[ahimsa]

I need advice. My kids are AA and ages 3 and 4. At what age do I teach them about the possible racial slurs, particularly the n-word. They were called the n-word once in my presence but it didn't register with them. Do I teach them that word explaining how horrible it is and have them tell me if they ever hear it again, or do I wait for them to bring it up?

Thanks!

[bluelidded]

I'd say as soon as they enter school. Some lovely little children have a tendency to bring their parents' mouths to class. You might add that some people are so silly they don't even mean to use a word that would imply someone is stupid just because they're black, that these people just aren't as educated.

[ahimsa]

You're right it is probably a good idea to wait until she starts school next year. It's such a hard thing to bring up, yet so necessary!

[mallory4]

If your kids spend any time around black people, they will probably hear the word used in other ways, and that may provide some education in itself.

If they aren't old enough to know it is an insult, I wouldn't prime them for it by telling them to alert you if/when they hear it.

My approach was to wait until the kids were old enough to talk about race historically (around 7 or so) and introduce it as a word commonly used as a generic label and as an insult in the past. We talked about how it is still used by racists and by many AA people today. This made it natural to discuss why they don't hear us use the word and why we expect them not to use it, even if they hear other kids (AA neighbors, classmates, etc.) use it.

It kind of fit in 2 categories for us--1) "history" and 2) "words that will upset your grandparents and our neighbors if you use them" which also contains things like "Jesus H. Christ!" and other expletives we may use but don't want the kids trotting out in front of the folks whose feelings may be hurt by them.

That way, we got the info across to them without setting them up to expect that they would be insulted. So far, the only racial remarks made to their faces have been by AA kids, and were about me being white! Just depends on where you live, I guess

[leaabc123]

It depends on your point of view as well.


If our girls stay with us, we plan on teaching them that it isn't acceptable from them and we don't like when anyone says it. But, they may hear it from many different people (including our extended relatives who are AA). and they have to decide how to deal with it.

I agree school age is probably a good point to start.

[bluedaisy]

I'm reading a great book right now called I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla, and it's about how kids learn about race. I think you'd enjoy it. It's extremely well-researched and well-written and has lots of great advice on this question and similar issues.

[ahimsa]

I actually have "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla". My mom bought it for me. Our immediate problems with our kids have been related to attachment and other issues, so I have only perused the books on race. I will take a closer look!

Thanks!

[ahimsa]

Well...I was hoping to wait until kindergarten to approach the topic but had to early. We were discussing animal names that my daughter's friends jokingly call each other. Most were fine, although she mentioned "pig" and I said that wasn't nice and explained why. I then asked if she has ever been called "monkey" and she said yes that her friend GG called her that. I explained that that name was very mean and that she should tell her friend not to call her that. Then, I decided to bring up the n-word and asked if she had been called that ever. She said yes...by the same girl. I couldn't believe it. A four year old in preschool and she is already hearing this. It sucks! So...we had the n-word talk early.

Thanks for all your advice!

[mallory4]

Ahimsa, that is too bad. Sad for your child that she had to start with the negatives so early, and sad for that other little girl who is clearly being raised by people who are unaware of the damage they are doing to their child.

It never ceases to amaze me that people don't see how that kind of behavior and belief can only have a negative effect on their child's life--do they not expect her to ever attend an integrated school, or have a job? Where on earth do they think she will be living that she will benefit from that kind of attitude--Mississippi in 1850?

When I was in grade school a child called me a derogatory name for Italians, and I clocked him in the head with a brass paperweight. I got sent to the principal's office, but at least he went forward in life knowing that if was gonna use that kind of language there was gonna be a downside. Maybe I did him a favor.

[joskimo]

with my older daughter we never talked about racism or slurs until she was in grade school, she still denies experiencing racism but I don't beleive her and think that she might just lack the vocabulary to describe her experience. My older daughter is NA and my younger daughter is AA, so their experiences with racism may be different but may be similar.

Ahimsa, I cannot beleive at that age a little girl woudl say such things. Her parents should be tarred and feathered for perpetuating such b.s.

[kmh112960]

Just thought I'd add to this post. A few weeks ago I was picking up my daughter from daycare (she's almost 3) A woman I don't know was picking up her grandson and the two kids were hanging on the gate. As I walked up she said, Oh, the little jungle bunny wants to get out! To be honest, I didn't know this was exactly a racist comment but it didn't feel right. I asked my daycare provider if I should be insulted and she claimed she didn't think it meant anything. Later that night on Dr. Phil there was a show about rasicm and they mentioned the word. I spoke to an AA friend and she said it's the next worst word next to the N word. We called our daycare provider immediately to tell her she needed to (or give us the woman's phone #) speak to the woman, which she eventually did. The woman claims she didn't know it was a bad thing, but how do you put the 2 words together without knowing what it means? I have to give her the benefit of the doubt, I guess, although when I walked in the gate she couldn't have know Maya was my daughter (I am Caucasian). I don't know..... I was really, really upset about the whole thing.

Kathy

[leaabc123]

kmh, that is horrible and fr her to use it in that context means she knew exactly what it meant.

The daycare provider probably knew as well and was trying to avoid trouble. At the very least, she should be aware of cultural issues.

[Kelli]

Originally Posted by kmh112960

The woman claims she didn't know it was a bad thing, but how do you put the 2 words together without knowing what it means?
Kathy

You don't! She knew what it meant and she would have gotten no "benefit of the doubt" from me. The woman was embarrassed that you called her on it and she lied. I think you were completely justified in being upset.

[Sleeplvr]

I'm not buying it. She knew what that meant. There was a certain time and place when people used that kind of language. There is no mistaking what it means and for her to use it for a AA child is confirmation of it.

[mallory4]

No way she did not know it was a racist term.

If she hadn't been intending a racist "joke", the word "jungle" would not have been used. I can see anyone saying "Oh, look, the little monsters/animals/critters/ want out!" as a joing way of referring to BOTH children, but to single one child out and use the term "jungle", she was saying exactly what she intended.

As painful as it is for us to hear about incidents like this, I guess they are a good reminder of the true state of people's ignorance in this country.