[teeger671]

We are frustrated in part because being a good boy to our 3yr old foster child is getting what he wants....not the good behavior. He often doesn't seem to understand what behavior we want and what behavior he did that was inappropriate.
Are there ways beyond our talks that can help or does he understand better than we realize and we need more faith?

Any advise would be appreciated!!

Thanks!!

[BeckyS]

My youngest is 3 and that age is notorious for struggling with impulse control. To me, I think it's incredibly important to separate good/bad behavior and good/bad boy. I'm certainly no expert, but what we have concentrated on is taking it an incident at a time. If ds displays bad behavior, then it's explained to him that it was a bad choice and he gets a consequence, such as a time out (maybe a time in for a foster child instead).

Without examples, it sounds like your fc's actions may be pretty typical for his age. It sounds like you may just need to reinforce his good choices and explain his poor choices to him. Of course, all this is without knowing if there are extremes to his behavior.

[lovemy2boys]

Becky is right...without specific examples it is hard to say whether or not the behavior is normal...

I must say that I have 2 boys (both adopted at infancy) and 3 was definately the toughest age...they want independence, and want what the want when they want it, and if they didn't get it, well, let's just say that a 3 year old can bring you to your knees...

Consistency is the key...One of the behaviors that my youngest had at 3 was throwing things...Didn't matter if he was happy, sad, ticked, whatever. He threw everything...We were consistent, and the behavior stopped...but let me tell ya - it took a year. Not an easy fix.

What kind of behaviors is your child exhibiting?

ETA: I just saw your other thread...I read that your son has only been in your home for a month, and that he has special needs...You said "when he won't do what he needs to to get out of trouble and just digs a whole deeper". I'm sure you probably meant this different than it sounds (it's hard to really convey our true intent over the web, isn't it?) but a 3 year old doesn't have the cognative skills necessary to to counteract behavior in order to get themselves out of trouble...That's just not within their realm of understanding...

Your one example is that your FS jumped on your stomach...That sounds like typical 3 yr old behavior to me...Now unless something lead up to this, it's hard to tell where his frame of mind was...and I see that your DH was angry because he's very "protective" of you...and that's very commendable. But really, a 3 year old, especially one with special needs, doesn't understand the "extra" consequences of jumping on a person with medical issues, so although it is normal to be upset at the behavior, it is important to distinguish being upset at the behavior, and being angry at the young child because you are feeling protective over another adult...Does this make any sense?

What other situations have there been? And are there any "triggers" that lead up to these "issues" that your FS has? It may be helpful to try to pinpoint these triggers, and when you see them coming, take appropriate actions to redirect your FS...And remember - this is all so new...with time and consistency, things can change...but remember - he's in a new environment, with new parents and new rules, he has special needs, and it is the holidays, which makes everything all the more intense...

[CaddoRose]

Reward him for the good behavior. I mean everything he does that is correct, like eating his food and not throwing it, sitting in the floor playing with toys or even just being there and not in a tantrum. Sometimes it's hard to remember to reinforce the behavior we want, because they aren't doing something that is driving us crazy. This way, when he does something that you don't want, you can redirect him or give him timeout and explain in as few words as possible what he did that you don't like. He might be old enough to start a chart with days and get stars/stickers if he does his chores and behaves. This way he can learn first hand what behavior gets a sticker and at the end of the week a reward and what behavior will keep him from getting that sticker.Never take away an earned sticker or reward.

[MBear]

All of the previous advice is great and you do have to consider his needs, but you also may want to try modeling the appropriate behavior. The repetition or hand over hand often works while demonstrating the behavior you are working to achieve. Good luck and lots of patience!

[akash]

just saw your other thread...I read that your son has only been in your home for a month, and that he has special needs...You said "when he won't do what he needs to to get out of trouble and just digs a whole deeper". I'm sure you probably meant this different than it sounds (it's hard to really convey our true intent over the web, isn't it?) but a 3 year old doesn't have the cognative skills necessary to to counteract behavior in order to get themselves out of trouble...That's just not within their realm of understanding...