[divame]

By the way, this is an ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS little girl. She should definitely be in pictures!

divame

[mallory4]

Divame,

I don't think you read my post very carefully. I was making the point that no matter how positively we as white people may feel about adopting black kids and our ability to prepare them to participate in American society as black people, parenting black children isn't just about our acceptance, and will involve preparing ourselves for issues that are different than if we were raising white kids.

My concern is not that white people will be afraid of my child--in this city, both white and black people will be afraid of him--and I don't care about them at all. I do care about my son.

My concern is that his self-image and his emotional well-being will be affected when he is old enough to realize that he has that effect on people, despite having done nothing to deserve it. It is his feelings I am worried about, and his safety--not the feelings of white people.

Do you believe that black kids are not hurt when they become aware of the negative stereotypes of aa people in our country? Do you think it doesn't bother them to be regarded with fear?

As for why I didn't mention crimes committed by white killers, why on earth would I have? I wasn't presenting an argument that black people are more likely to be criminals, I was talking about a measurable fact that in the city where I live there are hundreds of murders committed every year by young men of color and since my son is going to be a young man of color living in this city, I will have to think about that fact in ways that I would not if I were parenting white kids.

The fact that most serial killers are white has nothing to do with preparing my son for adult life, and has nothing to do with the original poster asking about things to consider when contemplating adopting black children.

Maybe where you live, people see a young black man walking down the street toward them and think of Theo Huxtable, so you can rest easy knowing that your son will not have to negotiate other people's negative stereotyping and potential reactions.

Where I live, people--black and white-- see a young black man walking toward them and often think of the daily news coverage of young black men shooting people in this city. I can't send my child out in the world expecting that people will assume he's Theo Huxtable, or I won't be doing my job as a parent.

I would assume that any white person adopting black kids will realize up front that they will have to prepare their child for dealing with racial discrimination in the workplace, and from people who don't want their kids to play with black kids--those things are totally obvious.

[Mindy82]

Thank you for that very enlightening post... However, it's worth mentioning, that obviously, they are all here for a reason... Do try and avoid these stigmas you speak of! They are doing everything they can before hand to learn... And I know it's naive to think that a child won't be made fun of, however it's also important to teach your children, (whatever color they are), that those people are not worth their time, effort, or heartache...


I am a white woman, i'm single, and 24, therefore few options are open to me, but I will pursue international adoption, and one day i will suceed... I come from a town with literally not even one black person, and I have thought about that at length... But I can also remember being teased to no avail at school cause i was fat... they picked on me more than anyone who looked differently or who was a different color... Discrimination exists no matter what...

I just have a question... You stated that people should think hard about even having biracial children, so you obviously believe that races should stick to themselves... that's a valid opinion, but i ask you... How can these stigmas EVER be erased or eradicated if we all think like that? birds of a feather? doesn't sound right to me at all...

Although I am very grateful that I could read your post, because it gives me more courage, and patience and perserverance that I would have before.

[traceyk]

Hmmm, I didn't HAVE to adopt an AA baby, I chose to. For many reasons, but mostly because she needed a home and I wanted to have a baby to give my love and the whole family's love to. I am glad you are adopting AA babies, great. Do you happen to have a few more thousand friends that can do it too, because there are a whole bunch more in need of homes and there seems to be a shortage of AA people adopting. I think a baby is much better off in a loving family of any race than being bounced around in foster care. Maybe I misinterpreted your post, but it did sound kind of ignorant and racist toward caucasians. This type of thinking is what keeps the rift going between races of all kind.

[Weezyreid]

My thoughts exactly TraceyK
I found this post to be very negative, and I was offended quite frankly.
I am in the process of an Ethiopian adoption, and no one is making me or telling me I HAVE to adopt a baby from Ethiopia.
I am glad not everyone thinks like this poster...I am not bringing my child home and trying to make them white. We will embrace their culture, teach them as much as we can, and have lots of help in terms of providing them with strong cultural role models. It can work!
Louise

[joskimo]

I ditto TracyK and Louise, I think that in the past that families were told to raise children of color as white - but most families I know really embrace their adopted child's culture and if we make mistakes along the way, we're trying our hardest, like all parents. My husband was transracially adopted and we've talked about what his life experience is, it doesn't mean it's a bad life experience to be raised out of your race, it's just a different life experience. If your child is loved and valued for who s/he is - then you're on the right track.

[mamabee]

Hey all! I am a white woman who is also a bmom and mother to three daughters and adopted a biracial baby boy who is now 10. He is the apple of our eyes....his sisters adore him....and we would fight to the death for him. I believe you do have to take into consideration culture and all that....but above all, ask yourself are you willing to love your child(as blood) and treat them with the respect they deserve as any "human" being? If the answer is "yes" then go for it!! and by the way after seeing the movie, "Losing Isaiah" ten years ago, my daughters named my son...."Isaiah". Did I mention I am a very proud parent of my adorable son....God gave me exactly what I prayed for!!!

