[sheree72]

My husband and I are the parents of a beautiful 5 year old daughter. Recently we have started homestudy to adopt a child throught the state. Our social worker let us know a a 2 year old and 8 month old whos parental rights have been terminated looking for a home. We are very excited but concerned if getting 2 children at once would be unfair for a 5 year old whos has been the only child for 5 years. We realize one child would be an ujustment , but would it be unfair to recieve two little ones at once. Any opionions would be great we would want the to be a happy transition for all of us...

[Yocheved]

There is no right answer to your question. Only you can answer it. What if you were to have birth twins, would it be fair to the 5 year old? The real question is can you handel 2 more children and still have time and attention for your 5 year old. I'm sure as an adoptive parent you have the room in your heart for 100 kids. I know I do. So if it won't be a financial strain, and you have the energy for 3 little ones, go for it. Your life will be so much fuller and the children will have a forever home.
Good luck

[sienna]

I agree with Yocheved. Additionally, I think it comes down to how you approach the situation with your 5 year old. If you do adopt two "little ones" and find that you are ignoring your 5 year old, then there may be a problem. You need to find a balance.

My friend is having a baby next month. She has a 2 year old son. She has already told all of her friends that after her baby is born, all friends must acknowledge her 2 year old before gawking over her baby. She would like us to spend about five minutes with her 2 year old before spending time with her baby. You may want to do something like this with your daughter, being careful to not completely exclude the 2 year old.

Also, what living arrangements would you have? If the two new "little ones" are going to have their own rooms, ask your daughter to help decorate them before they arrive. Have your daughter also buy two special toys (age appropriate) for the "little ones." Then let your daughter pick a special toy for herself or you buy her one.

Read books to your daughter about adoption. Have your her draw pictures summarizing the stories. Ask her how she feels about the stories. The idea really is to include your daughter in as much of the process as you possibly can so that she feels she was part of the decision to adopt.

Maybe you and your daughter could put together a scrap book. She could draw pictures, glue on pieces, and put on stickers. Let her know that the scrap book is going to be filled with a lot of photos of the family. This is another opportune time to discuss what she thinks your new family will look like and for you, what your new family will REALLY look like.

I think the most difficult part would be sharing toys. You know the saying, "Terrible Twos" and you will have a 2 year old arriving. You will have to establish rules and prepare your daughter for the differences in ages. Let her know that being 5 years old is really special because she can help (if she chooses) to be a terrific big sister. Let her know that may mean showing patience and discuss issues that are sure to occur before your two other "little ones" arrive, such as a 2 year old not wanting to share or wanting to play with her toys. You and your daughter can discuss senarious (through drawing, using play-dough, writing sentences or whatever your daughter is most interested in doing) fit for her age and the adoption situation.

You and your daughter could even write letters, paint or draw pictures, make t-shirts for the new "little ones." Making t-shirts is often really fun! You could get special paints and each put a hand print on the t-shirts. Write "Big sister" on one or "We love you" on all of them. You and your daughter could decide what to put on them. If you prefer, after the "little ones" arrives, you could use this as an activity to do together. You could each make your own shirts.

Buy you daughter a doll. Maybe that could be the new toy that you pick out for her when you go shopping for toys for the two new members of your family. Show her how to change the doll's diapers. She may want to help you and play mommy. A lot of children her age do love to play house. She may eventually want to help you change the 8 month old babies diapers down the road.

Above all, make sure your daughter knows how much you truly love her. Let her know that adopting is not a replacement for her. If you do decide to adopt the "little ones," praise your daughter when she helps you, even if she does not help really well. For example, if she helps you to diaper the baby but she diapers the baby too loosely, praise her anyway. If she shares say, "(Name), I like how you share with your brother. You are an awsome sister!"

And, during those times that your daughter is not so nice to the rest of the family, just hug her and tell her how much you love her. I'm sure if you truly want to adopt these new members into your family, you can make it work! There is so much love to give and so many smiles to be seen. There will also be many tears shed. Establish rules that are appropriate to each child and situation. Remember that many children who are adopted have attachment disorder. You should read up on attachment disorder if you have never heard of it.

Anyway, much luck to you and your family!

Sienna