[heatherc11]

I was at a new mom's group today(I was the only one who was an adoptive mommy) with my four month old son Jackson. I was having a conversation with another mommy about getting him to sleep better at night and she said " well you're not his real mom anyway" Any ideas what I can say to this without sounding rude myself? (Personally I wanted to scream but...)

[Linny]

OOOoooo, that'd get my dander up too. But, although I'm not one to think real fast on my feet, maybe this would be a good one:

---'Really? How would you know?!!! I think I'm pretty 'real' myself!

I've heard it said that a really good way to educate folks about their ignorance in adoption, is to put it back in their lap and let them see how stupid their comment was, KWIM?
I'm sure you'll get some better responses than that one; but that's the best I could do for now!
Hang in there. You're the REAL momma, for sure.

Sincerely,

Linny

[NeedsANap]

I haven't adopted yet but I do have an adopted sister and have heard the "well, you're not her real sister" comment. If you can deadpan, I usually say with a completely straight face "Real? No, I'm completely animatronic, but aren't I lifelike?"

The people who get it generally feel bad for saying something stupid, and the ones who don't were never going to figure it out anyway.

[linda512]

I don't have a good comeback for you. I think I would be unable to help myself from being rude back. I'm sorry that it happened. I can't imagine what she was thinking in that context. I mean, saying "where is his real mom from" you could "justify" by the person not knowing proper adoption lingo, but in this context I can't think of any excuse.

[jaenelle]

What a jerk! I'd have probably popped her a good one in the mouth, personally. But yeah, people have said several times about Vince and I "not being able to have kids of our own" or that type of thing. I always just say Yuna is our own. We worked every bit as hard to get her, if not harder, than most bio parents work to get their kids and we love her at least that much, if not more. That's pretty real to me.

[crick]

Since you said you didn't want to be rude...some "nice" replies I can think of.

"I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude and insensitive and I'd be more than happy to educate you on adoption if you would like?"

"Not real? I'm confused....is your husband who is not blood related to you, real?"

"What do you mean by real? Or did you mean simply that I'm not his biological parent?"

"Interesting...so if your baby has a bad night and you are obviously his biological mother, what does that mean?"

"Wasn't it James Earl Jones, the famous actor, who said "Family relationships come from real bonding, not from something imagined, or a presumption about genetic inheritance."?

[mrsred]

eeek heather... from one un-real mom to another I think I might have to smack someone with my bionic arm if they said that to me. See, that's the nice thing about not being the "real" mom... we are the Super moms!

[KT9]

I think simply replying with "No, I am is real mom" would suffice and get the message across. I don't know the context in which this woman said that, but a lot of the times, I've found, people will make comments about adoption without realizing they are being rude. Maybe this woman has never known an adoptive mom before and doesn't know the "correct" things to say. Don't let those little comments upset you. Just calmly correct the person and move on.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by heatherc11

I was at a new mom's group today(I was the only one who was an adoptive mommy) with my four month old son Jackson. I was having a conversation with another mommy about getting him to sleep better at night and she said " well you're not his real mom anyway" Any ideas what I can say to this without sounding rude myself? (Personally I wanted to scream but...)

All mothers are real, it doesn't matter how you get to be a mother.


In adoption all mothers are real, the one who gives birth, and the one who raises the child.. both mothers are real, neither is unreal.. being real doesn't make one better then the other.. they are both mother.. One may willingly surrender, or loses a child due to her decisions about her own life.. The new mom becomes the mother for all time... Neither is invisible, both are real

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by mrsred

eeek heather... from one un-real mom to another I think I might have to smack someone with my bionic arm if they said that to me. See, that's the nice thing about not being the "real" mom... we are the Super moms!

Have you ever heard children talk about mom and stepmom?

We all have grown up with the stepparent image on TV or movies.

We have all heard the reference to step mom and real mom. We hear that far more then anything about adoption.

So why does it seem mean when someone who does not know any better say it to an adoptive mom?

