[DeNaJa]

One of my grandparents uses the term "colored" also...and "mongoloid" (for those with Down's) among others which are now found offensive, but which were "normal" and "acceptable" for her generation. I try not to react with intense emotion, but instead remember where she is coming from. She isn't speaking out of malice, just a generational gap. I will say that I was concerned about prejudice considering the terminology, but my daughter is welcomed and treated as "part of the pack". I think in honesty, my grandma (and others) sorta forget my daugher is multi-racial. She is just "family". My grandma told me recently since we are the only people to adopt in our whole family (either side), the only ones with a multi-racial family and the only ones with a special needs child "this is all new for me...for all of us and we are learning as we go". I think that in itself is an important step...to admit we are not experts, will make mistakes, but are willing to learn and to try in love for one another. It is new for ALL of us...and we are all doing our best. Don't be doormats and accept obvious insults meant to be cruel, but don't go around looking to be offended either. It is easy to be offended, especially by those who are trying really hard NOT to offend! I got my head bit off several times for not using "correct" lingo on this site when I 1st arrived. It was ignorance,not malice. And what offends some will not offend others...don't expect people to read your mind. Take a deep breath and gently, respectfully educate. I think often this approach works better than a sarcastic repremand.

[Celesyee]

DH and I are both Asian Americans, though not the same ethnicity. Initially we wanted to adopt only a full or part Asian child, but after a lot of deep thought we opened our preferences to any ethnicity knowing that we'd probably be matched with an AA or biracial child. When we told our parents about our updated adoptions plans his mother asked, "don't you want to adopt a half Chinese, half Filipino child?" As if we can just go the agency and make an order?

My dad asked, "so what, are you going to adopt just any kid?" My mom later told me that my dad preferred that we adopt an Asian child.

Now MIL absolutely loves Devin (and actually thinks he's her son...long story). My dad has even asked me several times about protecting Devin from stereotypes and racism. I also learned that the Chinese term for AA that we've used our entire life is actually a racial term. Apparently there is not a PC Chinese term for AA so now that's exactly what my dad uses...African American.

[millie58]

DeNaJa, you're right about generational terms. I think some terms are "outdated" but people in their 70s and 80's used them and will be hard to say other things. My mother, who's a mix of AA, NA and Caucasian and raised AA, was called the N word in Catholic school because she had long hair. She has never referred to herself as black although my siblings and I have. It is what it is. and to the poster who said wouldn't it be nice to not have to worry about race?? YES; maybe it'll happen.... just maybe...

[BethanyB]

You have to be prepared to make a choice in this situation. Could your father come around? Possibly. But what if he doesn't?

Your child deserves to be loved by you and everyone around you unconditionally. Honestly, I know you don't want people bashing your dad but the way he feels is wrong. You kind of seem to be making excuses for him. I know you love him. He's your dad but will that cloud your judgment? Kids are smart. Your child will understand the unspoken reality of how your dad feels. That is not fair to the child.

My opinion is, if you are not ready to cut your dad out of your life if he does not come around, then don't do it. Wait for a CC child.

[bethy724]

I would ask your dad his opinion & see where it goes. There were people in my family I assumed were prejudice (based on ignorant comments when I was younger) that I was willing to cut out of my life & it turns out they adore my son. There are people I didn't think were prejudice that are now out of my life now.

Your family is you & your husbands decision - if you leave it up to your parents you miss out. (& you may be wrong about your dad-people change)

[yehudit]

DeNaJa, a lot of your post resonates with me. People used to say all the time that my BR DD will be the next Halle Berry. Actually, my DD is much prettier than HB . They also ask me where she comes from and look shocked when I say Florida.

Also, the special needs thing is interesting to me. My in-laws didn't want us to adopt on grounds that one of the adopted people they know is addicted to drugs. As it turns out, our DD seems to be just fine developmentally and they adore her, but our DS, our bio child, has Asperger's/autism and they are in total denial about it. So they didn't want to adopt a child with problems, but our bio child's actual problems are ignored. They told us this summer that what he needs is psychological counselling because of "the way his parents relate to him." So it's better for them to think DH and I are really sh----y parents than to think there might be a biological cause. No, it's our fault.

To the OP, that is quite a dilemma. Have you spoken with your parents about this situation? You never know -- they might surprise you if they know how strongly you feel about this boy. If he's still not receptive, I'd have to think long and hard about whether to cut him out of your life. Not only would that be heartbreaking for you, your son will likely have some notion that you are alienated from your dad because of him. That's a lot to put on a young person.

Good luck,