[bromanchik]

Originally posted by KristieMaureen
"whomever feels like it "stinks" you all should thankful you are alive."


This is EXACTLY the attitude that infuriates many adoptees... this expectation of eternal gratitude for simply being given the opportunity to breathe. We're alive... we simply shouldn't demand anything more from anyone.

You know, I never understood the theroy that kids should be grateful to their birthparents because they chose not to abort. I don't get that people should automatically be grateful to their parents for having adopted or given birth to them. People do not ask to be adopted or born.

Like any other relationship, gratitude, love and trust are earned by the care and concern we show to each other. I am grateful for my parents, not only that they gave birth to me, but for all the love, support and respect I have gotten from them over the years.

I, as a birthmother, do not exp;ect my son to thank me for giving birth to him. If anything I expect him to someday be a bit angry at me for making such a life altering decision for him in which he had no input. So far he has not, but then we have been in a fully open adoption since his birth and he has grown up knowing he is a priority in my life, even though I was not able to parent him at the time he was born. I hope that has made some difference. The honor and gratitude in being his first mother is all mine.

[solonely1974]

"whomever feels like it "stinks" you all should thankful you are alive."


This is EXACTLY the attitude that infuriates many adoptees... this expectation of eternal gratitude for simply being given the opportunity to breathe. We're alive... we simply shouldn't demand anything more from anyone

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First off, when I said one should be thankful you are alive I wasn't implying that you should be gratful that the birthmother didn't abort you. I was just saying that birthmothers had chooses. And they chose to put their children up for adoption instead of throwing us away in a dumpster. It wasn't an easy way out for them. It was a mature decision some mothers do make.

I don't know.

Sarah

[M.Fontana]

maybe i am interpreting this wrong, but i dont understand why anyone would fault a mother for doing what she thought was best for her child at that time. many of us make decisions that we come to regret, including ones that have life altering ramifications for other people. after you are grown, you must take responsibility for your actions. i have more respect for mothers that give their precious children up for adoption than i do mothers that "leave their waste in dumpsters". i would rather be a precious child to at least one person than waste to anyone. just my opinion

[bromanchik]

I think it is really important that we clarify something here. Women who put their babies in dumpsters are mentally ill. They are not thinking to themselves "I have a choice here. I could put my baby in a dumpster or I could place him/her for adoption." They are not "thinking" much at all. They are reacting to intense feelings of panic and shame that have nothing to do with the baby. They do not see the baby as human, they see it as a "problem" they need to hide and get rid of.

That is why "safe haven" legislation does not work. The women who use safe havens would have gotten their children to a safe place in other ways. They would have gotten the services they deserve. The women it is supposed to target are not thinking clearly enough to use them. (Take a look at the statistics) Instead of the band-aide of safe havens we need to get services to women while they are pregnant.

[M.Fontana]

I completely agree with you on that point. I was trying to understand why someone, if given the choice, would choose almost certain death over the option of being an adoptee. Should there be more education and programs for pregnant women? Certainly.

[LegallyKim]

I think KristieMaureen came as close to saying how I feel as anyone. No one has to be "grateful" for being born, etc., although I am grateful to my mother for giving me life and I am not adopted. Life is a really neat gift if you use it right. There is one reason for having a baby, keeping a baby or placing a baby for adoption, and that is love. There are birthmothers who placed their baby for adoption to conceal their immorality, their are adoptive parents who do not care for their adopted child very well and there are many other bad circumstances that occur. But I do believe that the majority of birthmothers and adoptive parents love their children. I am a birthmother and an adoptive mother. I did not have a choice as a birthmother, my parents made that choice for me. My adopted son's mother had a choice, and she had other priorities. There are so many different circumstances and events that affect our decisions. I wish that all birthmothers, adopted children and adoptive parents would talk to eachother before reaching their decisions about eachother. My son may hate me right now, and I would completely understand if he does, but I do hope one day to have the opportunity to explain to him why he was placed for adoption and that I love him very much and always have. I don't expect anything from him, I only hope for forgiveness for the hurt my decisions may have caused him, and a chance to let him know how much I have always loved him and always will. There are always two sides to every story, please be mature enough and kind hearted enough to hear both.

