[Faulkner99]

I almost journaled this (and I still might), but wanted to post it here to get some feedback. We were in the elevator this weekend going into the local Target. It was me, the baby, the baby's dad, my dad, and about five other people. DH was holding the baby. A couple of women were cooing and making faces with the baby, who was being his usual ham self. One of the women kept talking about how cute he was, and the other said, "He looks mixed." Then she looked to me and raised an eyebrow, so I said, "Yes, he's biracial." Of course, rather than smile, or say nothing, she said, "How'd that happen since neither of you two is black?" She was almost accusatory, and the other woman, said, "Ooooh!" and laughed as if to imply I cheated and conceived someone else's child. Elevator doors open. I said, "He's adopted," and smiled. The women then seemed pleased and happy, and we all walked out onto our floor and in our separate ways.

After it happened, I could have kicked myself. First of all, this is the first time anyone has commented on his appearance. I'm middle eastern and the baby's dad is half Mexican, so we're both pretty dark. We look like we very well could be his biological parents, and frankly, even though we're not keeping his adoption any kind of secret, I just don't think it's the business of every person we run into in public. Also, he may have been too young to comprehend what happened, but if that happens when he's older, I don't want him to get ONE INKLING of the idea that he's not our child in every meaningful way. I don't need complete strangers to undermine his confidence.

I was pretty offended at the entire line of questioning, but was restrained and polite. I wanted to rip the woman's hair out and kick her in the face. Even at this age, I'm always talking to my son about how wonderful he is, how he is African American and Black and how he should be proud of such a rich heritage, that he is the best of both worlds. I imagine even with all of that, it might only take one comment from another person to start the path of self doubt or self loathing, and I won't stand for that.

How to handle this in the future, if it happens again? I don't understand why strangers feel as though they can engage into a dialogue with other strangers about parentage this way. Am I overreacting? How can I handle this next time that doesn't either end in me hating myself for how I handled the situation or me physically hurting someone?

[Linny]

We've adopted several children/babies.......two of which are Asian (now grown), two are AA (still pre-schoolers).

We've lived in the western mountains in a small resort town while the first two were toddlers. We now live in the very rural area--on a farm-- where I grew up, with the pre-schoolers. It's predominately white, with a college town about 10 miles away. Dh and I are 'seemingly CC' (I always say this, because there is no pure race anymore...)

So, with this, I'd tell you to get used to this kind of ridiculous behavior. It's aggravating, I fully agree. It's ignorant too; but I usually find a way to use this type of ignorance and sometimes, even arrogance, to 'nicely educate' these people about adoption and just how stupid they really are. Make sense?
I might have said to these ladies, "Mixed? What would you mean by this?"
Ohhhhhh. Well, not that it matters to you, but my baby is adopted, and we're thrilled that he's as beautiful as he is!"

Now, believe me, I often don't think this quickly....but sometimes, the ol' brain DOES kick in. I have found that most of the time, most people don't have a clue as to how stupid they really sound. Most people are genuinely interested in adoption (though, I might doubt it of these people). And frankly, you're going to encounter these kinds of remarks (probably) throughout your babies' life. Much of how he perceives himself, will be built on how YOU see him....and if he hears you making good comments to counter-act the ignorance....if you can keep the communication open to show him that people are going to act this way (no matter what age he is)....then...I think....this will help him build more self-esteem and realize what the world 'is'....as he matures and gets older.

Because, in the end, believe it or not, you'll also hear people make wonderful comments about your son too. (And they'll do this about bio babies too....). For each of these, comes an opportunity to educate him and others about his race, any differences he may feel, and racism, life in general.

I fully believe it just goes along with the territory of transracial adoption..and it's up to us to turn it into something 'good' (or as good as it might be...), or leave the impression for our children to think that any comments are reason to argue, make insults, etc.
True, there are times you'll just have to put your foot down and 'tell someone off'. It happens too. But, I've found these comments to be seldom.....

Hope this helps.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[Faulkner99]

Linny,

Thanks so much for your insight. It really boils my blood now, and you're right, on some level I have to accept that people will just make these comments - and worse. I am going to continue to celebrate my son in every way, and encourage him to be open and curious about adoption, race, ethnicity, and anything else. I think it's MY problem now, and I can handle it. I don't want it to be HIS problem at any point in the future.

Thanks again for your feedback. I know sometimes a vent can be trivial, but it really does help to hear other people's perspective.

[joskimo]

I just wanted to add that although I have no good reply to the lady's in your situation, but I think it's a blessing to get to practice your one-liners now so that when baby is 3 or 4 or so and has an awareness of the conversation, you'll have your answers down pat!

As an aside, my older daughter is bio and multiracial, one day when she was 3 or 4 we were at a store and a clerk commented on her tan - it was summer - then my husband joined us, hahahaha, the clerk's jaw drop was priceless. DH is NA and both DH and DD#1 have a beautiful skin color.

