them mentality with the implication that the them is somehow inferior to... I may also be too sensitive, but saying she's uncomfortable with a culture, leads me to think she somehow doesn't think it's "normal". If she thought it was she'd be comfortable with it. It seems to demonstrate that she has no personal experience with AA families and is viewing them from an "outside", prejudiced perspective. She is totally disregarding the diversity withing the AA community. IMHO

Can't really answer the question about aparents willingness to adopt anything but AA. I haven't come across this myself.

[BethanyB]

Thanks for the response. I feel the same way as you. I guess I just have to respond to these comments in an honest way from my perspective and just hope that I can make people see things in a different light. I have come into contact with many people who are interested in adoption and want to know more about the route that I'm taking. Then I mention that there are many AA children that need homes through the state of NJ and that is when I hear that they don't feel comfortable with adopting an AA child. But that they are open to hispanic, asian, biracial but not full AA. I actually had a woman tell me her story when I was looking into adoption and she told me she was open to anything but AA. She had a Hispanic child. I was shocked! She had no idea that I was in the AA adoption program. So it is something I have come into contact with a lot. I guess I just have to go with my gut and say what I need to say in those situations.

[Cobb]

Do you think it could be because they are afraid they won't be ale to meet an AA child's needs? That they feel it is easier to expose a asian, hispanic, etc. child to their culture than an AA child? I really find this hard to understand. I would just out and ask them why. At least then you might have an opportunity to educate.

I have a friend who is in the adoptive process now. Their caseworker asked them about race during the homestudy. They had no preference. Since they live in a small, not very diverse community, she asked how they would handle exposing an AA child to their culture, if they were given that opportunity. Her response, "We'll move". (While they moved to the town for her husbands job, they would have the ability to transfer, etc.)

[Dianna]

We do live in a racist society, I agree. And when a person is of the minority, it is clear that we do. There are probably a lot of people who do not choose to adopt AA but would adopt other races. Are you going to choose to feel angry at all of them? You have chosen this path, if someone else does not, is that a bad thing? If they know they don't want to or can't, then it is their loss. Rather than taking it as an insult, maybe you could see if you can educate them a bit.

Many people have different reasons for limiting their choices. We live in a rural area with limited diversity. Not everyone lives in the city with all races together. So you see things from your own perspective. In order to reach out to others, you need to try and see things from their perspective. Best wishes.

[bubelah]

It is a shame that a child should be deprived of a warm loving home based on skin color..

Bigotry hate and intolerance are not genetic, they are taught behaviours.

[BethanyB]

Dianna, I always try to see things from others perspectives, which is why I started this thread. I'm trying to put myself in other peoples shoes to try to decipher (sp?) if people are being ignorant or not. I understand if a white couple is in a rural area with no diversity and does not want to adopt an AA child. But then why would they adopt an Asian or Hispanic child? Isn't that the same thing? We should only expose children to their culture when they are black? Should we not expose Asian children to a place that has a large Asian community? Should we not expose Hispanic children to a town that has a large Hispanic community? This reasoning only seems to apply to black children. Which makes me very sad.

What's right for me is certainly not right for everyone. I think it's wonderful when people can adopt a child of any race and give that child a wonderful home. But when you say to a mother of an AA child that you are willing to adopt any race except for that one...that to me is hurtful and ignorant. But do I let comments like that roll off my back or do I say something about it? That is the question....Hmmm?

[Cobb]

I think saying something really depends on the person you're talking to. You kinda get a feeling for those who will listen...

I'm sorry to say that trying to get some people to understand your perspective could be an excercise in futility. So, whether you try to educate is dependent on if it's worth it to you. Sometimes it will only serve to upset you more.

[Kelli]

Originally posted by BethanyB
I understand if a white couple is in a rural area with no diversity and does not want to adopt an AA child. But then why would they adopt an Asian or Hispanic child? Isn't that the same thing? We should only expose children to their culture when they are black? Should we not expose Asian children to a place that has a large Asian community? Should we not expose Hispanic children to a town that has a large Hispanic community? This reasoning only seems to apply to black children.

