[mckenna]

hello,

i have an almost 2 y/o who has been doing a lot of hitting lately (this has been going on about 2 months). on friday, my sister went to his school for an ice-cream social they were having. she said he is the "bully" of the class and hit not only his friends, but also the teachers. i have asked for the teachers to document his behavior, but they only write if he had a good or "bad" morning and afternoon. i think i need to know what is going on in the room and that each teacher is handling the behavior the same. this is not just going on at school, he hits me too. i have tried ignoring it, putting him in his bed for 2 minutes, praising when he doesn't hit, i don't know what to do or where this is coming from. he is such a sweet boy at times and if he ever sees another kid crying he goes up to them and gives them a hug but in the same instance has no trouble slugging the next kid if they have a toy he wants or does something he does not like. any suggestions?

[SomeBunniesMom]

Maybe he's hitting because he doesn't know a better way of expressing himself? How well does he talk? This is right about the age where they understand so much but lack verbal skill to express themselves. Maybe you can help him learn to use words and phrases that would better express what he may be feeling -- "no", "stop", "mine", "I'll do it", etc. When you catch him hitting or about to hit hold his hand look into his eyes so that you know you have his attention and say "no hitting, say [stop] instead" or try to figure out what he may be feeling when he is getting ready to hit and fill in the blank with what ever seems right. You can also try play-acting with him a little to give him an idea of what to say when another child takes his toy, or if a child has something that interests him, teach him to ask, "may I see it please?"

I'm a pre-school teacher myself, and aggression is a big problem with many kids this age (especially boys), so don't feel alone. Usually kids outgrow it in my experience, when they become more verbal and less frustrated with their inability to express themselves. One thing you can do is emphasize the behavior you want, rather than just saying, "Don't hit. Stop hitting." Suggest alternatives, like, "Use gentle touches. Use your words to tell us what is wrong." Or if worse comes to worse, you can say something like, "Put your hands on your own body, not on your friend." You can try time-out if all else fails. I wouldn't suggest spanking; I don't think it's a very effective means of curbing violence in children...in my experience it only exacerbates the problem. Honestly, I don't think any punishment really helps prevent hitting at this age. You might try re-direction instead...say, "Hit the ball; Hit the drum, not your friend." You might also make sure the child is not in an overly crowded environment. Kids this age are very sensitive about their personal space being invaded. Give the child his space, especially in the classroom; make sure he has his own spot at the table, with a placemat to clearly delineate "his" activity as opposed to everyone else's. If the children sit on the floor for a story or something, it's a good idea to have them sit on individual carpet squares to define their personal space and prevent them from getting crowded, which leads to aggression in toddlers. Hope this helps...ivy

[mckenna]

thanks for your advice, i have already tried most of these things and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, i guess we will just have to be patient and keep being consistant. thanks again

[janeliz]

I had this exact problem with my daughter who is now 6 and it did NOT go away with her. Turns out she was this way because of attachment disorder. While this behavior could be for several reasons, don't completely dismiss attachment problems in an adopted child (my daughter was adopted at 3 days old).

If attachment is a problem, your child might be acting out because you left him - simple as that. This also fits with him hitting you, believe it or not. You get blamed for everything whether you did it or not.

Try lots of snuggling and eye contact and holding. Try "time in" instead of "time out." If he disobeys enough, he has to stay right by you or sit with you holding him. See if these things do anything over a month's time. It will probably seem like he doesn't want to do any of it first.

I may be completely off base here - forgive me if I am!

Jane

[SomeBunniesMom]

Jane,
I think you brought up a very good point. And yes, that is sometimes overlooked because there usually seems to be more obvious things at work.

Mckenna,
I would try Jane's suggestion to see if it makes any difference for you, since the more "traditional" approaches haven't been much help with the problem.

[mckenna]

i have never heard of attachment disorders in children adopted at such early ages. do you have any books concerning attachment disorder in children placed under the age of one. everything i have ever read has been on children removed from their home or placed for adoption after the age of one. thanks

[SomeBunniesMom]

Yes, attachment disorders can happen with any child, even ones placed as infants. This was a big topic with our adoption agency that required us to attend their waiting parent classes while our adoption processed. i was surprised that not all agencies require waiting parent classes or hand out literature about adoptive parenting.

I can't cite a sorce off the top of my head, but I have read such books as "the Weaver's craft" which addresses these issues, although it focuses mostly on toddler adoption, it does have very good information about the importance of bonding and attachment. I got a lot of my information from the booklet that the agency gave me. other books in my library are "adopting after infertility", "the international adoption handbook", even though you may not have had an international adoption, you still may want to check out the chapters on attachment. Perspectives Press has a great selection of adoption books that cover these and other important adoption related issues. You can also do a topic search on amazon.com which would give helpful reviews from others who have read the books.

Having said all of that, I will tell you basically what i know about bonding and attachment issues as they relate to infants. A baby does form a bond with the birthmother starting in the womb as the baby begins to recognize the sound of her voice and her smell. Being separated from the birthmother is the first broken bond that the baby experiences. Depending on how many caregivers the baby has, a baby may experience serveral bonding experiences, or pass through several caregivers without forming any bonds (which is even worse than experiencing broken bonds). A baby even as young as a few days will experience a form of grief when a bond is broken. How that grief is handled by subsequent caregivers is very important in helping the baby form new bonds. a child doesn't have to be adopted to experience bonding and attachment issues, but because adopted children do change caregivers, and because they have been separated from their birth mother, they are at greater risk. Infants that experience bonding problems sometimes have sleeping problems, night terrors, separation anxieties, behavior problems. However infants and toddlers that do not have bonding problems also experience these things so it is hard to tell for sure what you are dealing with in such small children.

If any of this sounds like it might be right, go ahead and read up on it. The information is fascinating as well as enlightening even if it turns out that it doesn't apply to your situation.

[janeliz]

I find Deborah Gray's Attaching in Adoption to be really easy to read and helpful. Most of the books available refer to children in the foster care system or adopted older, but also do reference the initial separation from birthmother as a reason for attachment disorder. Also, The Primal Wound by Verrier talks a lot about this very important early event. Also, think about it - the earlier something traumatic happens, the more it affects the "grid" through which we view life. I'm now realizing that my 6 year old has seen everything through a grid of abandonment and rejection. No wonder she wants to be in control of everything - no wonder she reacts aggressively to what she sees as an "unsafe" world.

I have heard of attachment disorder even with birthparents - due to early medical problems (put in incubator, etc.) or anything which limits the contact between birthmom and baby. But you're right, and I hear it all the time, no one believes this sort of thing can come from a child adopted at 3 days old like my daughter. It took a long time for me to accept myself, because I loved her so much and stayed at home with her and gave her really good loving care.

For the record, my second daughter was also adopted at 3 days and seems to be well-attached, although it did take her longer to get over separation anxiety and she is a bit developmentally delayed. It is really a case by case thing.

Jane