[carebeargirl]

Hi All!

I know that this is a possible anger-causing issue... but I really need some level-headed advice. So, if you're prepared to keep your cork intact...

I'm a teacher and there is a foster child, K, at our school with whom I've made a real connection. K is a AA/CC male. I've always known I wanted to adopt, and that adopting from other races isn't an issue with me or DH. However, my dad will most probably have a big problem with it.

Firstly, I love my dad. He has faults, but who among us doesn't? His major fault, IMHO, is his racist views of AA. I am torn between honoring my parents and taking care of an orphan - from the Bible on how to be a good person, basically. My parents are Christian, where I got my views, but my dad also went through the experience of being shot at during the race riots & many other things that instilled this wrongness into his psyche. I'm not excusing his views, just explaining. So, I got the Christian views, saw they were in conflict with the racist views, and chose my side.

So, DH and I were planning to adopt within our race unless my dad passed away. (I know. Terrible.) However, with real-life K entering the picture, I find myself in the place of needing to talk to my father about the reality.

Wow. That was a lot of background to ask for your stories of your similar experiences, how you dealt with them, and how they are going.

Thanks for your patience. If you hate my dad, please know that I understand your POV, but don't need negativity. I didn't bring this up for my dad to get bashed. I really need help.

Thanks,
carebeargirl

[Linny]

You're not the first person to ask this type of question where family members might not welcome the action.

These are my only suggestions based on our own experiences. Two of my (adopted as infants, now grown) children are Asian. The last three are AA and still at home.
We felt before adopting, that whether family members accepted our babies or not, we were going to be 'our family'. If 'our family'--after adopting transracially---meant leaving any of those family members out of our lives, so be it.
Understand too, that once you adopt transracially, you are forever a 'non-caucasian' family. Your eyes may be opened to experiences and situations you'd never noticed before; people may stare; people will undoubtedly make assumptions about you before even knowing you (good and/or bad). These are all parts of what being a transracial family means.

If you aren't prepared to abandon any family or friends because of their racist attitudes, then I think you should seriously re-consider adopting in this way. You won't be the first couple to do this, and certainly not the last.
In the end, I believe your first priority in this matter must be to your child/ren. Any other family members beyond your dh and children are secondary. Your children will need your support and understanding to bring them up as best you can to be fine adults. You and your dh will have to serve as their fortress in times of distress.
If you aren't willing to throw aside any individuals who might be in the way of this, then re-consider and adopt children who might be a better match.
I don't mean to sound harsh here; but have seen this in other people who've gone through the same considerations. Good luck to you.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[shortlittlemama]

We were very unsure about our family situation going into our adoption. We knew what we were going to do, but my parents were both very open about their negative feelings. My mother went so far as to make a zebra baby comment at a big family dinner that just about sent me packing. The good news is, that I really wasn't raised to think that way by them, and somehow I just knew it wouldn't be a problem once they actually held any baby. Our little man has been loved from day 1 by both, and neither could imagine life without him now! Sometimes you have to look past way people say and see what's really in their hearts. With that said, I also agree with Linny. You have to be prepared for the worst- and if you can't do that, then it may not be the best choice for you and your future family.

[kimmom]

My bio daughter is 1/2 Mex and I am CC. My once racist dad will not even listen to a Mexican joke now. He lets everyone know that he has a Mex grand daughter and he will not hear that racism. He even corrected a "good Christian" church leader last month who was excluding Mexican workers from eating at a dinner held for the men helping to build the church. So as you will hear so often grandpas change their views when the racial makeup of the family changes. But I have to agree you need to be able to say "Dad this is my son now. I love him like you love me and just the same way you wouldnt allow anyone to disrespect me I cant allow you to disrespect my son. I want you to be there for us, but if you cant then we will have to exclude you from our family activities. I am going to leave it up to you." And if he chooses to be excluded then you need to be able to accept that. I really think that because he has the Christian beliefs he has that you wont have a huge problem with him accepting your new son, but if he does can you handle it?

