[ahimsa]

This was a HUGE frustration of mine early in our adoption process. I don't hear it nearly as much now that we've had the kids for a year and a half.

We never tried to get pregnant...I've been on the pill since we met 11 years ago...but people are still quick to pity me. I felt like I needed to have a shirt made up that said "Yes I chose to adopt. No I'm not infertile. Mind your own business!"

Even my mom used to bug. Although she knew we "chose" adoption, she would say little annoying comments like "well maybe someday you'll ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant". I finally told her that dh was planning to get a vasectomy right after finalization. That shut her up!

Take care of yourself. It is difficult to endure people's cruel comments. I really feel for you!!!

[ps2005]

I'm coming to this discussion a little late, but the comments here really hit home with me. We have already signed with an agency, started homestudy, and have almost our whole dossier complete...and have only told about 15 people that we are adopting. Most of those were people we really needed to do reference letters, sign docs, etc. Why? Because we don't want to deal with these very questions.

We had an unsusual infertility journey--we only tried to conceive for 7 or 8 months before tests revealed that our only option, really, was IVF/ICSI. At that point, we quit treatment and put our energy into adoption. Hardly any of our friends even knew that we were experiencing infertility, and so of course everyone has to ask WHY we are adopting...or they assume we will adopt first and have our "own" kids later.

Like Natalie said, that is bad on two levels: it downplays the pain of infertility, and it also minimizes the love and importance you place on a child by adoption. Both of those things are hurtful. One of my greatest frustrations in this whole process is that adoption and infertility are so closely linked in everyone's mind. As for my family, we are really trying to think of those as totally separate. One is a great disappointment that brings a lot of sorrow, but the other is PURE JOY!

Another sad thing to me is that the only 2 families we know in town who have adopted have gone back to try IVF after adopting. This is a totally personal choice, and there's nothing wrong with it, but it makes me sad to think that our society says adopted kids aren't "enough" if there's any way you can have a bio kid. Argh!

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Ashleigh

[emzierose]

I have to say I can really relate to all of your comments. I have alway wanted to adopt. When my husband and I found out we couldn't get pregnant we were just oh, ok. We didn't even consider fertility treatments. When I told my dr. I was done with all the testing she got kind of mad. She called and wrote saying "we should keep testing and find out exactly why" "I'm sure we could help you get pregnant" "You don't have to adopt when you have all these other options". I was so upset. I finally just told her she didn't get it. That I just want to be a mom, it doesn't matter if my child comes from my body or someone elses. My child will be my child regardless and I will love an adoptive child as much as I would a biological child. I also told her that I wouldn't be going to her anymore!

I have to believe though that most people that make those comments just don't understand. I just try my best to smile and tell them it doesn't matter. Most who have said these kinds of things to me understand after I explain it to them. Don't get me wrong, it still ticks me off. I just try not to show it to them.

[heartbeat]

Adoption is not a consolation prize!

oooooh! I love this! Wouldn't it be so cool if this got spread far and wide and became the catch-phrase?

I can see it now...posters, billboards, t-shirts, bumper stickers....yeahhhh

heartbeat

[Shadowfaerie]

Well I'll just jump on this thread really late... One of my friends said something similar to me recently, something like, "just watch, you'll get pregnant while you're trying to adopt"... I kind of laughed, after all this trying I think it's pretty darn unlikely. I think it's just one of those stupid things people say when they have no clue what else to say. Luckily that wasn't said by someone really important to me, like my parents.

And I totally agree, adoption is no less than me actually giving birth. Actually, I will enjoy not going through the pregnancy personally.

Dawn

[ani26]

From the day I met my husband I told him I wanted to have one or two biological kids and adopt another one. He told me he wanted to do the same thing. We got married and waited 2 years to start trying to get pregnant, it didn't work so we decided to start the adoption process. We told a few people and the first thing they said was "well maybe you'll get pregnant naturally while waiting and you won't have to adopt"

[patti Daniels]

My dad would say rude things. I told him that I was so thankful my daughter did not have his DNA. He never said anything rude about adoption again. My daughter is beautiful, smart, loveable, and the list goes on. She has been more successful than any of his biological grandchildren. She loved him so much. When he died she wrote a poem and recited it at his funeral. I did not know she was going to do this. The funeral director said, " One of his granddaughters would like to say something about her grandpa. The poem was beautiful and after the poem the song Grandpa by the Judds was played. There was not a dry eye in the church. I know that this may be a strange way to tell you that it will be ok, but it will be ok. Life is so short and we spend so much time with worries. I am very guilty of this. I hope this helps.

Originally Posted by watermelon0719

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 13 months. We decided to look into adoption because it is something we've ALWAYS wanted to do. It just so happened that getting pregnant does not seem to be in our near future. Well, a lot of people assume that we're going to be adopting only because we can't get pregnant. I get a lot of, "Well, don't worry, maybe you'll get pregnant and then you won't have to adopt!" That makes me so mad! We WANT to adopt, it is not something we settled for! Our adoptive child will be just as special and dear to us as any biological children we might have! Did anyone else get this response, and if so, how did you deal with it?

[heatherc11]

My husband and I have been looking into adoption for the last year. We decided to try some fertility treatments at the urging of my ob/gyn. When that didn't work we decided that it was time to adopt. Now we are at the beging stages of adoption and people keep telling me that I am goping to get pregnant once we adopt. We cannot physically get pregnant like that! It angers us that people think Adoption is a consolation prize.

