[tortuga]

Hi all. We are living in South America and are in the process of adopting a bi-racial child (indigenous,african descent). We have found out that we will be leaving South America and moving to an all-white rural area in the U.S. This was not the original plan when we started this process. We have also found out that my husband's parents will cut off ties with us, and their biological grandson, if we continue with the adoption (they do not even know her ethnicity!!!) They apparently changed their minds about adoption after it became more real.
We are caring for the baby at the moment and she is a dream!!! We have no legal ties to her and will not until after we are already supposed to move to the U.S.. The legal process in itself is going to cause us serious problems. This has gotten insanely complicated.
I am reading a lot about raising a "black" child in a white community. She looks more African than Latin or Indigenous. It doesn't seem fair to take her from her culture where color is not much of an issue to an all-white "cowboy" type setting. She will also have no contact with half of her family.
We are acting as foster parents just to get her out of the institution where she was living. She is thriving with us but I know that we aren't the only family out there for her.
Does anyone out there have any advice? We can't just follow our hearts on this one. We want what is truly best for her and for our bio-son. We don't want hinm to lose his father's side of the family either.
I would especially like to here from transracially adopted kids who grew up in white communities.
Thanks,
Tortuga

[Linny]

We are a 'seemingly white couple' (I say that because no one knows their entire background and we are talking about 'skin tone')......who have adopted seven times.
Our first two were adopted overseas and born in Korea and Japan. Our next three were 'white' (not by our choice....by happenstance)...or again, seemingly so, through the foster care system. One of these children appears to have possibly Native American in his background? Our last two have been adopted through a private agency and are Black American babies.

We initially were a military family.....and now live in a rural area that is not diverse...however, we spend our time in a college town nearby that is diverse.

In the end, it will depend on how much all of these changes will affect you and your present family. Certainly, I can tell you that raising two Asian children on a farm in the midwest was not something related to their 'culture'.......but I can say with completely certainty, that they have no regrets about this. (Both are now grown and on their own.) They laugh when someone suggests asks about 'seeking out their birthparents', claiming that we are their 'real parents'. They also don't feel cheated because they weren't adopted within an Asian setting. (We have discussed these topics.)
In the same manner..........how your African child will view the world around her and the people who love her, will greatly depend on you and your husband. Will you resent her in time because of the loss of family from their prejudice toward adoption? Will she feel responsible for this in the end if someone talks to her as an older child about this? Will these relatives 'come around', or are their feelings 'written in stone'. I wouldn't suggest you adopt this child based on the thoughts of 'what if they change their minds'......but I also know that had any of our family given us a problem with transracial adoption.......we would have easily dismissed them from our lives. Some families don't feel this strongly. You will have to decide.

Regardless of where a child is raised, in the end, I believe it has much to do with the immediate family surrounding her, as to how secure and loved she feels. Only you can answer this. Perhaps this move to the 'predomiately white area' will not be permanent?

How long have you been this child's caretaker? Has there been a long time with bonding? If you are leaning against not adoptiing her, it may be in her best interests to find a permanent family for her soon, so that bonding may begin to take place. (But, I'm sure you probably already have thought about this )

Best of luck to you. This is certainly not an easy decision.....but one that must be felt within the hearts of you and your husband and the sacrifices you will have to make (at least temporarily)......should you choose to make her your own.


Most sincerely,

Linny

[tortuga]

Thanks Linny,
Lots and lots to think about. We are all bonding with her which makes the decision easier, or more difficult, depending on how you look at it. We have pretty much decided that we will leave it in the hands of God. If we are able to complete the process before we have to leave Ecuador, then we will take her and love her and just deal with any issues that come up. She isn't even legally "abandoned" so her mom could still take her from us. There are two months left in the abandonment process. We are not yet "approved" either. The adoption process will not begin until the beginning of November when she is supposed to be assigned to us. So, we are going to put our fears about a rural childhood and family aside and hope that the legal process does not get bogged down here.
We are pushing hard for the latest arrival date possible in our new location.
Thank you for your thoughts. It is always great to hear what someone who has "lived" this has to say.
We are so happy to have her with us even if it doesn't work out. She is not available to be adopted by another family yet because of her legal status. Otherwise, she would still be in her crib at the orphanage 90% of the time. If we are meant to love her for only a few months to keep her out of the orphanage, then at least we, and she, will have had that.
Thanks again,
Tortuga

[Drag0nfly]

Hi there,

I've just read this thread and am wondering how it went?

Hope the child and your family are doing well.

