[singlemommy]

I'm a single, white woman waiting to adopt two children from foster care. I don't have any children placed with me yet, but am at the point of waiting for the phone call. I said that I was open to any race. Through training, licensing, etc have had many conversations about adopting children of color. I know that I will have to spend a lot of time learning about a new culture, making sure the children are part of their culture and so on.

I'm assuming that I don't need to go into details about the questions around "should I let a child stay in foster care or be placed with a family of a different race" as people here already know where I'm coming from. (I'm open to ANY questions though).

I just attended a 3 day workshop on Undoing Racism and my thoughts have shifted again. Mostly because I really saw how important it is for children to experience their culture.

Sorry, I'm finally at my question. Do I, as a white woman, adopt children of color? I was so sure I could make it work, but now I'm having doubts that I'll be able to give the children the life they deserve.

I also think about "what if they're with a white family now and never get adopted by someone of their own race". I'm open to any questions or comments but please be respectful. I know this can be a sensitive topic.

(This has probably been posted somewhere but I couldn't find anything)

[mallory4]

Singlemommy, this topic has been discussed several times and I think you will find that even among those who feel it is great for white people to adopt black kids, their reasons for thinking it is great are different.

Some folks point out, like you did, that any child of color YOU don't adopt is not guaranteed a home in the birth culture--the child may go on to be adopted by white folks who are just as commited as you or less commited than you to exposing the child to black culture--there are no guarantees.

Other people, and I am one of them, think that a home where the parent models acceptance of all kinds of people, and works to understand the oppression of all kinds of people, and where the child is supported as an individual--including but certainly not limited to their racial identity--is the best home for any child, regardless of color.

I am not familiar with the workshop you took, but unless they have some amazing new studies showing that black kids adopted by white people end up unhappier than black kids adopted by black people, I can't imagine changing my perspective.

The whole notion that there is one single homogenous black culture and only a black family can expose a child to it enough to create a healthy, whole person, just doesn't make any sense to me--or to my dh who is black.

He is a great source of information about how diverse the black community and experience is, and about the many ways that racial self-loathing is passed on in aa culture.

So, it just depends on what you want as a parent. Raising black kids won't be the same as raising white ones in a lot of ways, and whether you want to be involved in those differences is up to you.

I have 3 biracial bio daughters, and one 2 year old biracial boy we are adopting from foster care. We live in a large city, where there are hundreds of murders a year and most of them are committed by young men of color, killing other young black men--and the question that pops into my mind on almost a daily basis as I drive through our city is: How am I going to prepare him for a life where so many people are afraid of him? How do I get the target off his back? What can I do to make sure he isn't a victim of that violence, and how do I prepare him for a decade or two of encounters with people who assume he is part of that "problem" until he proves otherwise?

That is a part of parenting that I wouldn't be faced with if my kids were white.

So, I think your best guide will be your own thoughts about what kind of journey you want to go on.

[joskimo]

I just wanted to add that it's good to have these doubts because it makes you really think the process through and gives you time to consider what it means to your child....the fact that you care I think is a sign that you will care to help your child(ren) in the ways that you can to be connected to his/her heritage.

My dh and I were very open to race, but when we were matched we had a moment of panic as to whether this was the right thing for her. We knew it was right for us, but we were concerned that we would do her a disservice by adopting out of race. So we do what we can to be inclusive, we seek out situtions for exposure, books and toys that are reflective of her heritage, celebrate cultural holidays, and educate ourselves. I"ll tell you we had the most pitiful Kwanzaa, but I'm sure we'll get better each year

First and foremost we love and adore our daughter (okay, we love both of them), part of having children of different races is honoring that which makes them special and different.

[LisaCA]

I'd read as much as I could to be prepared and to ask yourself if this could work for you. it doesn't work for everyone-love is not enough, there are other things you must commit to. the goal is to raise black children that can relate to other black children.

here's a website with a ton of info on transracial adoption (www.pactadopt.org).