[bajj]

When we were trying to adopt the 2nd time, we were told about a possible little girl who was aa/cc. We called our parents. I knew my parents would be supportive, as I was raised in a transracial family (a mix of bio and adopted kids). What shocked us, and especially my dh, was his dad's response. His dad said, "I have never met a decent black person, but you do what you need to do and I won't stand in your way!"

Well, that did not turn out to be a match. However, my youngest son is aa/hispanic. At first, dh's dad didn't want anything to do with him and he kept telling people he couldn't believe he had a black grandchild. Well, ds is VERY outgoing and VERY friendly. He absolutely LOVES elderly people and is the ONLY grandchild who wasn't afraid of FIL at first. He just ran up to him and jumped in his lap. He won him over, and he loves and adores him. At first, it was rough. We do live 14 hours away, so we don't see them often. However, when he would come down he would bring presents for my oldest (who is hispanic) and not my youngest. I finally told him that since both boys are old enough to realize that now, he is no longer allowed to do that. I mean, if it's birthday, that's one thing, but just giving to one and not the other?

This last trip he even gave my youngest ds one of his precious nascar cars...one that technically isn't a toy, but he opened it and gave it to him!

So, it doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does.

I agree with Linny. If it comes down to having to choose, if you can't lose your Father, then you don't need to adopt transracially.

Maybe a heart to heart with your Dad would help?

You're in my prayers!

[joskids]

Yet again, I completely agree with Linny. A child should be CELEBRATED, not just "tolerated" in a family. If you are willing to let your relationship with your father go by the wayside in order for you to give your black child a strong sense of self-esteem, then that's what you might have to do. Consider that your child will sense the negativity and it will impact their life. Because I'm CC and DH is AA, our very integrated families work well together and are very accepting. I feel for those that arent. I wouldn't want to have to make that decision but I would if I had to. Any family or friend who could not accept a decision I had made, would not be accepting and RESPECTING me. I can't imagine allowing anyone in my life who feels this way. As a matter of fact, I've gladly let friends go by the wayside who didn't "appreciate my lifestyle."

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by kimmom

But I have to agree you need to be able to say "Dad this is my son now. I love him like you love me and just the same way you wouldnt allow anyone to disrespect me I cant allow you to disrespect my son. I want you to be there for us, but if you cant then we will have to exclude you from our family activities. I am going to leave it up to you."

This is a beautiful way of laying it on the line! Great words!

[enerad]

[ Understand too, that once you adopt transracially, you are forever a 'non-caucasian' family. Your eyes may be opened to experiences and situations you'd never noticed before; people may stare; people will undoubtedly make assumptions about you before even knowing you (good and/or bad). These are all parts of what being a transracial family means.

If you aren't prepared to abandon any family or friends because of their racist attitudes, then I think you should seriously re-consider adopting in this way. You won't be the first couple to do this, and certainly not the last.
If you aren't willing to throw aside any individuals who might be in the way of this, then re-consider and adopt children who might be a better match.


These are such true words. As a Transracial Family you are in public eye ALL THE TIME. We've had our twins for 2 1/2 years and not a week goes by that someone is talking to us. When we made our decision to become a transracial family we lived far away from our own families where we had had some comments made... i.e. "your not adopting a foreign child?", and lived in an area which was much more diverse. For economic reasons and to give my parents a chance to be grandparents, we've moved to a location which is diverse, but doesn't have the same attitudes about diversity. I notice such a difference... my daughters where oooed, and awwah, and now along comes..."Where are they from?" often giving a feel that they don't "belong." Our diveristy has brought up adoption and in front of the girls, came comments..."How can someone give up such beautiful babies?" When you "match" these will be much less in your life.

We learned very early in the adoption process that it is OKAY to click the boxes for a CC child only. You do what's best for your family. It the gparent is going to be around all the time you do have to think about it. We face with my in-laws a definate (never overt) a prejudice towards the bio grandchildren. A picture of all the boys in the family (all bio gchildren are boys), my girls given junky gifts, while the boys are given toys. Despite the words... there cute, etc... we just observed my in-law traveling to see the newest grandbaby, and we live 1 1/2 hours away, and they say it's too much traffic, etc...