[ahimsa]

I can see both sides of this issue. Divame, I know that you mean well. There are many white parents who raise black children as though they were "white". You're right, those children are being done a disservice.

I also understand the caucasian mothers on here who are defending themselves against divame's comments, and I agree with what they have to say.

That being said...there is a point to be made. I am the white mother of two black children. Would things be better for them if I were black? Yes. Would they be better off with a black family that was equal to mine in every other way except for race? Yes. Were they better off with their black birthmother who used cocaine. No. Were they better off with the black fostermother that severely neglected my daughter. No. Were they better off with the black foster mother who loved them but didn't have time for them. No.

Yes...in an ideal world...if they could have everything that we have to offer, as well as us being black, that would be great. But that is not the reality. They don't live in an ideal world...far from it. At this point they need consistency, they need love, they need someone to help them repair the effect of the years of lost love and help them make sense of their lives. Right now, the people that can do that for them, are my husband and I...and we happen to be white. We will be unable to give them EVERYTHING they need...but then again...who could???

[joskimo]

Originally Posted by ahimsa

There are many white parents who raise black children as though they were "white".

I just have to reiterate that I see this as more of a CC/CC adoption issue, where white adopting white is able to ignore adoption and heritage issues. All of the transracial adoptions I know honor the adopted child's heritage, I really think that the old theory of "raising them white" went out of style with blue eye shadow and mirror balls.

[traceyk]

WHAT???? Mirror balls went out of style? ****, now I have to take the one down in the bedroom

[vegangoddess]

wow this is a good link...... i was honestly offended when i first read divames post...enough so that i did not come back to it...until now. i may be nieve.......but how are we raising our children white?????? will my child dance the "white mans over bite" as billy chrystal elogently domonstrated in one of his movies. my job as a parent of any child is to raise him to respect HIMSELF first and formost and then to respect people around him. there was an eloquent quote on the show judging amy....which of course i would botch...but it basically said that we are to raise our children to be proud adults... and the racial aspect of it they will figure out.... which is only part true... i have every intention of exposing my child to cultural events......and discuss racial topics.....but i will NEVER beable to fully uderstand racism from his perspective...... he will no doubt experience racism in his life time.... i need to raise him to be a strong man to face this head on....and know that we love him... i guess divame made me feel that i was wrong in adopting my child.....and i am not wrong. okay .....tooo long........... i have more to say ...but dont want to ramble....

[mamacrina]

These are just SOME of the many reasons why whites should not adopt blacks and why interracial marriages should think twice about having biological children.

As a black amom to a biracial daughter, and wife to a(gasp!) white man...all I can say is wow. I cannot wait to share this with my dh. I'd love to get his opinion on it...

Let alone taking on the additional challenges of a race that you will never be fully able to be a part of.

Following that line of reasoning--I could never fully appreciate what it's like to be a man, the challenges of growing up male with all its subtleties, so does that mean I shouldn't raise a son?

I'm not saying that ones considering adopting transracially shouldn't educate themselves about what they could and will face in life-- they should. But saying that a child should always stay in the same race...

And even a biracial couple cannot give that child stability or identity within both races equally. The child will always feel off balanced as if they belong more to one race than to another. Depending on how white the spouse is or how black the other is, the stronger mind of one spouse will win and that household will be run predominately black or predominately white.

I don't entirely disagree with you. By the fact of my being black, my family is considered black. Does that make my dh black? No. He retains all of his German-American heritage. Just because someone views us one way doesn't make it true. It is the responsibility of every parent to try to instill in their child a sense of pride about themselves...a as a human, as a male/female, as a daughter/son, as a aa/cc/asian/latino,etc.,...and to act as a support when that pride, that sense of self-worth, gets bruised and battered.

Race is not the sole determination of identity.

[mamabee]

I don't understand racial slurs at all; especially from those wishing to adopt. Like I said earlier, I am a white woman as is my family and we adopted a bi-racial baby. I know the stigmas that come from white people about adopting any child of color but did you know that my son's biological black grandmother made the comment that she will not have any "white" child in her family.
I do not know how to intergrate my son's black heritage into his life...I would love some advice. However, we adore our son and appreciate him for who he is and support him in whatever his interests may be. At present, his hero is Tiger Woods and he thinks he will be the next golf pro...we support him and encourage him.
This may not go along with the original post here, but I would like to hear comments on how parents of bi-racial children discuss these issues with them. My son knows he is bi-racial but he doensn't really talk about it although I have told him to feel free to talk to me about anything. I hope I haven't offended anyone...I just love them all.

[Linny]

Okay.....I'm jumping in here.

