[MMC66]

This may turn out to be a long post but I have been pondering this since the weekend.

We have two sets of friends both have biracial daughters (AA/CC) Both absolutely beautiful. I have a hard time with both of these families because they don't seem to be making any effort to aknowledge their childrens' "AAness" and both have expressed huge relief when they reached an age when they could have their hair straightened. Both girls usually have their hair in typical "white" styles - one ponytail or barrettes or something like that. And honestly, it isn't attractive at all. I can't help wondering if these little girls are looking at little white girls with their soft hair in nice flowy ponytails and feeling sad and different.

As a white mom (still early on as Addy is only 17 months) I would feel weird having her hair straightened. I feel like she should be proud of her beautiful black curls and we should find styles that bring out that beauty, not try to smash it and change it.

I'd like to hear from white parents of AA kids as well as AA parents on this. Any thoughts?? Does this make sense?? Am I being too sensitive??

Thanks in Advance,
Martha

[traceyk]

I second that thought. DH and I hope Drihan never wants her hair straightened as an adult (we won't allow it as a minor) because her beautiful, thick curls is who she is. We don't allow our other two to perm or color their hair either (not that they want to).

[spaypets]

Actually, Tracey brings up a good point. I would never straighten, perm or color a child's hair, but if my daughter when she's a teen wants to chemically treat her hair in some way, I have no problem with that. I realize that it's different in my case, because there's so much politics that goes along with AA hair, whereas if my Indian daughter wants to perm her hair, there's not all that baggage that goes along with it (actually, with a spiral perm she'd probably look AA, because she's so brown--it would be very pretty I suspect). Still if I'd allow a daughter to perm, I should allow a daughter to straighten.

And I would allow a high school daughter to perm--I permed my hair in hs (junior high, I think), and through a good portion of my 20s (until it became unfashionable--too bad).

I'm on the fence about coloring--I wouldn't let a blonde daughter dye her hair blue, should I allow my black haired daughter to bleach her hair (both would look equally startling!). Now, some dark auburn highlights might be pretty (since that's what happens when she swims!).

[Sleeplvr]

Hair straightening.... You are going to get differing opinions on that this. I'm going to avoid straightening as long as I can for DD. Her current hair texture is curly and and it is easy to manage and I don't see the need for it to be straightened. Her hair is beautiful the way it is.

Some people straighten for ease of daily care but there are downsides to it. It can be viewed as trying to be white or self-hatred depending on who looks at it. I straighten my hair because it is easier for me to care for and I'm used to it. I grew up in the generation where straightening was automatically done when you reached a certain age. Hair that wasn't straightened was viewed as ugly or unkempt. Once you start straightening it's hard to quit without some sort of catalyst.

My God daughter started college in the fall and has made the transition from straightened hair to natural and her hair is beautiful. She couldn't afford the beauty salon appointments as a poor college student. The shocking part was that she had to cut off all the chemically straightened hair. She was really worried about how family and friends would react since we were all used to seeing straight below the shoulder length hair. She has received nothing but positive responses.

Avoid hair straightening and stick with a healthy natural style and let her decide when she's older if she wants to go that route. If she learns early that her hair is beautiful the way it is then maybe she will never straighten.

Since you mentioned hair color... I don't believe in kids having their hair colored or bleached. My DH's ex who is CC bleached their biracial son's hair blonde when he was 12. Let's say it didn't go over well. We still cringe when we see the photos of him from that visit.

[MMC66]

Do you think it matters in the black community of the parents are white or black and the child's hair is straightened??

My aunt who adopted two AA kids in the 70's said she would never let her kids straighten their hair as a white mom because it would appear that she was trying to make them "white"

[Sleeplvr]

That's a tricky one. If your childs hair resembles what the other parents are doing nothing will probably be said. The important thing is for it to be healthy and neat.

I only make comments (not to the child or parents) if the hair is raggedy and dry. I've seen kids who look like a comb hasn't even been put through it.

Black folks are going to talk whether the parents are white or black if the hair looks bad. There is a constant battle over the appropriate age to start putting chemicals or weaves in a childs hair. I started with chemicals in high school and up till then the pressing comb was my friend. Pressing is a temporary thing and goes away when the hair is washed. If you have to straighten a young child's hair it's the only thing I recommend but there a people who will not agree with that. Flat irons are more popular to use but it depends on the length and texture of the hair on how well it works.

