[cdr25]

Hi. I'm hoping to get some help/advice here as I feel terrible about this. I have a 4 yo son who has always been a great kid. He's very intelligent and more on the quiet side. When he was a toddler, he was not the type to draw on walls, throw food, throw tantrums, etc. I have a second son who is 1.5 and he is basically the opposite of his brother. He's very active, fussy, mischievous, etc. I can't help but dislike him when he's doing what is probably typical of boys his age...it's just that his brother wasn't that way. He has started to favor his dad and I believe it's because he senses that I'm irritated with him most of the time. How do I accept the fact that he's different? How do I find the patience to deal with his behaviors? I feel like such a bad mom.

[TForistall]

You've already tackled the first hurdle - the biggest one for many people - and that is recognizing that you are reacting differently to your 18 month old child because of his behavior. As adults have different personalities, so do children. The second step is recognizing that no matter what you do, he probably won't change. It's you that has to learn to react differently.

It is completely normal to feel the way you do. Your first child was quiet, and its normal to love a child - any child - when they're quiet. It's much harder with a challenging child. It is completely normal to feel differently - even disappointed - about the second child being more of a challenge. Let yourself be disappointed - it's OK and normal. Don't be too hard on yourself, and take the time, like you're doing through postings in this forum, to understand why you feel this way and how to accept these feelings and move on.

My suggestion is to talk to as many people as possible. Get as much advice, support, and suggestions from friends, family, social workers, pediatricians, etc. as you can. Get an understanding of why you may feel the way you do, and with enough support, encouragement, and venting, eventually your 18 month olds antics won't make you feel as bad as you do now. As a matter of fact, you may actually get to feed off his energy and enjoy yourself. Don't forget to take some time for yourself, by going out for an evening without the kids, or even joining a support group if you're so inclined. Also, getting active kids into a structured program as soon as possible will help them release their energy and give you time to re-charge your batteries.

And no, you're not a bad mom. Bad mom's would never seek support in trying to deal with a difficult situation, like you are doing now by reaching out for advice.

Good luck.