For most people they mean it the same as stepmom - real mom.. to distinguish between the too.

The best thing is to say, adoption makes me the real mom, then say, all moms are real, whether you give birth or adopt, or marry someone with kids.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jaenelle

What a jerk! I'd have probably popped her a good one in the mouth, personally. But yeah, people have said several times about Vince and I "not being able to have kids of our own" or that type of thing. I always just say Yuna is our own. We worked every bit as hard to get her, if not harder, than most bio parents work to get their kids and we love her at least that much, if not more. That's pretty real to me.

Ok, no flame here.. a comparison.

Are you implying that you love your adopted child better then say, how I love my bio kids?

Are you implying that adoption makes you more able to love better then someone who doesn't adopt?

What is the difference between real or not real mom, and love better because I adopted and you didn't? Isn't that just as mean, or thoughtless to say?

just asking, not yelling or trying to get anyone mad

[AudreyE]

My favorite reply: "I have paperwork from a judge saying I"m their real mom. Where's your proof?"

Audrey

[joskids]

Audrey, GREAT COMEBACK!!!

[aclee]

Originally Posted by KT9

I think simply replying with "No, I am is real mom" would suffice and get the message across. I don't know the context in which this woman said that, but a lot of the times, I've found, people will make comments about adoption without realizing they are being rude. Maybe this woman has never known an adoptive mom before and doesn't know the "correct" things to say. Don't let those little comments upset you. Just calmly correct the person and move on.

BUT I really like this one. I might say, "No, I am his *REAL* mom, I'm sorry if you aren't (insert your prefered adjective here...I like educated or diverse) enough to see that." Honestly, I do look forward to having a child, but I'm not hoping to have to spend my entire life being a poster family for diveristy, or transracial adoption. If people are sincere enough to want to learn, I would certainly have enough patience to teach them...nothing about THAT lady wants to learn. You would have to live under a rock in this day and age to NOT know that is a rude and really insensitve thing to say.

I agree if they made a comment about his "real parents" or where they were from etc, then that is just ignorance to language. The comment she made was clearly directed at you, and personal, and I think it stinks. She was completely ingnorant to emotions, and being a mother, I just don't see how she could be that stupid. Her child is in danger if she's that dumb, and it worries me there are people out there that are raising children that ignorant. My immediate thought was maybe she made and error and thought you were the babysitter? I just can't believe how cruel people can be.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

Ok, no flame here.. a comparison.

Are you implying that you love your adopted child better then say, how I love my bio kids?

Are you implying that adoption makes you more able to love better then someone who doesn't adopt?

What is the difference between real or not real mom, and love better because I adopted and you didn't? Isn't that just as mean, or thoughtless to say?

just asking, not yelling or trying to get anyone mad

My take on this...since I sort of understand what Yuna's mom was saying is sort of how I feel too. I think that for me personally (and I really can't speak for her) I know that having gone through everything I have, that I think when I have a child finally (though adoption) I've worked and struggled and toiled so hard and for so long to get there, that it is not a process that I take for granted. There are definatly people in this world that take pregnancy and their ability to have children for granted. I'm sure they still love their children. But I know that personally, I can look back, with 20/20 vision at my journey and know that I will love my children, hold them tighter and cherish them more (even the bio children I still hope to have someday) BECAUSE I've done this journey. Because I've sat in wait, with no power or control of my own destiny...it changes how you feel. My sister and brother-in-law have two girls. Do they love them? You bet. Their world revolves around those girls...except when diaper changing comes. Then it's pass off and hand off, and go tell the other parent your dirty, and I changed the baby last time. I've wanted a dirty smelly butt to rub across my couch and ruin it for 2 years. I want a blow out diaper that is so bad I'm gagging as I rinse out the onesie. I just don't think that people that get pregnant easily, want those things. In my mind, I will love my children better for having had this journey. I will smile down at the tantrums and remember the days when all I prayed for was a 2 AM wake up call.