[lovemy2boys]

I think it's all about extremes...

Like - I think roller coasters are cool...Do I have SPD? No My DH doesn't care for them. Does he have SPD? No

But if I SEEK OUT that stimulation, if I NEED that stimulation, and seek out other similar avenues, then this can be a marker. My brother is like this. He NEEDS that super stimulation.

My son is the polar opposite...EVERYTHING is too much stimulation...Tags in clothes are bothersome to him. They are bothersome to me, but within a normal variance. For him, even the softest, smoothest, non obtrusive tag are hyper stimulating to him. Same thing with shirts that are embroidered - the thread bothers him. Same thing with rain. And wind. And sand. And food textures. And on and on and on.

I remember a few years ago, my son had to go get some tests because they thought he had a heart defect. They were running this wand-type thing over his chest. He was SCREAMING that it hurt. The nurses basically thought he was a brat, saying that there was NO WAY he could feel what was happening. The doc said "does he have sensory issues?" "Why yes he does". Well, there you go.

Now, he has gotten better. In fact, we almost don't even notice it so much.

Lists like that are always confusing...and of course one thing here or there means little...but if you see a pattern, then you may have something.

[JGarrick]

Sorry - didn't mean to hijack the thread with that last post.

In reply to the OP, I think I'd keep an open mind, based on what I've read. Some of my kids have gone through awfully whiny phases where my patience for nursing all their little bumps and settling their fights has gotten pretty thin.

I think there's a gray area between providing some TLC and not letting a kid learn to dust himself off and pick himself up when he falls over. Not knowing the family - I think I'd be inclined to give the mom the benefit of the doubt and assume she has some idea of how much attention the kid needs to get back to what he was doing.

It depends a lot on the child also. My twins get pretty upset over bumps and bruises. With my youngest, for anything that doesn't require a cast or stitches, you can stand him up, dust him off, ask if he's OK and he'll take off playing again.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

...and of course one thing here or there means little...but if you see a pattern, then you may have something.

Good point about the patterns. Liking or not liking spinny rides, or spicy foods, or whatever means little in isolation, but a pattern of needing very high or very low stimulation in everything is enlightening.

We now return you to the original thread topic.

[qs mom]

With SI - it is basically sensory seeking or sensory avoidance.

My son touches everything, everyone, moves constantly, spins without getting dizzy, eats spicy hot foods and sour, tart foods with out even a change in facial expression.

And with SI, you could be sensory seeking in once sense, but avoidant in another. The key is looking at it compared to peers

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by qs mom

And with SI, you could be sensory seeking in once sense, but avoidant in another. The key is looking at it compared to peers

It's quite challenging, is it not?

[Stormster]

Getting back to OP i am a nurture machine but DS will not be held....unless it's a bad injury. He's had maybe 3 where he let one of us hold him. We nurture in other ways because of this....a quick hug, a song, sometimes his bottle or his lovey. We have a whole menu of things that compensate for our less than snuggly baby. He has three cries: bad injury, tired and you took something away whine. He does not cry over normal falling down.

I am SURE he has taken some spills at the park where my perceived under reaction got some glances of disapproval. I've seen it! I usually apologize to the other parent "he doesn't need me to pick him up....he's very tough" I mean I don't know what to say! He always does the slide face first and once he fell and got up and walked away before I even got to him!

So no you can't always know the whole story. The "men don't cry" thing or the "shake it off" thing to me that's not reading the child's signal. That's just an un-nurturing parent. Breaks my heart actually

[Stormster]

Oh and btw I have always thought E had mild sensory issues because he has a very high pain tolerance and has always liked to be vigorously rocked, upside down, etc. even as a very young infant. Some other stuff.

I think it's very very mild and probably wouldn't have picked up on it if i hadn't seen the check list a few months ago. But may have something to do with what things may seem like at the playground!

[jalapeno]

Ok, here's another slight shift from topic . . .

I've seen the inconsistency with regard to hitting with other parents as well (not usually as pronounced as with the mom in the OP).

So if a kid hits another kid, he's disciplined and told its not ok. But if he's the one who gets hit, he's told "oh, you're ok" or "well, why don't you share with her then?"

