[mamabee]

Ok with everything that has been said, I need some advice on what to say to my 10 year old son. I have told him his bFather is black and his bMom is white. I told him this at an earlier age...but how do I help him to accept the black and not be ashamed. He doesn't seem to be ashamed but he also doesn't talk about it. He only will listen. Then, I deal with the issues, Am I forcing this down his throat and will he grow up to think Mom always told me I am half black? Will he say, why did Mom feel she had to do this all the time? I love my son very much and I want him to be proud of who he is...all of him.

[LisaCA]

it's hard at that age, mostly because he really is nearing puberty (and all the baggage that comes with it in our culture, lol). does he view himself as black? maybe that's the question to ask him, esp if you haven't talked much about it.

[whoownsthis]

We ran into this issue of which box to check when we enrolled our girls in school this Fall. We were requesting an intra-district transfer to get them into a more diverse school that also has a great special ed program. As we were sitting in the district office, the man who takes care of transfers (he's AA) said, "Are you sure they're 'Hispanic,' all of them I mean? 'Cuz you'd stand a better chance of getting the transfer if at least one of them is Black." (Their bparents are Puerto Rican, but we suspect that the bdad was either Black or had Black ancestry that is most evident with our oldest. The social worker swears they share the same bdad, so it's not that. Our 8-yr-old swears her bmom had straight hair (she's the one with the Barbie obsession), but our 6-yr-old swears it was "long and curly" (she also has long, fine, spiral curls). I wonder if they're remembering what they THINK they remember...KWIM? They haven't seen her for 2 years! I so wish we had pictures of them!!! If I feel like there's a hole in the info, I can't imagine how my girls will feel someday, with fading memories and no pictures. )

Our plan has always been to teach them about the richness of their heritages. Afterall, Puerto Rico is made of a myriad of cultures, including the indigenous Taino population.

So how are we to know which box to check? Currently we just select the "Non-White Hispanic" box or just "Hispanic." If there is Black ancestry (and their likely is), it would be of Puerto Rican descent, so do we put "African American" for our oldest daughter, or continue with "Hispanic" for all three girls? We haven't run into this much, yet, but it will be good to be prepared. I'm glad this thread came up as I have been thinking of it lately.

P.S. I just stumbled on the book that Lisa mentioned at KMart today! It's a GREAT resource for bi-racial and multiracial kids...the book describes various shades of skin (from "frosty vanilla ice cream" to "dark chocolate" and everything in between with pictures of kids and these items), hair textures, and eye color. I was delighted to find it!

[leaabc123]

I will be the third to say it is a great book. We got a copy at the peds office during a check up last year.

[LisaCA]

africans were uprooted and shipped around the globe, including throughout the caribbean and latin america. Many puerto ricans "look" black. A bunch embrace that, others run the other way.

[Sleeplvr]

I want to make a comment about the embracing your whole self idea. There was a study done that says 95% of AA people in this country are biracial or multiracial. If we decided do to what Tiger has done there would be very few people left who identify as black.

I just look at my family tree and my AA acestors were listed as mulatto (biracial) up until the 30's when all people who were part black were labeled black or negro. Technically my family is still considered biracial because we have generations of biracial people marrying biracial people. The current generations identify as black but back in the day there were some benefits to being biracial.

I think if everyone embraces the biracial designation who is entitled to use it, it would remove the exclusiveness that some people enjoy about being biracial. If that happens the Quadroons and Octoroons won't be far behind. We will go back to quantifying race.

[mamabee]

I can't seem to be able to get my son to discuss this issue at all. Yes, we, his family, are white. I have alot of Indian in me so me and my siblings are dark complected; my son is a light skinned black (bi-racial) child but would be considered a dark skinned white child. Oh the web we weave!!!

I explain to him..we had the talk again yesterday, that his bFather is black and bMom is white so he is a combination of the two. But I have never came out and asked "him" what color he thinks he is. What do I do?

[leaabc123]

I want to make a comment about the embracing your whole self idea. There was a study done that says 95% of AA people in this country are biracial or multiracial. If we decided do to what Tiger has done there would be very few people left who identify as black.