So... we are distancing ourselves each month, yet I see it in my husbands eyes. He wants his parents (in their late 70's/early 80's) to have the joy he has with his daughters and excitement they show for the other grandchildren to exist as well. There is just a bit of sadness and I know it will always be there.

So... think careful.

darene

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by enerad

comments..."How can someone give up such beautiful babies?"

I heard that, too-when Maire-Kate was a baby. Do people honestly believe that birthparents only make adoption plans for infants they find unattractive?
I was floored.

[Linny]

You know, that comment is sooo weird, isn't it?!?!?! I usually say this in response to that one:

"I don't know all of the reasons, but I'm sure glad she did!"

That may sound a bit harsh I suppose, but addressing the 'beautiful baby thing' doesn't work either.....I've tried it! :-0

Sincerely,

Linny

[sdiedre]

Here are some strange observations for you.....I have found that my parents are color-blind, but can be culture biased.....in other words, if you ACT white, then everythings ok. Sooo - the color of my 'kids' wouldn't matter, but how they 'acted' would! :/

My grandfather, when hearing of my decision to foster and foster/adopt, asked my mother 'what color is she gonna get' ( he knows me well). I told her the next time he asked, tell him green.

Funny thing is, EVERYONE loves the kids....no matter what color they are (though my mother still finds my slathering of my aa kids with vaseline, lotion, oil, etc a bit off-putting )

I tend to not notice other's reactions when I am out and about (something I will need to become more aware of as the kids will certainly notice) and since I am WHITE (refering to my extra-pale skin tone) I am sure we get a lot of looks. However, I find my blissful ignorance to be helpful in stopping comments. When someone asks about the kids, I give them a big gleeful smile and say "yep! They're mine" and find that they just give me a confused look but stop there.

Talk to your dad - maybe helping him to understand that they will be 'your' kids will help? You should have seen my mother playing with my fs in the pool she bought him. They were both having so much fun - a child's glee transcends a lot, I find.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by sdiedre

My grandfather, when hearing of my decision to foster and foster/adopt, asked my mother 'what color is she gonna get' ( he knows me well). I told her the next time he asked, tell him green.
.

My father wasn't the most tolerant man before I adopted Maire-Kate. After Maire-Kate's adoption, though, he changed a lot. However, he started calling African Americans "colored". He wasn't being mean-he actually believed he was saying the right thing. So if he was telling me a story and mentioned a "colored man", I would say "Well, what color was he?". That kind of got the point across and he said "What should I say?" and told him "black" would be fine.

[enerad]

I've been off the page for a bit, but enjoyed reading the conversation.

We have found we have to educate our parents, family, friends, etc... all the time. Example was the day my mother said, "Boy, they are little Blackie's... my girls have very pitch black eyes, and hair." Or the use of "Monkey" can be a unkind remark. Or when my mother-in-law sang "Jesus Loves Me" to refer to skin color didn't matter... and I had to say... people aren't really "red, yellow, black, and white." Or a friend answering a cell phone said, "We are with our friend, and they just adopted two orphens (I was at their birth and brought them home from the hospital).

It gets frustrating at times... but I realize that we are moving the people around us forward in their thinking about humans and how being human doesn't mean we always have to focus on differences. If you think about it, we are all different within our own skin colors. Don't you wish we could stop focusing on skin color.

[DeNaJa]