I'm sure I've been guilty of this myself but I'm watching out for it now. I really want my kids to get a consistent message that it's not ok to hit. Maybe it's kind of akward at times because I know my child really isn't hurt and I want to let the other parent know that I'm not actually upset about their child hitting mine. But I still try to give my child the message that it wasn't ok for the other child to hit them - that it's ok if they're upset about it - that it's fair for the other child to appologize or whatever.

And it goes for sharing toys too. Like today at the doctor's office, there was a little girl playing in the waiting room. She didn't want to share the toys that were there with my son. She got kind of mean about it actually (she was 2 years or so). Well, I have a two year old DD. I know how it goes with not wanting to share. It certainly didn't bother me that the girl was acting her age. Her parents made several attempts to get her to share. And I knew we'd only be there a minute anyway. It crossed my mind to tell them "it's ok, I'll just hold my DS while we wait". And probably he would have adjusted to that just fine. But his first choice clearly was to play. And why not? They were toys that belonged to the doctor's office. They were there for my son as well as the other little girl. So I just smiled at the other parents (in an attempt to show them I understood) and encouraged my son to find something to play with despite the little girl. A little akward? I suppose. But how could I expect my son to ever learn why it's important to share if I send the message that it's ok if other kids don't share with him?

Ok, so there are some other random thoughts of mine!

Thanks everybody for the posts so far. I'm finding this a really interesting thread!!

[lovemy2boys]

I'm fortunate that neither of my kids are hitters (now sharing is a whooole other story).

I've seen the situations you're describing in terms of the hitting...and in the situations where my kids get/got hit, if they came to me, I'd explain to them that hitting is wrong, but I don't think I ever added a "but" as in "but you shouldn't have been doing such and such.

Sharing exhausts me...My kids are GREAT when sharing with random kids in public (like the train table at the bookstore) but are AWFUL with each other/friends. I've curbed most of it by buying the kids duplicate toys, but when we only have 1 of something, it's usually a battle. My little one (who is definately not the alpha brother) ALWAYS seems to get the short end of the stick...so I have to step in, even though I'd prefer if they could work it out on their own. If things get too bad, I'll just take the toy away...which really isn't fair to the little guy, but by that time I'm usually too wiped out to be diplomatic.

But I've "been there" with kids who won't share with mine...and if the other child is unwilling, and won't even share with some gentle coaxing on my part, I usually tell my kids to just let it go...Not that they do...lol

Ideal? Not really. But I haven't figured out how to get around threatening other peoples children like I do my own without causing an uproar...

And I wish I could say it gets easier when they get older...but then you probably wouldn't believe me if you've seen two kids and a video game system...

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

...but I don't think I ever added a "but" as in "but you shouldn't have been doing such and such.

I certainly have. My kids will get in each others business and faces and push (metaphorically speaking, but sometimes also literally) and push and push until it comes to blows.

When that happens, it's a good lesson for both of them. One gets punched and learns that annoying and aggravating someone to the point where you provoke a violent response isn't too smart, while the other learns that breaking the "no hitting" rule in our house has consequences.

[lovemy2boys]

Joe - I get what you're saying, and I agree.

My kids truly never have been in a situation where they've provoked another non familial kid to the point where the other child should hit...

Ex: One of my boys was on this bounce thing that has replaced the old school see saws at the playground. A kid told him to get off. AJ said I just got on. The kid told him again, AJ said I'll give you a turn when I'm through. The kid knocked him off. I didn't see that as a provocation, thus didn't say "It was wrong for him to hit you, but you should have given him a turn."

And in our home, hitting, pushing, whatever is so rare (we are very fortunate), that if/when it does occur, that is so out of the norm that the hitting is the focus.

Believe me - we have plenty of discussions (hourly - it seems haha) about aggravating each other.

In fact, in our house, it seems like the big negative behavior trait is the smart mouth. My kids are generally good kids - nice to us, nice to each other, but they sass, and "mimic" each other when they aren't getting along - FRUSTRATING! But it RARELY ever comes to blows, thank goodness.

DH and I have been working on this behavior, but it seems to be getting worse rather than better...

