[jalapeno]

I'm just sad today about a little boy. No great tragedy I suppose (probably far too common) but sad nonetheless.

And it's possible I'm reading too much into the situation. But it seems like some parents are just tougher on boys.

I know a mom and her son (not yet two years old). Well, I know them in passing - they are in a class I go to with my sons and so I don't necessarily have a lot of free time to get to know them. But it seems to me the mom is kind of rough with her son. I believe she only has one child.

Here's an example: If her son hits another child, she scolds him sharply. If he's the one who gets hit, she tells him "you're ok" and "you shouldn't have been bothering so-and-so anyway".

If he's crying, he's told "go play".

She "complains" about how much he likes to climb on things and get into things and how rough he is. But he really seems like a typical toddler boy to me. Except that I don't really see him get cuddled and babied.

Today during class this mom dropped her son. Probably 3+ feet. A solid DROP. He hurt his ankle. I think he was more or less ok because he was walking around and smiling within a few minutes. Limping a little but still stepping on his foot properly. Well, ok, he got a little bit of cuddling and an "I'm sorry" from his mom (sincere - I don't want to make her out to be a total ogre). But then she also made the comment at one point that they wouldn't be trying that particular stunt again because he wasn't as talented as the other boy that tried it (who's mother didn't drop him).

I just wonder if she's aware of what she's doing. My younger DS is getting to be pretty rough and tough too. And we have our rough and tumble play time for sure. But I still cuddle him and kiss his boo boo's. And I'm sure I'll do that until he's physically able to stop me.

For those of you with older boys, am I just reading too much into this do you think? Should I expect a "dose of reality" a few months down the road with my own son?

[Betelnut]

I think some parents want to "toughen" up their child, no matter what the sex.

A few months ago I was at a local park and got to talking to a women who was there with her daughter who was about the same age as my daughter (2 1/2 years old). At one point, her daughter, up on a high slide, fell down almost the entire length of the slide sideways, partially on her face (sliding down the slide face down on the edge of the slide). I would estimate it was a sliding fall of about 4-5 feet. My own daughter has done this before and we had to go to the doctor for antibiotics because she had bitten the inside of her mouth and lip and broken the skin. So it wasn't a terrible/life threatening fall but it was scary and potentially could have hurt her daughter.

The child started to cry and, instead of comforting her, I was shocked when the women simply said, "Oh shake it off, shake it off." The child had just fallen/slid out of control for more than the length of her own body with her face dragging on the edge of the slide. I wonder how the women would have felt if SHE had fallen face down on something for 5-6 feet? At the very least, even an adult would have taken a few minutes to get back his or her composure and test his or her body to make sure nothing was broken!

So some people must think that a quick hug and "Are you okay?" will somehow make their child weak. It is sad.

Keep hugging your son! There is a big difference between hugging/cuddling and "babying," in my opinion. "Babying" means you haven't realized that your child has moved on to another stage emotionally and means you are refusing to see that he/she is growing up. It evenutally is demeaning. But hugging and kissing is for everyone! It has been shown that, statistically, parents tend to hug their sons less as they get older. How can that be a good thing?

[jalapeno]

Originally Posted by Betelnut

It has been shown that, statistically, parents tend to hug their sons less as they get older. How can that be a good thing?

Very sad.

My older DS is VERY snuggly and frequently asks to be held. I did wonder when he was younger if maybe we "babied" him to much. He seemed to take forever to start crawling and forever to start walking. But looking back I really think that was just his timetable. If anything, I think those extra snuggles and hugs may have helped to keep him on track developmentally. It's easier to see that now that he's older. He's actually quite an explorer. He'll wander much farther than my other kids if I let him. And I like to think part of that is because he feels he's got a secure "home base" to come back to.

I suppose my younger DS is more independent. Certainly he's more physically difficult to hold as he's bigger and stronger. And he often will fight me if he's not in the mood to be held. But even when he won't let me actually hold him, I'll still sneak in those gentle touches and words. And there are times when he absolutely needs those cuddles. This morning he woke up early and started crying. I went to get him to rock him for a bit. He initially really fought to be put down. But I sung to him and held him as gently as I could. Before long he was back asleep with his arms around me. That's what he wanted and needed - he just didn't necessarily know it.

Anyway, I hope all the little boys (and girls) out there get the hugs they need today . . .