DH and I are cc & had 2 bio kids when we offered to adopt the baby of a 13 yr old rape victim who was planning to abort because the clinic staff told her "no one will want a bi-racial rapist's baby". Sadly, older members of my family had inherited racist beliefs...mostly a generational thing. Sigh. We decided to be upfront and tell them we were adopting a bi-racial child to let them get used to the idea. We were fully prepared to remove ourselves from family events if they couldn't control themselves and their tongues. I found it humorous that in general, to "prove" they are not racist, many CC would say "I work with black people" or "I have black friends". This was generally used before the sucker punch. My family had one basic concern. Hair. This was a major worry for them and they wouldn't ever have to fix the child's hair! LOL!!! I also learned that Halle Berry is the poster child for bi-racial females/children. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard "She is bi-racial? I'll bet she will be beautiful because ALL bi-racial children are beautiful...just look at Halle Berry!" LOL! Halle Berry is pretty stiff competition to live up to no matter what color you are! Anyway, when she was born, to the relief of the family, her hair was soft and curly. THen they began to worry about adoption in general. It was assumed by some and INSISTED upon by one woman that her birth mom MUST have been on drugs. Uh, no. Of course, we got the fear questions about her birth mom coming back, taking her, etc... Once that was discussed and as my daughter got older, we realized she was not hitting milestones. After extensive tests, we learned she has CP from the abortion attempt on her when she was 20 wks. She has epilepsy, requires PT, OT, speech, and behavior therapies along with medications. Now, we are the only people in our family to adopt. We are the only people with a multi racial child/family and now we are the only ones to have a special needs child. The issue of being special needs has been far more difficult for the family to deal with than issues of race and adoption. It is HIGHLY irritating the obnoxious, insulting comments. To the point where I really have distanced myself and my family from certain family members. On person asked me if the problem was genetic and I thought he was being genuinely interested and shared that we had been to genetic specialists and their tests revealed no genetic problems. He asked what we knew about the birth mom and I had been given medical records. He then said, "but you don't know anything about the genetics of the father"...well, NO...it was a rape. So, shortly after he states "I'm a big believer in genetics. My ex-wife and I are from good stock and my kids are from good stock. My grandkids have good genes." Well Hello Hitler! My jaw hit the ground. Then I was told as I was trying to explain why my daughter wasn't responding the way my other kids were that "she is just testing you...I know testing when I see it!" Ok, so I guess ALL those specialists are wrong and YOU know everything!?! I could go on and on about this issue. My daughter gets the look like she is something of disgust. That she should be able to control herself. That we should fix her. That we "can't take her anywhere" (which isn't true, but who need truth when you are dealing with morons?) That I need to "call Dr. Phil or the Nanny" for professional help. I get the distinct impression that people think because my adaughter ended up having medical issues/special needs that I somehow got a "dud"...like when you buy a car and get a lemon. This is MY daughter! I think they forget that anyone could have a bio kid with special needs. I actually had a genetic specialist tell me when he reported that his tests were all negative and after I shared with him her pre-birth medical history, "It isn't a problem that they were performing a 2nd trimester abortion. The problem is that they didn't complete it." EXCUSE ME??? I said, "Well, I'd rather she be delayed than dead." and that was our last visit with that guy. WHO SAYS THAT TO THE MOTHER>>>my daughter was in the room!!!

Ignorant people with mouths are a menace! I read a quote once: "Better to be thought an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." AMEN.

PS: When sharing my adoption story, a non-cc person contacted me concerning the quote stated by the clinic staff (no one will want a bi-racial rapist's baby). She was upset at me saying "Why did you feel the need to mention that your daughter is bi-racial? Only redneck white christians feel the need to bring up race! I guess that is what you are." She also used some profanity. I couldn't care less what color skin my daughter has. It is my position that God is a master artist. He made all different shades of flower, tree, even grass. The variations are never ending! So naturally, being an artist, His greatest creation...HUMANS...would be of various shades too. All of which are beautiful because the Master created the palette and painted each of us according to His vision. I was particularly upset because I didn't make her race an issue. The abortion clinic staff did. I wanted this baby...I adopted her and am raising her. The clinic staff used her race as a reason for aborting her. And I am the "redneck" (IE racist)??? What does that make them??? I wanted her to live regardless if her skin color!!!!!!! Sad.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

My father wasn't the most tolerant man before I adopted Maire-Kate. After Maire-Kate's adoption, though, he changed a lot. However, he started calling African Americans "colored". He wasn't being mean-he actually believed he was saying the right thing. So if he was telling me a story and mentioned a "colored man", I would say "Well, what color was he?". That kind of got the point across and he said "What should I say?" and told him "black" would be fine.

My dad used colored at first too! My step mother told me he was telling everyone at mardi gras (yeah he goes every year) that he had a new "colored" grandchild. I told her he better be careful or he was gonna get beat up

My grandfathers friend also uses "negro" all the time and tells me where he is that what's correct...I tell him that would be correct if he was in Mexico, but I don't think so in Canada.