[traceyk]

It would be great if a study was done on adult adoptees who were raised by CC only families to see what their take on growing up was like. As far as loss, I would think the loss would be more severe of a child bounced around in fostercare who never had any permanent roots than a child not being raised by a forever family that is the same race. But then again, I very well may be wrong. JMO. I think we are all in agreeance (sp?) that finding a healthy, happy, supportive and loving family is most important

[Sleeplvr]

I had my reality check with my first foster child. He was not going into what I thought was the best family situation and I complained about how he was better off with us. DH's insightful and big mouth best friend said he was better off with bio family and explained why. I got it. It was hard to hear but he was right. We were not the 1st or 2nd best option for that child. Now that I've got it, it's easier to take. It's about what's best for the child. It doesn't mean you can't be a good parent.

All the torture that the foster care system has inflicted on me has paid off by helping me grow as a person. I was dragged kicking and screaming into this growth but I'm there now.

[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by joskimo

No offense to foster care, but do you deem that as a better situation then being placed with a loving family prepared to make a lifelong committment to a child? All things are not equal. We were selected by H's bmom, would she have selected an AA family instead? Perhaps, but with the agency we used, there were no AA families. None.

Jos, often there are waiting lists of aa adoptive families willing to accept foster-adopt placements. That may not be true in the area where you live, but it's not uncommon. So turning a child over to foster care does not mean that he/she will not get a permanent home or that it won't happen quickly. I don't think foster care is, on the whole, better than a permanent placment, but I do think there are institutional reasons why there are so few aa families, hispanic families, etc. available for pbmoms to choose from among most traditional agencies. http://www.nysccc.org/T-Rarts/Barriers.html

Tracy, there have also been studies done on this subject...I'll include one article; you're welcome to email the author for her resources. I'm sorry that some of you are hurt by this idea, tho. It's not new.

http://www.chswpirc.org/scripts/Nort...?ArticleID=354

[BeckyS]

Tracey, there have been studies done & a book with of interviews with the adult adoptees themselves. The book is In Their Own Voices and the whole front end of the book provides information/outcome of various studies done in different years.
I think it's a valuable read. The results from the provided studies are very encouraging and while all data collectors have their own agenda, these studies were not all from the same source.
I guess I don't see the point behind labeling myself as the 1st, last, or somewhere in betwen option for my kids.
I am what I am & they got me....for better or worse. I tend to be a realist with an optimistic side. Most of us have times in our lives where we think things would have been better 'IF ONLY'...if only I could've stayed with my bfamily, if only my parents understood me better, if only I grew up in a two parent home. The list goes on forever, the best we can do is try to understand, love & support our kids, educate ourselves on what we can do to help them to be happy adults - is that really all that different that what any parent should do?
One fault that seems to be represented overwhelmingly in adoptive parents (IMO) is that a lot of families seem to be constantly seeking approval of their own family. Approval of their adoptive status from mainstream America, approval from whatever 'insert race here' society, if their child happens to be of that race & the ap's are not. I get it, it's nice to be supported & have approval but should people really hold that prize so tight that it's going to affect their own & their family's self esteem & sense of family if they feel that it's threatened?
So, some people don't think you should be raising your kids....why do you give them more credibility than you give yourself for thinking you should? --- this is not directed at any posters on this thread....those people are simply wrong

[Sleeplvr]

Thanks for catching that one Sneezy I missed it. I never said a child should sit in foster care to wait for a same race family. That would be just crazy.

[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Now I know this always gets other adoptive parents upset but ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL I think it is best for kids to stay in their family of origin if possible, to stay connected to their community of origin if possible, to retain their language of birth if possible, to retain their culture of birth if possible. BUT once I was chosen to be their mother - that was IT. They were my kids. Not all things were "equal" and we were (and ARE) the best available option for our boys. No, its not ideal, but not a whole lot about adoption is "ideal" all the time.

I couldn't agree more. The best option for dd would absolutely be for her to have been raised by her bmom. I think she'd have had an equally fantastic experience with her extended bfamily. H and I fall somewhere down the list, but we're still great parents. We love her, she loves us. This is the family we've got and that's OK.

[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by BeckyS

The book is In Their Own Voices and the whole front end of the book provides information/outcome of various studies done in different years.

...I guess I don't see the point behind labeling myself as the 1st, last, or somewhere in betwen option for my kids. I am what I am & they got me....for better or worse.

That is a great read, isn't it?? It's one of the first things I read at Barnes and Noble...

I don't typically label myself as the runner up either. In the back of my mind tho, I feel it, mostly b/c I know dd may feel that way someday - why weren't options a, b or c employed?? and I want to be emotionally prepared to address it. I do have answers for dd, but who knows whether they will ever be good enough.

As for seeking approval, I rarely do that here . But as an adolescent, I wanted nothing more than to fit in with black people. I didn't, tho - at least, not initially b/c I was raised with a color-blind mentality. I had to work really hard to overcome my discomfort with being black after it became painfully obvious that no other culture was going to accept my confused butt either . The experienced soured me - I admit that. I got to the point where it was like, OK, everyone else sees me as black (or their definition of black), might as well join the club so I can get some of the benefits along with the crappy consequences. Fortunately, I had a whole family full of similarly confused people to turn to for support - and another whole family waiting to say I told you so, and both had their arms outstretched.