[M.Fontana]

My views on adoption are as follows: 1. No one asked to be put on this planet, adoptee or birthchild, so make the best of your situation, be it an unsuccessful adoption or not. 2. I have the utmost respect for birthparents, adoptive parents and their mutual children. 3. It seems the original author of this thread has a high level of immaturity for all members of the adoption triad. (sorry if I interpreted that incorrectly) 4. I have been on both sides of the family (adoptee and adoptive). No one is "grateful" in our family to anyone. We were given a wonderful gift and we gave a wonderful gift. Simple as that. 5. I believe adoption is a WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE. Or at the very least, it has been for our family.

[destefani]

I'm very greatful to my b-mother for giving me life but when i said adoption stinks i was just giving my point of view that's all.
The court's keep all our lives' a secret in a file room they say they are protecting us. but we as adoptee's have a right to know. even though i have been apart of my b-families lives for about three year's know i still can not get my adoption file they will not release it to me even though i know everything.
new subject.
As far as adoption goes i think if the b-parent's have tried everything to be able to keep there child then adoption is the way to go. But only if there is know other way posseble. But a least they can do is try. And yes i know that there are a lot of b-mother's out there that are single my mother was single when i was given up. I'm just saying try if there is know way posseble then adoption is the right way to go .

Like i said this is just my POINT OF VIEW

[M.Fontana]

That is a difficult situation to be in. I would want to know everything that was in my file. However, if I were the birthparent, I would have to consider the reasons why the child was given up. I can see both sides.

[lewellen]

I am an adoptee. I am grateful to my parents for raising me, just as any child should be. I am grateful that I was given up by my bio-mom. My childhood was certainly easier. This is not to say that my adoption was a selfless act on either side. My bio-mom could not raise me, she did the only thing she could. My a-parents wanted a child, they got one. That makes us pretty much even.

[LegallyKim]

Lewallen, that is a very interresting point of view. I am a birthmom and have been talking with the adoptive mom for about 3 months now. She has thanked me several times for giving her a precious gift and I have thanked her several times for taking care of him and for caring enough to let me know, after 15 years, that he is healthy and well and has had a good life. I am anxious to find out how my son feels and hope to speak with him soon.

[buddah]

it would be kinda nice to know if my mom was at all interested in what has been going on in my life for the last 25 years, she doesnt know im maried or anything about me as far as i know, and im sick of paying all this money to find out nothing about her, its nice to know at least some moms care to find out what happened to their kids, and care if they got a good home or not
anywyas good luck to all no matter how they feel respectivly


buddah

[LegallyKim]

Your mom may care about you also and just not know how to reach you yet.? I have always cared about my son but still would not have a clue how to reach him if his adoptive mother had not contacted me recently. I could not imagine any mother not at least caring, even if she isn't able to show it. I hope you find something out about her soon so you can know for sure.

[M.Fontana]

yes, we are still trying to find my brother. he is 31 years old now. it is hard because i sometimes think that maybe he doesnt want to know us. it's hard not to take that personally. i wouldnt have a clue as to how to find him if it werent for this site. i hope and pray that one day he will see my posts and contact us. my mother deeply loves him and regrets every day of her life giving him up. i hope he has had a good life so far. maybe your mother hasnt found a way to find you yet. good luck in your search.

[my2sons]

I have to say that I disagree with you sorry, but If my Birthmom had kept me what kind of life would I have had? Would I have been abused, neglected??? At least she realized this and let me have the best life... In a way she knew my life would be better with different parents. I would choose to give a child up if I knew I could not take care of him/her. I think it is so unfair to judge someone who loves us enough to make that sacrifice.