[lovemy2boys]

Good grief! My youngest is turning 5 and I can't keep him off my lap! Matter of fact, he's sitting on me right now, dressed to the nines as a stormtrooper, begging me to put a "smilie" on the page...

This is complements of JD!

When my kids get hurt (which is CONSTANT), I don't do the whole "oh my goodness baby boy - are you ok?? smother smother" but I DO say "Hey bud - are you ok? I bet it hurts, huh?" and I'l take care of whatever needs to be taken care of - if it is a big injury, I will definately smother though

I don't know - my boys are pretty rough and tumble kids...but hugs and smooches are DEFINATELY a BIG part of our life too!

[RavenSong]

This is so sad to read. I was born in the 1950's, a time when almost all boys were raised much more harshly than girls. You know, the "boys don't cry" mentality. I remember feeling so sorry for my fellow classmates in elementary school who were boys. Whenever we got report cards, you always knew that the boys who didn't do well were going to get the belt that night. The teachers even sort of gloated about it.

All children need cuddling, IMO...both boys and girls. I hate it when I hear about parents stifling their sons' emotions, their creativity. It's an abusive mind-set that's been passed down for generations in our society. And I think it is just plain wrong.

I remember when my nephew was about two years old. My brother told me one day how his boss used a belt on his son, who was the same age, and how well that child behaved his father. I looked my brother squarely in the eye and told him that the first time he used a belt on my nephew was the day I'd go to CPS, no questions asked.

I'm not sure how "toughened up" boys become by this sort of treatment. I do think they become "broken", not "toughened". And it makes me sad.

[lovemy2boys]

You know, I've been thinking of this thread today as I've watched my boys play, and I remembered something that happened last spring...

My oldest son has a little friend that he's known since the ripe ole' age of 14 months

Last year I was driving AJ and several of his classmates to their KG. fieldtrip...

The kids (boys and girls alike) were talking about tripping and falling and how sometimes they cry when they get hurt.

Well J (my son's friend) says "I never cry - I'm a MAN".

I was so taken aback! I said "J, it's ok to cry!" and he said "No - I'M A MAN AND MEN DON'T CRY".

I mean, this had to come from SOMEWHERE (and I know it's from his dad, but that's a thread all of it's own).

I would be HEARTBROKEN if my kids felt this way. Or thought that we as their parents felt this way.

[qs mom]

My son is 8. He has been home for 5 years. He didnt' know how to cry. I had to teach him. I over acted every boo boo until he realized it was ok to cry and I would take care of him.

He is now 8. My friends and relatives think that I am to strict and too harsh on my son. My son is special needs. He requires very firm, constant guidelines. Things other parents let their kids get away with, I will not.

He'll come over for attention with a bump or such and I'll send him away - you're fine!

Sometimes we don't know all the information!

Oh, an example. My son crawled under the table at our local pizza place. He is a sensory kid. I grabbed him by the hair. I did not pull his hair, I did not yank him up by the hair. I had a firm handful, to get his sensory back on track. A man came over to me and screamed at me! I SAW WHAT YOU DID! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I DID THAT TO YOU! I didn't hurt him anymore than I would have shampooing his hair! But the man didn't have all the information.

[lovemy2boys]

Q - you make a really great point.

JD also had some pretty severe sensory/emotional issues (he's doing so much better now! )

I remember when he was 2 1/2 - his speech/PT school had a family day at the zoo. I was SO glad to be somewhere where we would be around simliar children!

Well, we happened to be in the Polar Bear exhibit - it's very cold in there, and you walk in one of those clear "tunnel" type things under the water, where you can see the Polar Bears and Sea Lions swimming overhead.

Well, JD had a meltdown - too cold, too many people, too much stimulation...and it was so crowded that we just couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Anyway, as we made our way out of the tunnel, this woman approached us and said to JD "You really need to learn how to behave" and to us, she said "If my kids acted like that I'd NEVER leave the house!"

Sigh...and because I can't control my tongue when I'm feeling stressed, I said, "Well, if my kids acted like YOU, I'd never ALLOW them out of the house!"

Moral of the story - things aren't always as they appear.