I think that there is a need to ask yourself a number of questions such as whether you have black friends now, if not, why not? Are there blacks in your neighborhood? If not, why not, and why did you pick this neighborhood? And so on. best to do much of this selfexamination now, imho. good luck!

Lisa

[chanibelle]

I was just reading an article about a white woman with dwarfism being turned down to adopt a black child with dwarfism.( I'm a black woman who is adopting a white child.) They turned this woman down, b/c she doesnt live in a diverse enough community. Heck, I don't live in what I consider a diverse enough community! I'm not part of the "black community" and I wonder would these questions be posed to me if I were adopting a black child? Social workers just assume, by being black you have a vast network of other black people in your area. I was raised by a white parent, was my parent qualified to raise me? I know that social workers really want to place black children in black homes,but don't you think its more important to place children of any race in good homes? Yes, be aware of the culture, yes, find good role models for your child.Be it ANY race.

I'm pretty sure when people adopt from China, no social worker asks them," Are you part of the Chinese community? Do you have Chinese friends? Can you do Chinese hair?" lol ( had to throw that one in)
Probably the answer is no, BUT they are part of an adoption community!

[kelleymac]

Actually, my experience in adopting internationally is that agencies DO ask these questions about trans-cultural/transracial adoption. They want to ensure that parents (often white) are ready for the realities of parenting a child of another race.

Just wanted to dispel that myth.

Kelley

[JoEvans]

Ever seen that movie, "Losing Issiah"?

I seen that on lifetime yesterday. And I thought about that movie when I read your post.

In my point of view, I don't think color should be an issue.
Black, white, purple ect. I think, reguardless of color, anyone can be a parent.

Just like I tell my daughters, color doesn't matter. Even if they decided to marry "Barney", (the purple dinosour), whom I despise, if the man makes them happy, then that is all I want!

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by JoEvans

Just like I tell my daughters, color doesn't matter. Even if they decided to marry "Barney", (the purple dinosour), whom I despise, if the man makes them happy, then that is all I want!

To me color doesn't matter...but it's not just color we're talking about is it? We're talking about culture, history, etc. So, in the real world, bottom line, is that yes, color and all that goes with it (culture, etc) does matter.

[JoEvans]

Originally Posted by FH-taramayrn

To me color doesn't matter...but it's not just color we're talking about is it? We're talking about culture, history, etc. So, in the real world, bottom line, is that yes, color and all that goes with it (culture, etc) does matter.

Yes, Maam, just like the Lawyer said in the movie, "Loosing Issiah". But earlier, I was just voiceing my opinion.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by JoEvans

Yes, Maam, just like the Lawyer said in the movie, "Loosing Issiah". But earlier, I was just voiceing my opinion.

Oh I know, I was just saying...

[JoEvans]

It's all good.

[chanibelle]

I also agree learning the culture is very important when raising a child of color or a child not born in this country or is or is not of color. There are many resources availiable should you decide to do this. Even if you can't physically move, there are heritage camps for so many kids out there. I think just keeping an open dialog about your child's birth country is important. I'm still learning about my culture every day.

[ahimsa]

Originally Posted by JoEvans

Just like I tell my daughters, color doesn't matter.

This is a great idea...in theory...but in our society...color matters...BIG TIME! Ask anyone who is not white if society feels that color doesn't matter. I think one of the most important things to consider before transracially adopting is that (A) your child WILL experience racism throughout their life and you will have to help them navigate through that and (B) your family, by being multiracial, is now a minority in society and will be viewed as such.

I have a great list of articles on transracial adoption that I'll add later...it's bookmarked on my work computer.

It is a big decision to make. My husband and I are CC and adopted two AA children 15 months ago. There are still moments where I feel a sense of panic like "Wow...are we going to do this right? Are we going to be able to provide them with both the ethnic pride and the emotional armor they need to manage in our society."

It can be a scary, but also a very wonderful journey. I love being part of a a multicultural family and wouldn't have it any other way. Just make sure you have a supportive community and circle to help you.

