[redhedded]

It is the responsibility of every parent to try to instill in their child a sense of pride about themselves...a as a human, as a male/female, as a daughter/son, as a aa/cc/asian/latino,etc.,...and to act as a support when that pride, that sense of self-worth, gets bruised and battered.

Race is not the sole determination of identity.

Crina, I appreciate this immensely. I agree that in a perfect world children remain with their first mothers; however, that is where the necessity ends for me. I am a great mother; I provide unconditional love, support, emotional and spiritual strength, fun and laughter, an example, opportunity for individuality and creativity every day.

I do not believe that my AA daughter would be best suited by an AA family, just because they "resemble" her. I am perfectly suited, as one who never tires of incessant questions about the human body and solar system and one who has boundless physical energy, to parent a profoundly gifted three year old.

As a diligent, conscientious record keeping mama who loves noise, early banging and raucuous laughter, I am the perfect mama for my bongo loving, incessantly laughing son who needed his pulse taken 5 times a day, medication every 6 hours on schedule and exposed him to a set of drums before he was 9 months.

I am never surprised at things that people will say, so no one should be surprised to hear me say that I am the luckiest mom in the world to the two greatest kids, whom I am perfectly suited to parent.

[Linny]

Well put, red! Sneezy.....you have expressed what I meant. (Though, perhaps it wasn't too clear.)

My point is that 'being Black' does not mean that one can do or be just 'those things'. I think it goes further than that. Just because a child can fit in certain environments, does not guarantee that s/he will be happy, content and successful in their life. I fully believe (as Crina and red do too) that 'race' is not the full scope. That 'looking like my parents' does not instantly make for a seamless transition into adulthood.

We've not 'been there, done that' with our AA babies; but we have BTDT with the other babies of color. Is being Asian, the same as being AA? No; and I'm not about to say it is....but some of the same people that have stereotyped my first two, will indeed, do the same with my youngest two. How these girls grow up, will more often than not, be determined with how well we establish pride and knowledge within them. And, most importantly, make them feel that we have been there/are there for them. Can we/will we be able to relate to everything they experience? No. But, there are many more things in life, and you cannot leave out the rest of the story (values, self-worth, etc)......and focus only on 'sameness of skin tone'.

My babies are Black American. Period. We are 'seemingly CC'. And, together, ...along with their Asian sister/brother and CC brothers, we are family. I don't think that's bad; and I think the OP who worried that she should not adopt children of color, should focus on how she intends to parent and love that child....more than simply thinking she is not the same color as s/he may be.

Sincerely,

Linny

[sneezyone]

I agree that race is not the sole determinant of identity by any stretch. But do believe that same race placements for children of color are preferable to transracial ones - not because I think there's something wrong with interracial families, but because of all the commentary I've read from very happy and healthy transracial adoptees about their preferences. Based on what they've said, I believe that there are intangible benefits that come from same-race placements, beyond any superficial skin-tone resemblance.

OK so just to be clear, my intention in saying this is not to denigrates those of you who've stepped up to parent a different-race child or to suggest that transracial adoption presents insurmountable obstacles. I don't think that at all. All of us are great parents for our children; we do the best we can and have very special things to offer. I just think that there really are additional losses for transracial adoptees and we should at least acknowledge that.

[redhedded]

You know, sometimes life, with biological parents who love but have limits, means loss, as reported over and over by my gay/lesbian friends whose parents did/do not support them, cannot accept them and do not recognize who they are or their partners existence. Sometimes life means loss in many many forms. I don't for a moment deny the significance of race but also just as strongly respect a basic personality of a child, a creativity and an individuality, which I believe is more relevant than race.

I think much greater loss is a creative, open and curious child being raised in a stiffling, narrow minded and judgmental household or a happy and optimistic child being raised in a negative and overly pessimistic one. And my list goes on and on.

[sneezyone]

That's just it red...

Having a same race placement does not mean that a creative, open and curious child will be raised in a stiffling, narrow minded and judgmental household or that a happy and optimistic child will be raised in a negative and overly pessimistic one. Those variables still exist. It means simply means that a child might avoid yet another potential loss.