I just look at my family tree and my AA acestors were listed as mulatto (biracial) up until the 30's when all people who were part black were labeled black or negro. Technically my family is still considered biracial because we have generations of biracial people marrying biracial people. The current generations identify as black but back in the day there were some benefits to being biracial

That makes sense in the general population but what people whose grandparents or parents are of different race/ethnicities? They should be allowed to identify with all parts of themselves.

Mamabee, maybe you should ask him and see what he says and go from there.

[mamabee]

are you saying I should just come out and ask him, "what color are you?"

[joskimo]

My older daughter is NA/CC and she has alwasy identified herself as the NA but would also call herself black sometimes when we would have discussions about different races. She wasn't trying to identify herself as being AA, but as a person of color and what she told me was that was how people saw her (meaning how CC people see people of color). It was a complex concept for a 9 year old to explain to me - and I think in her case it was a complex concept to wrap her brain around, but I don't think she was too off base.

[shef]

my name is shefalie,

My bmother is scottish/white. my bfather is east Indian and lives in India.
I was fostered/adopted with a white english family.
I can look as though I could fit most countries whre there is colour..if I stay out of the sun..I could pass almost for white/well olive skin.
I am who I am....growin gup..i thought I was white....cos my family were white and ididnt want to be "different".....but I sure wish they had just been honest about my background and been open enough just to tlak to me about colour, cultures, about what had gone into making me, me.....by not talking about my "colour" or heritage, it was though they were ashamed of it, but really they didnt know how to handle having a bi-racial child..they only opted for the white bits.....
children who are adopted from out of other cultures have many things to deal with....within themselves, but i think the more open and honest you can be about how you see them..and how others might view them, and how they might change how they see themselves as they grow up..well thats ok....ive lived too long in a box......that just ticking them for the sake of waht society wants, does not mean i have to live by that....there is no box that matches all of our uniquness from our mixed genes really...may we all just enjoy who we are togehter....

shefalie

[Sleeplvr]

Originally Posted by leaabc123

That makes sense in the general population but what people whose grandparents or parents are of different race/ethnicities? They should be allowed to identify with all parts of themselves.

That's the problem with the designation. We will be giving special recognition to people who are "legitimate" because they are the product of a consensual or a recent relationship and cutting out those who are the product of slavery or segregation. The definition of biracial is that your ancestry is of two races and it doesn't specify when and that is the bone of contention. It's not about them denying their heritage, but some people use it to distance themselves. If this current trend continues we will be going back to the old New Orleans days of quantifying our ethnicity instead of trying to remove race as a determining factor.

[leaabc123]

I see your point and understand it. However I still feel that people who choose to identify as black and white (for example) should not be told that they have to choose.

[mamabee]

Shef---how do I approach my son if he seems unwilling to talk about it? Do you think he is already feeling shame? I do not want him to be ashamed of anything or anyone. However, I am white...I do not know how to be black...so I how do I help him without him feeling I am constantly throwing it in his face?

I try to buy different types of music; he loves Tiger Woods; we personally do not have friends of color but not because I would not welcome it...we just don't have any. I don't want to look back and say why didn't I do this or that....help!!!

I really welcome all of your opinions...I don't have to agree with them but you never know...what you write might be exactly what someone else needs to read.

[shef]

mamabee.
Thank you for asking me..I am no expert by any means.....
you know one of the things that kept me groudned was knowing that my parents loved and accepted me...yes they didnt know how to talk to me about my heritage but it was a closed adoption......

I think you sound as though youre a mother with a head screwed on and have common sense. In my opinion one can get all anxious when there is no real need for it.....i would just be open with your son. Tell him how you feel when there is an opening but not too heavy..after all, soemtimes the fear is ours not theirs....he may be fine about his color at present....
do yo have any community things in your area that are of mixed origins where he can mix with other kids and families who are not white..thats what i missed most...being the only one of colour.
I also know of a very good discussion group for parents who have adopted children of colour or from overseas would you be interested, and if so, how can I let you know the web site?

shef