[gracegirl]

We're working with our foster/adopt son on some challenging behaviors, mostly in the form of positive reinforcement, re-dos, and correction -trying to keep it light-hearted and positive. He is almost 3, on track developmentally and does understand cause-and-effect. For example, we've been working on not throwing food on the floor when he doesn't like it. When this happens, we get him down from the table and tell him it needs to get picked up before he eats anything else. After a short fit, he does pick it up.

The behaviors that we're having more trouble re-directing are hitting, kicking, and throwing things at us when he's upset. Obviously when he throws a toy (in anger) we put it up (natural consequence) but it seems like he should also be learning to apologize for such hurtful behavior. Prompting him to say "I'm sorry" works sometimes, other times he just tantrums. He has only been with us for two weeks so we are weary of anything that could damage the attachment we're working on.

At what point do we teach him to sit in time out (with one of us sitting nearby) to calm down until he's ready for a re-do or apology? Whether that's now or next year, any tips on setting a positive tone and making this a routine? Or does it seem like our expectations are too high for this age/newness of placement? Any other suggestions for dealing with hitting, etc.?

Thanks!

[Suzeb1]

I really like two books: Becky Bailey's book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" and "Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen. While I find Bailey's book very wordy at first, and she frequently has a self righteous tone, the ideas are wonderful, positive and really work. It's not adoption specific, but is very attachment positive.

It's unfortunate that Cogen's book has "International" in the title, because it's applicable to all non-newborn adoptions. Her work on "first year home" reactions and responses is wonderful and would be great for where you are in your journey.

For your son, the framework that I would work from is that he is likely very scared and has no skills to be able to communicate what he is feeling and no skills to handle the intensity of what he is feeling. You may be able to help him manage how he is feeling by teaching him to breathe slowly and deeply, by having a safe space with a pillow and soft toys, by empathizing in toddler language with him "this is HARD" "you are MAD" (this approach never worked with my dd, but is miraculous with some kiddos)

The sophisticated skill of saying "I'm sorry" isn't mastered in even well-attached from birth 3 year olds, so I wouldn't worry about it at all yet. I would focus on helping him have the self regulation skills to manage the intensity of emotions he is feeling.

If, after time, you see that he just doesn't seem to be able to do so, he may have other challenges that get in the way of self regulation (things such as sensory processing disorder, etc) which a lot of our kids have.

All the best to you!!

Susan

[GrumblersRidge]

I am not an expert at this by any means but here is my experience. My 16-month-old who came home at 10 months also hits, headbutts, bites and twists nipples very hard. He has seriously good aim. He will wait until I am unprepared and then headbutt me in the face very hard, hard enough to break glasses a few times. He has a really nasty bite and appears to know it very well. He doesn't do this stuff randomly but when he wants to announce that he wants something or is a bit upset. If very upset, he simply screams and goes completely rigid. I'm visually impaired and it is very hard for me to see this stuff coming so I get really frustrated with it. He is at an age that is hard to set limits with for any child and he has significant anxious attachment issues. He can't handle being more than a few feet away from me. So, I can't do the obvious thing and put some distance between us when he does things that hurt. So far, at this age I don't know what to do. If he had been home more than a year and he was three, I think I would do time-in, as in very boring time-out but with me. But if your child hasn't been home more than a few weeks, I thin you're in a tough situation too.

My barely three-year-old, who came home at 3 months is very conscious of when she hurts someone and readily says she is sorry, sometimes genuinely sometimes to try to avoid time-outs for hurting the little one. I've tried everything else I can think of to avoid time-outs. We have a rule that if she tells me what she did to the baby, she gets no consequence except a stern "No, hitting is not okay. Hitting hurts." I have to do this, whether it works or not because with my bad eyesight I have to keep her honest about safety issues with the baby. She doesn't always choose to tell me anyway but she does say she's sorry. :P I think she says she's sorry because when I get too frustrated and yell at her, I say I'm sorry.

Arianna