[cdr25]

Help! My problem is two-fold and I'm not sure which is my bigger concern. Apparently my five year old son has grabbed the crotches and smacked the bums of other kids in his daycare classes a few times over the past weeks (he's five and in senior kindergarten). While I think he's just doing this for the reaction of his 'cool' guy friends (along with the old toilet talk) I'd like to nip this problem in the bud and would like to hear suggestions for this and any other parenting expteriences along this line. But I think though I'm mostly concerned with the daycare. Up until now I would always have said my daycare has been relaxed but very effective about behavior issues and always a nurturing and caring environment. We've always worked well together at handling behavior issues. However, in this instance I was handed, without warning, a handwritten 'Incident Report' from one of the daycare staff outlining this behavior. Frankly I'm shocked and angry that this is the first I've heard of the problem and the manner in which I am hearing it. I am writing a letter to the daycare head of staff but am also looking for any input from other parents.
Thank you!

Single Mom of One Great Boy

[lucyjoy]

Why would his five year old guy friend think this was cool? I think you need to give this behavior more attention then you are.
The day care sounds like it did what it should unless this happened before and they didn't tell you.

[kay2002]

Hi cd, I'm new to this forum, however I saw it for the first time tonight and it caught my eye because this is a forum I can relate to. Not only am I a mother of a 4 year old child, I have been in the field of Early Childhood Development for the past 12 years with a degree. Throughout the course of my career I have worked in Day Care, Playschool, Preschool, been intern director for a day care society, had experience as a family day home coordinator and ran a family day home program after my son was born for a period of time, now I work outside the home fulltime once again in inclusive education being a support worker for children with developmental delays, behavioural concerns, and all types of special needs and disabilities. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I have seen many incidents where 5 year olds are 'curious'. If this is the first time you have been made aware of what was happening in your son's day care setting, it is hoped that the day care staff are professionals and qualified accordingly to not have kept any information on any previous incidents. As well, please do not let an incident report scare you. An incident report form is that similar to an accident report form. When an accident happens it needs to be logged to not only protect the staff but the children as well. When an incident occurs of any type, this info. needs to be logged and put in your child's file. The reason for this is so that it is in your file showing that staff did the appropriate thing by telling you of the incident as well as it showing you are aware should any more incidents occur or other children 'copy' the behavior and parents become concerned. Again, it is in no way or should at least be in no way a way of saying your child is 'bad'. It's to prove that you as the parent was made aware of the incident. For example, if a child bites an incident report is filled out, if the child bites another child, the parent cannot come forth to say it is the staff's fault and deny such incidents occurred. One final note, an incident report remains confidential it in no way should state other children's names on the form or be shown to anyone other than yourself, the staff filling it out and the director.

I know this is long but I hope it helps, again, it is not a form that is to be intended to 'tattle' on your child or to make you feel like you're a terrible parent. If that is what was implied, they need to be spoken to.

~Kay

I have worked in childcare before, until I had my own children. I have to say the majority of daycares pay their employee's minimum wage and don't require a degree in ECE. I am not a big fan of daycares. With that said I do believe at that age all the potty talk and testing limits is normal, but I think you need to put a halt to the behavior immediately!!! If your son did that to my daughter I would be highly upset! My daughter is 4 and in preschool and we have never witnessed or heard of anything like this going on in her shcool, where was his teacher while he was doing this? Have you had a conversation about other people's privacy and not touching?

[kay2002]

You need to remember though, that laws may be different everywhere for Day Care Qualificatios, where I live each room must have one worker with a diploma in ECD and the minumun regulation is for workers to have a level one day care certification certificate, while takig ongoing training (college courses and workshops) and all employess must have a criminal record check as well as a background check completed and a first aid in childcare dertification. If the parent is not the only one with issues of a child displaying such behaviors, and staff are too, then staff should be assisting in helping to make this a private issue and providing mom with strategies to talk to her child about privacy of others and that touching others will not be acceptable.

[janeliz]

I can relate to you a bit because my daughter has had trouble in kindergarten. Most of it has been "usual bad" behavior like being disruptive, maybe hitting or pinching. This really distressed us in itself. Now two months of therapy have shown that she has some attachment problems.

Then recently she has been having really unusual behaviors at school, not unlike what you are describing. That said, one thing I've learned from our therapist - every behavior has a reason. I spent a lot of time restraining and squashing my daughter's behavior, and now when I am not around it comes out. Also, in her case, getting rid of the behavior did nothing to get rid of what was behind the behavior.

I assume your son is adopted. I would do what the others above had said, but keep your eye out. If getting rid of one behavior just makes another one crop up, or if months go by without improvement, you might think about getting at the core of the problem through counseling or something.

[robleto]

I agree with Kay's previous reply... I, too, am in the field of Early Childhood Development and have a Master's Degree in Early Childhood Education. I can tell you from working in the public sector that the daycare is just trying to protect itself by documenting any incidents that may become a problem. Obviously, the problem was serious enough to warrant a "report", so they may be expecting other parents to complain and this way they can say, "We've handled it... an incident report was filed in writing." It might make you feel better to ask the daycare staff what they do with the report and have them clarify the policy on consequences. It might be that after a certain number of incident reports as child must be dismissed from the program. I would find out what, exactly, the ramifications of the report are. Also, someone posted the question, "Where was the teacher?" It bothers me when it is implied that the teacher must've been at fault... obviously, someone was there to witness the event in order to write the report. I believe it is the child's responsibility to fix the behavior, but the parent/s and teacher/s should offer strategies and support for fixing it. This could include getting to the root of the problem as one suggested. All behavior IS caused. You need to find out what is causing it and try ways to make it stop. Good luck! This is something you will get through... then there will be a new and different issue to deal with!!! From the Mother of an adopted 4 year old...