[ggman]

I haven't really thought up whitty comebacks yet (as our son is still about 6 months away from arriving home from Haiti) however, a (blond haired , blue-eyed) friend of mine is planning on adopting a girl from China and can't wait to say when asked, "Is her father Chinese?" reply, "No, actually, I looked just like that when I was a baby."

[jewishadoptionblog]

I've found that the best method of dealing with these kinds of situations is to try to think through what I want to say ahead of time - that is, before I even find myself in the scenario. Having been in many of these situations, and continue to face weird, rude or just curious questions, I've come up with replies that I have confidence in, and that I'm comfortable saying in front of my daughter. I'm hoping that she'll pick up on my cues and will be able to deal with her own situations in a similar manner as she gets older.

[bandareed]

My son is biracial (AA/CC) and I am very white. I adopted him when I was 27 and he was 10...so I was a rather young mom when he was in high school. When he began in a new school, it was very common for the kids to say "You're A's mom!?!" with a look of disbelief. I always just smiled innocently and replied in a serious tone, "Yeah, can't you tell; he looks so much like me?" Usually, the poor kid would stand there with his/her mouth hanging open, not knowing how to reply. I figure, anytime you can leave a teenager speechless is a good day.

[Luke Lonestar]

Okay, this is the first thread I perused upon joining this site, and I have to say THANK YOU for the great comments and laughs!


Our son is now 7 months old; he is 3/4 AA and 1/4 Asian (domestic adoption); my wife & I are both CC.

Amazingly, we have already encountered some startlingly ignorant comments; some waitresses at a restaurant were amazed that I was so bonded to this baby, since my wife had *obviously* had an affair.

My wife got so sick of some of the stupid remarks that she has actually said, when ppl ask "how did that happen" about our son being Black and Asian - "OH, well, *I* am Black and my husband is Asian." The jerks then just drop it. I mean, how can you argue with someone who says they are a member of a certain race, even if they don't look anything like it?

I have been worrying about how our son will feel when he is old enough to understand these inane remarks and stupid questions. Guess it's time for us to start practicing our responses.

And I also had to laugh at the old woman who said, "Is the father ... (check to make sure she's not being over heard) *BLACK*??" My MIL said to us, when we were starting the adoption process, "Are y'all sure you want a baby that's ... (make sure no one is listening, then said in a loud stage whisper) BLACK??" I instantly replied, "We're sure that we want a baby that's HEALTHY." Of course she now denies having ever said that, since she lives in an alternate reality, and is now completely smitten with her beautiful grandson.

Glad I found this site!

[HCsMom]

Kat-L that was a priceless response! Hope you don't mind if I use it some time.

To the OP, I understand that you are upset over the comment. I guess that it is a part of life that you get accustomed to when you adopt a child that looks different from you. It's funny....I never wanted to look different from the child we adopted, but now I just look at it as a great way to educate folks on adoption. Another poster summed it up great. In general, people are curious and not trying to be rude. Sometimes, I think that they feel the need (I don't know why) to say something, so they open up and out comes this stupid comment. For the most part, I've only had a rude comment come from a much OLDER person (70's)

What you will find, is that you NOW have the awesome opportunity to talk to so many more folks, most of which are different from you, than you did before you adopted. People who would have never approched you, now feel compelled to talk, ask questions and generally comment on your child.

Best Wishes!

[pugmamma]

yes, you can imagine how suprised we were when he was born!!" and just smiled and looked at her. She got so uncomfortable.......ha!

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is PERFECT!!!!!