~drag0nfly

[aries304]

wow i can relate to this exactly, and i could talk for hours. i am a transracial black who grew up in a white, rural community. things i wished my a-parents would have done:

1. establish a strong, positive, black role model to "take me in." kind of like a mentor, to teach me things about my hair, culture, etc. that my a-family could not and cannot.
2. socialize me w/ other people of my own race (i guess it ties in w/ #1), esp. kids my own age
3. go to cultural events whenever possible; even though they were on the other side of the state, when i went to an Afro-Amer. art museum i felt much more knowledgable and it was worth the trip
4. put me in a school system that emphasized tolerance and education of all people
5. go to support groups w/ other transracial adoption families; a place to network and connect

these are only a few, as I am struggling very much still with this issue. i stress on the friendships with peers as much as possible, as I did not have any friends my own race till i got to college, and it put a hole in my heart to not have any, b/c sometimes i feel lonely as being the only minority within a 20-mile radius....

[Jensboys]

Aries -- thanks for sharing that!!! I know it must have been tough.

We are the lucky parents of two aa boys, and two cc boys as well. And we live in a predominately white community but we HAVE done everything on your list.

In particular, for those that would come back to read this later, I truly believe that having adult same race role models in our sons lives has been INVALUABLE!!

Also, we attend a family "adoption camp" every summer and it too is the absolute highlight of our kids year. We are very proud to go and thrilled to be a member of that community.

Jen

[joskimo]

Aries, I agree w/ Jen, I appreciate the list and these are things that I've been working on myself to incorporate in our lives. It's nice to know from an adoptee that these things help. We haven't foudn the role model per se yet, but I"m optimistic that we will.

[cscrivner]

Aries...
I can't agree with you more about what adoptive parents should do to help their children learn about their race, culture, and adoption.

My husband and I are adoptive parents of an african american son. Our son will be 3 in August. God blessed us with our son when he was 2 days old. He is the love and joy of our life. I am a stay at home mom but also operate a daycare. Since I have has my daycare we have been fortunate that more than 1/2 of our kids are and have been african american. Which is great for my son. We talk about his adoption story, birthmom, and how he became our son, even though he doesn't quite understand yet.

One of the things that I do is that when I am shopping for books, software, videos, etc. I look for items that show people of different races, situations, cultures, etc. so that my son can see and become familiar with pictures that are like him.

We have made it a point to build relationships with people of other races and cultures. For example, my best friend since I was 5 is hispanic and her husband is african american. They are actually Josh's godparents.

Lucky for us we live in a very diverse town...lots of culture, races, etc... Our neighborhood school is so diverse I am so happy.

The things on your list are all things that we considered and thought about when we made our decision to do a transracial adoption.

Right now my son is asking for a sister...and he doesn't quite understand why we can't just "have" a baby like my sister did. Again he doesn't quite understand the whole adoption concept...but he will someday.

Email me or post if you have any other advice that would help me to raise my son so that he is comfortable with his race and culture...because I know that there is a lot that I don't know or would even claim to know.

Sorry my post was so long....

Crystal

[kelliemomma26]

Hi,
Far be it from me to judge...... But do you really want your bio-son to be raised with people who are so narrow minded and shallow that they are not capable of loving a child that does not share their D.N.A. If a social worker showed up at your door tomorrow and told you that your son was switched at birth and he does not have the same D.N.A as your husband would they cut all ties with you!!

Many things in life can happen that we did not have in "our plans" for ourselves. I believe that parenthood is not a "guarantee" it is a "gamble" and you get what the good Lord sends your way, whether by D.N.A or by adoption. You could give birth to a perfectly healthy child that could get hit by a car and be disfigured and disabled forever and you would still be that childs parent!! Or would you give that child back because he no longer fit peoples idea of "perfect", people would stare and whisper and wonder "why does he look like that" and people like that will always exsist in this world no matter where you live. Love is what truly makes a parent not D.N.A..... So if you do not truly have love in your heart that is soooo deep for that child then she deserves another family. If you would not be willing to give up anything in the world for that tiny child who needs to be protected, then she deserves another family. Good luck in your decision as I know it is a very difficult one to make. I do not have contact with many of my family members for this very same reason and I can honestly say it is their LOSS. I would not trade my children for a relationship with any of them nor would my bio-children who had relationships with them.