By the way, if anyone makes up the "adoption is not a consolation prize" stickers, I want one! :-)

[Linny]

You know....I happened to think:
What if when someone stated that 'oh, now you'll get pregnant' comment, the pre-adoptive couple stated, "What!?!?!?! Who'd want to get pregnant NOW???!!! THIS is great!"

Wonder what expression would be on THEIR faces!?!?!?!?

Sincerely,

Linny

[traceyk]

I have seen those faces. We have two bio teens and after 2 years of infertility treatments after a vas. rev. we decided our goal was to have a baby, not get preg. so along came Drihan. Now I hear family and friends say "maybe you will get preg. now" and I say "Gosh, I hope not, that would be horrible!" They are shocked and ask why and I tell them because three is what I wanted and I have no desire for Drihan to share my attention with another baby. We just want to spoil the beejeebers out of her and with the older two being much older, never home and leaving soon, it's like having an only child a lot of times. And it's fun

[SingleMama2B]

I truly believe that this statement (and others like it) are soooooo common!! It amazes me, and continues to do so.

My situation is different.... at the age of 32, I found out that I would not be able to have children. So after, my relationship ended, and I dove back into my career. When I was little... sure I dreamt of the knight in shinning armour, white picket fence, and 2 (bio) children and at least one adopted. Yep, I had always thought that I (we) should adopt.... too many children without loving parents!!!

Fast forward 20 years, and finding out that I cannot have children..... I was heart broken, and the few relationships that came and went over the next 9+ years where nothing special.... I had started looking into adoption, BUT did not tell Family and friends... only my BEST friend who was VERY SUPPORTIVE. After looking into it domestically (NJ makes it VERY hard for a single woman, and too expensive for a private one), I started looking into International. For 3 years, I looked into different countries.... and finally came to conclusion, that this might not be the "Big Plan" for me. My heart was broken.... then one day, I receive a phone call from my sister.... she told me of a phone call she received 'out of the blue' from someone she did NOT know, asking her and her family to "HOST" a Russian Orphan for 2 weeks in the summer.... after a series of 6 phone calls (acquiring information), in two days, I was filling out the paperwork to host a child..... That darling child is NOW my DARLING DAUGHTER!!!! So..... after I had set all the wheels in motion, I did tell a few friends, family and co-workers.... for the most part, the comments where of the supportive nature... others... well, let's just say or chalk it up to IGNORANCE!!!!! I am somewhat a private person at work, and don't share my life (outside of work) with alot of coworkers, and they where stunned, and real STUPID things came out of their mouths. I would at first give an explaination... then figured.... "THEY WILL NEVER GET IT", so I just stopped.

Not everyone will UNDERSTAND, and that is just the way it is.... Usually the ones that say these things, CANNOT imagine themselves ever adopting anyway, and cannot open their minds to such a wonderful journey!!!

Blessings..............

[SPD]

Hi! I wanted to jump in too. I can't believe how some people say things without thinking like they do after reading the posts. My DH and I have talked about adoption for a while not because of fertility problems, but just because. We ended up having a bio son in 2001 and there were some complications. He was 2 months early (in the hospital for 2 months exactly) and he has Down syndrome (which was a bit of a shocker). Anyway, a lot of people assume we are adopting our second child because my son has Down syndrome, which is not the case. Not even close. We had talked about it before having our son. The premie thing did scare me and I think I would be worried throughout the pregnancy because of it, which would not be good for me or the baby. The cord was wrapped around his neck and we almost lost him, which I would worry about the whole time. So we started talking about adoption again.

I wanted to add that I think people make that "now that you are adopting you are gonna get pregnant comment" because sometimes it does happen, and because they have known someone personally that it happened to, they assume that it can happen to any and everybody. They just aren't thinking when they speak. I know of two separate situations that it happened to people that I know of personally, but I would never ever ever say something like that to someone, because who knows what people's situations are (and even if you do it still isn't a good thing to say).

I haven't had anybody say anything awful to me yet, but I am just waiting.

Sandra

[lolagranola]

I've been planning to adopt since I was about 10. I had "nontraditional" families in my life, and just accepted it as "normal". So now after 2 bio kids we are finally ready to start...everyone seems to think something is "wrong" (infertility?).

Where we live, large families are very common. In fact, we had custody of a niece for a year, and I would tell people that we had to get another kid in order to fit in around here! At some point it dawned on me that people must be looking at my tiny family of 4 and figuring that we HAVE to adopt.

I DO HAVE to adopt! But not because of infertility! Or any other reason other than I've been pulled to it my entire life! It makes me want to concieve again to make a statement!

[MommyBear]

So few people have asked us WHY we're adopting that it hasn't really been an issue. My husband had a vasectomy before we met, which is the bottom line reason - we decided that trying the reversal was a waste of money and emotional strength, so we went right to adoption.

I believe in adoption wholeheartedly, but after the nightmare that these last 11 months of agency and homestudy crap have been, I would not turn down a pregnancy instead. Its not about having "our own" child at all - our adopted child will very much be MINE. But I am so very tired of being inspected and judged just to do what so many others get to do so easily - be a parent.