[mckenna]

my son is 3y/o. i have always referred to his skin as brown and mine as peach. i have books about people of all different skin colors. he is in a multicultural daycare. his two best buds are aa. but recently he has been adiment that he is peach and i am brown. i explain that he is wonderful brown but he insists he is peach. we have multi cultural crayons and people cut outs. but, he came home from school with a picture of his community and there was a house, a store (which i thought was funny, cuz we live behind a target and are there every day!) and a tree with two peach people in it. i know that there were multi-cultural people offered, but he choose peach. should i be concerned. i want him to be proud of who he is. any suggestions?

[spaypets]

He probably just wants to be like mom--they do at this age. Did you ask him why he made himself peach? I wouldn't worry as long as you have plenty of images of people of color around (and it sounds like you do).

We subscribe to India Today, so there are magazines with people from India lying around (although they are usually lighter skinned). I have quit subscribing to most parenting magazines because I got sick of all the cover babies being blonde. I leave my Adoptive Families magazine around so she can see images of brown children. Sesame Street videos are good about showing children of all ethnicities.

Is there a parenting magazine other than AF that features children of color on the cover more than once a year?

[davinok]

Since becoming the cc parent of an aa daughter I have worked to learn a lot more about child development and especially racial identity (I'm trained as a psychologist but unfortunately much of this stuff gets overlooked in training). I am coming to realize that just like gender identity and all forms of intelligence (e.g., critical abstract thinking) racial identity and even the understanding of racial / ethnic differences follows a predictable pattern of development (as does a child's understanding of adoption, by the way). My daughter is only two so my personal experiences with her regarding this topic are limited. But my basic understanding is that race is not seen as a permanent unchagable aspect of identity until much later than gender, and that kids will try on different identities or later on may even work out some of their feelings about the racism they witness by fantasizing about the more privledged role (I would think your child is too young for this but may be something to watch for in the furture). I would have to think that this developmental process becomes even more complex for our kids because developing a healthy identification with us (so that they can rebel against us in adolescence ) may complicate (or make different from kids raised by same race parents) the process of identity development. I think at this age making the child feel secure and comfortable with themself as a person (regardless of the racial identity they are developing) as well as continued regular exposure to positive images of folks who share their heritage is very important. This type of "non-verbal" learning will stick with them and there will be time for more explicit and verbal shows of satisfaction and pride in their heritage as they get older (they will certainly overtime develop an accurate understanding of their racial group membership and it's permancy at the same time that all children do). I would welcome anyone's feedback on these ideas as I am thinking them through in a new way even as a write this. I have learned quite a bit from a book about the development of racial awareness and identity in kids called "I'm chocolate, you're vanilla" it's written by a Black psychologist and letr me know that it is a common phenomena even for aa kids raised in bio or same race homes to go through a period of "denying" their skin color and later their racial group membership, the author explains this as a normal process and has ideas for how to watch it develop and help it along in its own time.
Katie

[redhedded]

Hey McKenna, I second katie's suggestion to pick up "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race Conscious World," by Dr. Marguerite Wright if you have not already read it. She is/was a practicing psychologist (in the Bay area I think) for many years and addresses extensively the ever changing choices of identification in all kids. She is clear that the danger is placing our adult concrete definitions of race/ethnicity/color, etc on children who have no such construct. I think (but could be wrong, as it has been two years since I read this book) that she suggests letting your child (under 4 or 5) define himself anyway that he chooses (green, brown or peach) as long as such definition, along with a different choice that he might make tomorrow, is consistently affirmed as being good and okay with you. This book was invaluable to me as a prospective parent of ANY child.

I would be proud that he created the house, the "Target" store and the two of you. I know that you are a great mom and are always providing him with the tools for confidence and a strong self image.

[LoveRiddenDad]

Hi McKenna,

He sounds like a normal little boy! I wouldn't worry too much about him disconnecting from his identity since he's around other AA kids. I have two CC kids and two AA kids; my S/O is CC and I'm half CC/hispanic. Our philosophy has always been: Why worry? It's fun to explore your own cultures and other cultures, so lay back and enjoy it. In the words of Langston Hughes, "Dig and be dug."

Most kids just don't think about race. When my daughter (now six) was a little younger than your son, she simply asked me, "Is there any way you can make yourself less BROWN?" She didn't mean it as an insult; she just didn't yet understand that race wasn't alterable!

I think a huge part of relating to your culture is just generally feeling connected. My mom was always really cool about cooking ethnic food and upholding traditions. I try to do the same for my kids.

This is going to sound very silly, but I think nonwhite children need to be reassured that people of their race are intelligent/attractive. The Beauty Myth hurts so many people who don't fit into that stereotype! It's one thing to say, "Your brown skin is beautiful," (good, but blanket statement) as opposed to, "I think your skin is so pretty. Lots of peach people sit in the sun for hours so they'll look more like you!" Let him know his features are desirable and that deviating from white culture is okay! I hope that helps.

[DianeS]

A different thought... Isn't around three years old the time children start identifying with different "ideas" of themselves, and sometimes to the extreme, anyway? Some children think they're different colors, some think they have different hair types, some think they're different species!