[APGlenn]

Aries, thank you so much for sharing. I just joined this website as I am looking for some insight regarding my adoptive daughter, who is AA. I am cc and also have an adoptive son who is hispanic. Daughter is now 14 and came to live with my ex and I at 23 mos. of age. In addition to the usual adolescent struggles we are now struggling with her not wanting to go with us to public places as she feels everyone stares at her. I have tried to help her understand that the ones who are staring are the ones with the issues not her/us. The list of things you mentioned we have done for the most part. We live in a large metro city and there is diversity in our schools. Daughter has close friends of several different ethnic groups including her own. She is very active in sports and has a beautiful voice. We have found a wonderful ethnic hair stylist who has been a live saver for daughter's hair. The only thing we really seem to be lacking is a support group of other transracial adoptees and parents which I am hoping to find through this site. Also will be looking for an AA therapist from whom we could seek counseling. I currently have remarried to a cc man and we are raising his 8 yr old cc daughter. The younger daughter adores her "big" sister but the feeling is not mutual, however, "big" sister has and will continue to take up for the younger one when warranted. I love my daugher with all my heart and am hoping to find help if needed so she can successfully transition to adulthood. Any suggestions? Sorry for the long post, just very excited about finding some place to start. Thanks!

[LisaCA]

hi,

your teenage daughter is doing what teenagers do . the idea of being different is frightening to most teens and having parents of a different race is a very obvious difference. I know I hated it. what might be helpful to her and to you all is to attend a camp for transracial adoptees. there are many I hear, but I know that Pact puts on one that is really fun, involves learning for the parents as well as fun, plus fun and time to discuss these issues for the kids. you can reach them at www.pactadopt.org.

good luck!

lisa

[Emeraldgems]

I have to admit I've not read any of the other response posts so sorry if I'm repeating things.

My grandparents warned my parents of all the bad things of adopting one of "them". They totally melted when they got to hold me the first time I am now my maternal grandmother's favorite grandchild

My dad once said it was a mistake to adopt me. Children should be raised with people "like them" whatever that means and with the culture they were born into. My dad is also, along with my mother, but much more so than my mom, the person in my life who has tried the hardest to shove down my throat/pull over my head my birth cultural/ethnic and racial identity.

Others have tried to do the exact opposite and have felt that I owed it to them to show gratitude for the white priveledges I only enjoy through my adoption Yeah I'm in shock at this attitude.

I think all went about it the wrong way. No one left any options open and let me choose. Everyone wanted to tell me what was right.

If your child is interested in the culture of their birth parents, then fine. If not, then don't push it! If they're interested, then support them! Support them whatever their decision regarding their birth heritage. Either should be respect and is acceptable.

I am one of those who does not identify at all with my birth heritage and have no more interest in it than any other culture. I am as Danish as you can be when you're adopted from Thailand and your father is American. That's the only identity I have and want. I have to admit that I often forget that I'm not white but I don't see that as a problem. Just amusing when I look into the mirror and am shocked,lol! Btw, I don't feel any racial group is superior to another group.

My afamily is white, I live in a very white community, those who aren't white are of different nationality than mine (I consider myself a Danish national and not a Thai national), my whole social circle is white and everyone are Danish here. I don't feel a need to identify with anything else.

I certainly don't like to be told that I'm not Danish or less Danish than other Danes and the whole white previlege thing stinks far away of 'The White Man's Burden'.

[Trophy Husband]

Take the kid! Read "I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla" or is it "I'm Vanilla You're Chocolate." These issues will be issues, maybe, but a wayyyyy secondary to basic excellent parenting.

www.adoptingemma.blogspot.com

p.s. When my white cousin said, "she looks like a cupcake with chocolate frosting," I said, "well if she's a cupcake, I'm a cracker." A sense of humour goes a long way!

[shef]

hi,
my name is shefalie...Im new here.....I was also trans -racially placed....I was a fosterered child, unable to be adopted as in my era i was deemed as unadoptable being "half Caste"...I grew up in the UK with a white family.
I wish my paresnt had been able to first of all...talk to me, and talk openly about the fact I was from parents of mixed race and different cultures. I believe openess an dhonesty goes a long way to not feeling confused and ashamed.
I knew my fsoter parents wanted me..and treated me like one of their own, the diffiuclty was, that outside the family i was seen differently and non body helped or supported me to dealw tih the conflict this brought inside of me.
I also had some racial remarks from extended family...my family were ignorant of many things.....educate yourselves, be open to the needs of your child and his her heritage and need for connections to roots, ans wer their questions honeslty and be open to finding them metors or othr people who they can realte to where you might not be able too....and most of all embrace and celebrate their differences...

shefalie

[Misstik333]

Emeraldgems, you have opened my eyes to a few things and I am thankful for that. Shef, you have taught me something big as well.

As an adoptive mommy to a NA/AA little girl she will grow up learning the language of her native tribe as well as be exposed to her Native and AA cultures (i.e. pow wows, cultural events, etc.) just to get her started in learning about her special heritages.

BUT, if and when the time comes that she chooses not to carry them on, then that is when the time comes that our involvement will cease... We must be supportive of her either way.

It is a requirement through the Indian Child Welfare Act to keep cultural awareness alive, but I don't want to shove it down her throat either.

Hhhmmm, a bit of a quarry, I'd say...