Best of luck to you!

[bjolly]

it's good that you're giving serious thought to this. I think it's important to realize that by adopting a child of color from the foster care system, you aren't taking that child *away* from a family of their own race. There's no guarantee they would be adopted by someone of their race if you didn't adopt them. In fact, there's no guarantee they'd be adopted at all. My partner and I adopted a 9 year old AA girl from foster care last year. From my experience as a social worker, I can tell you that odds were against her being adopted at all. Because she was older, and most people want very young kids, and because she is AA. Our caseworker told us later that another worker actually palmed the case off on her because "that kid is going to be impossible to place."

In a perfect world, our daughter would have a family of her own race. Actually, in a perfect world her birthmom would have been able to care for her and there'd be no foster care. But you have to look at all the elements of a family in deciding if they're the right one for a child, not just their race. And in our case, lucky for us, the caseworker felt that we were the right family for our girl. We try to give her all that she needs. We live in a diverse community and she has friends and role models of her own race.

We love her more than I could possibly have imagined I could love anyone, and she's the most wonderful kid in the world.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[divame]

I find it disappointing that a white woman HAS to adopt a black child. I am a black woman and my husband is also black and naturally all of our children. I don't think a child can truly flourish and appreciate their culture in a home that obviously belongs to another culture. When mommy and daddy don't look like me, don't have the same hair type as me, don't have the same skin problems as me, even look different physically than me, it is going to create an issue.

Furthermore, as one of the responses wrote to your reply, she is a white mother with naturally biracial children and all she can focus on is the negative that the black side of her child's heritage is doing, nothing about the positives of black contributions was ever stated. She's concerned about getting the target off of her son's back and hoping that she can keep "other" people (probably white) from fearing her child because of his mixed race.

This is absolutely appalling to me! Not one time did she mention the vast areas of negative that surround the white culture to her family. What about the numerous amount of white men that molest younger boys, or the serial killers that are white that target and destroy other whites, or the array of white people that won't let her biracial son/daughter into position of power in their company without first weighing the risks of presenting a "face of color" as the company's spokesperson, president or sounding board?

These are just SOME of the many reasons why whites should not adopt blacks and why interracial marriages should think twice about having biological children.

It takes more than love to raise a child and I applaud the fact that nobody wants a child to stay in an unsafe environment no matter what color they are, but I think more of an effort and awareness needs to be marketed to the black community for help in taking care of and nurturing their own. And even a biracial couple cannot give that child stability or identity within both races equally. The child will always feel off balanced as if they belong more to one race than to another. Depending on how white the spouse is or how black the other is, the stronger mind of one spouse will win and that household will be run predominately black or predominately white.

Now, having said all of that, I have several children of my own but plan to take on several more but they will absolutely be children of color. I would be doing a caucasian child an injustice by taking them into my culturally focused home raised with mainly blacks. What would my "white daughter" say when I taught black history???? She would be extremely uncomfortable spending weeks on that subject, however schools teach white history to blacks all day long with no thought of the effects on them.

Lastly, I would just like to say that I am simply stating my opinion and that in no way, shape or form am I insinuating that all of you who have biracial children are doomed or have adopted children of other races. What I am trying to present is that you, as a parent, will face a much larger responsibility to finding out and seeking children, role models, adult support, focus groups, etc for the race of the child you choose to adopt or birth. Especially if you have never been a mother, it is difficult enough with a child in your own race. Let alone taking on the additional challenges of a race that you will never be fully able to be a part of.

My question to you is: What happens when the going get's tough? What will you do when your white friends and neighbors won't let their children play with your bundle of joy? What will you do when the, "all american school" that you send your child to, sends them home everyday crying about being racial targets and jokes and how will you handle the overflow of looks, snoots and snarls that will come your way from both races and what will you tell your child when the black families won't accept your child to be friends with theirs because of the color of your skin? Will you have this same fight in you in several years, or will you give up on your child's culture and assume the easier position of allowing that child to adopt yours?

Divame