As the momma to two grown children who are Asian.....the momma who has lived in Japan for three years, and has lived in various...small, CC communities for years; and now the momma to two (now toddlers) AA girls.....let me add this:

When someone speaks to the exposure of 'culture' that my children should have been or 'should be'.....WHICH culture are they speaking of?
Are we saying that my babies should be exposed to an inner-city, ghetto culture.....or, a suburban, professional culture? Should the first two babies (Asian) have been exposed to eating primarily rice and fish......or sushi and sake? Should they have been told to be restaurant owners or dry cleaners, or violin players and golf pros? Are we speaking of solely 'rap music'....or are we speaking of the theatre---all-- or both, or partially?

Which one were we/ are we (suppose to bring to the table and tell our children....THIS is what exemplifies WHO YOU SHOULD BE????? Because very few points of the 'culture' to which I hear and read of, have little to do with deciding the values and success of my children....of identifying with their skin color, or any roots from Africa.
Rather, it seems to be what the media considers 'successful and trendy'. Is THIS what being Black American means? Should we have continued living in Japan.....because my now grown kids just can't be happy without remembering this? Hmmmm.....that's not what they tell me now!

If so....then I suppose I'd better start searching and bring out some stock car, red-necked stupid beer hats and start speaking some backward 'hick' 'lingo'...and I'd better learn it SOON, because it sure wasn't what I....as a 'seemingly CC' person was raised to be and be like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I'm at it, I'd also better bring out the 'Ellie' short-shorts, and braid my hair in two pig-tails....start using incorrect English, and talk as if my next big excitement were to go out and drink whiskey near the river????? WoW! How 'uncultured' of me!!!!!!!!! I guess I don't have a CLUE what being CC is all about, do I?

And while I'm at it, I'd better check in with my successful, now raised Asian babies----now adults. Both are happy and adjusted. Both were raised in a VERY rural area (when we got out of the Air Force)....and Both grew up knowing that while they were Asian, they'd still need to know about the world, accepting all races, knowing the value of hard work and knowledge! Both grew up with animals, baling hay, traveling, going to college and evaluating people based on 'what they did and said'....not on whether they did or didn't do what someone else (or the media) thought they ought to do!!!!

We were chosen for our AA babies. I was able to speak to the birthmother of one of our babies. She chose us because of where we lived, what we did, who we were. Obviously, being a Black American woman herself, she based her decision on something other than us 'not being a Black color'. In fact, I'm told that she did not choose a transracial couple, because they were not married....only lived together. I guess 'marriage' was more important to her than a living arrangement.
And I don't say these things to pat us on the back....but rather that to say 'that CC couples shouldn't adopt AA babies, and transracial couples need to think before having bio children'....is putting all of us back--- centuries!

Perhaps it would do well for us (dh and I) to have a DNA blood test (which we would completely welcome) to determine if we have any AA blood in our make-up? Believe me, we fully believe that we do (as do a lot of the world population). So, if THAT would be true......would that then be 'alright' to be approved for AA babies? But then, I suppose it would be a problem because we look white!?!?!?
Hmmmmm......makes me think, then........maybe it's NOT really 'culture'....because that comes in more variations than skin tone. Seems to me we're then speaking about 'skin color' and trying to match a child's skin with that of their adoptive parents.
True, there are ridiculous people (and I'd call them more, but I don't want to go there now)......who adopt babies of color and try to pass them off as solely 'white'. THIS infuriates me to no end; and I blame adoption agencies/attorneys/facilitators for that one. But overall.......there are those that desire a baby of color...being white or black. Exposure to heritage is one thing. Definition of 'culture' is anyone's call; and there are a lot of 'accepted cultures'.....white, black or otherwise, I wouldn't expose any of my children to.

Sincerely,

Linny

[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by Linny

When someone speaks to the exposure of 'culture' that my children should have been or 'should be'.....WHICH culture are they speaking of?
Are we saying that my babies should be exposed to an inner-city, ghetto culture.....or, a suburban, professional culture? Are we speaking of solely 'rap music'....or are we speaking of the theatre---all or both, or partially?

Are we speaking of Oprah? Or are we speaking of P. Diddy? Which one am I suppose to bring to the table and tell my children....THIS is what exemplifies WHO YOU SHOULD BE?????

To me, black culture is all that and then some and being a successful and emotionally healthy adult means being able to identify with, not neccessarily enjoy, all of the above. It's not an intellectual pursuit - finding out what it means to be black. It's individual, personal and full of trial and error. I cringe at the thought that a parent might embrace black theater, blues and jazz, but not hip-hop, gospel and ebonics. My childhood experiences in the 80's watching rap in its infancy as it developed are not shared by my cc friends of the same age. And yes, I grew up in a Huxtable-like family. Our economic status had nothing to do with my feeling connected to that form of expression. I think it was Fredrick Douglass that wrote about the duality of black life. That concept is just as relevant today as it was then. It is not either/or. It is all. Folks miss that at their peril. There are more than two ways to be black - it's not a choice between being 'ghetto' or being a bougie subburbanite. The healthiest black folk I know are able to identify with and move seamlessly within/between a broad spectrum of socio-economic circumstances and cultural traditions.