[Stormy]

I was hoping to get some of your opinions. Our church is a very big United Methodist church. It is fairly diverse, but the majority race is cauc. Much of the diversity is because of adoption. But we do have families of other races there.
Anyway, they called me today and asked if they could have an older child hold the 5 mo. baby who is AA for a Christmas lesson. They are doing a thing for the kids about what Jesus looks like to children in other parts of the world. Now, he is not the only AA child in the church. But we are probably more involved than any other AA or transracial families in the church. So, I explained to the person that if the baby was going to be on the stage that our 3 year old would want to be there with his brother. And she said, "but he isn't black is he?" I said "no, but he is very bonded with his brother and is going to want to be with him" She said that we could have an older child hold him, but the 3 year old couldn't be a part. they are going to have a little girl who is Asian and was adopted recently, a girl who is a teen and is Indian, and she said they were also going to have a Caucasian child. (note, the older kids holding the babies will be white and there will be another child representing white children). So I said I would have to talk to my husband before I said yes or no.
To be honest I was a little upset that they wanted him because he was black. I was also am worried that the 3 year old will be upset that the baby is being singled out. I know for a fact that the 3 year old will be jealous. But of course when they grow up they will be doing things differently. So there will be times of jealousy. And I am worried that our older son will see the baby as being different. Right now, as far as our 3 year old is concerned there is nothing different about our family. Not that I think it is bad for him to see that. But at 3 I want him to believe that Black and White are as everyday as blue and green. (I hope I am making sense). He understands different races and cultures to the best of his ability. But we don't want him to think that his brother doesn't fit in our family just as much as he does. Its just that in everything we do people point out that the baby is different. We get questions like "who's baby is he" and personal questions about his adoption. I love my son, and I am proud of him and that we adopted him. It's just that sometimes I wish people didn't always stare and look at us twice, wisper after we have pasted. I just don't want to encourage that. Especially at our church, where we have felt we were accepted and never felt singled out.

So what do you guys think? Am I being over sensitive? What should I do?

A.

[Jensboys]

Remember -- Your the mother - you do what is right for your family and your children. That may not be what your neighbour would do ... but you have to make the decision for your kids. If you are uncomfortable then dont do it. Probably doesnt mean though that the church wont do the program ... probably going to happen anyway
I am the mother of two cauc boys and two aa boys. For the three older ones (two aa and one cauc) now ages 5,6 and 7 we noticed that THEY initiated lots of claiming behaviours on their own (particularly at the ages of 3 - 5) Namely they ALWAYS wanted to dress the same "So people will think we are twins Mama". It was their way of stopping (so they hoped) questions about the make up of our family. I complied and so did many member of our extended family who still often send matching outfits for all 4 boys. The reality is we are all poster families for transracial adoption, multi racial families and diversity. When we first had the boys home for around a year I really noticed teh looks and stares and felt obligated to answer all questions. Now I dont even SEE the stares and if people ask rude questions I dont answer ... like how long have you had them .... answer oh a lifetime Where are they from ... up the street ... lol Congratulations on being such a caring parent ... kids health come first and the baby wont care either way and if you really feel that your older child will be negatively affected then dont do it. however this may be a teaching oppportunity about family diversity etc... You decide!

[Stormy]

Thank you so much for your post!

Funny what you said about your boys wanting to dress the same. Not long after we had our youngest son our older one made it clear that he LOVED when they dressed the same. Now whenever I buy clothes I try to buy clothes that match. I am even knitting them matching sweaters. And it does make things a little easier. It is the only time that people automatically think they are brothers.

I know our older son will be hurt by not being included in something his brother is. And you are right, they are going to have this thing no matter what. And I like that they want to teach diversity. But I guess right now, today, I don't want to be teaching about diversity and transracial adoption. Today I just want to be a normal family, I don't want to stand out.

I was also a little hurt because we have been going through a lot of difficult changes and problems recently. My mother has been diagnosed with a terminal illness that is genetic and they need me to be tested for it to see if I have it too. And my husband is having very difficult problems at work. I thought when someone from the church was calling they were calling to see how we are. No one has called to see how we are, yet my mother is dying, I may have the same thing that is killing her (but it progresses slowly, so if I do I wouldn't get sick for about 10 to 15 years), and my husband may get laid off next week. I just don't feel like being helpful right now.

I haven't been feeling much like I fit into the church recently because no one has shown concern and support at such a difficult time in our family. So when they called I just felt like they didn't understand me anyway.

[melpears]

It becomes more difficult to handle these situations as the children get older. I am finding that my sweet 10 yr old Peruvian daughter (who has more the appearance of a bi-racial child) is very sad and moody of late. I was not ready for this personality change. But looking back, I can remember numerous times when she was forced into the role of outsider in play groups. At this age, with adolescence coming on very quickly, she is much more volatile about it all. And I too have found our church to be lacking in resources (or interest) in helping with such problems. My daughter is just kind of lost there. And, same thing, when they call, I am hoping it is to inquire as to how we are, but it is usually just to ask for more of my time volunteering, etc. The racial issue is one most white people wish would just go away. No one wants to hear about it. I hope you can get some help from someone to at least have a chance to discuss your concerns. And best wishes regarding your health and job related worries.