BethanyB, this does seem to only apply to black children, and I know I've expressed my distate for this not-so-hidden-type of bigotry here before. IMO, your reasoning above clearly exposes the hypocrisy in this type of thinking. The funny thing is that I don't think it's really that uncommon, and is actually imbedded deep in the hearts of many self proclaimed "decent & open" people. For example, we were only interested in using a Christian adoption agency and we visited one where a couple was there to talk to the group of prospective aparents about their experience adopting from China. They had just returned with their beautiful baby girl. Well, they flat out told us that they were afraid that the wait for a white baby would take forever, so they decided to adopt from China instead because the kids were "so smart and well behaved." My dh and I were the only AA couple in the group, and while our eyes and face must have clearly shown our distate for their comments, the rest of the group was smiling and shaking their heads in agreement. These were people we were joined in hands and in prayer moments before. I don't think it even occurred to anybody that it was a stereotypical statement to make about Chinese people, and they were pretty much calling every other race (other then white) "less intelligent" and "unruly."

Anyway, I've heard and have read (yes, even in this forum) these types of so-called "totally innocent" yet ignorant kinds of statements, and I've read between the lines on many more of them. From where I sit, "race" and "open" are some of the driving factors behind many international adoptions, as well. I don't think you're being extra sensitive, you're just seeing life from a different perspective now, and it isn't always pretty!!

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[Kelli]

Ugh. . . . my typing is so horrible and I did it twice!! The word should be "distaste."

[spaypets]

The National Association of Black Social Workers stated a long time ago that allowing the adoption of AA children into caucasian homes was cultural genocide.

To my knowledge, they have never withdrawn that stand.

So my concern about adopting an AA child would primarily be about hostility from the AA community, not necessarily about the white community. That is not to say that I would have dismissed the option--as it happened we preferred the more predictable timelines of international adoption.

Though I agree, racist people have a hierarchy of acceptable "other than white."

I know it sounds like a cop out, but really, parents do have to consider how there extended family will react to the child. While a couple might be delighted to embrace a child of African descent, they are not doing their child any favors if the extended family is made up of bigots and is hostile to the adoption.

[Kelli]

spaypets, since we're both such enlightened people , I'm also aware of the report the NABSW put out, (back in the early 1970's) but for some reason I don't think most people really follow that kind of stuff, and their reasons for not considering AA adoptions were formulated without even knowing about this or taking it into account. I know you didn't say it was, but the report is not speaking for the feelings of all (and I will guess the majority) of the AA community. I think most of us just go about our business and let others live their lives. Personally, I much rather see a child in the arms of ANY loving family, rather then languishing out there waiting for a family, regardless of what this report says. I personally believe the whole "cultural genocide" was a little extreme and not very realistic. It's not reflective of the times. I think the majority of AA children are still with AA parents, and IMO, I don't think in the big scheme of things that a few (hundred, thousand, or whatever the numbers are) transracial adoptions are going to wipe us out. JMHO.

I do agree that people need to consider how their extended family will react, especially if there is bigotry or hostility . . .consider the fact that ANY child that is brought into the home will now be surrounded by people displaying these types of prejudices and speaking racial innuendos or hostility. And so the cycle continues . . .

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[BethanyB]

I would agree that people have to take into account their families reactions to bringing a child of another race into the family, however it doesn't SEEM to be the problem when bringing in an Asian or Hispanic child. And I would hope that no one would ever allow any child to be in a hostile environment no matter what the issue. I must say though, that if my family were bigots, I would still have taken my son and ditched the family. I love my family more than anything but hate bigotry even more!

And I guess I don't see how white people adopting black children would be "cultural genocide." Children growing up today seem to be so integrated with social issues such as music, and clothing fads. My nephew has many black friends from black homes and they dress and act totally the same. Race isn't an issue for them. Kids are friends with people of other races, they date people from other races. I have a lot of hope for the future, and just wish us grown ups could be as accepting.