[Kelli]

Not too long ago my cousin who is a hair stylist turned me on to a low heat ceramic flat iron for my dd and it has made our hair care routine so much easier. My dd has extremely long thick hair (all the way down the middle of her back) and it is naturally soft and wavy. Combing it out after it has dried was a nightmare even with the use of detanglers. I run the flat iron through her hair on low heat (takes about 5-10 minutes) and it helps loosen (not eliminate) her waves which leads to fewer tangles, if any. I love her wavy/curly hair and would never press it too straight. After much trial and error I have found blow dryers to be more damaging/drying on dd's hair and we're still left with tangles even when we use comb attachments. She won't sit under a dryer long enough for her hair to dry, so I prefer just to let her hair air dry when possible, and then use the flat iron to knock out the tangles.

[joskimo]

I"m somewhere in between on the sraightening issue, that is to say that until my daughter's a teenager (referencing my AA infant), I don't want to do it, I want to give her the benefit of having natural hairstyles. I can see where if I pushed the issue or influenced straightening it would be viewed as me trying to make her hair "white" but I'll tell you, most of the AA women and adolesents I see in our community have straightened hair, so those are essentially her role models for hair - how does a white parent deny that influence as well?

When my older daughter wanted to color and straighten her hair (yup, wanted blonde straight hair - she's NA/CC) I said no, she was not a teenager yet, but I did allow red highlights, that was my comprimise. Now that she's hitting her teen years I'd have to think hard before disallowing, but she's embraced her hair for the time being - so I've dodged this bullet for another year or two.

[hotspice58]

Sleeplvr is right. Please make sure the hair is cared for. And black folks will talk. I'm AA and never straightened my hair. Used to perm it but it's been perm free for 2-3 years. Another treatment (this one avoids heat) is bringing out the natural curl or wave of the hair. There is a curly hair salon, Ouidad, that does this. There's on in NY and there are branches in other cities. They sell items for young girls.

[traceyk]

My older two are 14 and 16 and I still wouldn't allow any chemicals. The thought of that stuff seeping into their scalp makes me cringe! Besides, my oldest has the most beautiful red hair that goes down to her waist

[AeroBeachBaby18]

My mom chemically perms me and my sisters, and my brothers(For cornrows) hair because me and my sisters hair texture is soooo terrible that withouth relaxing it each month its horrible to deal with, tangles easy, and since I have short hair it's not attractive when it comes to the dating scene so I have been getting a full head of weave since the begining of the year and I love it. In fact I'm going to the salon this Tuesday to get highlights put in my real hair that covers the wevae so it matches. My younger sister just gets single braids on her hair using yaki hair. Here are some photos.
Me:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...7-31-05024.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...andtara008.jpg

[tenderheart80]

I believe that any child should know who they are and not try to be someone their not. The adoptive parents should respect that.

[Lexie]

When I was growing up everyone did something to straighten their hair. Either a relaxer , pressing or my mom used a product called " Curl Free". I wanted my hair to look just like Peggy Lipton's in Mod Squad ( ok--so I'm old).
I have been wearing my hair curly for about 10 years now. I feel like hair texture is such an issue for AA women. We often feel defined by our hair. Is it good hair, soft hair, loose curls, nappy. For all of the little girls in my famly, I am the one who can come up with styles and the products ( leave-ins, gels etc) to keep the curls in and the frizz out. I love natural hair styles. I think we are taught directly and indirectly that the natural texture of our hair is ugly and we need to change it. I hope that this younger generation will have more positive image of AA hair and be proud of its natural texture.

All that to say---I would not straighten it.
Lexie

[leaabc123]

No straightening here either, we will see what happens with the teenage years.
I would prefer that they choose locks or other natural styles but at the point of 14 or 15, they will be allowed to make some decisions for themselves as it is their hair and something they will have to deal with as adults.

[LisaCA]

Originally Posted by AeroBeachBaby18

My mom chemically perms me and my sisters, and my brothers(For cornrows) hair because me and my sisters hair texture is soooo terrible that withouth relaxing it each month its horrible to deal with, tangles easy, and since I have short hair it's not attractive when it comes to the dating scene so I have been getting a full head of weave since the begining of the year and I love it. In fact I'm going to the salon this Tuesday to get highlights put in my real hair that covers the wevae so it matches.

I guess I see this as sad. I find it sad that long hair is the standard on the "dating scene", so much so that a person feels compelled to change who they are. And I'm saddened that someone's hair is described as "soooo terrible" and "so horrible to deal with."