If he really is having trouble thinking that brown is a good color to be, then I agree with everyone else. But if he's just going through a stage, next week's picture could show him as a cat, or a dog, or a giraffe! Kids just don't quite "get" the fact they can change what they do for a living, change their height, change their hairstyle, but not change their skin color or gender or species. They haven't grown into that yet, so their drawings show children changing all of it.

In my opinion (and take the opinion of someone who isn't raising kids yet as you choose to), it's reason to pay particular attention to his concept of color right now, since color is what he chose to change about himself this week. But I wouldn't worry about it all that much at this age, as long as he keeps changing those ideas around in his own effort to try new things, ideas, and ways of thinking, and does not fixate on this one.

[mckenna]

thanks for your replys. i have read part of the i'm choc, your van. book but i borrowed it from the library and needed to return it. i guess i should read it again.

i know the books say not to be concerned, but when your own kids is doing it, it is hard not to be concerned.

thanks

[LoveRiddenDad]

Spaypets,

As far as mags that feature people of different races, really the only one that comes to mind is Ebony (targeted towards AA's). It's really the only one here that's readily available, although there's a spanish version of People magazine, and Alternative Family (a glbtq magazine) is great to feature kids of different races.

[Linny]

There used to be a magazine called, Raising Black and Bi-racial children. I saw it offered once; checked on it through the internet, then saw, at one point, it wasn't published anymore.
PS.....I just checked on this again. Seems it is still being printed? Anyone ever subscribe to this before? It reads as if it would be helpful as it is geared to parents raising children under the age of 12yrs.

Sincerely,

Linny

[ll_bay]

It's not a magazine, but the Toys to Grow On catalogue does a FANTASTIC job of featuring children of every race and/or color. And the American Girl catalog is great about that too, and even has dolls you can custom order with various skin tones, eye colors, hair colors and textures... I have 2 from India and am awaiting my 3rd, and these are the sorts of things we leave laying about for them to look at.

[Linny]

Here's the link for anyone who wishes to subscribe to the magazine, Raising Black and Biracial children. It's the only distributor I could find.

http://www.business-magazines.com/prd159337.php


Questions about subscriptions can also be directed to the following phone number:

Phone: 866-987-9800



The idea for toys and such is wonderful too. Our first child was from Korea, our second child was from Japan; and our sixth and seventh children are AA. Toys relating to skin tones and such can be difficult to find!


Sincerely,

Linny

[leenab]

I know this is an older post, but here goes:

Our boys and 3 1/2 and 4 yrs old and have noticed that I'm not brown. One is AA the other is Haitian; I'm caucasian as pastey as they come and DH is a dark Indian. The boys have noticed I'm not brown and constantly ask about my moles and freckles. I just tell them that someone forgot to finish coloring me in, so I just have spots of brown. When my 3 1/2 yr old was about 2 3/4 he came up to me with a brown crayon and tried to color me in. We had to have a big talk about the fact that it was too late to color me in. He became okay with the idea that someone just forgot to finish mommy. O also was facinated by my hair which is longer, blonde and straight. He loves to touch it. It's just something he's not used to.

They were amazed this summer at the beach when I turned RED! So anytime we went out to eat they had to tell everyone who talked to them that they were brown and mommy was RED. Too cute!

O also likes to be like me. He's said he wants to be uncolored and I told him he could turn red then and hurt. He didn't like that idea. But then I told him he smiles like mommy and he loves that. I think all children want to be like their parents. Both of the boys have picked up gestures and mannerisms of both my husband and I. O likes to lounge on the couch in the same position as DH, Raj bited his lip like I do when he's thinking, O walks around with his hands in his pockets like I tend to do. Both boys have picked up so many of our facial expressions as well.

People constantly tell us we all look alike. And a lot of people think the boys are twins. They aren't even biologically related, so go figure.

-LeenaB

[leaabc123]

I used to teach at a preschool, primarily AA students.
It is normal for them to stretch their imaginations.
Tomorrow, he might decide he is green with purple hair.
Continue to show him positive images of all cultures and talk to him about his feelings and you should be good.

[shef]

hi my name is shefalie.

My skin tone is soemtimes brown, sometimes it can even get lighter and be dark olive.....

I admit to growing up confused about my identity...as I did not have any help or resources available to me at the time. I was the only "brown" kid in the entire school and the neighbourhood was white.

In my White English family ....I was consdiered white like them...so my "browness" was denied and my racial heritage disocnnected.

Outside the family I was seen as many things, but not "white". I was placed with other indian children at school...who I had no idea why that was happening adn their culture was alien to me....

Because my bmother was scottish and my bfather was from India...and lives in India......I actaully was not fully accepted by either culture as belonging.......

so I welcome any advancement towards children of mixed race heritage that helps and enables them to feel more comfortable at whatever age in their own skins and helps them to form a healthy identity as they take there place in society and within families......I want to learn how to celebrate difference and not be afraid of it.......
anyone who has any ways that they ahve found useful for helping mewho is now an adult to learn how to integrate our mixed identites rather thand when we were children would be welcomed.

shef

[bakerk]

Maybe you could find a more appealing description than 'brown' which sounds kind of plain and not much fun. Peach sounds yummy and special. No wonder he'd rather be peach than brown. Maybe try the chocolate analogy above. I think it's entirely possible that he'd rather be peach not because he is having identity issues but because it sounds like a more fun word. ?