[Faulkner99]

That's hysterical about the tan, Jos. DH and I have half heartedly joked that if anyone comments, one of us will say we are biracial too. It's amazing in this day and age how hung up people can be on such fluid concepts as race and ethnicity, isn't it?

[alwaysus]

Ya know, I might have leaned over and whispered..." My husband is VERY open minded..." Then wiggled my eye brows and walked away.They would have been shocked and it would have served them right.
I dont understand why people think they can ask any personal question that pops into their heads.

Rage .......

[ahimsa]

Great minds think alike...

I would have said "You should see how cute our mailman is" and winked!

I know...it's hard to think of a great smart @ss comment on the spot. My husband has that ability, but not me.

He and my daughter were in the market together. He's 6'7" and she is VERY tall for her age. My husband is obviously CC, my daughter is obviously AA. There was a white woman in line that kept staring at them as if she couldn't figure out what to say. She finally said "My...she's tall for her age." To which my husband said "Well, her mother's tall and I'm 6'7". The woman's jaw dropped open.

Good Luck!

[joskimo]

I had to laugh at both alwaysus and ahimsa - very funny.

I just don't understand people though. I live ina state with a very high rate of adoption, particularly international which is frequently transracial - and when I see these families in the store or whereever - it just never occurs to me ever to think anyone has had an affair, what sort of person's mind would even go there? How small do you have to be for an assumption like that?

[tenderheart80]

I think I would of been in shock and probably would not of thought of anything hateful to say back until after they had already left. People can be really stupid sometimes and not think before speaking. I just think that was so rude of those ladies. Its no one business what race your child is.
I have a brother who is biracial that was adopted at birth. He is apart of our family and we don't look at him as someone who was adopted. He is my brother even if its not by blood. People have made comments about his race before and it just ticked me off!

[Lulu Bug]

My son is still very small, but I had a very similar situation and my answer was "yes, you can imagine how suprised we were when he was born!!" and just smiled and looked at her. She got so uncomfortable.......ha!

It is true that you get to practice your answers while they are too small to understand (but in our case, our older one understands). I always try and use humor, but often will just say "why do you ask?" Turn it back on them. That often makes them think about it and when they have to try and explain themselves, they just drop it.

It is aggrivating though, and annoying, and frustrating, but it is just part of our life now so I don't let it get me too upset.....that will change I am sure when he is old enough to get it.
R

[m.u.m.m.y]

hi in responce to this......... although i have not started the adoption process as yet my family and i are going to adopt internationally and hope to adopt a "coloured" child and i realise that we will have to prepare for these simple minded comments! i grew up with a little pupua new guinean girl who was perfect with her dark skin and tight black ringlet hair! i being the eldest often took her and my white sister (who were the same age) on outtings together and received these silly comments! the girls and i used to make a game of it soemtimes adn i'd say lets pretend that you are twins and if any one asks you tell them and they'd have a laugh and play along even at only three / four years old! other times people would ask if they were on a play date and i'd simply reply that just because their skin was not the same colour that it didn't make them any less related! It makes people aware that you can be just as blunt as them sometimes! Other times if the comments wern't offensive and just a little blunt and inquisitive i'd just smile at them! never give them the satisfaction that they are able to question your love for you child and get you cranky just reply with a smile and a calm voice sorry it's long but it is a very touchy subject for us! i want our child (when we adopt) to be able to be proud of his/her culture and be proud that we are his/her family even though our skin is a different colour


Racism is ignorant and hateful
God's love goes beyond colour

[hotspice58]

alwaysus: I love that answer!! But when this happens, it is a chance to educate people about adoption and fostering. Some people are in their own box and have NO idea of what's going on with other people.

[TickTock]

My husband replied to a nosy waitress.... we have two daughters, 4 months apart. One is very fair the other is mixed........ARE THEY TWINS???? To which my husband replied....... No, We have a VERY OPEN MARRIAGE..... she ran off rather quickly to get the waters......she didn't ask anymore questions..

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by TickTock

My husband replied to a nosy waitress.... we have two daughters, 4 months apart. One is very fair the other is mixed........ARE THEY TWINS???? To which my husband replied....... No, We have a VERY OPEN MARRIAGE..... she ran off rather quickly to get the waters......she didn't ask anymore questions..

When Maire-Kate was a baby, this old lady with a cane saw me pushing her carriage and came hobbling over. Before she even got to us she said "Oh what a beautiful.." and stopped talking.. then she got this strange look on her face. She looked both ways to see if anyone was looking and said "Is the father" and then whispered "black" (as if black is a dirty word.

I said "I dunno. I never met the guy."

[Vogi2002]

Okay, i was just skimming busting up laughing at the comments, and just had to say i laughed so hard at your comment kat!!! LOL, too funny!!

Natalie