[DeeVee]

Y'all are too funny! I wish I could think quickly and come up wih snappy answers. My situation is a variation of y'all's. We have one bio son -- he's three years old -- and are in the process of adopting a girl from Guatemala. My husband is filipino and italian, and he gets all sorts of questions about his ethnic background (no one can figure it out by looking at him -- and why they need to know is beyond me!--; we have a spanish last name, as many filipino people do, so everyone asks, and I'm used to it by now). I have fair skin and dark hair (eastern european heritage). I have been asked, by complete strangers, in the presence of my husband and my bio son (who is obviously old enough to understand), who my son's "real mom" is! Also "did you get him from Pakistan?" and "where in South America is he from?" The questions about my husband's ethnicity never bothered me -- I never really thought about it much, but now that it affects my son, and will affect my daughter, I just don't know what to say to people.

Dee

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by DeeVee

"did you get him from Pakistan?"

I just don't know what to say to people.

Dee

Tell them the truth, say "No, we got him from God". (or "we got him in Detroit" -or whatever city he was born in).

Or if they ask you who his real mom is, ask them about it. Say "Are you saying I'm not real?".

[AwaitingBeloved]

How awful, I don't know why I'm surprised at the rudeness of people, but I am. I understand your concerns about as your child grows and begins to comprehend things, you don't want it to alter his self image or his security in your family. We are having the same concerns for DD, and I don't know how we'll handle it yet, either.

I do think you handled it very well. I also understand your desire to keep his story for him to tell, and not wanting to share it with strangers, as you said, it really is nobody else's business.

I can't believe how some people feel they have the right to know every little thing about every person. You did handle it well. And I think it's a cool idea to journal it. One day, you may want to show your child how you developed into the role he'll come to know you as. I have no doubt that the reply you gave today will be different if you were asked the same thing in a year, or 10 years. We'll evolve into our roles and our kids will benefit from knowing that we did evolve, too.

[TheFoxx]

I've gotten the "is he mixed" remark and said, yes, the sperm and the egg mixed and he was born with a nice glare. I've also gotten "where's he from?" to which I respond NJ.

A girl at our pool was (I think) trying to figure out if our son was adopted. She asked me who I think my son looks more like - I said his father.

It amazes me what information strangers feel they are entitled to.

[HBV]

Originally Posted by The Foxx

It amazes me what information strangers feel they are entitled to.

Exactly my feeling. My favorite response is always a very polite "I can't imagine why that would interest you."

Works beautifully. I have to admit that on my less charitable days I enjoy watching the dawning comprehension of just how rude the question really was.

[slhightower]

Originally Posted by HBV

"I can't imagine why that would interest you."

I really like this response! I've been thinking for some time that I should have shirt made up with all the answer (mostly sarcastic answers) to all the stupid questions I get asked everyday.

--Stephanie
3 sons thru the miracle of adoption!

[tenderheart21]

My dh was pushing our ds in the buggy at the grocery store while I was busy filling it up. An older lady came over to us and asked my dh rather loudly if he was sure he was his. I was so stunned but my dh turned and smiled at the lady and said sure I am and I have the papers to prove it.

Some people have alot of nerve.

Frenchie

[bellazmama]

This weekend, two older women came up to me at different times and asked me if Bella was mixed. UGH! She was off playing, so she didn't hear, but UGH! We were at a friend's daughter's birthday party. I usually answer, "Yes, she's Biracial," just so they know that I don't like that term. I didn't this time, though, because one woman was my friend's mom and the other was a guest's grandmother. I don't know why I wimped out. That's SO not like me! I was mad at myself. . .

Sarah

[tinkerbell11599]

As a mom to my ds who's a small 28 month old child and my dd who's a tall 13 month old, I get the comment "ooh are they twins?" all the time. I haven't been able to come up with a good comment yet about this.

I've also had ds dressed up in boys overalls, shirt, and a bib with I'm the little prince on it. I have gotten the comments from many people "oh what a cute/pretty girl what's HER name?". My response is always "Well I don't know about HER but HIS name is Ryan Christopher and HE's Momma's little boy". People see Asian and assume China so they assume GIRL!!! When I take my dd out and put her in a playdress with pants underneath, I have gotten "what a handsome boy". I really want to ask them who are they seeing because I don't see anybody there that is that particular sex. Anybody else experience this??

Jen