[BrockBaby]

As I was reading through the thread I was thinking along the same lines that someone (I forget now and for some reason my screen is not scrolling down) was saying that the "mom" may feel that she needs to "lessen" her kids "hurts" because she doesn't want the other parents to feel bad. I could understand how a person could/would feel like that. Perhaps when her kids hit, ect she feels that others think that it is somehow a reflection of her...and she doesn't want others to feel the way that she does when she is on the opposite side of the situation. Make sense?! So many times we react to things because of the way we have felt in similiar situations. For instance, maybe someone said something stupid that hurt your feelings, but you can remember a time you said something stupid that hurt someones feelings when you REALLY didn't mean to...and although you apologized, ect when it is then done to you, you feel like you need to say..Oh it's okay.it's okay...I am fine, because you don't want that person to feel what you felt in the similiar situation.....I read WAYYYY into things!!! LOL But it is true that most of the time we don't know why people do the things they do.....

So what is the solution to discussing this parent? Could you maybe strike up a conversaton with her? Are you around her during the class? Perhaps you could add a little friendly, hey buddy...you okay!?! Model some behavior...perhaps give him encouragement and her....People can not give out what they don't have..that is a truth that I live by. I can not expect myself or another person to "give" what I or they don't have.....

[jalapeno]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

. . . was saying that the "mom" may feel that she needs to "lessen" her kids "hurts" because she doesn't want the other parents to feel bad.

This is how it sometimes seems to me. And of course I'm bound to be wrong at times (maybe even often). But it's as though the mom is brushing off the child's feelings in order to be polite (well, and perhaps to toughen him up). And maybe if the child is expected to honor other kids' feelings when he hits then perhaps his own hurts could be validated when he's the injured party. It's not even as though the particular child in question is really much of a hitter. He's just a normal two year old and that stuff occasionally happens.

And as others have pointed out, sometimes the child who gets hit really is the instigator and they need discipline as well. I can understand that. I don't really see that with the child in my OP but it's very possible his mother sees things that I don't. After all, I'm chasing after my own kids too.

And really, I'm fully aware that I'm still a "new" parent and probably pretty naive and idealistic about child raising issues still. I've always been sort of a "live and let live" kind of person and don't tend to want to get involved in the affairs of others. But I'm finding as a parent that there are many times when I feel some sense of responsibility to the kids I see on a regular basis. And overall I think that's a good thing. But I suppose I'm still sorting out my feelings on these types of issues.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

...Believe me - we have plenty of discussions (hourly - it seems haha) about aggravating each other.

In fact, in our house, it seems like the big negative behavior trait is the smart mouth. My kids are generally good kids - nice to us, nice to each other, but they sass, and "mimic" each other when they aren't getting along - FRUSTRATING! But it RARELY ever comes to blows, thank goodness.

DH and I have been working on this behavior, but it seems to be getting worse rather than better...

In fairness to my kids, I must say that this isn't exactly happening constantly. Rereading my last post makes my living room sound like a boxing ring.

For the most part my kids behave pretty well, and are very well behaved in public. At home, we sort of let them cut loose a little more, and try to let them settle their own disputes as much as possible. We only really intervene when it turns into a BIG shouting match, or someone starts hitting.

I agree entirely on the smart mouth behavior. We get a lot of that. In fact, that's almost always where the escalation starts. Disputes over most things get settled without too many harsh words unless someone starts throwing insults. That's when the fun begins.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by JGarrick

In fairness to my kids, I must say that this isn't exactly happening constantly. Rereading my last post makes my living room sound like a boxing ring.

Funny thing is, I didn't picture a boxing ring at all...What I DID picture was my brothers and I as kids aggravating each other to no end - oh lordy - don't know how my parents made it through in one piece!

It's strange - because although my kids are "angels" in the ways that we've been discussing, they are complete MANIACS at home! They are constant whirls of motion, they are so rough on EVERYTHING!!! toys, furniture, clothes ugh! And the crazy thing is, they aren't really doing it in a disrespectful manner, they are just...so...unbelievably...full of energy!

They remind me of a tv show where a couple goes to visit their neighbors, and when the door opens, you see a house full of kids in Indian headdresses and Cowboy hats running around whooping it up and jumping on furniture, dogs running around knocking plants over, and the parents looking like they are 100 years old...

Only thing is, it's just me, DH and the 2 kids...well, and one obnoxious parakeet...

So it's funny because I read situations like jalapeno is talking about, and on one hand, I feel fortunate that I haven't had to "deal" with those for the most part (but my kids are still relatively young).

But then on the other hand, I have a whole other wild, crazy, noisemaking can of worms to work with...

and I wouldn't have it any other way!