I hope that you're right, that the basic personality of a child is more important than race, I really do. As a black woman in the U.S., I don't believe it (feel it in my heart), but I wish it to be so. This latest generation of adoptees will test all of the current thinking in ways I don't think any of us can fully appreciate now. Who knows what they will say.

[Casey677]

Originally Posted by sneezyone

I just think that there really are additional losses for transracial adoptees and we should at least acknowledge that.

I agree with that statement completely. As a mom, I am prepared to face that. But at the same time, I feel that it is not an obstacle too big to hurdle. My daughter is biracial. Her birthmom chose us. She was presented other profiles, including ones of black and interracial couples. She still chose us. Something about us stood out to her.

Picture the following example: Her birthmom is now married. If she had decided to parent instead of placing dd, dd would still be living in a CC home as a biracial baby. However, I can't imagine anyone telling M that she can't properly raise dd because she is biracial... after all, biologically she is her daughter. Why, as adoptive parents do we get faced with those questions? This is not a decision that any of us made lightly.

[LisaCA]

yes, but adoption is about choosing that loss. Most of the other situations mentioned weren't really about choice.

to say that transracial placements inherently carry some sort of loss is not to say that they are any less loving households, or that this set of parents is not better equipped to deal with a child's creativity. I think it's about accepting that loss. It's about accepting that loss, just like we do with adoption.

[sneezyone]

I'm certainly not suggesting that transracial adoptees can't be raised properly by their parents. But I'd point out Casey, that there are many biracial children who've been raised in all white households (where bio parent remarried etc.) who have some of the same problems transracial adoptees have had (particularly when they have not been raised with or around their minority relatives).

In a lot of ways, I think transracial adoptive parents are more attuned to these issues than some bio parents. As an example, my half sister's mom was Mexican. She and my dad had three children together, then my pseudo-stepmom had a child with a white guy, then later married a latin guy. Of course, it was the white-looking child that everyone always assumed was adopted and it was tough on the child to be singled out that way or to identify herself as anything other than a minority (even tho no one else saw her that way), so it does work both ways.

[Sleeplvr]

Originally Posted by Casey677

Picture the following example: Her birthmom is now married. If she had decided to parent instead of placing dd, dd would still be living in a CC home as a biracial baby. However, I can't imagine anyone telling M that she can't properly raise dd because she is biracial... after all, biologically she is her daughter. Why, as adoptive parents do we get faced with those questions? This is not a decision that any of us made lightly.

My stepson is biracial and I will say that his mom is not raising him properly even though she has married another black man. My stepson told us that he feels uncomfortable around black people among some other things that DH and I find offensive or hurtful. I am baffled as to how someone who has black people in the house is not comfortable around them. His mom is the only CC person in the house. Even though his mom is married to a black man she chooses to not allow him to have friends of color or even date an AA or biracial girl. He's 16 and is having a difficult time socially because of the restrictions she places on his social life. When DH calls her on it she always denies it but it's clear to us by the comments she makes regarding young black people his age. I don’t know which are worse the comments about AA teenage boys or girls. The comments she has made about AA girls were stereotypical and totally unfounded. You would think someone else biracial would be okay with her but they are not. No one has measured up to her standard of biracial in appearance. She made some rude comments in front of our first foster child who was biracial. He didn't look biracial to her.
It’s okay for his mom to date and marry black but not her kids. I don’t know if she's thinking of the future and doesn't want grandkids that are obviously black or is she subconsciously trying to keep her kids from making what she views as a mistake. Who knows because DH can’t ever seem to get to the bottom of it. We do know how she was raised and dating & socializing black was a no-no and most people tend to revert to how they were raised. Maybe that’s the issue. DH has never had much to say about who his son interacts with as long as the person is good and decent. We don’t care about the color but when color is part of the criteria for determining whether someone is good or decent that is a problem.

I don't think adoptive parents are the only ones under scrutiny it's just that bio parents are free to do as they please because the child is bio. Because you have adopted there is the appearance of extra restrictions or scrutiny.

