[watermelon0719]

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 13 months. We decided to look into adoption because it is something we've ALWAYS wanted to do. It just so happened that getting pregnant does not seem to be in our near future. Well, a lot of people assume that we're going to be adopting only because we can't get pregnant. I get a lot of, "Well, don't worry, maybe you'll get pregnant and then you won't have to adopt!" That makes me so mad! We WANT to adopt, it is not something we settled for! Our adoptive child will be just as special and dear to us as any biological children we might have! Did anyone else get this response, and if so, how did you deal with it?

[DianeScraps]

We get it all the time - usually alternates between that and 'as soon as the adoption is final you will get pregnant'

I just let it go

[ddhuab]

but, to be honest, once I found out how much it cost, if we were able to get pregnant easily, I probably would not have pursued adoption until my biolgical children were grown, and we were older and (hopefully) had more disposable income. We feel similarly about fostering, only I feel like I need to be older and be sure of having more resources available to me (time, money, knowledge, and patience) to start down that road.

That is why part of me KNOWS that our first child was meant to be adopted, and maybe that is the reason for our earlier difficulties. I have met my daughter (we are still in the process of her adoption) and I could not feel more love for her than if she were born to me. I am also hoping we can adopt a little boy from Guatemala in the future, if politics and our personal finances will work out that way.

I only had one person in my family use the "then you'll get pregnant and have six more kids." My reply was, and then we'll have seven, and that will prove God wanted us to start growing our family through adoption.

D.

[Outfishn]

Consider the flip side. Maybe you'll adopt and you won't need to get pregnant.

[ddhuab]

That is exactly what I was thinking... we recently found out I might be pregnant and my husband and I had this conversation. Me: "I was really TOTALLY ok with ONLY adopting." Him: "Me too."

I was kind of vicariously pregnant when my best friend got pregnant with her first, and that was pretty much enough for me!

Of course, part of me feels like, wow, that would be such an easier way to have a second child! (I know, pregnancy is not always EASY -- especially for me -- but it involves less paperwork and reliance on other people!)

D.

[rredhead]

I've known that I wanted to build a family through adoption for 17 years. When we were dating, I told my now-husband that I would not have any biological children. My reasoning: There are already so many children in this world that if I didn't feel a strong need to be pregnant and/or genetically bonded to a child, there was no point in adding one more person. Also, women in my family have a tendency of difficult pregnancies and labors, and I didn't want to have to worry about that.
DH did a lot of thinking about that, and finally decided that it was not important to him to have a bio child either -- any child we adopted would be just as much his as one I carried.
After we got married, we got the "When are you going to have kids?" question. Explaining that we were going to adopt when we didn't HAVE TO was draining. People would argue with me, and talk about all the movie-of-the-week horrors. I generally said, "Yeah, everyone knows the horror stories. They're the ones that make the news because they're out of the ordinary."
In 2003, I was injured and now have nerve damage in my knee. Now when people ask why we adopted, it's easier to just tell them that and add that "it's inadvisable for me to be pregnant while I'm on these meds."
Adoption is our first choice, and not something we did because we "had to."
Just my story.
-R

[traceyk]

We didn't tell anyone that DH had his vas. rev. for fear of the pressure and sure enough it didn't work out so when we told everyone we were adopting they were surprised because they didn't even know we wanted more children. Especially since we have two teen. So when we explained everything we went through for the past three years, my Mom says,"you're going to keep trying right?" I looked at her and said. "well, i'm not going to stop having sex if that's what you mean." She hasn't brought it up since we brought Drihan home. And quite franlky, we had a pregnancy scare and I was so upset because I don't want to become preg. I want Drihan to not have to share the spotlight and we want to spoil her to pieces. I have one going off to college and another 2 years after, she will be mostly an only child.

[bajj]

I understand! I have always wanted to adopt as well. I didn't realize I wouldn't have bio kids, but I am ok with that. I get asked frequently if I plan on having "natural" kids. I just smile sweetly and say, "spend about 1/2 sec with my boys and you'll see how natural they are."

As for the "now you'll get pregnant thing" I always say, "wow, wouldn't that be a miracle!" I leave it at that and usually people don't ask any more ?s after that.

[Vicki H]

I used to get that alot, as well as the usual now that you've adopted you'll get pregnant.
Irritating! I absolutely cannot stand these comments.
They have stopped now that I had a hysterectomy.
Now I get, do you think you will adopt again? Which is fine, of course

[Annakelsey]

i cant believe people say that.. I have talked to friends and family and some understand but some ask "why not have youre own" I see it as even IF you CAN have youre own children ... sometimes it just not for you. I think either way adoption is a wonderful thing!..

[corhen]

I wanted to only adopt. This was our first choice. I hate when people say it was something they settled for.
corhen

[clittle]

So, from reading these, will the questions ever stop????
I'm in the beginning of adopting and am already growing weary of "Can't you have your own", "Why not have your own?", "You'll get pregnant as soon as you adopt".
Please tell me there's a light at the end of the tunnel!!!

[frances93]

Consider the flip side. Maybe you'll adopt and you won't need to get pregnant.

I totally agree. After we adopted our dd and ds (sibling group). We heard this constantly "I know someone who got pg right after they adopted" and I was like I don't want to hear that.

I'm so glad I got my babies without having to be pg NOW when I look back on everything.

[iwrite]

I know that once I talk to more people about my eventually adopting (only a couple people know right now) I'm going to get the question: "Why adopt?"
I have an answer all ready! "Why not?"

[Vogi2002]

So I am not one of those who ALWAYS wanted to adopt, but I did have a lot of respect for adoption and I would always be great with it if that is what we "had" (for lack of better wording) to do. I have a lot of experience with family being adopted so i always knew of it and was never afraid of it. But I REALLY wanted to experience pg. But that is not my calling, and I am so okay with it I am almost GLAD!!

I did have to grieve over my infertility, face the reality of never becoming pregnant, or having a biological child, both my dh and I had to face this. It was hard, took a while, lots of tears, but now i'm so dang excited and elated and happy about adopting that i can honestly say that I could CARE LESS about being pg!!

People say that to me ALL the time, i think they think it will make ME feel better. I liked the explanation another member (can't remember who it was) gave as to why it bothered her. "You'll get pg right after you adopt" is almost like 'playing down' her infertility and the pain she went through. Like saying it is just THAT easy. For someone who went through years and years of agony and anguish I totally understand this. Also, it made her feel like they were saying that adopting a child would "never be enough". I usually blow them off. I have learned it does no good to argue or try to explain how that makes you feel.

HTH!!

Natalie