[Sleeplvr]

Sneezy
Both of the links you provided were excellent. I want to encourage everyone to read them when you get a chance.

I don't think anyone is anti-transracial adoption on this thread...well.. maybe one... this is not putting down your parenting skills but looking at the possibility of you having different life experiences and what might be in the best interest of the child not the adult.

[Conchito1213]

Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Bio. kids aren't guaranteed to fit in with thier culture either. I have a half Puerto Rican cousin who looks very Hispanic but was raised by her white mom, so she only relates to being white.
2. There are growing #s of racially mixed families, which can help you as your child grows to find other families who look like yours.
3. A child you adopt who is the same race as you most likely still doesn't have the same birth culture - bio parents may be a different religion, have different traditions, etc. Obviously this is more of an issue for racially mixed families because everybody can SEE the difference...but don't feel that you're neccesarily ripping a child away from his/her culture - it's up to adoptive parents to preserve whatever culture thier kids came from, no matter what race the kids are.
4. There are white moms and dads who have successfully raised black/biracial kids to be happy, healthy, well adjusted, and who feel that they are a part of the African American community. It can be done!

This issue is close to my heart, so I hate to see people feeling discouraged. Don't let anybody tell you it would be easy, but if you feel like it's something you're meant to do and you know you're strong enough to be a tough mama, then don't give up!

[Sleeplvr]

Originally Posted by Conchito1213

4. There are white moms and dads who have successfully raised black/biracial kids to be happy, healthy, well adjusted, and who feel that they are a part of the African American community. It can be done!

I know people who have done this and it can be done.

[traceyk]

Well, my bottom line is I love the beejeebers out of Drihan and I ain't giving her back *LOL* That was a joke just in case someone got offended

[sneezyone]

Naaaaaww. No offense taken at all, none intended here either. You'd have to seriously whip my butt to nab my munchy!

[Jensboys]

LOL me too ... times two, cause I am not giving up EITHER kiddo

Jen

[Lexie]

Originally Posted by BeckyS

I guess I don't see the point behind labeling myself as the 1st, last, or somewhere in betwen option for my kids.
I am what I am & they got me....for better or worse. I tend to be a realist with an optimistic side. Most of us have times in our lives where we think things would have been better 'IF ONLY'...

I think this is a very good point. While I agree that all things being equal---a child will experience a loss if it is raised outside of its family/race/culture/religion/ethnicity/country of origin
Things are never equal. I have 2 friends that are transracial adoptees ( certainly not a statistically significant sample). They have different experiences. One is terribly bitter about her adoption and is not close to her aparents. The other was adopted from foster care and knows that her bmother was unable to care for her and could see that for herself. She was very happy to be adopted by her family and although she felt a cultural loss ( I was her first AA friend, so I know what she did not know about being Black) she would stand up in a minute and say that she is very very happy with her family and her upbringing. Ironically, the first friend was raised in a large diverse city and the second friend grew up in a rural area with absolutely no AAs around.

[BethanyB]

Hey everyone! I know I'm getting in late here but I have two very needy babies at home and have not been on the forums in a while.

I respect and have gotten to know many people who have posted on this thread but I want to share my opinion on the topic.

I'm with Red and the others on this thread who do not feel that we are second best parents to our children because of race or any other reason for that matter. I don't feel my kids would be better off with their bmom and the state agrees with me obviously because they terminated her rights. They would probably lead a very disfunctional life and would probably be neglected or worse.

I also don't feel that a black adoptive home would be more suitable than my home. I see how much my kids love me and I know how much I love them. I have many black friends and neighbors who all support what I'm doing and love my children. I am single and could very well marry a black man in the future. Who knows? You do have to do more than just love your transracially adopted children (such as exposing them to their culture, and making sure they know black people and have black role models) BUT the love that you have for your kids and the love they have for you should shine through everything.

And when I say that I don't feel a black adopted family is MORE suitable - I don't mean that I can parent better than black parents. I don't mean that at ALL! I think we all know that there are good and bad in every race. To say that one race of people parent better than another race is just crazy!!!

I think a loving different race family is better than being a foster child or staying in a neglecful birth family situation. (I say that because that is what my children would have been in if they had not taken their bmoms rights away.)

I understand that are always going to be people (black and white) who disagree with me on this but I think my kids have a great mom (ME!) who loves them and that they are exactly where they should be. In my loving arms! I am not second rate or second best parent.
JMO!

-Oh, and I believe (but am not positive) that the book In Their Own Voices are stories from people who grew up in a much different time in the US. A time where race relations were much worse than they are now. I would like to hear the stories of transracial adoptees who are growing up in todays world. And I'm not saying that racism does not exist now because it does! But nowadays, our young people are much more open to race and interacial dating. I would love to see a more up to date book on the issue.