DH’s has several cousins who are married to CC women and they are doing an awesome job because the kids are comfortable with either side of the family. The only difference one child noted was that white grandma let her jump on the sofa and black grandma didn’t.

[Casey677]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

I don't think adoptive parents are the only ones under scrutiny it's just that bio parents are free to do as they please because the child is bio. Because you have adopted there is the appearance of extra restrictions or scrutiny.

I guess its the appearance of extra scrutiny that really bothers me. My husband and I have had two negative remarks about adopting a biracial baby- both were made by AA women. We have had 4 AA men tell us how they wished more families were doing the same. I told them to come here I just wonder why there appears to be a discrepency there..... I don't know. Maybe it is just who we ran into on a given day.

Sleep, I truly cannot believe that. I have always hated the do as I say and not as I do attitude, but that is just beyond bizzare.

[LisaCA]

just like not all white people think transracial adoption is "great", not all black folks do (though the reasons are probably different). Some AA folks are just not so thrilled with it (worry if children are being raised "properly" with a healthy view of being black, etc). It's just the way it goes. Hopefully people will keep their opinions to themselves, but given the fact that most of this country speaks first and never get around to thinking, that's a pipe dream.

[LisaCA]

that extra scrutiny will give you a great taste of what it's like to be black in the US. We are often under scrutiny, having our every move watched and interpreted, often incorrectly. Just yesterday I was out playing with dd and hiding behind a tree. The look the cop who drove by gave me was nothing short of a perp scan. yes, it would be great to have it disappear, but that's just part of life. Adopting transracially makes you conspicuous, no matter what.

[Casey677]

Lisa, your posts always make me laugh. My dh calls it diarrhea of the mouth

ETA: First post, second one wasn't funny at all and it is really unfair...

[mamacrina]

I just think that there really are additional losses for transracial adoptees and we should at least acknowledge that..

Acknowledged.

...BUT...

Just as not all black folks think or feel alike, not all adoptees do either. It depends on who you ask. My friend who is a biracial adoptee with CC parents speaks of no such losses. I've asked. We talked about her life growing up-she was/is happy and healthy.

Another friend, male, biracial(not adopted, but was raised by CC mom and AA step-dad), does feel that if he'd been solely black, it would've been easier for him in the black world, but says that easier is not always better. He tells me that he has the benefit of seeing the world through a couple different lenses instead of just one.

Again, I'm not saying that losses don't exist. They do. And it's important that adoptive parents are aware of them before choosing to adopt transracially. But just because they exist, doesn't mean one has to feel them.

[sneezyone]

Oh don't get me wrong...

Half my cousins are bi-racial and interracial couples ABOUND in my family. Even dd is bi-racial we just don't make that distinction IRL.

I've seen it go down both ways. My mom's side sort of emphasizes the bi-racial-ness of progeny and has a race-neutral approach to life, my dad's side says 'all them curly-haired babies are black' and is decidedly not neutral. Both sides produce happy and healthy children - but there are things missing with my "bi-racial" cousins that I don't see with the plain 'ol "black" ones - and it isn't skin pigment, KWIM?

I don't think those losses are definitive for everyone and the missing parts can always be cultivated later (if one sees value in that and chooses to do so - some don't). It just tends to be a very painful process, at least it was for me and both my parents were black (although DH says my mom doesn't count) . Of course, it was my mom's sharing her difficult journey to fit in with the black community that helped me cope. You just never know what you're gonna get, no?

Again, I don't think transracial adoption is bad, or evil, or ought to be stopped or any of those things. I do think tho, that all things being equal, a same race placement would be better.

Sorda OT... a neighbor of mine was discussing adoption with me the other day and (she's white and married to a guy who's half black and half-white) anyway, when I said, dd is biracial you should have seen the look on her face - like I was lying or something. She said, "Oh, you must mean her dad was really light b/c her hair's not like my daughter's and her skin's the same as yours" "Umm, no. I meant what I said. Biracial children can take their hair texture from either parent and dd got hers from her bmom who is darker than me." Ya could've heard a pin drop. "Oh." she said, "my DH has black hair too." Nitwit.