[kretzklan]

My oldest DS is now 12. There are definitely double standards and they can get worse as they get older. I'll admit I was the "shake it off" mom - but I'm that way with my DD as well as my two boys. I don't know a kid that age who would admit to cuddling with mom, but my son goes through stages where he needs more attention and more love. He'll initiate it and I guess I let that be the norm. He gets a daily hug...but I can't push myself - if I become that mom I'm scared that he won't come to me with "stuff". I see my neighbor with her DD (close to same age as DS1) and it's different. They are more physically close on a daily basis. Maybe it's just kid by kid - not all based on gender? I guess I'll know more as DD gets older!

[jalapeno]

QS and Love - Very true. I've occasionally been in situations where I really thought another parent was being somehow inappropriate with their kids (not disciplining or not being attentive or whatever). I've never been in a situation where I actually felt I needed to say something though. Most of the time I figure there's probably something I don't know about what's going on. Certainly I've been though my share of public meltdowns with my DD (and increasingly with the boys). No doubt there are times others secretly question my own parenting skills.

It's a difficult line to walk. Because there are also kids out there who are legitimately experiencing abuse of some kind. And they rely on someone to step in to ask the hard questions. I definitely don't think that's the case with the woman I mentioned in the OP. I think a big part of it is probably that I just don't know her that well and she has a different parenting style than my own.

This type of stuff has just been on my mind lately I suppose. I'm glad to have this discussion going.

[lovemy2boys]

jalapeno - I've met women like the one you're talking about in your OP...and I know exactly how you are feeling...

And as moms, our first instinct is to think about the child's feelings...and when you see a child whose mom makes the kind of back handed comments like the one you mentioned, I can see why your heart goes out to them...

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

Q - you make a really great point.

JD also had some pretty severe sensory/emotional issues (he's doing so much better now! )

I remember when he was 2 1/2 - his speech/PT school had a family day at the zoo. I was SO glad to be somewhere where we would be around simliar children!

Well, we happened to be in the Polar Bear exhibit - it's very cold in there, and you walk in one of those clear "tunnel" type things under the water, where you can see the Polar Bears and Sea Lions swimming overhead.

Well, JD had a meltdown - too cold, too many people, too much stimulation...and it was so crowded that we just couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Anyway, as we made our way out of the tunnel, this woman approached us and said to JD "You really need to learn how to behave" and to us, she said "If my kids acted like that I'd NEVER leave the house!"

Sigh...and because I can't control my tongue when I'm feeling stressed, I said, "Well, if my kids acted like YOU, I'd never ALLOW them out of the house!"

Moral of the story - things aren't always as they appear.

Lovemy2boys, I can't believe that woman had the nerve to say such a rotten thing to both you and your little boy. I hope you told her off...

I totally emphasize with your son on this experience. I get a very panicky feeling when I go through those "tubes" to see the underwater animals. I also feel very claustophobic whenever I'm underground. Whenever I go to the zoo, in fact, there's usually a time or two during the excursion that I have to get away from the crowds.

Sometimes when I'm reading the descriptions here of sensory disorders, I wonder if that's one of my problems. Does anyone know a good website that has in-depth information about sensory disorders?

[lovemy2boys]

Raven,

Yeah - I got pretty snarky with that woman...The zoo seems to be my danger zone...I almost gave a smack down to a woman who was UNBELIEVABLY rude to my mom this summer - she was vile! UGH! I'm usually a peace loving girl, but the zoo apparently brings out the worst in me! lol

Here's a decent website on SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) with a check list for adults...

Adolescent & Adult SPD Checklist

[RavenSong]

Lovemy2boys, thank you for pointing me to that website. After taking the screening test, I don't think I have SPD. However, I have a couple family members that I could have checked off every single symptom for, lol.

Seriously, I have always been super-sensitive to odors and noise. (But not tactile sensations that the screening tool lists.) It seems that my sensitivity to odors and noise has increased a lot this past year. I guess it could be perimenopause or something having to do with hormones.

The sensitivity to noise and sounds may also have something to do with me being a musician. My mom is also a musician (pianist), and she has the same sensitivity to sound...

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

Here's a decent website on SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) with a check list for adults...

Adolescent & Adult SPD Checklist

I'm a bit confused by the checklist. In some cases, any response to certain things appears to be an indicator. For example:

__ __ avoid amusement park rides that spin or go upside down
__ __ seek out fast, spinning, and/or upside down carnival rides

So, if you like spinny rides, or dislike them, it's an indicator for SPD? Most people will answer yes to one or the other of those questions. There are quite a few other similar examples.