[traceyk]

Well, I am going to be bold and say that in our situation, not the "perfect" world, we ARE the best choice for Drihan. Her b-mom chose to do drugs, not get prenatal care and couldn't wait to sign her over(her words were recorded on paper stating such). Drihan would have been put into fostercare with her other half brothers if she didn't place her and thankgoodness she did what was best for her. And that is a phrase that a lot of people use when talking about why children are adopted. They say "your b-mom/b-parents did what was best for you because they love you". Well than that must be the truth, I am what's best. We can hash this out forever, but the same thing still remains, these babies are in need of homes and we are the wonderful mothers and fathers that stepped up to open our hearts and homes to them so we could give them all we have and be a family forever regardless to their race. That makes us the first choice regardless to our race!!!!!!

[BethanyB]

Shoshana,
To be absolutly honest with you...I really don't know why it is so hard for me to except that adoption involves loss. I understand that my children are going to want to know the truth about their bmom and their adoption. I do worry and think about how hard the truth MAY be for them. They they were taken away because their bmom exposed them to drugs and that her addiction was too strong to parent them. It hurts to think that my kids bmom fought for a short time for my son and then completely walked away from my daughter by leaving her in the hospital and taking off. I worry about how they are going to feel when they are old enough for to hear these facts.

I have a life book that my SW made. There are pictures of their bmom. There is a bio written by the bmom. We have her medical history. We have my kids grown half siblings names and birthdates. I would LOVE to exchange letters and picutures with their bmom in order to give my children an idea of who they look like or where they come from. I'm in the process of making little life books for my kids to touch and read as often as they like. (My kids are babies now.)

I know there will be questions and I hope to be able to try and help in any way that I can. But I will never know how it feels to be adopted. Just how I will never know how it feels to be black. But I can put myself in their shoes and imagine.


Let me just share one little story. When I was 15 I found out that I had a chronic disease. Cronic meaning there is no cure. I went on to need dialysis three times a week for FIVE years! Those of you who don't know what dialysis means, I would get two huge needles in my arm and have the blood in my body taken out, cleansed and put back in. It was torture. I did not know anyone who was sick like me. Most people on dialysis are old. I felt different from all the healthy kids around me. I saw how young people were taking everything for granted. I have been hospitalized more times than you could imagine. I have had several surgeries and one Major kidney transplant. I have even had a few close calls where I could have died. My mom kept telling me to be strong and that I could do it. Sometimes I hated people for being healthy and not appreciating it. I would cry and tell my mom, family, boyfriend that they would never understand. And I know they could never truly understand but they could empathize.

I ended up seeking out other who were like me. -Young and sick on dialysis. And I found two people who could understand me and identify with me.

I guess the moral of the story is that we are never going to be able to totally understand everything our children go through. But I feel that if you seek out ways that your children can learn about culture and find ways to help them identify with people from their race, then that is doing a great job.

Transracial families can be successful and I would tell anyone that was looking into doing it that if you understand the importance of culture and race identiy than go for it!

[Shoshana]

Thanks for sharing, Bethany. I also struggle with how to tell Xiomara her story - so far, she was the only child placed for adoption and her birthmom is parenting her older sister and younger sister. I hope like hell my daughter doesn't analyze everything like I did!

If I didn't believe that I could provide a good home for a child, if I didn't believe that transracial and international adoptions could yield healthy and well-adjusted children, I would not have adopted.

[BethanyB]

" As kelleymac said, "...sometimes CC families have more resources, but to assume that they make better parents than a parent of the child's race (just based on those resources) is a mistake.""

Sneezy:

BUT WHO SAID that CC families make BETTER parents of a child of color than same race parents??????

Who said that? Who said that? Who said that???

Ahhhhhh! I keep hearing this but I can't see where anyone said we make BETTER parents than same race parents!

[Sleeplvr]

Bethany

When I took my foster parent training we had a whole session devoted to loss. We covered every possible loss there could be related to adoption. If the class missed listing something the instructor filled it in. We even did skits in class relating to loss where we became the child. I think that is one thing that is truly lacking in private adoptions.

Just because your child has loss it's not a slight against you.

[Jensboys]

BUT WHO SAID that CC families make BETTER parents of a child of color than same race parents??????

The implication was that there was NOTHING better about being raised in a same race household because cc homes are "just as good" or not second best. That implies that there is no benefit to being raised by same race parents. Obviously, if there is a benefit to having aa parents for an aa child, then having cc parents is "second best". I dont dispute that, many seem to.

Jen

[BethanyB]

Sleeplver,
I know that loss from adoption would not be because of me. I guess your right in that they are losing their bparents. That is loss. I guess loss sounds so negative and because my kids are so young and happy and in love with me loss it doen't equate for me. To me loss equals anguish, sadness and so on. Yes my children may experience that later on in life due to not knowing their bfamily but since my kids are so young loss sounds so negative and victimized.

I am a really strong positive person. But by no means would I deney their feelings of loss if they experience it and come to me about it. I take all feeling seriously. Even if they are not my own. I will do everything in my power to make my kids feel comfortable and open about their feelings. I will super understanding and empathize with them.

