[LeighM]

Maybe my feelings are normal or maybe I am just a horrible person. We adopted a little girl that we have had since she was a newborn she is now 2 1/2. I wonder sometimes if we did the right thing. She is bi-racial and I wonder if I will be able to provide her with everything she needs.Does anyone else question themselves when it comes to a transracial adoption?

I know I am a good mom with my bs but I am so affraid that when our ad grows up she will tell me we messed up her life. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel the same way if she was the same races as us. I don't know.

[spaypets]

First, you're not a horrible person if you love your daughter and are raising her to be a contributing member of society. But you are a transracial family and that means doing things differently that if you were all white.

So, what are you doing to be a transracial family? What color are her dolls, what color are your friends, what magazines do you have, what do the pictures on the walls look like? Do you go to an integrated church? Do you see minority professionals like doctors? How do the people around you talk about race? How integrated is her school. Are you reading about transracial adoption?

You're still a young family so you have loads of time to get the hang of this. Don't beat yourself up. You're asking the questions and that's half the battle right there.

[davinok]

Hi,
My daughter is the same age as yours, we (parents) are both cc and she is aa. I think spaypets had some great questions to get your thinking started. Can I ask, has anything specific happened recently that has stirred up these concerns for you?
K

[K1972]

LeighM -

I beleive that I am a transracial adoptee - but I definitely didn't fit in to the society that I grew up in.

I would suggest that your daughter know her cultures and celebrate them with you. I never had that and now at 32 am struggling for my identity. I would have been much better off in schools that were multiculteral. I am faithful and don't want to slam Catholic schools, but unless there's a good mix of cultures in it - it is very difficult.

Make sure you ask her when she's in her teens how she feels and make sure she knows that she can tell you and that it won't hurt your feelings. That's what kept me from ever telling the truth. She might feel that she has to please you to stay accepted in the family.

I'm sure you'll all have a great life together, but don't leave her identity out of it. She needs to know who she is to feel complete.

Thanks for asking. I feel that things can change and children can grow up confident and secure if they know who they are and are proud of it.

All my best,

Katy

[LeighM]

Thank you for your replies.

To answer your questions we live in a diverse community. Although our children attend Catholic school is is very diverse in regards to ethnic backgrounds. And the church we attend is probably only 1/4 -1/3 white. The remainder of our community is hispanic and african american.

We also buy are daughter dolls that are a variety of colors. And books that represent her ethnic backgrounds. I forgot to say in my earlier post that she is cauc/na/aa. We diffenatly have a variety of items around the house.

davinok - to answer your question. I guess you could say yes. Over the weekend I had a couple encounters that got under my skin. We went to dinner the other night and we had all 4 kids with us (two bs, our daughter and then our fs (who is AA/Hisp) and the woman at the table made the comment that our two little ones should be with their own kind. Now I will tell you I was not at the table when she made the commit. My husband told me after we left the parking lot. Then the next day I went to the Beauty supply house to get some items. I asked the worker there if there is anything I needed to be putting on my fs hair. Well she gave me all sort of grief. I have to be honest I was so stund at her comments I did not know what to say. In fact another customer who happend to be AA came over and basically put the worker in her place.

At times I think I have heard it all and can deal with anything the comes my way. But then there are times when I think did we do what was best for her. I need to ignore peoples comments. She is a happy happy little girl and we just adores her.

[K1972]

LeighM -

She's happy and that's what matters. You are doing everything you can to make her feel welcome in her world. That and your love are all that she really needs. There will always be ignorant people out there - and if they're not ignored, they'll drive you crazy.

Good luck and God Bless,

Katy

[2bouncingboys]

I wasn't adopted but I'm bi-racial and was brought up by my mother who is caucasian, it was honestly never an issue for me and even though I expeirienced a little racism from kids at school I knew that they were just missinformed and misguided people.

My husband is caucasian, I am caucasian and afro carribean, my eldest son (who is not my husbands biologically) is Indian, afro carribean and caucasian and my youngest son is caucasian and afro carribean, my youngest has light skin light blue/grey eyes and blonde hair (nobody would even think he had any afro carribean in him), my eldest is dark skinned with big brown eyes and dark hair (although he does have red in his hair), I have dark hair, dark eyes and somewhat dark skin. My husband and I love the fact that we are such a mixed family and we really hope our attitude rubs off on our kids.

I'm sure you're a great mum LeighM, please don't let this worry you too much. There is honestly a good chance that it may never bother her.

[Momoffive1966]

LeighM,

Wow aren't people strange? My husband and I are CC and we have two B children and one AA 3 1/2 year old. People have said things to me that have floored me. One lady asked me when I was shopping in Target with my AA baby and two HS Foster Children "Do they all have different Daddy's?" I said yes and she piped in......"Where are they?" I have kind of a naughty side and I said...I have no idea where their daddy's are...then I zoomed down the isle.
We got Makenna when she was 11 months old. We adopted her this past July. I asked myself all the questions you asked. Is it fair? I have decided that what happened to my baby before she came to me was unfair!!!!!! I have never regretted the decision. But we have to face the fact that we now stand out in a crowd. I can never go to the mall without at least one person doing the double take from the stroller to me to my husband and back to the stroller...I used to think people were mean but now I realize they are just ignorant. I used to get really angry but now I just smile and try to be nice. I have found that in general most people receive us very well and are interested in our story... I find it a good time to educate people.....
Prejudice runs deep in our society. We are in the process of adopting two more AA children and we are faced with a Bio Grandparent that has indoctrinated our new kids with the fact that all white people want black people for slaves....what can you do but pray and ask God to make you brave enough to face ignorance and compasionate enough to take the time to correct bad thinking and patient enough to hold your tounge when you know your words wouldn't make a difference.
I am so happy to have found this Forum...it is such a releif to know there are others like us who feel like us and experience the same things we do...
My advice...put your face into the wind, hold your babies close and NEVER second guess yourself, you gave a home to a baby who needed a Mommy and a Daddy and at 3 in the morning when you walk the floor with our AA children (like all Mom's) it doesn't matter if she is Purple or Blue or Red or Black or White.....

Jillian

[LoveRiddenDad]

"...the woman at the table made the comment that our two little ones should be with their own kind..."

People like this are just ill-educated (and why things like genocide happen). Hitler wasn't a bad man because he hated the WRONG GROUP, but because it's wrong to hate ANY GROUP because groups are social contructs; only individuals exist. Yes, it's important to explore your child's culture, but you can do this. You can't know what it means to be black in America, but you can set your child on a path to being proud of being AA in spite of racism.