[cdr25]

my 4 yr old refuses to potty train. i have tried everything. he has the control, at the beach and in the pool this summer he held it but wants a diaper to go in. in desperate. people tell me to force him, just take the diapers away. i think its a security thing. what should i do?

[Stormy]

All I can tell you is that my experience with "forcing" has been very negative. My son had control and still seemed to use going on the potty as a control issue. I put him in underware and told him I knew he could do it and I wanted him to use the toilet. For the most part he did. But we still deal with frequent accidents and he deficates in his pants when he is angry with us or with even the slightest change. When I insisted he use the potty I did it with lots of rewards and positive reinforcement. But the reward always got boring and he would go back to accidents. If I had it to do over again, and I do with my baby, I will allow him wait as long as needed. Even if he is 5 when he gets it. He will have to beg me to use the potty before I will make that transition. Maybe talk to your Dr. and make sure there isn't something else going on. I know most kids are potty trained around 3. But that doesn't mean that is right for all kids. I think you can bank on the fact that he won't be 10 and going in a diaper. So just hang in there. Good luck.

[janeliz]

Potty-training was probably the most stressful time I've ever had. My daughter started at 2 years 4 mos. potty training and did fairly well. Then we went on a 2 week trip and she couldn't hold it in the car if we couldn't stop right when she needed to go. So I put her back in diapers for the trip and then she didn't want to go back! Also, we had good days and bad days.

I found out as she turned 3 that she had a severe food allergy. Within the next month as we eliminated that food from her diet she potty trained herself, needing only a nighttime diaper. We did confirm with the doctor that the discomfort and digestive problems caused by the allergy could easily have messed with her ability to know when she had to go, etc.

I guess my point is that there is a reason he won't potty train, and chances are that it isn't all his fault (or decision). It really needs to be "his own project" at this time as he is 4 and understands everything involved.

You didn't mention if there were any other factors with your son - does he have any special needs kinds of issues? A history of rebellious behavior?

I suggest you wash your hands of the matter, especially if you are stressed out over it, at least until you get less invested in the potty training. You can make occasional truthful comments like, "Boy, they don't have any diapers after this size" or "Kids can't go to kindergarten if they aren't potty trained." Be sure to make truthful, matter of fact statements, not ones that are designed to make him feel bad, like "All your friends are potty trained, don't you want to be?" etc. etc.

I wish I could be of more help. I really do feel for you.

Jane

[Miki]

I've found that using a doll that wets itself and holding it over the potty and making a big deal about it when the dolly potties, worked very, very well.

[Teresa K]

Potty training can be an endurance test for parents with certain kids it seems. I will share what I learned with mine. My daughter refused to go potty till she was about four, I tried bribes, you name it. Let her pick out pretty panties, she just did not care, she would wet her pants, throw fits and be back in diapers. Her older brother had went to pre-school, so when she turned four she wanted to go too. By then bro was in school...I told her she could not go in diapers, she would have to go potty herself and tell the teacher when she had to go. The day we discussed this she took the bag of diapers to the garbage and never again had an accident.

My next son was not that bad, but had accidents because he did not want to stop playing. So I got some hooks, let him pick out some toys, then tied them to the bathroom wall so he could only play with them there . That worked well for him and some others I know, probably rather than holes in a wall those suction hooks they have now would suck to the toilet..maybe?

I do not know if either suggestion is possible in other situations, just sharing. Good luck to all. Teresa

[Tigger]

I have no advice, but I can offer lots of empathy. My son turned four in December, and we are also at our wit's end!! We've tried it all too, rewards, sticker board, picking out undies, everything and anything that we could think of. We did actual put him in undies and take his diapers away. He just went in his undies like he was still wearing the pull up. Because he's almost 4 1/2 we finally had to put him in a daycare/preschool or he would miss out on preschool completely. We are hoping that seeing the other kids his age use the potty will help. He also has control of his bladder, and he knows how to use the potty. He just flat out refuses to. Good luck!