So I guess that is where I was coming from.

[BethanyB]

Saying that I am just as good a parent as the next black white or purple family is NOT the same as saying I'm BETTER. Sorry but it just aint so.

Being just as good means equal to not greater than.
(I just got done teaching math! Ha! )

And no I am not second best for my kids.
I just can't beat the dead horse anymore!

[Sleeplvr]

Are you required to take continuing education for your state? The good thing about training down here is you can take what you need at the time you are ready. As children grow their needs change and the resources are there to address it. DH took a class on Bully Busters last weekend and loved it. I think we are going to need it for DD.

I missed all the classes because I wanted the kids to see the beach. I'll send you some pics. They loved it.

[Jensboys]

Bethany, just so I can understand where you are coming from - you honestly think there would be NO benefit (as in an easier life in terms of racial identity) to your children if they had been raised by AA parents, equal to you in all other areas? And you honestly feel that there is no significant loss or increased issues to your children, in terms of racial identity, to be raised by cc parents?

If that is so, I would LOVE to revisit this conversation with you when your children are my kids age and see if your point of view has changed at all. And I dont mean that facetiously, I really mean I would love to discuss this with someone who has raised kids that are the same age as my children and feels this way. I just cant imagine feelign that way after watching my kids experience life as they do.

Jen

[BethanyB]

Jen,
I'm not sure if you read all of the posts but in one of my more recent posts on this thread I stated that it WOULD be EASIER for a black child to learn about his or her culture and racial identity if he or she WAS in a home of the the same race. Please don't misunderstand what I am trying to say.

Somewhere in this thread the whole second, third, fourth best parent came in. I REFUSE to believe that I am second or third best for my children. Would they be able to take cues from the same race people they live with? Yes. And I think it would be great. But in no way are my kids in the wrong home. In no way am I a second best parent because it would have been EASIER for them to learn about culture from seeing it from day to day.
And I'm just curious why so many people are so quick to want to rate parents on a scale.

Are there things my kids could learn from a black family that they couldn't learn from me? I'm sure! I don't know everything but I don't think anyone else does either.

I have blood relatives that are phillipino and have been raised in an all white family EXCEPT their mother. Are they in a worse situation than if they had been born in the Phillipines around mostly phillipino people. My dads cousin married a black man and had 2 biracial children. Their father left when they were a young age and they were raised in my white family. Would they have been better off with their bdad and gone with him?

The reason I say this is because I am not at ALL unaware of the situations that people go through when they are in a group that are not like them race wise.

Jen, I've read and agreed with many of your posts in other threads. I would hope that you were not talking down to me. Naive I am not. And it quite frankly angers me that I must be naive or in denial if I don't agree with what everyone says.

[Davidsmom17]

Well, I decided to jump into the fray with my take on adoption and loss. I am an adoptee and firmly believe that all adoption begins in loss. This is a fact, not a negative or positive, just a fact. However, millions of factors play into how your adoptive children process, handle and react to that loss.
My loss was compounded by growing up in the 70's when adoption was whispered and my parent NEVER spoke of it.
My loss was lessened in my 20's after reuniting with my birthfamily and witnessing first hand the disfunction that would have been my life had I never been placed for adoption.
I feel my adoptive parents are my first and only parents. My birthmom is just that, the woman who gave birth to me. My birthdad is a good friend who I speak with but he will never replace my first and only dad. Time can never be erased and you can never go back a recreate your family of origin once it has gone. I was raised Jewish only to find out that I am not just Jewish. Do I miss learning about Catholocism, maybe. However, I did learn to believe in God and that is the most important thing, isnt it?
Finally, my adoptive son who is biracial, will be raised by a single, white Jewish mom. Will have have to deal with tons of issues..yes. Will I be there every single step of the way...you bet. His birthmom picked me so I have to honor that and think she made the best choice.
Laurie
Adoptive mom to David 3 years on Sat.
"We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to leave the shore"

[Mindy82]

Very well said Laurie. Probably the best post yet.

[Jensboys]

Bethany, I think now we are essentially agreeing and its semantics over wording.

I too absolutely think I am MY SONS' best & first choice for a mother - BECAUSE I AM their mother. You obviously think the same.

I absolutely believe that adoption causes loss, on a variety of levels, and how that loss affects adoptees is going to be an individual experience.

I think that when it comes to race, I cannot know what my children's experience will be because I will not ever have to live it. And because I have lived so long as a majority race person, I have been spared much of what my children will have to experience. I can compensate for that by having same race mentors, relationships, friendships for my children, as well as cultural exposure and interactions but there will still be a gap between our experience as a multi racial family, and what the kids would have had in a same race family.

And IN THEORY (but not necessarily in the practice with our children and their life history) same race placements are EASIEST on the child, and thus "best", but that a transracial placement can be a very good resource for children as well.

Am I right that we are agreeing on these points?

Jen

[quiescentfury]

Yes Jen!!!! That is how I feel. You summed it up great.